Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Vaginas, vaginas everywhere.

Someone commented that I rarely talk about school/medicine on my blog, so here goes.

Look at all the motivation I have.


This O&G block is starting rather slowly. Not complaining - in fact, thank you med school! Truth is since last week, I've only been to the ward once, a post-menopausal bleed (PMB) clinic, and a tutorial. Which btw, I don't wish to attend the PMB clinic again (which I will have to because it's on my timetable, sigh). 

Last time before we ended our geriatrics (equivalent to elderly care), our consultant wished us luck with the babies. I was so tempted to correct him by saying, it's actually vaginas. Vaginas, vaginas everywhere. Suffice to say I did not. Geriatricians can be very serious and lack of humour (in a kind way), I didn't think he'd appreciate me saying it.

So now yeah, vaginas, vaginas everywhere. Which doesn't help because I'm pretty disturbed by the sight of em thingies, male and female alike, since the theory years of med school. Even the sight of pelvic floor muscles in the anatomy textbook makes me cringe. Now.. We have the real stuff. Poking through the vagina, up through the cervix, into the womb.. Hysteroscopy, that is. Nevermind the pain. Doctor said it's like period pain, patient said bloody hell it was nothing like period pain! (Doctor was a male, btw). You know, male, period pain, um, what do they know? One after another. Cringe. Again. One after another. Cringe.

And I haven't actually seen/deliver a baby yet. Well, I've seen a caesarean before, not vaginal delivery though. Oh just the thought of it.. Cringe some more.

And poking through a pregnant lady's tummy to 'guess' the baby's position, poor mommy. I'll go for ultrasound instead, thank you very much. Which of course is not always the case since you can't get ultrasound in the community. Oh, poor mommys. This medical student has no idea what she's doing, we're so sorry.

It will get better as the block progresses, I believe. It definitely will. Meanwhile I'm off to poke some pregnant tummys in the antenatal clinic this afternoon.

(Going to thank my mom, again.)

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Oh and gee.

Sebenarnya, bosan gila weh buat workbook. And sebenarnya baru perasan things related to O&G (that's obstetrics and gynaecology not oil and gas you engineer people) mostly warna pink. Like purplish pink, keperempuanan gitu.

How stereotype.

And sebenarnya semalam tak pegi sekolah sebab tak ready nak jumpa perempuan mengandung, nak beranak, keguguran, dan yang sewaktu dengannya lepas trauma tengok darah PV (per vagina) sorang pesakit hari Khamis lepas. Dia miscarry at 12 weeks, pada hari yang sama dia sepatutnya datang untuk dating scan.

Tengah bersiap nak pergi hospital untuk scan, tiba tiba sakit perut and keluar darah banyak.

Instead of pergi hospital nak tengok baby, pergi hospital untuk keluarkan miscarried baby dalam perut. Sedih.

Lagi sedih bila product of conception (in a very crude lay term, the miscarried 'baby') was a result of molar pregnancy. In another very crude lay term, boleh jadi cancer. Boleh jadi. Orang kita ni kadang kadang semua nak kanser je. So boleh jadi, ada possibility. Belum tentu lagi. Nurse cakap patient tak boleh get pregnant for another 6 months.

Sedih lagi bila husband patient tu is acually a paediatric cardiologist. At the same hospital. So patient tau/faham dengan apa yang berlaku, sefaham fahamnya.

Baru sehari pergi ward, sedih.

Then semalam satu hari berkurung kat rumah buat workbook pasal pregnancy and delivery. They put it as if pregnancy is a disease. Pregnancy is hard work. Babies are hard work. Mad respect untuk perempuan mak mak di luar sana. 

Atau mungkin dah banyak sangat bergelumang dengan cold hard facts kot. Perasaan mak sayang anak tu, Allah je tau.

Go thank your mom. Now.

Thursday, April 16, 2015


My current life in a single picture.

Of all the chores, laundry is the one that gets me most. I can dread doing the laundry so much that I cry while doing it. Gaya Cinderella kena paksa buat laundry by mak tiri.

Also, anything to do with packing. Hence the suitcase and 2 overnight bags lying around, secretly hoping someday they'll unpack themselves. Funny how my life revolves around traveling, packing and unpacking, and I still can't get my head around it.

Or actually, I'm just lazy. And a little bit sad. That's all.

Good news is, I'm back in Leicester for the next 7 weeks! And it's always nicer to be sad in my own room.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Long way home.

That darn price, I know. 

Heavy sigh.

And the meticulous planner in me calculated that total journey from Leicester would cost around £650. From LEICESTER, not London nor Paris. For a peak summer British Airways flight. It's pretty much a 'direct' flight since most of the journey consists of London - Kuala Lumpur leg. And I can always get off at London Heathrow on the return journey without completing the second leg back to Paris. So that's a true direct flight. For £650 on British Airways. No brainer, hey?

Average peak summer flight is around £800 for the flights alone, not including travelling to and from the airport. And we're talking about transits, the usual airlines - Emirates, Etihad and the likes.

£650 all in for a 'direct' flight back home. British Airways. In summer time. Peak summer.

I did not, though.

Spent nearly 3 hours looking into this - flights, different airports, other options, cheapest travel plans, you name it. And eventually decided against it.

I know I just need something to look forward to just to keep me going, and the last 3 years have proven that a flight ticket home is a powerful motivator. It's a darn good reason to get one. Something to look forward to. Something to hold on to.

Still, I did not. 

I'm better than a sad potato relying on a flight ticket home to keep going.

"Sometimes we have to put our happiness aside to make others happy
- it's called sacrifice." - AM

Monday, April 13, 2015

And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion;

“It’s easy to minimize a person’s hurt without understanding the nature of pain. People often like to categorize how much a person should or shouldn’t hurt about things. For example, when someone is upset about something, they say, “At least you’re not paralyzed, or starving in Africa.” While it’s imperative to be grateful for what we have, I think people often mistaken the nature of pain, when they ‘categorize’ in this way. The criteria for how much something hurts is not dependent on the thing itself. It is dependent on 2 things:
1. The strength of the attachment.
2. The level of Divine help.

Therefore to minimize the devastation of pain:
1. Don’t be attached to (dependent on) temporary things.
2. Seek Divine help.

And don’t assign judgement for people’s pain.” 

 And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion; but the home of the Hereafter is best for those who fear Allah, so will you not reason? [Al-An'am 6:32]

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hashtag AdamBella.

I was going through Adam's PC aimlessly when I found this. 

Our wedding pictures bahahaha I'm always very reluctant to look at our wedding pictures because of how I look in heavy makeups. Don't get me wrong I really love the look, just that sometimes, I think it didn't feel like me at all! Like, siapa kau?!?? Pfft. Dramatic.

Also, I know I wore a poker face during actual nikah. Like eveerryone said that. Muka serius gila macam nak cari gaduh. Takde perasaan habis. Like this.

By this time dah ada perasaan sikit..

Although in my defence, my poker face was only captured when I wasn't looking. Deep in thought katanya. 

Contohnya, kalau pose untuk camera gua senyum okay. See??!?

Anyways, compared to this guy..

Amboi abang seronok la tu nak kawen

Haa kan manis senyum macamtu. At least ada la jugak hint senyum malu malu sikit. Ini future wife muka ketat habis tekanan apakah, siapa yang kena lafaz akad sebenarnya? Kahkah

Paling epic, muka yang ni.

Ummi kemain sedih, and I was.. Sad man. Like really really sad. The moment they said 'sah', it hit me that my parents were no longer my priority. Somehow this man that I've only known for 3 years was taking over that place. It dawned me really hard that I felt.. Numb. And I can be rubbish at displaying my true emotions anyway, hence the ultimate poker face. Although I'd prefer to call it the okay-I'm-not-sure-what's-gonna-happen-next-help? face.

In all honesty, panic okay? Like, okay sekarang dah jadi wife orang so what's next? It was so awkward that masa Adam wanted to kiss my forehead I backed away sebab awkward gila, like siapa kau nak cium aku??!? Kelakar gila. Even the pictures of that moment look awkward..

Anyway, what made my day is this!

Another reason why I kinda dread looking at our wedding photos is because I believe there's not a single shot of us with my parents! (Long story). Turns out Kak Ina actually took this shot at some point! Nanges. I owe her my life okay!

Sorry lah kena tengok close up muka kitorang. Camera mahal pulak tu, habis semua zoom in nampak segala pori pori cela di wajah. 

No regret.

Few days back ada orang tanya, if I could turn back time, would I do anything differently?

Yes, kawen lagi awal. Wahahah.

In all seriousness, I would still marry this guy, a thousand times over.