Increasing productivity.

Staying at home with no fixed routine.. It's really easy to lose track of what I did/have been doing the whole day. By the time Adam comes home from work he usually asks, so what have you been up to?

Most answers will usually begin with, hmm.. think!

I have to, since then, find a way to keep track of things - be it what I want to do, or what I should do. So I came up with this.

My own personal planner/organiser.

Inspired by bullet journaling, except that I still can't seem to get my head around the concept. Given that I'm partially OCD to things, I like to have a bit of structure with my planner. Not so carefree, after all. So I came up with a layout that I thought suits me best for now. You can see on the right side things are still a little bit all over the place - I'm working on how best to tackle it. But the main focus is on the weekly spread/layout.

Note that tasks are not arranged in order of importance or time of the day. Also, I just have to break down tasks into small chunks, especially when it comes to daunting things. In my case it's always the laundry. So to make it less painful, I often break laundry to 3 things - angkat, lipat, kemas.

You can argue that they all fall into the same chore of laundry, but since I really dread doing them, I often take my own time with it. (Sometimes, too much time). Often I angkat dried clothes and dump them on the ironing board next to drying rack and leave them overnight. Or I lipat them, and leave them on the bed, alternating between bed and chair, before I finally simpan them nicely into the clothes drawer. Now that's the whole of laundry done.

Another thing that I find really useful is this little tracker.

This tracker is specific for my spiritual daily habits. Before I went on maternity leave, I was so determined to up my iman game. Work got in the way all these while and I just couldn't seem to adjust these into my daily life. So this weekly tracker helps me to get back on track.

If anything, a tick alone is enough to become my motivation. For example, I've been feeling so sluggish after asr prayer that I just wanted to skip mathurat pm altogether. But comes maghrib, my mind starts to ponder.. If I sit another 5-7 minutes longer after prayer for mathurat.. I can get another tick.

Hopefully I'll get to a point where it becomes a habit, rather than merely a tick..

Anyways, this is one of the things that I do to increase my productivity, and so far it works brilliantly. I'm continuously trying to improve the layout, probably add another few things to it. But feel free to tweak things/add different kinds of tracker, e.g. healthy eating, less spending, exercise, whatever works for you!

And oh, I learnt the hard way - it doesn't have to be pretty to work. My OCD level is quite annoying in a sense that I won't do/write/plan things if it's not pretty. So I decided to go simple with black pen and a blank book. And like I said, it works. :)

"Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship."

I have a small confession.

I never really wanted to do Medicine.

Not news? Alright, how about.. I'm still not sure if I want to.

Despite the nearly 7 months of doctoring.
Despite the kind words from my colleagues and staff nurses.
Despite the praises from my seniors.
Despite the look of appreciation from my patients.
Despite the glowing assessment by my team members.

"You're a good doctor, you really are, but that's probably not what you wanted to hear."

I have another month or so to finish this rotation before going off on my maternity leave. The initial plan was to leave and never come back, ever (there, I said it), but I created a whole fuss in management department because I left my online portfolio completely untouched, apart from some team assessments and meetings with supervisors. They're not too happy, especially given that I would've completed 8 months of FY1 by the time I leave and not a single evidence of competencies. That's 2/3rd of becoming fully a registered/certified doctor!

"Your lack of engagement with the portfolio is almost like your way of saying 'that's it, you've had enough.'"

An act of rebellion.

True, it's that one thing that I can (sort of) control within my power. I cannot choose to not go to work - professionalism. I cannot choose to not see sick patients - patient safety. I cannot choose to not do my job sloppily - heck, have some standard, will you? You're a flippin' doctor!

But I can choose to not do any of the online things, can I? 

Well until I got caught anyway.

So I agreed to work on that bit - at least giving myself an option to return to medicine after 1 year of maternity leave, as my visa would still be running/ongoing throughout that period.

I have to say, it felt such a relief to finally be able to voice out how I've been feeling and finally be heard/taken seriously. For once, it didn't feel like everyone is on my back to complete this, ie continue medicine. I tried seeking help when I was in medical school, but all I got was "you have to finish this", or "you'll be fine", or "try working as a doctor first see how you feel". Well, I am a friggin' doctor and this is how I feel.

Unhappy.

There's a massive hikmah on me not working on my eportfolio. It's amazing how Allah always knows what's best for you.

A part of me feels that if only I sought help earlier at work.. Although I doubt it's going to change the outcome anyway, at least I won't struggle alone - hidden by a confident, chilled facade on everyday work.

"Find light in the beautiful sea 

I choose to be happy" - Diamonds, Rihanna

Happiness is a choice, indeed. And I choose to be happy.

We are currently presented with an opportunity to finally stop doctoring. We, because Adam too, isn't really the biggest fan of doctoring. And opportunity, because I've learnt to see every difficulty as an opportunity since my epic fallout many years ago.

We've spent years of our lives following a path that's been carved right in front of us. It was challenging, but it's a rather straight path, nevertheless. All we had to do was follow the path, survive through the path, and it brought us here - by choice or not.

I feel that it's time for us to make an active decision and take charge of our life and not let the path decide for us. We've been at ease all these while, and somehow this speech by Denzel Washington came at a right time, hitting home.

"Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship."

Link here.

In the end, Allah is the best planner, after all.

The longest January yet.

January feels like it's dragging on foreeveeeerr. Let's see, I've done nights (8.30pm-9.30am), I've done lates (2pm-10pm), I've even done long days (8.30am-9.30pm). And I'm currently on day 8 of a 9-day stretch, yet it's not even February! There's something about this Paediatrics job that makes time go awfully selloowww I swear.

On the bright side, I've actually been working for nearly 2 months on this job, nearly half way done!

Anyway, on to my favourite topic - Seed.

He's a big boy now! Fine, more like tummy's getting bigger and bigger. I can no longer sujud without feeling the pressure around the hip. Walking fast means holding my tummy for support (read: mums' instinctive mechanism). I just feel constantly heavy.

Which brings us to the next point - I'm not exactly heavy, heavy. I've only gained a little over 4kgs over the last 6 months. I don't look terribly pregnant apart from the growing tummy. So I shouldn't really feel that 'heavy', if anything.

In fact, I've hit my current weight once when I was home in Malaysia for nearly 2 months or so. So really, this isn't really heavy.

It's a lie if I say I'm not worried about Seed not growing enough - after all people keep warning me about weight gain in pregnancy and I, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. I've been constantly tired and stressed on the job, and I well know it can affect baby's growth.

But I keep reminding myself, as long as Seed's healthy, figures don't matter. He's been kicking up a storm, his favourites are handover time at work and just as I'm about to sleep. I have a feeling he's responding to voices (hence the handover dance!). Also, he sometimes kicks like mad when Adam's telling me things, and pauses when I tell Adam about this - what a cheeky bunny.

I've been told that babies recognise the language spoken to them - as if, they pick up the accent and lingo. Obviously they might not understand just yet, but they're aware. And for this very reason, I reeeeally think Adam and I should speak more English at home.

Yes, we often talk gibberish to each other - (rahsia kebahagiaan, kah!). How to speak English then?

Craving-wise, I find myself in a bit of a sticky dark mess of coffee addiction. I cannot get the Hazelnut Coffeemate that we had in The States out of my mind. That. Is. Pure. Gold. I tell you. So I've been looking for alternatives here - Old Town's not one of them as they're too high in sugar, and the less sugar ones taste too artificial to my liking. So I ended up scouring through Amazon and found the Hazelnut Coffeemate, for a friggin' £7! Gaaahhhhhh.

Although to be fair, it's not really the money I'm too concerned about, it's the potential exponential increment of coffee consumption that might come with it that's more worrying.

(Word of caution: I might still end up buying it, lol.)

So yeah, reeeally. Nothing too exciting going on right now. My family's now here, actually in Amsterdam to be exact, ha! Other than that, life's pretty much as what it is - work and sleep. I've also been posting from my iPhone instead of laptop, because, sleeeeeep. (I need at least 8-9hours of sleep to function properly the next day).

Mad respect to pregnant doctors who work until right before they're due!

One not-terribly-pregnant doctor counting hours to finish her 13-hour shift. 

Unwell.

I'm down being unwell again.

Been vomiting small amounts since yesterday with tummy ache. 

I'm supposed to be on night shift this week, 8pm-8am, while Adam is on day on-call 8am-8pm. So really, the only time we see each other is at surgical handover room. Sucks.

And when you're ill not seeing your other half kinda makes it worse. We also have no time to cook proper meal so every time we come home (alone) it's a matter of what's in the fridge - to me it's more of what I could stomach and keep down.

Side note, I made ikan goreng for lunch earlier hoping that it'd be the comfort food I could keep down, but no, a quarter of it came back up shortly after.

The ikan goreng itself, was delicious.

So here I am, at 6.45pm, still in bed, in scrubs from last night. Had to call in sick as last night I didn't even last till 8am. Yep, vomiting at the hospital isn't fun so I left at 4am. 

You'd think prescribing anti-sickness to patients has become so routine that when it happens to you, you wonder if you should have some yourself too.

I even called my mom asking if she could come over for a week - I'd pay for her flight if I have to! It was a whole dramatic affair - me wailing on the phone, like really sobbing, and her, panicking. Too bad she really couldn't, she already used up all her leave, but good thing is she only has 3 weeks to retirement so she can come over after that!

Actually my parents are coming in January anyway.. But hey, November and January makes a difference okay.

But really.. I just want to go home..

Payday rants.

We finally have the mighty internet at home, wuhooo!

Yes we were living without wifi for nearly a month. The days seemed so long before, which actually felt good, sans the boredom of course, and now it seems like 24 hours is never enough!

Ever so grateful, nevertheless. Alhamdulillah.

Aaaand, it's also payday! Only to realise that we're not paid (yet) on the 4-day shadowing period we had at the beginning of the month. The junior doctors whatsapp group is fuming with anger, that someone actually sent a text to the Trust CEO pertaining the matter. Well of course, that's more than £300 missing. Marah okay marah. But the reply from her was encouraging, said she'd look into this ASAP. There's a massive shortage of junior doctors nationwide, and there's a pressure from the government to impose budget cut in healthcare system. Understaffed, underpaid, overworked, not safe! Aaand you get angry doctors too.

Ha, gitu.

I'll leave work at that. It seems all we talk about these days is werk werk werk and more werk.

So today is our off day. We have a few things in mind to get sorted, and a huge bulk of it is going shopping! And it's on Adam wuhoo! Actually he just needs to find new chair and possibly a new TV, but that's as exciting as things can get since I stopped wearing colours few years ago!

Yes, I actually stopped wearing colours circa 2014-2015. I don't take many ootds (in fact not at all?), but if you notice I only wear black headscarf and white top. On occasions (raya, graduation) I broke the rule as it's nearly impossible to find nice clothes, especially traditional ones, in black and white. Even if there is, they cost a bomb, which I cannot justify. At all.

Pergi kebun pun kena black and white ok.

Other than that, there's not a lot of things going on at the mo. I'm hoping to get into something new - crafts and sewing. Especially when I'm very picky with my outfit (design-wise, colour, not so much!), I hope to finally make/wear my own clothes one day. Seems far-fetched but I have actually been toying with the idea since last year. And my mom sews too! Well to be fair, she does a lot of things, which makes me feel like a minutiae in the domestic department.

And I finally took the plunge into KL dUck, haha. I have been so wanting to get the black one, but couldn't justify the price. Now that I think about it, I'm working, so what's a little £40 for a scarf.. Right? Riiighhhttt? Aaahhh I wouldn't, trust me, like, would never, get it if it's not for the KL motives. Having been in the UK for nearly 5 years now I have that immense pride of KL, so fine, I'll pay for this one! We're talking about someone who never batted an eye for the LE ones, guys. So this KL dUck is. A. Huge. Deal.

Ahh talk about money in these days.

Saw someone posted a picture of cekodok ikan bilis and now I want some. Actually last night at 9pm I went to Morrisons alone just because someone posted a picture of mushroom soup. So now I'm gonna make my cekodok in our nice little kitchen. Ooohh the kitchen, must share with you guys. Actually this new house, aaahhh major love. But first, cekodok! Iman kelaut, haha.

Hope life is treating everyone good, inshaAllah!

Reality hits.

Truth is, I still feel like this is a phase of my life that soon, is going to pass.

This, too, shall pass.

Like it's only temporary. But who am I kidding right?

Underneath what seems to be the perfect life that we have now, there's a major fear deep inside us.

The fear of, unhappiness.

We're both desperate to get out of medicine. 

Let's get that out of the way - loud and clear.

That's the main reason why I don't usually talk about medicine and the likes, other than some occasional rants on how swamped I was with school and studies.

Unfortunately when there's two of you doing what you don't like (almost hate, even), the intensity grew over time.

I, for example, was only a wee bit relieved when I found out that I passed finals.

And while working here in the UK might sound glamorous to some, no it isn't. Not especially when you dread what you're doing.

I'll give you an example.

Adam had a 4-day annual leave. He welcomed it as a good rest. We went out for meals, slept in til late, all was fine and dandy. Until the last evening before he had to start working again. He'd whine and wail and moan and complain and just dread going to work the very next day.

Repeat this for a whole year. What am I to do? Do I say quit your job and follow your passion like a good friend does? Or keep going, it will get better, spoken from a fellow medical colleague? Or the best one yet, unfortunately we'll need a stable job with stable income - coming from a wife (never actually said that, phew).

And now it's my turn. Soon enough I'll step into his shoes. I can already foresee how unhappy we'd become.

Actually..

I'm already unhappy..

I made it through medical school relentlessly praying for Allah to make it easy for me. To open up a path through this all. To soften my heart in medicine.

But next week.. Is real. Working life.. Is real. Being a doctor.. Is real.

(I re-read the above and saw Israel, lol)

And I only have prayers and Him to guide me, inshaAllah.

Our little family of two.

We are soo back, Alhamdulillah!

By 'back' I mean, UK-back. Didn't get a chance to update further whilst in Malaysia as Adam came home and my online life came to a halt (as usual), and we had what was probably the most meaningful time in Malaysia, ever.

By 'meaningful', I mean a quarter-life crisis.

There was a lot of 'adult' stuff going on. Family responsibilities, financial matters, health/life insurance, and eventually, the big question of,

To UK or not to UK.

The question arised probably from having the privilege of spending quite a substantial amount of time together in Malaysia. Yes, 12 days is long, considering last time we only had 3 days together and all the rest of it we were just being, um, independent travellers ie we went back alone without the significant other, haha.

And probably because Adam has now started working for quite a while, that the reality of working/living in the UK is starting to hit him.

And also because the awesomeness of home is just, unbeatable!

Suddenly returning to UK felt really daunting.

It doesn't help that Adam is starting immediately with long shifts of 9am-10pm straight and I'll be in Burton for the next seven weeks (which also means that Adam won't be able to drive me there because he'll finish at 10pm this Sunday when I have to leave for Burton).

Now now, how do I pack a 15-tog duvet into a suitcase, carrying them all on the train? (after unpacking the whole stuff from Malaysia of course.)

Last night we both slept early thanks to jet-lag and woke up at around 3am. I knew I could stay awake and still sleep later in the day but Adam needed the sleep as he'd have to work until late tonight!

I offered to give him a massage, hoping that he'd doze off back to sleep. He did, fortunately.

It was a moment of pure bliss, that quiet early morning, watching him sleeping peacefully. Malaysia is home, undeniably, but UK is not too bad. We have an easy life here, Alhamdulillah, albeit pretty dull. All the serious conversation of where to settle down felt less of a question, as I thought, I still have to finish my degree first, hehe. Then we'll probably have that serious talk again, but we'll worry about it later, life now is pretty good.

So yeah, back to our little family of two now.

I am sensing that 2016 will bring a whole lot of responsibilities of different kinds, yay!

2016 - To a better us, inshaaAllah!

Eidsthoscope.

Pretty good for a word sandwich, no?

Just like what it says, Eid with stethoscope!

Actually long before I came back to UK from summer break, I've already made a mental note on what to wear for Eid this time. Raya haji. Semangat ok! Siap tanya Adam dia bawak baju melayu apa so that we can match.

Turned out we only matched for one thing.

The stethoscope!

Even with that I had to ask him to take a picture with his steths since he's doing psychiatry at the moment, and psych people ain't got time to listen to people's chest. They're only good at listening to the heart (ie what patients have got to say, deep down from the bottom of their heart). Hehe.

No offence to budding psychiatrists out there! (well, me?)

To make it even nicer, we actually didn't get to celebrate Eid together since I'm in Northampton now, and I was too lazy to go back to Leicester for a day just for Eid, nevermind the fact that Leicester is just an hour away. It's like bila makcik jiran sebelah rumah tanya, "tak balik kampung ke raya ni?"

"Tak makcik, malas. Tapi sejam je perjalanan sebenarnya." 

A sacrifice I made for my education and learning. Cannot brain, lol.

But anyways, hope you guys had a good Eid, with the true meaningful message of sacrifice that it brings with. I'm a little bit too far ie detached at the moment I must admit, must step back and find 'the purpose' asap. 

And.. With all that's been going on at Makkah at the moment, al-fatihah, He knows best. May Allah grant the strength and ease the hearts of their loved ones.

Lincoln.

Last night I made a deal with Adam that if he gave me a back massage I would write a new blog post for his entertainment. Lol. Fair enough. So here comes. 

I'm currently in Lincoln!

Doing gastrointestinal rotation now and the place is so nice! En-suite flat with shared kitchen, and the hospital 3 minutes walk away, I'm enjoying this so far. Well other than the fact that Lincoln is nearly 2 hours train away from Leicester, other than that I am not complaining. 

But yes as you can imagine the tiny weeny bed is not built for two people, so we'll have to make do with that for now. And I am pretty sure Adam is feeling the pressure a little bit more since I tend to take more than two third space of the bed, regardless the size. Lol. 

Anyhoots, we're going back to Leicester tomorrow so hello double bed again!

Ps. I must have been reeeeally out of idea that this post is primarily about beds. Blegh.

Stomach flu.

".. Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else. It's something you do for yourself. It's saying, You're not important enough to have a stranglehold on me. It's saying, You don't get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future." - The Storyteller, Jodi Picoult

On a completely unrelated note, I have been 70% bed-bound for the past two days, making it a total of three days as the clock strikes 12 tonight. 

Yes yes it's yet another How I spend my winter break post. Which sadly, doesn't get better in time. I'm  caught up in what I'm pretty sure called as the stomach flu, or in its clever name viral gasteroenteritis. Which, let's be very honest, doesn't quite tally with all other symptoms that I have.

Stuff related to stomach flu:

Nausea, checked

Vomit, checked

Diarrhoea, checked

Bloating, checked

Abdominal cramps, checked

Mild fever, checked

Stuff I'm not sure why:

Massive intermittent abdominal cramps lasting 10-20 seconds every 15-20 minutes

Localised dull ache around the area of the xiphoid process

These two are pretty mysterious, and they're are the ones waking me up at night, horrifyingly. They seem more of a musculoskeletal stuff, but who knows? I'm not entirely convinced that it has to do with reflux and stuff since it really is pain, rather than burning sensation etc. And it doesn't go anywhere i.e. you get burning sensation behind your sternum up to your throat with reflux.

Sigh.

And no, I am not pregnant. Yet.

I rarely get gastrointestinal upset. Hardly. Ever. The foodie I am doesn't quite agree with it. Now that I'm having them, I can hardly eat and even if I do, I would be having a hard time to keep them down. I have been surviving on Milo, cereals and bread for the last 24 hours. And people, I really am desperate.

Had a friend staying over last night at our place who's been trying to coax me to eat regularly, albeit whatever it is. Another friend who gave the classic ever so well-known Chi Kit Teck Aun pill brought all the way from Malaysia just to see if it works. Another friend who suggests that ginger tea (or just ginger drink, really) would help. I took them all. I mean, I really took them all!

On a more positive note, I get to lay down for three days not feeling guilty about not studying whatnot and truly rest. No that's not quite true. I am worried about my revision especially when I'm planning to go somewhere nice this weekend and Adam will be here pretty soon and.. (I thought this should be a positive note?)

Okay back to to being positive, I finally get to finish Jodi Picoult's latest book The Storyteller yay! Bought it on Kindle and it's so good! Hence the quote above. Heh.

Above all, thank you for spending your precious minutes on this rambling - I am a baby when I'm sick. And please please, do pray for my health. Sakit kafarah dosa, true enough.

And pray for the flood victims in Pahang and Terengganu as well. The last thing I heard is Dungun is now flooding. And that's where I grew up, really.

Please be safe people, be safe!

OCD.

The other day my mom said this,

"I know how you work. Once you built a wall it's almost cannot be broken."

-- referring to my very strong preference/liking. My heart (my heart, not me) has an issue of letting things pass - from the simplest thing like: 

1. A very messy house and I'll keep on whining making a huge fuss out of it even if I no longer see it.

2. A pair of running shoes that doesn't match my gym bag.

To the more complicated things like:

1. Someone did something wrong to me once, I'll remember it forever. Yes, for-e-ver.

2. The dish sponge is not placed in the right way (or rather, my way) Fine la this one not so complicated.

Horrible I know. The other day someone asked why am I such a pink freak, considering almost everything I own is in pink - even my room is in shades of pink! I AM NOT A PINK FREAK. Just so happens that I own something in pink, I think it started with my black and pink Nike backpack, since then everything had to follow suit. And my room, well, I have this pink and purple carpet inherited by Kak Hana who's now safe and sound and successful in Malaysia as a doctor (Hi Kak Hana! *waves*). Since the carpet is already pinkish, I can't have a blue bed sheet can I? So the story of the pink stuff continues..

Why do you think my gadgets are all from Apple? MacBook, iPhone, iPad, iPod.. No it's not really the case of an Apple freak, I just want them to match! God knows how badly I want to get my hands on Samsung Note. But nooo I just can't bring myself to D:

Well if you feel this everything-has-to-match-attitude is annoying, imagine HOW I FEEL. There are times when I really feel like screaming to myself - ENOUGH WITH THE MATCHING OBSESSION I WANT TO BUY GREEN SHOES F--- OCD. Needless to say, nope I did not buy green shoes.

So recently I did an online OCD screening test, and guess what?

It's official - I MIGHT FREAKING HAVE OCD.

(Btw OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, just thought I'd say that)

Not fun.

Example questions (so that you can pass the OCD exam heheh)

1. Do you worry about accidentally hitting a pedestrian with your car or letting it roll down the hill?

Heck I don't drive that much, but when I do, I always have this idea of hitting someone. When someone's driving (and that would usually be Adam), I will always, I mean always ask him to hit anything that crosses the road (people, dog, etc). Sometimes I would even scream like "Why don't you hit him/her/it??!?" HORRIBLE I KNOW.

2. Are you concerned about physically harming a loved one, pushing a stranger in front of a bus, steering your car into oncoming traffic; inappropriate sexual contact; or poisoning dinner guests?

The ones highlighted are the ones that I think most. Considering I don't drive that much, then the former one is more applicable to me. If you walk with me, you'll notice that I don't walk too near at the edge of the sidewalk, out of fear of PUSHING SOMEONE INTO THE LANE AND BEING RUN OVER BY A VEHICLE. The same happens when I'm waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green, that fear is always there, hence me standing a bit further from the road.

Now that I say it, I'm pretty sure no one wants to walk with me anymore. I'm a serial pusher (?) Tsk :(

OCD can be a lot of things. For example, I have a friend with a self-diagnosed OCD (that's what we are, self-diagnosed, really, HAHA) whose obsession is cheking and re-checking that everything is in place, the tap is tightly closed, the light switch is off, etc. Me, not so much. My OCD tends to sway towards matching colours and things to be arranged in my way, even the simplest thing like the room door must be shut at all times, the hangers have to be in certain arrangements, the window blinds must be shut downward etc.

It doesn't help that I have very strong preferences and little things bother me. For example, I almost cannot walk on the floor barefoot. Not just here in UK because of the cold, but since I can remember. Even at home back in PV8 - I need to wear slippers in the house. And unpleasant smell bothers me. A lot. Like Adam once used this one detergent with a smell incompatible with my nostrils (haha), I refused to wear my clothes washed in that detergent and ended up wearing his instead. That also explains why I don't let Adam fold my clothes because they have to be folded in my own way. Yes WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

When we first got married, I had a massive internal issue with having Adam in the same room with me. All the time. Adjusting was difficult. Things like, "Bags are not supposed to be placed here, it should be there" and "Can you please put the hairbrush back to where you found it, please?" HAHA. That was then. Now I must say I am super thankful for having him tsk tsk (terharu). Apparently Adam has his own way of arranging his stuff too, just that he isn't bothered if they're not. Unlike me, I'd go on full blown stress-mode if my brain rejects how things are.

Think we're in the same shoes? Check here.

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-info/do-i-have-ocd/

Here's to self-diagnosed OCD and pushing people in front of a bus! 

Okay. Tak.

How I define Friday night.

Remember how I said I tend to fall asleep in the middle of a movie here? Well I did it again. It's Friday night and I'm all eager for a solitary movie night (read: pathetic). I've watched two episodes How I Met Your Mother Season 9 earlier so I might as well watch another movie.

And to make things even more amusing, the movie is also Salt. Yes, talk about Angelina Jolie fan.

I caught the movie on TV CatchUp, an app on iPad that lets you watch TV for free. An iPad movie in bed? Yes please.

Only, yes, again, to fall asleep. Halfway through the movie.

Jolie in my bed

This time, though, I believe it's not my attention span of a goldfish. It's just my bedtime, and I am one little creature of habit, as cliche as it may seem. Staying awake past my bedtime is one thing that I really struggle with, although waking up later than usual is very much appreciated.

Last weekend was a hectic one. Spent my last four-day weekend by hopping on a plane to Belfast. And having said that, of course, we bought the next-day-flight as early as 6.45am. Came back last Tuesday, so technically I have only been here in Leicester four days at most, but my feet are already itching for another travelling plan. Imagine, one super hectic full of love weekend at one point, and a solitary Ben and Jerry's weekend at another. Hence the Angelina Jolie in my bed.

Speaking of, Tsara's here! And Adam has got his car so yaaay no more taxi trips back and forth to the airport! Except that, it is that car that we went for a McD drive thru one night with the housemates -- I am still deeply ashamed by it. My faith is easily shakened by food! Grr.

Meanwhile..

Pipi dah makin beso.

The three events.

A little update on current life, shall we?

I haven't been too well these past few days. Oh no, come to think of it, I think it has been going on for almost a month :O Nothing major, just some coughing, chest pain, general tiredness, fatigue, malaise, some muscle pain here and there every now and then, headache.. Erm what else?

Not sure if it's the sudden weather change, or the travelling, or perhaps Mylo coming home and changing the whole room environment? I can't really tell. Most of my weekends were packed anyway. To London, Sheffield, Cardiff, Belfast.. And finally home this weekend! At least before hitting USA next week anyway. Ahhh more travelling. Can't be any more excited about that -_-"

Speaking of USA, we found a new travelling partner! Or companion, rather, since us two are already partners heh. I'm not gonna reveal who she is at the moment, but apparently she's a random one too, which would make things more exciting! Except for our initial plan was actually to hijack her plan so that we don't need to plan (waa so many plans!) Now it won't work that way anymore since we do have to plan. And by that, I mean us three. Aiyaaa. Things get even funnier because all of us (I'm assuming she is, too) are random carefree people so planning isn't really our thing. But we reeeeeally have to get it done because she's leaving next week on 18th March already! Habislaa habislaaaahhh.

Oh btw if there's any of you reading this in the US, please please do let me know where to go what to do etc. Or if you've been to US, doesn't matter really. I'm kinda desperate now :3

Speaking of US too, I reeeeeally want to see Ara. Like reeeeally reaaaally do? It's sad that she's in Iowa, and her spring break started weeks earlier than ours. And we definitely won't be going to Iowa, for the distance is just too much! Tsk. There goes, bye Ara. Ohnooooooo.

Done with US. Here's something closer to home. I was in Belfast last week, for three things - 1. Adam 2. The Script concert 3. Belfast Malaysian Night. Number 1, the biggest event in my life. Number 2, oh yeah it was AWWWEEESOOOOMMEEEEEE (I honestly think this could be another contributing factor to my illness tssk). And number 3, well it was okay. Wait they deserve a bit more recognition there so yeah, the play was good, no, magnificient indeed. But I'm not a big fan of theatres and such, and there was no food, just some kuih! Alright call me bimbo for judging a Malaysian Night for its food, but noooo I looveee fooodd it's nothing personal just my own preference! And I did mention the play was excellent, did I? For a first timer, they did an amazing job, I must say. Though I still prefer food. Food. Food. What a true Malaysian I am lol. Or I could be bias, since last year Adam was the Director. But nooooo I'm very sure it's the FOOOOOOOOD.

But what I like most about this year's Malaysian Night was that we finally could act like normal people! Not really we, since I am apparently normal, but Adam.. Errr not too much? We chose to sit among the audiences, rather than with the VIPs. And Adam didn't have to go into the VIP room, yeay to that! Because I know once he's inside there, he wouldn't be able to escape, and that would mean leaving me alone outside ohnoooooo. To be fair, it wasn't really all normal for him though, since after the play he went to see the VIPs to say hi and stuff, and apparently some of them said this to me, "Oh yes, I heard Adam being married, finally, pleased to meet you." This happened right after I mentioned I'm actually from Leicester, so there goes, ohnoooooo again. The saddest part was, no one even bothered to ask my name, like hellooo I have a name? And not just Adam's wife or budak Leicester? Tskk. But there was this one Belfast guy (Lynn's friend) who greeted me and said, "Oh, I know you!" And when he saw me looking a bit awkward (I always am!), he quickly apologised, saying that it wasn't really a good introduction but yes, he does know me. Oh well at least I got to introduce myself afterward, uweee!

Told this to Ummi, Ummi said I might as well cherish the moment. There could be some point when we would have to live reeeeally normal so chill out for now, so yes, I'd like to thank Adam for taking me to meet people despite my awkwardness thank you love!

The Script-wise, I might post another entry for it. I think I've written toooooo long here there isn't space for pictures anymore. But because I'm so kind, here's one.

Danny and those eyes. Can die now.

Eid Mubarak.

From Cardiff and London, with love.

Out of place.

How can being at home in our own rooms occasionally Skyping each other exchanging random notes be more fun than going out with the wrong people and feel sooo out of place?

And better yet, listening to each other bursting into laughter across the room whenever we saw something funny online, mainly because we know what the joke is about.

This space is a bliss.

"One thing that I really love about Belfast is how I could be a stranger as much as I want, without the fear of being judged."

"What if you move there, will you still be a stranger? Or will you end up feeling out of place too?"

Whose dream youre living in?

“You can’t forever fight against the world.”

“Why not?”

“Because in the end you’ll get hurt.”

Finding Neverland - The Musical

Life.

So this one goes to someone who claims to have the same wavelength with me.

You see my friend, life is tough. It knocks us down, pins us to the very bottom of the hole, makes us feel like we're some weak creatures meant to be defeated. Yes life is like that.

But what do we do when we're down on our knees? Must we get up straightaway? No, we're already on our knees, hurt, broken. Hence we pray. We pray our best that Allah will give us the strength to get through the pain. We pray that this test will subside. Slowly but surely. We take time to heal. What's the point of returning to a battle field with broken spirit anyway?

Only then we get back up. Chin up. Stand tall and walk with pride.

They say it's not falling into the sea that drowns you, it's staying in it.

Therefore my friend, take all the time you need, for one day you'll realise this is just another game that life has to offer, that there are more games waiting ahead.

And just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, apparently they can. But the good news is, the same applies to good things too. The best day of our lives are often more than once, remember?

We tell each other to cherish every moment of happiness, mainly because we know they won't last. So why don't we treat challenging moments the same?

Cherish it. Because things happened. You can choose to find someone or something to blame, but what good does it do?

Grieve all you want, be sad, shut yourself down, detach from the world, cry, even.

For in that grievance you'll see how tough you can be.

Because you see, survival is the strongest instinct that we, as humans, have. Realise it or not, we strive to survive every single day.

And yes, life will beat you up, people will turn you down, but in the end, it's you and Allah that matter.

University of Lepak.

Yes I know it's Tuesday morning I ought to be getting ready for class but heck, who cares. Membebel to myself sounds waaaay more interesting than poking digging some dead stranger's butt in the cold underground room smells of death.

And of course, I have to edit some stuff from Nusantara Week booth yesterday but sorting, compressing editing some 300-ish pictures isn't really what I have in mind now. Oh, I've been meaning to share the grandeur of Malaysia & You Belfast Gala too, but that too, as usual, can wait.

Because now, I want to membebel about my uni, my very own beloved university, University of Leicester. If that doesn't sound impressive enough, add the word England, United Kingdom at the back. Hell-oooo, who doesn't love UK, you tell me?

Last night Adam called (as usual bugging my beauty sleep which he is more than welcome to do so) for some usual of non importance stuff. Like how my Internet is still lagging like siput sedut (sucking snail?) etc. Then he asked the most obvious question, "Esok kelas pukul berapa." Following my answer, which is almost obviously everyday at 1pm, he went like, "Leicester study lepak kan?"

GAAAHHHH. DAANGGGG. Shoooot. BRRRRR. Heheuhueuoheuihehii.

Which reminded me to the time when we were eating kueyteow kung fu ramai ramai with some seniors at rumah Intan. We were talking merepek buat kerepek on what brought us to Leicester.

Not surprisingly, one of us was successfully drugged by Kak Dina (a final year Medic now, aka my housemate, Hi Kak Dina lol) saying how studying in Leicester so lepak. Class at 9am-1pm and off you go. No essays, no assignments, N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Well meeting patients is of course, part of it, kata nak jadi dokter haruslah bermanis muka bersenyum mesra jumpa patient, ye dak? But that is like, 5-6 times in 2 semesters? Did you hear me? 5-6 kali je pegi hospital jumpa patient wa cakap lu. 5-6 kali ikut syarat, sometimes it's just 4-5 times. And additional seminars/class/lecture in the afternoon is so rare, you get that like, twice or thrice a month, more often less.

Memang lepak tahap moksha der.

But the thing about being lepak tahap moksha, you become lonely. Yes, lonely and depressed. And there isn't that many Malaysians here, most are doing Medics, which is another reason for loneliness since we're all so kiasu one. *sniff  Evryone's at home, studying like mad (at least that's what I think) If not Medics, they'd be doing Maths from KPM scholar, and some lucky enough from Bank Negara scholars. Tadaa. That's it. Very few private students who I often find very cool because they do courses out of the norm like, cool gila weh aku datang buat Medic je, typical stereotype sungguh. And almost none Engineering students yang berfungsi untuk memeriahkan suasana most of times because that's how I know Engine people, fun and crazy and more often than not, annoying. LOL!

And by that, it's pretty obvious that we don't have that much of Malaysian events, gathering and stuff. And we don't have that many postgrads with cars that we can tumpang HAHAHAHA wtf! Really. Leicester is like, so homey so kampung everyone seems so happy and contented no real shit going on we are just like a small happy family living in the sub-urb area an hour train from London.

NOT.

Now back to the lepak stuff, yes, we do lepak most of the time. And whine on how much work we have to do since we have our own handbook yadda yadda bla bla. But HA-HA, all talks and no work (epitome of Bella). Hoi uni lain assignment every week kena submit, kau tau?

But then again, our exam is formatted in by far the most horrible meanest way. We don't have specific papers, like Anatomy, Physiology, Neurology, bla bla. NOOOOOOO. We have two papers, Paper I and Paper II at the end of every semester and every single thing you learnt that semester and from previous semesters is chucked in them. There you go. EAT THAT. Imagine, one semester got 5 modules, add up to previous semester, that's 10 already. That is only for first years. Mix 10 modules in two papers of one hour forty minute each, and you'll get a nice combination of anxiety, nervouseness, palpitation and constant worrying (without much work done lol). And all that is gained even 5 months before the actual exam is, provided you have the lunacy to think of exams when it's winter break la.

Ahhh. Allah Maha Adil kan? Those universities with whole load of coursework and stuff, the exam wouldn't be as mean as ours. But us, who got time to lepak most of the time, the exam so horrible you feel like strangling yourself from the ceiling or drowning in the bath tub just thinking of the exam.

JANGAN MENYERAH.

Here's a little something to show how lepak (and awesome) we are here in Leicester.

New recipe from Abil..

iPad cream cheese tart.

Gearing up.

At 3 am, I'm still awake. Wide awake.

Funny how one year really changed me into somewhat a survivor up for any challenges and at the same time, a coward who refuses changes.

I'm scared. Each time I picture myself leaving this place and starting over at a new place, with new people, meeting unfamiliar faces, I'm all freaked out. Scared. Creepy.

What happened merely a year ago really knocked me down. It hit me hard. I might seem okay all those while but no, I wasn't.

Now when people ask me how things are going, I would just shove it off. No I'm not excited. My MARA agreement has been there on the table for almost a month by now. And I haven't made any serious attempts to get my medical checkup done. The most dreaded question - Bila fly?

Once, I dreaded that question because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to in the nearest time. Uncertainties. Expectations, hopes, and finally, disappointments.

Now, I dread the question simply because I honestly dread the idea of taking off. Man how freaked out I am, for some unknown reasons!

You can say I'm being ungrateful and mengada3 and bajet cool dah dapat fly lepas tu gelabah taknak walhal dulu nangis3 takleh fly.

I'm afraid of the changes, I'm afraid of being lonely. I'm scared that I would feel out of place once I'm there. I'm scared to leave my comfort zone here.

I honestly feel that no one would expect this coming out from me a year ago. I know I seem confident, outgoing, and the campaklah-kat-mana-pun-inshaAllah-hidup type. But deep inside, I'm just a girl trying to make the best of whatever I have, and once I have it, it's very hard for me to let it go and start over.

May Allah guide me through this path. And may this be the right choice for me.

(entry sedapkan hati nak pergi settlekan agreement MARA esok)

You don't need water to know you're drowning, do you?

 /source/

Here's the thing.

I've always wanted to do Law instead of Medicine. 

 And I'm still thinking of doing it. If only abandoning something is that easy for me..