Sunday, November 5, 2017

Parenting rant.

Source: Facebook

Noah is nearly 6 months, and I still remember very clearly the first few weeks of his arrival.

It was hell, as clear as that.

The recovery post caesarean was straightforward, but my emotional state was not.

It was hard, it was crazy hard. I'm not entirely sure what exactly the hard part was, but everything seemed to be a blur of who's-doing-what, the baby needed changing, God knows why he cried, a whole lot of he just wouldn't sleep, and my favourite of all, I'm so exhausted.

You could argue that men aren't psychic. Their empathetic system isn't designed to be as automatic as most women's. The result, we have a creature whose innate nature isn't of "oh, I see that x happens, therefore I must y". It's more of a "you tell me when x happens so that I could y".

Let's say,
x = house chores
y = needs doing

Where x could be anything from piling laundry, messy toys, dishes in the sink, etc.

So men (I doubt I have many Mars readers here), when you see something not in place, e.g. laundry piling up overflowing the basket, just freaking throw them in the wash. You don't need your wife telling you, "Ooh hubby dearest, look, the laundry basket is full of dirty clothes, what about you help putting them in the wash?"

Maybe you Mars people expect this instead, "Honey, could you please do the laundry?"

Yes, we can definitely say the above. One sentence, job done. But where's the fun in marriage if that's always the case?

And don't get me started on who's doing what, as far as baby is concerned.

Granted, you don't have boobs (well, you do, just not very functional), but there's always other things. Babies don't just need milk. They need all sort of simple things like cuddles, playtimes, nappy changes, little human transporters, butt patters, everything that doesn't require boobs! More things baby-wise that don't involve boobs include their laundry (little clothes need special washing), toy-cleaning, and snot towel changing, to name a few.

And the most exhausting (yet so very noble!) thing about caring for a baby is.. You're doing everything for the little human. Sparing nothing for you. Yes, going to work 9-5pm, getting stuck in the traffic is hard, but you get lunch breaks, you get to choose your own food, when and where to eat them, heck, you get to talk to another being while eating them!

With a baby.. There's just not much options. You'd probably have better luck in negotiating with your bladder to increase its holding capacity rather than explaining to a little human dictator on why you need to disappear for 2 minutes as the nature calls.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother. It's so unbelievably.. Weird. One minute I was so eager for him to shut his eyes (yay me time!) and the next, I was getting pure joy of pulling silly faces as his eyes wide open and his mouth forming a big O shape, wondering why is this human transporter making all sort of funny sounds. And yes, the excitement of a poop explosion after a week of nothingness from their rear ends, sans the very smelly farts. Come on, who rejoice on poops on pees?

People always talk about motherhood, maybe it's time to start discussing fatherhood too? 

It's called parenting, btw. Not just mothering.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

6 years in boxes.

Can we ship this back to where they come from?

On one hand a part of me is relieved - it's like I can now move on with my life. My whole stuff is here, my life is complete!

(I've been particularly desperate for a new toothbrush head, the current one has been used for more than 4 months, ew.)

On the other hand...... Who's going to unpack all this? And more importantly, where do we store them???!?

Guess we'll just keep them in boxes, just in case we're migrating again...... Hello Canada!

Friday, October 13, 2017

The Great Sleeper.

Chuckling to myself as I wrote the title.

But *ahem*, good words are duas, right?

Okay, back to my great sleeper. He truly is, at night. And I'm not bluffing. The main reason why we don't have photos/videos of Noah at night is because, he's doing what he's supposed to do - sleep!

Bless my great little sleeper.

Daytime though.. Is a whole different story. He used to be a star napper (great sleeper, star napper, see what I did there?). Putting him down for naps was a breeze. I just had to put him down, secure his hands (secure is an understatement, trust me), put a pillow on top of him.. And leave. Oh wait he'd need his white noise, so that, too. He'd fall asleep by himself within minutes.

Then things happened. To be exact, "developmental milestone" happened.

He's starting to roll over. From his back onto his tummy.

It's super cute! He often forgets that he has this pair of rather chunky dangly squirmy legs.. So while he tries to shift his upper body to the side, his legs barely change their position. They move, a lot, like tiny little flippers. But again, like flippers, they move in one place. Kicking and swooshing around, without actually going anywhere. And don't get me started on his heavy bum..

Ah, my great little swimmer.

Anyways, as he recently discovered this new skill, naturally he'd want to practice it, all day, every day. I mean, we need to get that bum shifted, boy! So the moment we put him down for naps, he'd arch his body trying to roll over to the side. 

Which only means one thing - it's not safe anymore.

Remember when I said we "secure" his hands? We actually "tie" them. Ugh I know I know. But it's the only way that he'll sleep, otherwise he'll claw his eyes out and we'd have to fix the mess of his eczema.. (another whole different story). 

And it's a bit like swaddling - once they start to roll over, swaddling isn't safe anymore. They'll need their hands to support the weight of their body, should they decide to roll over at night.

And Noah sleeps in his own room - on a double bed. Yes, adult bed. Again, ugh, I know. It used to work so perfectly when he was rather immobile (talk about a cute little blob squirming around in one place, cute). But now I'm not so sure anymore. We'd have to think of something else, and we gotta think quick! 

I'm not keen on cots because we'd be breaking our backs picking him up and putting him down - that little guy is 8kg, at least! And co-sleeping isn't really an option. When you put two light sleepers in the same bed (both myself and him), none of them is going to sleep much.

Also, my star napper seems to diminish with the newly acquired skill.. Noah now will not nap without being patted. It takes ages to put him to nap - often I fall asleep with him, just a matter of who's first. And when he does nap, it hardly ever be more than 1 hour..

He's still a great night sleeper though. Still sleeps well at night with 1-2 feeds in between, so I'll take whatever I can get.

But then if he does get moved to a cot.. Level up, biceps.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You were thrashing your head violently last night
I tried to stop you with all my might
And of course you just had to fight
Do you know that it broke my heart
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You cried for no reason yesterday
You refused milk, didn't want cuddles, let alone play
In the end you just wanted me to stay
So I lied next to you wiping your tears away
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You had a very short nap this afternoon
Too short, you woke up a little too soon
And cried so hard it's out of tune
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You pooped your clothes just now
Pretty sure it leaked elsewhere too, it smelled so foul
It's a lot of cleaning, not that I don't know how
But the antibiotics.. They make your bums red and raw
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You're sound asleep as I write this
Your little chest rises and falls, your hand in a fist
Your eyelids flickered as I gave you a kiss
This moment, this very moment, is such a bliss.

Hey N,
You won't be small forever, and I won't always be here
You'll stop being a baby, but I'm always going to be a mother.

Yes some days I really wanted out
Just a little break, even if it's not worth a shout
Of course it's not always possible, what are we talking about.


It doesn't matter how much it breaks my heart
Because we both know, motherhood is hard.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

A love-hate relationship.

I have a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding.

You know how some people are really hard on #breastisbest? I stick to my guns - #fedisbest. Not breastfeeding doesn't make you less of a mother. If you google why breastfeeding is awesome, yo'll get million hits, so I'm not gonna go into that - but I'll tell you why it's quite a complex relationship in my case. 

1. It's a whole lot of physical contact.
I'm a solitary person by nature. That didn't change when I got married, and that certainly didn't change once we had Noah. Having another tiny human physically attached to you feels slightly overwhelming. And it's mutual! Noah takes after me - he's not a cuddly baby much. So once he's had his meal, he'd fuss to be put down (or sit up!), not wanting to be cuddled. There goes mummy's boy!

2. It can be messy.
It used to be messy from all the milk dribbles (which sometimes is pretty cute, admittedly), now it's more of the fact that his eczema flare makes his head a weepy ball of mess. It's heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and, unfortunately, rather icky all the same.

3. It's automatically "he's hungry" every time he cries.
Every. Single. Time. Cry? Wants milk. Not falling asleep? Hungry for milk. Whiny? Maybe give more milk? My logic is this - if he's being bottle-fed, would you give another bottle if you know that he's had 3oz an hour ago? Probably not. So stop saying he's hungry whenever he cries. He's a baby, crying is the only way for him to communicate. And I will never hand him over to someone if I know he's hungry, what kind of mother would I be?

4. It's always my fault that I'm not careful with what I eat.
Breastfeeding itself is hard enough, now it's my fault that I'm not watching what I eat. Not pooping? You don't eat enough fibre. New rashes? That's why la, eat seafood some more. Cranky? You eat too spicy, now tummy ache. Baby always cranky (see above)? Eat so little where got enough milk.

5. It's unnerving to other people caring for him.
Admittedly, breastfed babies tend to be more clingy to their mothers. Noah is pretty much the same, but he's actually quite chill and predictable. His life is really simple - milk, some play time, nap. Repeat the cycle. But since he's being breastfed, no one can really guess how much he takes in one serving, this makes people nervous just in case there's not enough milk (expressed) at home when I go out. Or simply to be left with him without me around, in general.

Note that I didn't put the night wakings in there - it's something that I have come to term with long ago. Especially now when he wakes up more from the itching and discomfort rather than actual hunger.

Having said all of the above,  I love every single minute when he's gulping down all the milk he could get, usually no more than 7 minutes, ha! It's like our private little moment where nothing else matters to him, all he had in his mind is milk. And milk comes from mummy, therefore he needs mummy.

I also love the convenience of not having to lug hot water and bottles around when we go out, although this kinda backfires a little since I can hardly got out without him, haha.

Never mind, as long as he's growing big and healthy, (he sure is, weighing 7.4kg at 3.5 months, whoa!), it's all that matters. And I have no intention of stopping, just hoping that he will outgrow his eczema and allergies (if there's even one) soon enough so that I could eat everything again!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

First London trip.

As far as this space is concerned.. I feel like an ultimate loser!

I mean, look, I promised to get back last time and it's been more than 2 weeks!

Two weeks whaaatttt??

And that's only with one kid. ONE. Satu. Uno. Aaaannddd not working (which is awesome btw wuhoo!). I wonder how does other working mums with 2 toddlers and a baby manage to write consistently! I think discipline is key - which is what I'm lacking, like totally.

Anyway, Noah is a little over 2 months-old!

Apparently, it *does* get better, guys. I mean, he now sleeps through the night (sttn) - who would've thought, it's not a myth! Having said that though, sttn in babies is actually when they sleep at 5-hr stretch, so not quite the 12-hr that I initially thought. Hehe, but 5-hrs, for a sleep-deprived mama here, that's already heaven. Counting my blessings, Alhamdulillah!

Few weeks ago we went to London to get his passport done. We knew it would be convenient to have his passport photos ready so I flashed out my DSLR at him. Look at this. I so cannot!

Little grumpy gump at 7 weeks. THAT MIDDLE PICTURE THOUGH.

We chose this one just because it was the most symmetrical. Apparently he could pass as my parents' sixth child. Haha! I think it's the head..

Oh, we call it the "fat & furious" look. HAHAHA.

Anyway, on to London. 

I was nervous.

Super nervous.

Especially because I have never breastfed in public.

What happens if he cries? Do I just whip my boobs out?

It turned out a huge success Alhamdulillah!

The initial plan was to carry him in a baby carrier. But Adam thought we should take the stroller as well. Which turned out as the best decision ever. Other than sushi buffet, of course.

We took the train from Northampton to London.

And then the bus around London.

Daddy at work.

I had a nursing cover with me, so the first time I fed him was on the train. In front of strangers commuting to work. It felt pretty strange, but no one batted an eyelid. Such a liberating experience. Really, honestly. The whole trip, not just the nursing in public, lol. I never thought I would say that but it really was.
Parenting confidence level: 999

We met a nice family at Malaysian High Comm - apparently their baby shares the same birthday as Noah - 15/5/17 how crazy!

While waiting to collect his passport, we had our sushi fix.

And I'm officially an expert at eating single-handedly.

We also found out Noah isn't too impressed with sushi, haha.

The place is called Sushi Eatery, located in Soho area. The food is amazing. It's all-you-can-eat for just under £20pp. The sashimis are especially wonderful. It's Malaysian-owned, all the more reasons to love it!

So that was it - his first trip to London.

You're officially a Malaysian citizen, young man!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Eid 2017.

I'm in the middle of writing up a blog post when the little man started screaming.. So I'll leave you with our family picture during Eid for now.

I'll be back.. Promise! xx

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

My son, Noah.

After 3 long days being cooped up on the ward, the day we got to meet Seed was finally there!

I remember feeling nervous the night before when midwife came in to remind me that I needed to be nil by mouth (fasting) and gave me the ranitidine (anti acid) tablet. The uncertainties were overwhelming! I told the midwife, if myself, a doctor, working at that very hospital, was feeling that way, imagine other patients. Future mums. Being at the receiving end of NHS couldn't feel weirder.

That Monday morning, I was up early. Not that I could sleep much anyway. Adam came, and I was told to change into the hospital gown and put the TED stockings on (they were horrible!) and make my way to labour ward. Specifically, the operating theatre. Not sure why, I wasn't particularly anxious anymore - Adam instead had this worried look all over his face, haha. The consultant did another scan. Seed was still breech, but wasn't footling anymore. Oh well not that it mattered at that time.

Right before I popped!

After a whole lot of check by the obs gyn and anaesthetist, in I went.

The consultant anaesthetist was amazing. He was too kind - he put lidocaine (local anaesthetic) onto my hand before putting in a grey (largest possible) cannula! Yes, I judge kindness by how unlikely you're going to inflict pain on me, lol.

But no, really, Dr Salter (the cons) was just too sweet - when I said I was an FY1 - he asked which med school I was from, what I wanted to specialise in later (ha!) - and I suddenly felt like an FY1 again, it felt normal. Instead of the "paediatrician parents" the midwife have been referring us to! (so much pressure).

Aaandddd, the spinal kicked in, I was paralysed waist down. Again, another super strange feeling.

Aaaanddd Adam was called in.

Aaannddd less than 10 minutes later, we heard the loud strong cry.

Aaandddd the whole theatre was amazed at how chunky this baby was.

Aaaandddd even more amazed at his actual birth weight - 3.945kg.

Aaaanddd here's our little man, born 15th May 2017, at 1107 via elective caesarean.

My two boys.

I want to remember this look - fresh out of oven, covered with icky gooey stuff from the womb, with blotchy face and newborn rashes.

"Your first breath took mine away."

Meet my son, Noah.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Seed: 39 weeks.

I have to backdate this post as a lot of things happened in the last week but I'm so determined to finish this Seed series until he gets here!

First off, my mum arrived on Thursday at Heathrow, Alhamdulillah!

Man I was huge D:

39 weeks was quite a drama. We had the growth scan on Friday. I was having pretty bad backache and contractions (at least that's what I thought) at the clinic. Midwife did the scan..

And boom. Our world was turned upside down. And Seed took it quite literally.

He was breech! Like literally upright breech! You know when I said I could feel his bum stuck up in my ribs, it was actually his head. And we've been poking that head (haha, sorry buddy) all this while. Quite funny when I think about it.

Not funny for the midwife though. She had this worried look all over her face. Asked me how long have I had the pain, if it was changing, and all that jazz..

Apparently Seed was footling breech. That took breech to another level, ha!

Footling breech is when baby's feet inside the pelvis. Imagine the baby "floating" cross-legged in the tummy, that's how it looks like. Thing about footling breech is, it's the rarest form of breech with highest risk of complication, namely cord prolapse. And cord prolapse is when the umbilical cord gets squashed before baby is born, cutting the blood supply and oxygen to the baby. What happens is that baby's tiny foot pokes through the cervix, creating a vacuum, causing the cord to get "sucked" out as well. We're talking about vaginal delivery here. Which is pretty tricky in footling breech.

So I was hooked up to a CTG machine, and walla, they found some uterine activity, albeit irregular. Cervix was completely closed, so good thing I was not in labour. But since I was already 39w, the safest option was to be admitted. Yes, admitted straight from clinic. Over the weekend. With a semi-elective caesarean section planned on the next Monday.

Woha, did I say caesarean?

Wohaaa, wasn't I dead scared of being induced, and now we're talking caesarean?

So straight to the ward I went. They wouldn't even let me go home for an hour to get my stuff! *cries*

But good thing was.. We got a room to ourselves! By "we" I mean Seed and I, as Adam had to go home by 10pm, sads.

Our own ensuite toilet, which Adam was clearly very excited about.

This room doesn't come cheap though. While my condition didn't warrant me for having a side room, (I was perfectly healthy!) it was given because I work with the NHS. And my husband too. And since we were both (Adam still is) in paediatrics, they call us the paediatricians. HAHAHAHA. Too cute I cannot.

#perksofbeingadoctor #savetheNHS

So yes, I was admitted for 5 days including the operation itself.. It wasn't too bad if I'm honest. I've had nothing bad to say about the service, cewah, but it could be due to the known fact that I'm a doctor at the hospital. Although I'm sure the standard of care wouldn't vary that much. Maybe no side room, but hey, if someone else needed it for clinical reasons, I'm sure I would be evicted too. #patientsafety 

Next up, we finally get to meet Seed!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Seed: 38 weeks.

38 weeks in one word: Painful.

It's not uncomfortable anymore - it's getting to a point where it's painful. Literally, pain. Every now and then I try to remind myself that someone, somewhere out there, is praying to have what I'm having now, a growing healthy baby cooking up nicely. A textbook pregnancy - says the midwife.

But I can't deny that it's not all rainbows and roses. I said it before, pregnancy is a whole new level of normal. And this, is a whole new level of pain.

Rainbow sans roses on our recent trip to Milton Keynes

And I'm only talking about irregular, pre-labour (if it's even that?!?) contraction kind of pain. And backache. Not even the 3:10 contraction when you're officially in labour. Not even the real deal. Who am I to talk about pain again?

Remember when I said I was feeling heavy pressure in my pelvis and crampy period-pain like backache when I made the trip to Nottingham and Leicester last time? I genuinely, hopefully thought that would be the start of things. How naive I was. The pain, they're staying, yes, but not actually starting anything.

As I'm typing this, my tummy is rock hard, Seed's squirming around against the confined space that already is. I have to lean back to make some space for those tiny little legs and arms to flail around, otherwise I'll get a jammed foot somewhere underneath my ribs.

My back hurts. And you're talking about someone who lives on monthly ibuprofen for period pain. Yes, I do get really bad period cramps and backache, up to the point I could be paralysed by them. But this, is a whole new level of backache. And ibuprofen is a no-no in pregnancy. Paracetamol? We can all laugh now, thank you very much.

Pain is worse in the evening and at night. That's when I wake up and look at Adam fast asleep wondering if it's worth waking him up for I'm-not-sure-what. I mean, I know I'm not in labour. And he can't really do anything. But the pain.. Maybe it's worth waking someone up for?

(I never did, though).

Salute to mums of 5. (Heck, even mums of 2. Or 1. ALL mums).

On the bright side, (there's always a bright side, you just have to look for it and acknowledge it!), 1st May has come and gone, so my OCD can now chill. It doesn't matter much when Seed's going to come out now, apart from the pain of course. I've accepted that he can stay as long as he likes, although please please I sure hope induction is not going to be part of it!

We've got a midwife appointment tomorrow, and although I doubt it's going to change anything, maybe it'll bring some good news! Oh well, here's to wishing.

Update on Friday 5/5/2017, post midwife appointment.

Apparently my bump is now measuring at 90th centile, when previously it's been consistent at 50th centile. It's a really steep jump from being average to being, umm, massive. (Midwife didn't say that, I did). So we're booked in for a growth scan next week, in which I really do hope that by then Seed would've already been here. Again, here's to wishing.

Also, we've been told that Seed might just be occipital-posterior (OP), which means that his back is against my back (back-to-back baby). Again, previously his back has always been on my right side, I could almost always feel the smooth curvature of his spine there. While most back-to-back babies rotate spontaneously to occipital-anterior (OA) position while in labour, some just won't. And they can take longer to be delivered, and more painful too. Ouch.

Tell-tale signs are quite obvious in my case. I suspect he turned some time around last week, as I started having this backache at that time. OP babies can cause more backache than others as their back/spine, which is the heaviest part of their body, put in a significant pressure on mums' back. I could also feel wiggly movements just above my pubic bone, which might just mean that his hands/fingers are facing forward (baby's thumb-sucking!). The other thing is a dip/flattened shape of the tummy around the belly-button. Yup, definitely there.

While these news are not the most exciting to some, they definitely give me something to think about. 90th centile could mean anything from baby's just packing up fat at the very last minute to polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) for whatever reason. Or maybe baby's positioning at time of measurement was slightly off resulting in weird numbers, who knows. But now the possibility of induction is there.

And being back-to-back.. (I prefer sunny side up, btw!). I have to start thinking about optimal foetal positioning (OFP) more seriously now. Basically it's the movements/postures that can encourage babies to turn/rotate to OA before labour. Not sure if there's any scientific evidence behind this, but there's no harm in trying, I suppose.

Anyways, I'm thankful that my midwife picked these up, so I can at least (sort of) prepare for it. Even more thankful that Adam was there for the appointment (he couldn't always be, talk about marrying a doctor). Not that he had a lot to say, but it's nice to have him around. I mean, who would've thought we're getting a growth scan at the very end of this pregnancy? And the fear of labour and induction.. That just magnified to another level.

This pregnancy is (literally) taking a whole new turn.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Seed: 36-37 weeks.

Let's be completely honest. Me at 36 weeks.. Was totally unproductive. So ironic considering my previous post is about increasing productivity, hey?

I've only managed to pack the 'baby' aspect of hospital bag. In which I once made a point to blog about, but now am totally exhausted (and not bothered) to unpack everything, lay them out nicely and take a picture of each and every one of them. I really should, though. One for the memory, and two, for future me. Did I over or under-pack? God only knows until I actually write them down here or somewhere. Well I guess baby number two will have to make do then. (Baby number two already??!?)

If there's one thing that's worth shouting about, it's my recent trip to Nottingham all by myself (and Seed, obviously) on the bus and train. Nadd was in Nottingham for a short while, so I thought maybe I should make a quick trip there and see her, stopping by at Leicester to 'pick' Lin up. You see, Northampton and Nottingham, although they share deceivingly similar name and look deceivingly near (they quite are, actually), the public transport says otherwise. 

Nottingham is directly up north of Northampton, after Leicester. If I were to take the train all the way, I'd have to change at Birmingham, which is more towards the west, and the journey alone is about just under 3 hours. The quickest/easiest way is to take the bus from Northampton to Leicester, then hop on the train from Leicester to Nottingham.

With a nearly 37w bump with me.

Grasmere reunited!

It was a successful trip though, Alhamdulillah! Although I did wake up aching all over, and the pressure in my pelvis felt heavier than ever. Could it be the walking encouraging labour? Baby descending down, engaging already? I don't know. But now that we're full term (yay Alhamdulillah!) I cannot wait to have him out. Well, I want him out when he's ready and healthy, obviously, but Seed, can we make it on 1st May, please? Nothing fancy, just because both your mum and dad were born on 1st of the month, and mum is a bit of an OCD, and by 1st May you're nearly 38 weeks so we should be okay. Deal?


Well at 37 weeks I also made another bus trip up to Leicester, just 2 days after the initial one! (You can tell I'm pretty desperate to get things going at this point). Adam had a whole-day course in Derby but I didn't think I'd manage spending 8 hours on my own lugging a 10kg bump around doing nothing. At the same time I wanted to meet him somewhere for a nice meal. So we settled for Leicester, instead. Actually the whole day I was having pretty bad back pain and cramps, almost like a period pain. I was so convinced that things were finally starting.. When.. Nope. As of today I'm still very pregnant.

We had a very nice fulfilling meal at Karamay Chinese Restaurant. Highly recommended when you're in Leicester. Not your typical eatery - you can find plenty of steakhouses or Indian/Asian food around, but this, is completely different. It's on London Road, if anyone's interested. 

And then we met Lin again for an unfinished business. Talk about overly-attached housemate, hmm.

So that's it, the story of my super unproductive life for the past 2 weeks, apart from riding buses and trains. So far there's no signs of labour just yet, I'm guessing Seed's just getting too comfy in there..


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Increasing productivity.

Staying at home with no fixed routine.. It's really easy to lose track of what I did/have been doing the whole day. By the time Adam comes home from work he usually asks, so what have you been up to?

Most answers will usually begin with, hmm.. think!

I have to, since then, find a way to keep track of things - be it what I want to do, or what I should do. So I came up with this.

My own personal planner/organiser.

Inspired by bullet journaling, except that I still can't seem to get my head around the concept. Given that I'm partially OCD to things, I like to have a bit of structure with my planner. Not so carefree, after all. So I came up with a layout that I thought suits me best for now. You can see on the right side things are still a little bit all over the place - I'm working on how best to tackle it. But the main focus is on the weekly spread/layout.

Note that tasks are not arranged in order of importance or time of the day. Also, I just have to break down tasks into small chunks, especially when it comes to daunting things. In my case it's always the laundry. So to make it less painful, I often break laundry to 3 things - angkat, lipat, kemas.

You can argue that they all fall into the same chore of laundry, but since I really dread doing them, I often take my own time with it. (Sometimes, too much time). Often I angkat dried clothes and dump them on the ironing board next to drying rack and leave them overnight. Or I lipat them, and leave them on the bed, alternating between bed and chair, before I finally simpan them nicely into the clothes drawer. Now that's the whole of laundry done.

Another thing that I find really useful is this little tracker.

This tracker is specific for my spiritual daily habits. Before I went on maternity leave, I was so determined to up my iman game. Work got in the way all these while and I just couldn't seem to adjust these into my daily life. So this weekly tracker helps me to get back on track.

If anything, a tick alone is enough to become my motivation. For example, I've been feeling so sluggish after asr prayer that I just wanted to skip mathurat pm altogether. But comes maghrib, my mind starts to ponder.. If I sit another 5-7 minutes longer after prayer for mathurat.. I can get another tick.

Hopefully I'll get to a point where it becomes a habit, rather than merely a tick..

Anyways, this is one of the things that I do to increase my productivity, and so far it works brilliantly. I'm continuously trying to improve the layout, probably add another few things to it. But feel free to tweak things/add different kinds of tracker, e.g. healthy eating, less spending, exercise, whatever works for you!

And oh, I learnt the hard way - it doesn't have to be pretty to work. My OCD level is quite annoying in a sense that I won't do/write/plan things if it's not pretty. So I decided to go simple with black pen and a blank book. And like I said, it works. :)

Friday, April 14, 2017

Seed: 35 weeks.

This week's been pretty odd, I have to say. It's an alternate between fasting and non-fasting days. I know, I know. I haven't actually finished my ganti puasa just yet. (Head hung down). I have a few days left and am so determined to finish it before giving birth, because there'll be another 30 days of fasting awaits once Seed pops out. He's due just before Ramadhan, so I'm pretty sure that's the whole month of no-fast for me (nifas, or lochia as they say here, gross, sorry). (Btw no-fast, nifas, geddit geddit?). Anyways, a little bit about fasting at the end of pregnancy.

I don't think it's entirely recommended, but I can imagine if you're actually pregnant in Ramadhan itself, you wouldn't want to just skip them altogether. There's no right or wrong to it, everyone's different. But here's what I've been doing.

1. Fast on alternate days. Maghrib here is now around 8pm, and fajr around 4am, therefore not much time to gulp down that 2 litres of water overnight. And even if I manage to, that means no sleep at all as I'll be on a conveyor belt between the bed and bathroom. So fasting on alternate days give me time to recover my fluid intake.

2. Keep an eye on baby's movement. This is key. I learnt it the hard way when I was dehydrated while working and had reduced foetal movement (baby not moving much). This time while fasting, although I don't feel particularly tired or hungry, I'm always alert whenever Seed moves. I even talk to him, reassuring him that we only have however-many-hours left to go. Baby pep-talk, anyone?

3. Sahur. Self-explanatory. Drink plenty of water. If you missed sahur, I honestly feel it might be safest to just skip fasting on that day.

4. Or just ganti puasa awal-awal. Take it from me. I had the chance to do it in winter time when maghrib is at 4pm but I was working like mad so didn't quite feel like it. Looking back, I really have should.

Anyways, on to baby things now. I managed to sort quite a few bits out. Productivity is catching up!

The view before. I always joked that we could've set up a baby garage sale in the living room.

Managed to do some laundry of these tiny things. Still quite a few left, but I think if Seed comes out tomorrow (please don't!) we're good to go.

Wait, we haven't bought nappies yet (!!).

Tiny socks for tiny feet. Adam thought my socks are annoying enough (I have 5 pairs of identical grey socks), so when he was hanging these up.. My heart goes out to him.

Even managed to sort out a little corner for Seed!

Here's the tricky thing about preparing for this little one's arrival. We're going home for good in around August, inshaAllah. (I'll go into that some other day.) So we want to really limit on things to buy, given that we then would have to think about shipping later. I'm desperate to focus on necessities - what babies really need, but at the same time I'm trying to be well-prepared too. It is hard. For example, how would you know if you're gonna need that breast pump later? What if baby latches perfectly fine so we won't be needing it at all? And pumping means bottles. Do we buy them now, or should we wait? Hint: we didn't wait.

Another thing worth mentioning is that, most of Seed's stuff are second-hand. Being thrifty is one thing, but for the most part, I don't see why babies need brand new things (especially clothes) since they grow up so fast. This is, of course, each to their own. If you have the capacity for it, by all means. We, on the other hands, are rather tight on space, mainly. We can afford them if we want, Alhamdulillah, but we'd rather save up, especially given that we're going home soon, and that means no income for a while until we figure something out.

So most of the clothes that you see are all second-hands, bought from Gumtree, at a total cost of £15. I appreciate some would disagree, what more with this as our first-born and we're both earning pretty good amount, so why not just splurge a little bit. It's more of a personal choice, really.

The real challenge is not resisting to buy new, but how to make do with what we already have. So here's part of the solution - little boxes! There's absolutely no point in buying new rack or wardrobe, so I figure these shoe and Amazon boxes work pretty neat. 

So.. The boxes you see on the shelves.. Yup, they're practically Seed's wardrobe. Not sure how long they'll stay organised in this way, but I do hope at least until August!

Also the highlight of this week..

We had an adorable little surprise in the mail!

This came while Adam was at work. Since it's addressed to S. Adam, I thought I'd let Adam open it (his name is vaguely there, how mysterious). Apparently he was just as clueless as I was. 

But then.. Mystery solved! This came from Nadd. And the "S" stands for Seed.

Well this thing is just too cute. You know how we always say "I don't want to adult anymore"? This is just the thing for tiny humans.

I call it the "How to Baby" guide book.

Look at that. The one on the left? Thanks Nadd, I foresee myself watching/rehearsing word by word of whatever cartoon there is in future.

So yes, I still have plenty to go through - haven't washed the towels and beddings just yet. And I need to think of what to put into the hospital bags. But I'm already pleased with this week's achievement so I'm just going to put my feet up a bit and chill!

Also, it might be worth saying this now as a reminder for future me - one whole week into maternity leave, and it already feels AWESOME. Adam comes home to nicely cooked food every time, his clothes laundered and ironed.. It's a satisfaction on its own. I mean, is this what the stay-at-home-mums feel? Pretty awesome I'd say.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Seed: 34 weeks.

Hitting 34 weeks feels like taking this pregnancy to a whole new level. No joke.


Look. At. That. Bump. Smile.

If I'm honest there were times when I doubted myself if I really could do it - doctoring while being heavily pregnant. The tiredness, the stress, the lack of sleep.. Everything! I even wondered what would happen if I took the last 2 days off because I was in so much discomfort over the weekend that by Monday I was just exhausted.

But I made it through, Alhamdulillah!

Speaking of the weekend, here's what happened. Braxton Hicks. Yes, Braxton Hicks was what happened. I've had them before, so it's not like I didn't know what was coming. But over the weekend they were so strong and frequent and lasted for what felt like hours! My bump could go rock solid for a very long time, that sometimes I found myself doing the deep slow breathing just to ease it off. 

Btw Braxton Hicks are false contractions in preparation for the actual labour. They're often irregular without any pattern. Not particularly painful, but CAN be very very, very, uncomfortable.

I rang the midwife on Monday just to check if what I had was normal - first pregnancy, not a clue. She advised that it did sound like my tummy was just practicing for the actual day, so nothing to be worried about. And Seed's been moving fine too, not that I'm overly worried anyway. I think I was just so exhausted from the discomfort, more than anything. It's easing off now, thank God.

Speaking of Seed, we can often feel his feet sticking out just under my ribs a lot of the times. It's pretty funny because I like to poke them and he would then kick back in annoyance (I imagine). Haha.

Adam and I also went to an antenatal class aimed for first time parents last week. Free on NHS, so why not. 

And the class was.. Okay. I was hoping for more practical advice, like real-life solution for things. But it was a lot of medical facts, e.g. stages of labour, pain relief ladder.. Most of them I already knew. I guess it'd be more useful for laypersons, not quite for those who are well-acquainted with hospital and medical stuff.

I am now sitting in bed typing this while thinking of the amount of chores to tackle while I'm off. It's very tempting to think that I've got all the time in the world to do them, but so far my only achievement are cooking lunch and doing one load of laundry.

Hoping for a more productive me soon. Phew.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Seed: 33 weeks.

33 weeks! How time flies! Here in UK, when you register your pregnancy with your midwife/GP (wow that feels like aaages ago), they often give you a starter pack for pregnancy - depending on which organisation they partner with, e.g. Bounty or Emma's Diary. The starter pack often includes a booklet/magazine on pregnancy and gazilion leaflets of pregnancy/baby-related products - some of them might be useful, most of them are marketing works. 

But the one thing that I love about the packs is that they often come with vouchers for freebies! So naturally the thrifty in me went through each and every one of the magazine, looking for vouchers that I could claim. And we spent the last week or so hunting these little goodies down.

The packs come in 3 types. Mum-to-be, Newborn, and Family Pack, depending on where you are at your pregnancy/motherhood. So I got the Mum-to-be one.

This one's got nappies from Boots own brand, Sudocrem nappy rash cream, Persil detergent wash and some pantyliners from Always. Always in UK is a bit like Kotex in Malaysia - they're pretty much the leading brand for sanitary towels, given that there's not a lot of choice as people often prefer tampons here!

Emma's Diary

So far I've got the Bump to Baby and Mum to Be packs. They're quite okay, just that I don't really see the point of having a baby bunting. Maybe it's because we don't intend to convert the second room aka Adam's office to baby's room, perhaps? And we're not going crazy with this baby's stuff, so we're more focused on needs as opposed to wants.

I quite like the samples though.

Apart from the bunting, there are samples from Pampers, Metanium nappy rash cream (this is widely used in hospitals) and a bunch of Lansinoh products - baby wash, breastmilk storage bags and a pair of nursing pads. I've read that the nursing pads are really good for leaky boobs, but we'll see. 

(I'd accept if you guys stop reading at this point, too mak-mak, lol).

Another pack contains more nappies from Boots, Palmer tummy butter, more Persil detergent (we have always used Persil anyway!) and more samples of pads and pantyliners for those accident-prone days. Or even normal days, who am I kidding.

All in all, it's still better than nothing! I still think nappies make the best samples, for obvious reasons. They are definitely needed - and purchasing one brand in one size in bulk without really knowing whether your baby will get on with them doesn't sound like a wise idea. 

The same goes with bottles. If only I could get a sample of some of the brands.. How I wish! I ended up buying a starter set anyway - they're on sale, can't resist, don't judge. So hopefully Seed will get on fine with them.

Can't help but realise that I sound so mak-mak, haha. Well brace yourself, there's more to come.

Anyways, 2 days of work left, yay!

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Seed: 28 weeks.

I've always wanted to write a whole post on being pregnant - this time not so much focusing on Seed, but rather, ME.

1. Of gaining weight.

One of my biggest fears of pregnancy is gaining weight. Yes, weight. Both my mum and sister are on the chunkier side - imagine the pressure. Yes, I never had any weight issues growing up, but man am I scared of gaining weight..

And my mum used to tell me that she weighed way less than I did pre-pregnancy. Lagi lah pressure kau. And to be veeery honest, I take pride of my figure. I did not just magically have toned abs (not six-packs!) - I planked, I ran, I did crunches for years. I even went on healthy diet at some point, ha! So yes, I can honestly say I was quite fit pre-pregnancy, despite being on the rather 'small' side.

I've not gained massive weight so far on this pregnancy just yet, but I really am scared. For someone who's never had any weight issue, my fear of gaining weight can be rather irrational..

2. Of stretch marks.

Again, this one.. I did a whole lot of research at the early stages of pregnancy. Even considered buying high-end creams with a hefty price tag in an effort to 'prevent' them! But sooner than later I learned that stretch marks are mainly genetics. And luck. Some people never had one, some had it in first trimester. My mum definitely had them, although I'm sure having 5 children plays a role in that matter. I succumbed to the fact that there's not much that can be done about it, so mehh, let's just embrace it. I still, religiously put creams on my tummy - Diprobase emolient, no less, because we had a heck of 500g bottle of that stuff when Adam had some skin rash last year. Alhamdulillah, not a streak of line (apart from linea nigra, that's some serious strange business man!!).

To be fair I did have a habit of applying lotions on my skin after every shower pre-pregnancy, not sure if that contributes.

3. Of uncomfortable sleeps.

Adam and I.. We're both independent sleepers (more so me than him). Which means we don't really cuddle to sleep with the exception of some midnight cuddles when we're both half-asleep. But man.. Do I crave to have the whole bed to myself.

There was a time when Adam did his night shift over the weekend, and I have to admit I loved the 3 nights that I got the whole bed to myself. It's just impossible to be comfortable with such growing bump - and having another person sharing the bed doesn't really help.

I feel bad saying this, but honestly, the thought of going to bed doesn't equate to being well-rested, no matter how tired I already am. And every now and then I end up sleeping in the lounge surrounded by a bunch of thick duvets on the floor - all the space I can get to roll around!

4. Of random twinges of pain and discomfort.

Getting up from the chair is uncomfortable. Peeing is uncomfortable. Putting on the socks can be a struggle. And worst of all, waking up from lying down, man, that's serious business.

Heck my tummy feels so stretched and tight even now as I'm typing this.

It's about 15-minute walk to hospital where I work, and it's an uphill walk. Not the most pleasant walk unfortunately.

5. Of drinking for England.

On one occasion, I couldn't feel Seed moving very much. Had to get myself checked out by the midwife, and I turned out to be very dehydrated. Since then I've been drinking for England. And peeing like a tap too.

I don't know what is it about pregnancy but I never seem to be getting enough fluid intake. The moment I felt good about my drinking habit, my pee was still dark yellow. I mean, come on, I've had 1.5L in already!

And yes, hello midnight bathroom trips. There was a time I was so knackered in the morning as I had to get up 4-5 times at night to pee just because I've been drinking a gallon during the evening. I kinda learn the trick now - drink like a champ during the day, even if that means going to the toilet after seeing each patient on ward round (can be hilarious), and then limit myself to one cup in the evening. Of course, the moment I wake up in the morning, the pee would still be dark, but heck, mommy need that 8-hr minimum sleep.

6. Of loneliness.

They say motherhood can be a lonely journey. They never said anything about pregnancy. I cannot help but feel so alone sometimes. Unless you've been pregnant before, you would never know how it feels to carry a >5kg bump 24/7. I didn't. I used to think, ahh look at those pregnant ladies, all glowing and smiling. I always thought pregnant women are beautiful. But I don't feel like one, how come? I'm all puffed up, my eye bags alone might have contributed to 1kg of the weight gain. The loneliness.. Is real. They say pregnancy is not a disease. I agree, but it's "normal" to a whole new level. It's the strangest physiological thing that can ever happen to your body.

A lot of times.. It's between you and baby and God.


This was written when I was at 28w. Didn't get to finish it then (typical!). I'm waaay beyond that now, so you might want to multiply the above by 1.25 or something. I'm heavier, bumpier, slower - everything you can ever imagine.


I'm more contented too. (Surprise!). Somehow knowing that the baby's growing nice and healthy.. And realising that we're going to meet him sooner than later.. That, my friends, is such an indescribable feeling. Every kick, every swish, every roll, every Braxon Hicks (!!), means we're a step closer. And that is always something to be grateful for.

Friday, March 3, 2017

"Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship."

I have a small confession.

I never really wanted to do Medicine.

Not news? Alright, how about.. I'm still not sure if I want to.

Despite the nearly 7 months of doctoring.
Despite the kind words from my colleagues and staff nurses.
Despite the praises from my seniors.
Despite the look of appreciation from my patients.
Despite the glowing assessment by my team members.

"You're a good doctor, you really are, but that's probably not what you wanted to hear."

I have another month or so to finish this rotation before going off on my maternity leave. The initial plan was to leave and never come back, ever (there, I said it), but I created a whole fuss in management department because I left my online portfolio completely untouched, apart from some team assessments and meetings with supervisors. They're not too happy, especially given that I would've completed 8 months of FY1 by the time I leave and not a single evidence of competencies. That's 2/3rd of becoming fully a registered/certified doctor!

"Your lack of engagement with the portfolio is almost like your way of saying 'that's it, you've had enough.'"

An act of rebellion.

True, it's that one thing that I can (sort of) control within my power. I cannot choose to not go to work - professionalism. I cannot choose to not see sick patients - patient safety. I cannot choose to not do my job sloppily - heck, have some standard, will you? You're a flippin' doctor!

But I can choose to not do any of the online things, can I? 

Well until I got caught anyway.

So I agreed to work on that bit - at least giving myself an option to return to medicine after 1 year of maternity leave, as my visa would still be running/ongoing throughout that period.

I have to say, it felt such a relief to finally be able to voice out how I've been feeling and finally be heard/taken seriously. For once, it didn't feel like everyone is on my back to complete this, ie continue medicine. I tried seeking help when I was in medical school, but all I got was "you have to finish this", or "you'll be fine", or "try working as a doctor first see how you feel". Well, I am a friggin' doctor and this is how I feel.


There's a massive hikmah on me not working on my eportfolio. It's amazing how Allah always knows what's best for you.

A part of me feels that if only I sought help earlier at work.. Although I doubt it's going to change the outcome anyway, at least I won't struggle alone - hidden by a confident, chilled facade on everyday work.

"Find light in the beautiful sea 
I choose to be happy" - Diamonds, Rihanna

Happiness is a choice, indeed. And I choose to be happy.

We are currently presented with an opportunity to finally stop doctoring. We, because Adam too, isn't really the biggest fan of doctoring. And opportunity, because I've learnt to see every difficulty as an opportunity since my epic fallout many years ago.

We've spent years of our lives following a path that's been carved right in front of us. It was challenging, but it's a rather straight path, nevertheless. All we had to do was follow the path, survive through the path, and it brought us here - by choice or not.

I feel that it's time for us to make an active decision and take charge of our life and not let the path decide for us. We've been at ease all these while, and somehow this speech by Denzel Washington came at a right time, hitting home.

"Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship."

Link here.

In the end, Allah is the best planner, after all.