Halfway taken.

08/07/2012

33 months of togetherness.

First Lady.

Malaysia & You Belfast 2012 Gala 

The Great Hall, Belfast City Hall

March 10th, 2012

Lelaki ini.

I went through the hassle of rotating, cropping and resizing your picture so even if it doesn't make it to the welcome page on the booklet, at least it's here.

One year back.

Leaving graduation in a separate car from our parents heading to Alamanda,

me looked like a runaway bride with all the gold and glitters while you wearing jeans and slippers..

And that moment when we realized we didn't have a single graduation picture together due to a fight the night before.

Two years back.

Remember that precious red shoes?

You had me wearing your giant size 10 slippers because I was too scared of staining the newly bought suede shoes.

And you ended up stranded on the tangki air since you had no shoes to wear.

I'd say you were being sweet, but part of me was wondering if you were too lazy to join the rest of us and delve your feet into the muddy soil belakang rumah ustaz.

Anyhow, this shot says it all. My precious.

Three years back.

Rindu nak tengok awak pakai baju Melayu 

bawak sling bag Nike 

masuk class ikut pintu belakang.

Early marriage. Kahwin awal.

When you can't sleep, WRITE. It's the next best thing after Facetime-ing with your best friend.

Lately semua orang pun asyik cakap pasal kahwin je. Sana sini, kalau nak tegur orang yang dah lama tak tegur, mungkin kahwin is the best topic. Cakap pasal kahwin, seronok je menyakat orang. We all get geared up. Even I do.

My stand about early marriage, aka kahwin masa belajar has always been - I have nothing against it, tak menolak kalau berlaku kat diri sendiri, tapi mintak jauh lah. Ye, MINTAK JAUH. Kalau boleh memang taknak, tapi kalau jadi jugak, mungkin itu sign daripada Allah. Orang cakap sampai seru (haha). Itu dulu. Sekarang mungkin sedikit lain.

Tapi one thing pasal manusia rakan sebaya ni, kalau cakap pasal kahwin, sikit3 boleh la. Semangat menyakat mengusik, nasik minyak lah, mak bapak mentua lah, hantaran berapa dulang lah, baju kahwin warna apa, buat kat mana, nak ajak siapa. Pendek kata (panjang tak kata apa3), memang semangat. Tapi perasan tak benda3 semangat tu semua pasal MAJLIS perkahwinan. Bukan PERKAHWINAN itu sendiri. Apatah lagi berumah tangga (okay perasaan sangat pelik guna perkataan ni). Quoting a friend, "They see a marriage as a WEDDING, rather than the MARRIAGE itself."

Kalau yang sanggup terima idea tanggungjawab tu okay lah, boleh lagi nak bawak berbincang. Tapi ada yang langsung terus, KAHWIN MASA BELAJAR??? )%TE%@&I%@???. Tanggungjawab besar tu, cari penyakit ke apa? Stigma masyarakat. Dah gatal sangat nak menikah. Tak sabar. Sangap. Muda-muda dah nak menggedik. Alahai Melayu nya kita.

Tapi ada tak orang yang bila ada couple announce that they're in a relationship, terus terlintas, GATAI. Muda-muda lagi dah nak bercinta. Takde kan? Semua pun nak, AWHHH SO SWEEEEET. (coughs)

Paling tak tahan bila orang komen, eh, muda sangat lagi dah nak kahwin. Tak ada pulak yang nak komen, eh, muda sangat lagi dah nak start kumpul dosa ber-couple. (coughs again)

If there's an age labelled as 'too early' to get married, why isn't there an age as too early to 'be in a relationship'?

Pandangan peribadi, strictly personal, if you think you have found the one, and you know you want to spend the rest of your life with that one person, then what's wrong with considering of an early marriage? Kita hanya merancang, tahu. Allah yang menentukan. Tapi kalau memang dalam hati tu takde siapa3 lagi, takpayah nak gelabah sangat lah cari calon segala bagai, just to get married. Enjoy the single unattached life. Selagi perasaan tu masih hak mutlak sendiri dan tak perlu dikongsi.

Peringatan kepada (diri sendiri) yang lupa, sentiasa betulkan niat. Matlamat hidup ini. Belajar tinggi tinggi pergi overseas, kahwin awal, travel keliling dunia, untuk apa? Redha Ilahi. Redha mak bapak. Kalau belajar jauh jauh jadi professor segala bagai, tapi mak bapak kat kampung tak pernah ingat, itukah matlamat? Kalau kahwin pasangan soleh/solehah solat 5 waktu tak pernah tinggal, tapi belajar pun tunggang langgang masa tak terurus, itukah matlamat? Know our priority. First thing first.

Again, personally, I think marriage is not something that we should rush into, if there isn't a need. But it is, if we know deep down our heart that we have found the right one. Bukankah permulaan sebenar sesuatu perhubungan aka couple itu matlamatnya berakhir dengan perkahwinan? 

Marriage. A happy ending for those in relationships, yet a beautiful unknown beginning of a new life. 

What an irony.

Lelaki ini. Doa doakan lah ye.

Pure happiness.

Nando's Mid Valley, August 22nd 2011

Ultimate melting moment.

Bila perasaan bersalah tak sempat warnakan kertas yang Faris (Teacher Ima's baby) bagi sebelum jumpa kat Alamanda menghantui,

Dalam kereta kat parking lot 10 minit sebelum buka puasa pun sempat lagi main colour3. Siap guna steering jadi meja. Gigih betul.

The Game Plan.

Maybe number (3) can come before (2).

Ada bantahan?

Percayalah. Aku kan ada. Sampai tua.

One thing that I can never be surer of; I know you only have me. Yes, there's no one else. Just me.

Ini sumpahku padamu

Usah kau patah dan layu

Garing siang malam beku

Pasakku teguh untukmu.

- Sampai Tua, Fynn Jamal

Togetherness.

Thank you for being here.

Well thank you for waiting.

Here's for 21 months of everything and more.

We have the rest of our life to live.

The Changer of The Hearts.

July the 3rd. Alhamdulillah.

As much as I would like to think that June is my month, well, I want to believe that July is, too. The homecoming. InshaAllah.

Last night, it struck me that the person we love is basically 72.8% water. Well oh well. This figure doesn't mean much. What I'm trying to say is, they are basically a person. Someone usual. Manusia. Just like us. How come we see them so great so awhsosome so perfect so IRREPLACEABLE?

There was this FB status posted by a friend of mine. He was saying something on rezeki datang dari Tuhan. And hidup mati jodoh pertemuan semua pun ditentukan oleh Allah. (nashid sikit eheh) The point is, whatever we have, they're all granted by Him. He owns everything, and we are just borrowing. No,  I would prefer renting. For we have to pay for whatever we have, which is, by performing ibadah and remembering Him.

So I guess everyone is fine with the idea of renting. When someone you love passed away, you try to console yourself with the phrase "From Allah s/he comes, to Allah s/he returns". No one could deny this. No matter how hurtful it is to lose someone to death, you still have to accept the fact that they are actually not yours, one day they still have to return to their Creator. Allah The Almighty.

But why is it so hard to accept that these people we love are actually not ours in the first place, when it comes to relationship and breakups? We cry hard, we mourn, we lock ourselves in the room trying to figure out what happened. Had s/he found someone else, we wonder a little harder. What happened? Aren't we good enough for them? 

Little did we realize that they belong to Allah, in the first place. Like it or not, they are not ours. All the forever mine, yours truly, well, they are words. Just words. To make life seems prettier and more interesting and beautiful.

And did we realize that these people, the awhsosome people we call sweethearts, are actually human too? Human, we make mistakes. We forget, that's what we do. And we are just plain human. Manusia biasa. We deserve to be cheated, to be wronged, to be hurt. We are made that way, fragile, to have feelings. We all get sick, we all die one die, we are all human. But since the wronger and the wronged are both human, both make mistakes, it also means that we deserve to be forgiven.

Yes I'm in love. Separated by thousands miles apart, no it's not easy. He's everything I am not, and vice versa, which sometimes makes things a little bit harder and difficult than they should be. We don't argue much, we just define things differently, see things differently, and of course finally, interpret things differently. Which often leads to non-coherence of conversation topics. And silent treatments.

I tend to forget that I'm actually renting him. But you know, when things like this happened, when things get hard, I would ponder, look back on what happened. It's my choice to stay. To still be where I'm at. And for him still being there despite the hard times, I thank to Allah.

But if one day Allah says no, who am I to defy? I could consider him as one of the blessings that Allah has given me, and if I'm not thankful enough for that, Allah could take him back any time.

Because Allah is Muqallib al-Qulub - The Changer of the Hearts

(I love to say Dia yang membolak-balikkan hati manusia)

And this doesn't only apply to losing the person we love, as if breaking ups, cheats etc, the same goes to losing to death. If we keep on mourning, being sad over what we lost, when will we learn to appreciate what we have? Even better, how do we appreciate things that we learned from the loss?

"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?" Ar-Rahman

When you were young.

I wonder if you look like this when you were at his age :)

That one thing we sure have in common.

Food fascinates me. You too.

One shot at a time.

"Everyone has their own level of cuteness that they can handle. Yours is overdosed."

Dear stranger, we were invincible, remember?

Feelings change. They fade. They leave. Feelings belong to people, and people walk away. That's what they do.

Life is a cycle. Once a stranger, the next minute they mean the world to you, the next next minute, they're gone. Back to where you were. Strangers.

Stage 1: Meeting

Can't we stay? As strangers? The safest option. We've been living without each other for all our lives. For all we can remember, without even knowing each others' name. Just when I meet you, nothing much, you're just another stranger, the same goes to you. But wait, there's something about you. You seem different. I'd like to know you better. If we stay as strangers, then we won't get to know each other. I won't know how fascinating you are. You won't know how amazing I can be for you.

Stage 2: The Chase

The fun part. Stomach, meet butterflies. Exciting, full of adrenaline rush. We are so young, we are too crazy in love. Yes, it's love, who could ever deny that? We were invincible. You want me, come get me. Endless phone calls and texts, sleepless nights on empty talks with deep laughs. Hide and seek. Peek a boo. I'll do whatever you do, you'll be wherever I am. You're so perfect, don't you have any weaknesses? It's impossible to resist each other. So why can't we stay at this stage when life feel so good? No, if we stay here, stop here, then you won't be mine. I won't be yours. That's not good because someone can easily snatch you away from me. You're precious, I can't simply lose you.

Stage 3: Honeymoon

Finally, you're mine. We're safe with each other. No one can ever break us apart. My secrets become your truth. Your plans become my future. As we learn deeper about each other, we reveal the parts of us that have been hidden all this time. We start to see each others' flaws, but hey, that's okay. Isn't love is about accepting each other? Let's stay here then. But wait, if we settle down here, where's the future? Life has been so beautiful, let's go through some hardships a little bit further. I know we can make it. We're invincible, remember?

Stage 4: Comfortable

Towards entering this stage, I'm so glad that I have someone like you. Someone I can pour my heart out without worrying if I'll be judged. My hair can go out of place, you'll still see me beautiful. You can live unshaved for two weeks, I won't mind the scratch on my cheeks. We're good. You can play online games 24 hours, I'm cool with that. I can go out shopping having fun with my girlfriends, you won't mind. Don't feel bad about not sparing enough time for each other. We know we love each other, we're good staying as who we are. But this comfort doesn't seem right. It's too flat, nothing much exciting. Let's find the 'butterflies' again, shall we?

Stage 5: Tolerance

Where art thou, butterflies? Why, everything feel so plain, so usual. Have you lost your charm, darling? I'm sure I'm still the same. Wait, what did you just say? That you've been putting up with me and I'm the one who changed? Okay that sure doesn't seem right. But honey, we'll let it pass. And you're tired as well, let's not make this a big deal. No one changed, we are just.. You know, being mature I guess? We've accepted each others' flaws in Stage 3 and it was fantastic, now let's just live with it. We're good. Just good.

Stage 6: Downhill

Arguments should be healthy since we are actually expressing what we feel, and we are seeking for the solutions, just in a 'bolder' way than discussion. We might as well find the way out faster! But why, it doesn't work that way. These arguments make us tired. We're worn out. We can scream and yell and shout, but still, where is it going? Silence hurts. It hurts more than harsh words. But look, we are doing both! We fight and argue and say things, then we go silent, isn't that double the pain? I'm aching, I know you are too. But we're too busy dressing our own wound till we forgot that we are both bleeding.

Stage 7: Breaking up

Since when we're better off on our own when we were so sure that we were INVINCIBLE? How could you be invincible without me? It's US who are INVINCIBLE. Not you, neither me! But it's for the better. We might not be invincible, but that's how human are made. To have feelings, to be broken, then get up again and fight. We can't always win. We aren't immortal. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.

It all started when "it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great".

And then "someone stops trying".

We were INVINCIBLE, remember?

Love vs Logic.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. - Paulo Coelho

You're in a relationship. A wonderful one. You've been together for years, went through all sorts of ups and downs. Fought like a married couple. Flirted like high school kids. Laughed and cried like best friends. Dreamy like newlyweds. Everything. Then one day, someone came to you and asked,

"Why him/her?"

Honestly, how would you answer that? I mean, of all the gazillion people on Earth, why that ONE person? Okay, perhaps you hadn't had the chance to meet a gazillion people in your whole lifetime, but really, you've met like, thousands, millions of people, whether you noticed it or not, yet you still want this one person.

Few days back I met my childhood friend. He was known for his charm, and the fact that he didn't talk much to girls back in school. We've known each other since we were eight. The same primary school, then to the same boarding school, same class. I remember my first day at the boarding school (I was enrolled like, the last intake?-.-"), he came and talked to me since we were classmates (again) and the whole class were staring at us because well, this mysterious guy was talking to the new girl! And he made the first move OMG?

And that is to show how reserved he was when it came to girls. Kadang3 rasa macam bajet hot pun ada, yelah, orang handsome, kalau layan perempuan, jatuh lah saham. Ish buruk sangka, Nauzubillah. Anyway we've been friends since kanak3 Ribena so that made me an exception. So as predicted, this guy never had a girlfriend, not until he was 16. His first girlfriend ever. And turned out that his girlfriend was close enough to a bitch.

She cheated on him few times, the boyfriend discovered, granted her second (third, fourth) chances, yet she still did it. Finally he broke up with her. Aku dah banyak kali bagi peluang, and everytime aku confront dia, end up aku yang bersalah. Wtf? Empat tahun lebih kot. Ingat aku apa? As he went along rambling about the girl, I finally asked him.

Kenapa dia? Dan bukan sekali dia buat macam tu. Takkan terima je? Kau pulak bukan takde rupa, education segala, senang gila boleh cari lain. Tapi kenapa dia?

Silent. Yes, I have to admit, this girl isn't that drop-dead gorgeous to be kept as trophy wife or something. And with his look, memang nak cari spare tak susah. Tapi nak jugak dekat perempuan ni. I don't judge people by their look, tapi kalau perempuan tu baik, faithful, loyal, memang worth keeping lah. Ini tak, kalau dah menipu banyak3 kali, and boyfriend you tau all along yang you menipu sepanjang you buat penipuan tu, tunggu apa lagi? Tak dayus ke macam tu?

Knowing him, I know he was trying to save the relationship. People know him as someone with an extremely high ego, but he let it down because of her. Mungkin jugak the idea of being in a relationship is fairytale, since he never had a girlfriend before. Well, maybe. Itu teori sendiri. But then he said this. Aku kalau boleh nak cari girlfriend biarlah sampai jadi wife. Kalau macam tu, nak bawak jumpa mak aku pun tak sampai hati. Ah, tercair sebentar.

Tapi kalau tanya lagi, why her? Memang takboleh jawab. Which then makes me ponder.

Kalau lelaki ini yang sikit punya faithful penyayang segala bagai sabar dengan girlfriend 4 tahun buat hal still takboleh jawab kenapa dia pilih perempuan itu, then what will you answer if suddenly people came and ask,

WHY THAT ONE PERSON?

Do we really need a reason to love someone? If we do, then what's with those who stay in a violent relationship? Cheating spouses? What's with those who choose to keep loving someone though they are no longer in touch for almost a decade?

Reasons mean logic. And is there really a logic behind falling in love with someone?

a picture paints a thousand words. (or measure the inches)

as on april 23rd, 2010

12:43pm

dua kali pembaris biasa.

ps. we ♥♥♥ ms oja (yang sangat hot)