Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Friday, April 14, 2017
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Friday, March 31, 2017
Saturday, March 25, 2017
6. Of loneliness.
They say motherhood can be a lonely journey. They never said anything about pregnancy. I cannot help but feel so alone sometimes. Unless you've been pregnant before, you would never know how it feels to carry a >5kg bump 24/7. I didn't. I used to think, ahh look at those pregnant ladies, all glowing and smiling. I always thought pregnant women are beautiful. But I don't feel like one, how come? I'm all puffed up, my eye bags alone might have contributed to 1kg of the weight gain. The loneliness.. Is real. They say pregnancy is not a disease. I agree, but it's "normal" to a whole new level. It's the strangest physiological thing that can ever happen to your body.
A lot of times.. It's between you and baby and God.
This was written when I was at 28w. Didn't get to finish it then (typical!). I'm waaay beyond that now, so you might want to multiply the above by 1.25 or something. I'm heavier, bumpier, slower - everything you can ever imagine.
I'm more contented too. (Surprise!). Somehow knowing that the baby's growing nice and healthy.. And realising that we're going to meet him sooner than later.. That, my friends, is such an indescribable feeling. Every kick, every swish, every roll, every Braxon Hicks (!!), means we're a step closer. And that is always something to be grateful for.
Friday, March 3, 2017
I never really wanted to do Medicine.
Not news? Alright, how about.. I'm still not sure if I want to.
Despite the nearly 7 months of doctoring.
Despite the kind words from my colleagues and staff nurses.
Despite the praises from my seniors.
Despite the look of appreciation from my patients.
Despite the glowing assessment by my team members.
"You're a good doctor, you really are, but that's probably not what you wanted to hear."
"Your lack of engagement with the portfolio is almost like your way of saying 'that's it, you've had enough.'"
"Find light in the beautiful sea
I choose to be happy" - Diamonds, Rihanna
Happiness is a choice, indeed. And I choose to be happy.
We are currently presented with an opportunity to finally stop doctoring. We, because Adam too, isn't really the biggest fan of doctoring. And opportunity, because I've learnt to see every difficulty as an opportunity since my epic fallout many years ago.
In the end, Allah is the best planner, after all.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
We started off the journey from Birmingham International Airport.
Our tickets costed about £550pp return. We could've saved more if we flew from London but Adam was working the day before the trip, so we decided not to get too stressed out on planning and just pay extra for the convenience. And I always prefer flying out from Birmingham as it's a smaller airport (despite being international) and it's easier to get to (about 1 hour plus by train from Leicester).
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Thursday, January 26, 2017
On the bright side, I've actually been working for nearly 2 months on this job, nearly half way done!
He's a big boy now! Fine, more like tummy's getting bigger and bigger. I can no longer sujud without feeling the pressure around the hip. Walking fast means holding my tummy for support (read: mums' instinctive mechanism). I just feel constantly heavy.
Which brings us to the next point - I'm not exactly heavy, heavy. I've only gained a little over 4kgs over the last 6 months. I don't look terribly pregnant apart from the growing tummy. So I shouldn't really feel that 'heavy', if anything.
In fact, I've hit my current weight once when I was home in Malaysia for nearly 2 months or so. So really, this isn't really heavy.
It's a lie if I say I'm not worried about Seed not growing enough - after all people keep warning me about weight gain in pregnancy and I, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. I've been constantly tired and stressed on the job, and I well know it can affect baby's growth.
But I keep reminding myself, as long as Seed's healthy, figures don't matter. He's been kicking up a storm, his favourites are handover time at work and just as I'm about to sleep. I have a feeling he's responding to voices (hence the handover dance!). Also, he sometimes kicks like mad when Adam's telling me things, and pauses when I tell Adam about this - what a cheeky bunny.
I've been told that babies recognise the language spoken to them - as if, they pick up the accent and lingo. Obviously they might not understand just yet, but they're aware. And for this very reason, I reeeeally think Adam and I should speak more English at home.
Yes, we often talk gibberish to each other - (rahsia kebahagiaan, kah!). How to speak English then?
Craving-wise, I find myself in a bit of a sticky dark mess of coffee addiction. I cannot get the Hazelnut Coffeemate that we had in The States out of my mind. That. Is. Pure. Gold. I tell you. So I've been looking for alternatives here - Old Town's not one of them as they're too high in sugar, and the less sugar ones taste too artificial to my liking. So I ended up scouring through Amazon and found the Hazelnut Coffeemate, for a friggin' £7! Gaaahhhhhh.
Although to be fair, it's not really the money I'm too concerned about, it's the potential exponential increment of coffee consumption that might come with it that's more worrying.
(Word of caution: I might still end up buying it, lol.)
So yeah, reeeally. Nothing too exciting going on right now. My family's now here, actually in Amsterdam to be exact, ha! Other than that, life's pretty much as what it is - work and sleep. I've also been posting from my iPhone instead of laptop, because, sleeeeeep. (I need at least 8-9hours of sleep to function properly the next day).
Mad respect to pregnant doctors who work until right before they're due!
Sunday, January 22, 2017
There's something about living abroad thousands of miles away from home, just the two of you - just him, and you.
It can be pretty lonely, it can seem like an endless journey with no definite destination, and at times, it can be really frustrating.
But it's mostly amazing. The love that you have for each other, is a different kind of love. It's the tenderness, the affection, the morning snuggles on a frosty Sunday morning when you have to work for a 13-hour shift, knowing full well that none of us really wants to do that.
It's knowing that we're in this together, lonely or not. Alone, we can be lonely together, can't we?
Adam was about to snuggle up to me one night, when I suddenly shoved a bolster into him and turned the other way. I was half-asleep (with somehow very good reflex) so of course I didn't remember anything.
So when he told me this the next morning, we laughed. He even acted out the whole thing again - there we were, two perfectly grown adults on a foreign land far far away from home - jumping in bed, re-enacting the scene that wouldn't even mean much to others. But at that moment, at that very moment, it felt like we belong here. We belong together, and that's all that matters.
It's just warmth and fuzziness.
I have a habit of tickling his feet in the morning when they stick out of the duvet (he's just got really long legs!), and he would shuffle, sometimes even wiggle his toes, half-asleep.
The same as how he likes to snuggle up to me at night, and hold me close when I'm asleep. I don't think he even realises doing it, especially in the middle of the night - I'm a light sleeper, he's the complete opposite, totally comatosed. Still, he'd give me soft pats as if trying to put me back to sleep.
(Basically we really like each other when one of us is asleep.)
I suppose that's the thing about the togetherness in us. Lonely or not, we're in this, together.