At 3 am, I'm still awake. Wide awake.
Funny how one year really changed me into somewhat a survivor up for any challenges and at the same time, a coward who refuses changes.
I'm scared. Each time I picture myself leaving this place and starting over at a new place, with new people, meeting unfamiliar faces, I'm all freaked out. Scared. Creepy.
What happened merely a year ago really knocked me down. It hit me hard. I might seem okay all those while but no, I wasn't.
Now when people ask me how things are going, I would just shove it off. No I'm not excited. My MARA agreement has been there on the table for almost a month by now. And I haven't made any serious attempts to get my medical checkup done. The most dreaded question - Bila fly?
Once, I dreaded that question because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to in the nearest time. Uncertainties. Expectations, hopes, and finally, disappointments.
Now, I dread the question simply because I honestly dread the idea of taking off. Man how freaked out I am, for some unknown reasons!
You can say I'm being ungrateful and mengada3 and bajet cool dah dapat fly lepas tu gelabah taknak walhal dulu nangis3 takleh fly.
I'm afraid of the changes, I'm afraid of being lonely. I'm scared that I would feel out of place once I'm there. I'm scared to leave my comfort zone here.
I honestly feel that no one would expect this coming out from me a year ago. I know I seem confident, outgoing, and the campaklah-kat-mana-pun-inshaAllah-hidup type. But deep inside, I'm just a girl trying to make the best of whatever I have, and once I have it, it's very hard for me to let it go and start over.
May Allah guide me through this path. And may this be the right choice for me.
(entry sedapkan hati nak pergi settlekan agreement MARA esok)