Following the betrayal tragedy, I'm trying my best to keep a neutral feeling towards people. No I don't care about you. No you can't hurt me. No we're just friends. No we don't have anything special between us. No nothing. Not anymore.
As I was trying my best to keep my emotional low (ada ke simpan emosi rendah, pftt), I went rambling on Twitter.
Apparently one of my biggest fans replied,
Pardon the MELAYU thing. Saya sedikit stereotype Melayu. Sebab saya pun Melayu.
So I called him. He was explaining something, apparently I didn't know about it, or perhaps couldn't be bothered.
Ayah: How come you don't know about this?
Bella: I'm too busy la these days.
Ayah: Busy doing what?
Bella: Mending my heart.
Ayah: Oh I forgot. Doctor kan kena repair heart.
Bella: Yelaahh. Ingat senang ke nak jadi doctor.
Ayah: So what's up? The heart thing?
Bella: Nothing. Silly stuff.
Ayah: I know, Mum told me everything already. You called her at 3 in the morning and that's not silly.
Bella: Ala sorry la. Tak sengaja. I don't know. I was too emotional sad and stuff.
Ayah: You see, you have to be strong. You can't let people control you. What you feel is yours. No one can hurt you without your consent. Remember when I told you not to commit to anyone or anything too early? This is it. Now you know. Your heart is so fragile.
Bella: Well I think I made the right decision on committing to someone, but in this case, I didn't commit anything. She's not really someone special but somehow it just hurts. What do you expect? Me to have a heart of steel?
Ayah: No, no need steel heart. Just make it less fragile, more elastic. Whatever people do, if they don't affect you, then let it pass. Learn to observe. Stay at a corner and observe. Don't judge, don't say anything. And once you think you're wise to make decisions, to be in the circle, then you join them. That's how you know how people are.
Bella: But people keep changing. Just when you thought you're ready to be in, they've already changed. How long do we have to sit and stare and observe and do nothing? We will never be ready. For by the time we think we are ready, things are already different. Then what? You sit and observe and wait to be ready again?
Ayah: Well that's one way of seeing it you know. Life works differently for different people.
Pardon me, I somewhat love to argue with Ayah. Healthy argument I would say.
But his points are simple. Have a more elastic heart. You own yourself. Forget metal vase. I'll have silicon vases after this. Not only they're elastic. They can withstand extreme temperature some more.
Or perhaps just don't call your Mum at 3 in the morning crying or she'll freak out and tell your Dad and the next thing you know is you're getting a heart lecture from him.