Saturday, January 29, 2011

Will UK be as good as what I am having here?

The other day I went back to KMB. Not sure why, but I love coming back to KMB. The stares were disturbing, as if wondering, "What is this girl doing here?", and sometimes the teachers just blurted this out "What brings you here Bella?". I would be more than happy to answer that I am still here in Malaysia, continuing my bits of life, with my friends abroad.

But being teachers, they always gave me a funny look when I said "It's good to be here". It's like "Dulu nak keluar sangat KMB, sekarang hah, rindu lah sangat". HAHAHAH really. It's soooo goooood to be back at KMB, looking at all those familiar faces -- the teachers. Sometimes I wonder what is it about KMB that I love soooo much. Then it came to me, I was never away from family since I was a kid. I studied in boarding school for five years, but my parents would come and visit every weekend, and we had maids back then, so my maids did all the laundry, ironing, cooking, everything. The only chores I had to do myself would be washing and ironing my school uniform since it's on a daily basis use.

Then suddenly at the age of 18, I was thrown into a super rural area of Bukit Changgang, where all the best palm oils can be found. I still remember on our way, I resented, because it's so rural I couldn't understand why there should be an IB World School in the midst of those palm oil trees. I slept the whole journey because I thought the scenery was so frustrating, not to mention the smell. Then there was the Dewan Selera full of lalats which was seasonal, and the lalats were so smart enough to come during the first registration day of Year One. It also rained heavily in the morning, while we were busy loading stuff from car boots to the hostel. And I finally broke down when I saw the hostel room - Damn it was so effing small! I couldn't take this, I wasn't even sure I would last a year there.

I was wrong. I keep coming back to KMB. To see those padang I miss, to see the pavilion where I used to lepak watching the games, to the mini outdoor gym (lah sangat) where I used to spend my evenings with Nabilah staring at the sky after having our dinner, to the KFC where I used to order Mee Kungfu with cili potong from the abang3s, to the bilik dobi picking up the fresh warm smell of just-done laundry, to the koop  where we used to buy ice-creams before usrah and eat them under the hot scorching sun even it was under the wakaf shade, to the DS where all the makciks know that I want thigh for my chicken, to the LRC where I spent my nights before IB exam with my IRP group mate doing maths and gossiping, to the staff room where I  would menggediks with the teachers, to the lab where my group would always marah me for not being precise  with the measurements, to the hostel room which was so small but the katil can fit all four of us (Nabilah, Echuq, Pija and me) when we were guling3-ing, to the buai and benches at Laman Blok E where we would lepak for breaking our fast, to the Bilik TV where those people were eager to watch Adamaya or Nur Kasih, to the Lorong Midaq where me and Adam would stroll slowly carrying our bakul dobi while eating ice creams and counting stars that were not even there, to the mosque where Farzan would give us reminders on our ukhwah after every Solat Hajat before IB exam, every place seems to have its significance.

I was never away from the family, until I started college and separated by 6 hours drive from home. If that wasn't horrible enough, shortly after starting my college years, my family moved abroad, leaving me with 3-hour flight distance, and no phone connection. Our only mean of communication would be email, and that was my very first time away from family. During school holidays, I would merempat at some of relatives' places, which sometimes was slightly more fun than staying at KMB. But KMB is the place I called home. I remember after 2-week Raya Break in Semester 3, I came back to KMB early while everyone else was still busy celebrating Raya. Our family had Raya abroad, and once I came back, I headed straight back to KMB from KLIA. That's how 'HOME' KMB was to me.

To be fair, KMB was not all butterflies and rainbows and roses. I flunked my Maths, got the lowest mark for Chemistry, nearly slipped for English, had 4 for Malay because terpesong, not understanding a single thing of Business and Management, confused between the chambers of the heart in Biology, all that happened at KMB.

And I wasn't exactly the all-As student. I was very much an average one. I copied lab reports, didn't do my homework, skipped class with the lamest excuse - period pain, skipped assemblies and ceramahs, fly outing using fake passes of different colors, everything I could.

And I had my worst imagination of how mean people could be came true. Gossips, backstabs, hypocrites, all right before my eyes.

But that wasn't fair compared to the nice people I met.

Izleen who actually taught me things when she thought she was learning from me.

KN who I thought REALLY my twin brother if not because of the different fathers' name.

Nabilah, Echuq, Pija who taught me that I need not have bitches to have my girlfriends complete.

Ridhu who taught me to care about those who care about me.

Zayana who taught me that humans can be very forgiving, and accepts me back even when I made mistakes.

Ciah who taught to come back to the right path whenever I was tersasar.

Shahir, Mau, Ejat, Nadzrul, Naqi, Miji and all their crews who taught me the true meaning of brotherhood.

The Fishes, who taught me that different heads with different backgrounds can still be one.

Teacher Ima, who taught me a huge lesson on keeping faith and strong will.

Miss Oja, who taught me to be compromising in a relationship.

Miss Yati, who taught me all the ideologies of TOK in real life.

Miss Naz, who taught me to continue what you started. No one knows the ending yet, but just continue.

And there's this one name that I would really want to mention, but I just can't. She still means something, although I bet she doesn't know..

There are more, but the list will get too long and it gets boring. I bet those people already know how close they are to my heart.

The biggest nightmare

Publish Post
The full moon, as seen from Midaq

But best of all, I met My Adam - which truly explains everything why KMB. (Well, if not everything, perhaps most of it)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

He loves me, he loves me not. F it. I love him. So?

Yesterday during lunch, my two colleagues were arguing if I should have a boyfriend at my age now.

“She’s too young, she hasn’t even seen half of the world yet, why limit herself to one?”

“Okay what? It’s not like his boyfriend is some drug dealer high school dropper or what, what’s wrong with having a boyfriend?”

Then I remember once a friend told me that I am like Summer, in 500 Days of Summer.

Yes, I always tell people that I find the phrase ‘Happily ever after’ disturbing. I used to tell my girlfriends that no matter how much they love their boyfriends, spare more of that love for themselves. And one of them actually replied back, “So kau pun macam tu lah?” (referring to my own relationship)

Huyoh, speechless jugak lah time tu. Yela, I think the whole world (those in my world okay) knows how much I was in love. To the extent my Biology teacher asked, “Bella, are you in love?”

Despite my huge visible obvious love, I still believe that one should not stay in a relationship if they don’t feel like it. You can take all the pain and heartbreaks because you love someone, but even the biggest most expensive multi-billion dollar mansion cannot make up of a tiny mistake once the love is gone.

Okay, I’m exaggerating. Money DOES buy happiness, and that includes love. Although fake ones.

Recently one of my friends got back together with her ex (they have been on a superduperuber platonic relationship I’m not even sure if he’s an EX). Then another friend is having a secret love affair with this girl whom he has been adoring since past few years, and now it’s mutual, only it happens that the girl already have a boyfriend.

So that makes two of them – in a relationship, legal or not, lain kira.

Love freaks me out. I can either stand tall on my own, or fall endlessly with someone I love.

And there is always ‘What ifs’. What if he doesn’t love me back? What if he doesn’t love me the way I love him? What if I find someone better? What if HE DOES? OMG.

Then there’s this word FOREVER.

I love the word FOREVER. It sounds like, you know, FOREVER. It makes you believe that there is such thing as FOREVER – something that will keep on going, endless, eternity. Oh, I also love the word ETERNITY by the way.

I love you FOREVER
But FOREVER is over

Only that I feel FOREVER is so abused. We all die one day. So what’s with FOREVER? How can you love someone forever when you yourself are not going to last anyway? Minus the afterlife, I see forever as something vague.

I love you forever.
Friendship forever.
Whatever-there-is forever.

It’s like, how do you know if someone is THE ONE? That they will be FOREVER with you. That you don’t find the OTHER one. That you won’t one day just bumped into ANOTHER ‘the one’. For now, they might be The One. Then come some other ONE. Truth is, they are just The NEXT One.

And that’s why FIRST LOVE is so overrated. Because there will be the second, third, fourth, and the list goes on. So FIRST LOVE is actually just a pioneer, a starter. Of course, it DOES mean something, because it’s actually the very first time you found yourself in love. And so? There’s next, and next, and.. Lucky to those who found their first love and marry them. Then they can have their first and last and only love.

But then again, marriage itself doesn’t bring you any closer to FOREVER. Well, if you get what I mean.

So fall in love, savor the feelings, enjoy the butterflies in the stomach, shed the tears.
They might not be your FOREVER, neither THE ONE, but they might worth every second of it.

Because no one lives FOREVER.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'm not gonna lie - it's not gonna be easy without you.

As much as I don't lie about that, I'm not gonna lie about this one too.

It's not like I'm gonna die without you.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Unhealthy addiction of Fossil will burn a hole in your best friend's pocket.

Bella, aku balik Malaysia this summer kau nak pape tak from Ireland? Boleh tengok3 terus.

Aku nak handbag Fossil sebijik!

Tapi an Bella, sepanjang aku kat sini, tak pernah sekali pun aku nampak outlet Fossil. Takpe nanti aku try tengok lagi, tak pun kat UK, ade kot.

Alaaaaaaaaaaaa. Kau takyah balik ar camtu. Duk sane diam3.

Okay3, kalau tak, bile aku balik Malaysia kita usha Fossil same3, carikan handbag untuk kau. Birthday present. Okay?

@. @ <--- *mata berkaca3*


Excited bagai tunggu June. February pun boleh ;)

Monday, January 17, 2011

He's never far away.

It's mid January. As much as I'm foreseeing awesome things in 2011, January is the critical month I wish would past quickly. 

TOK, IB Diploma, Placement, Universities.. They can all be basi for most of my college-mates in my batch, but for some, like me, they are still fresh. Sizzling hot. 
Terbaik Dari Ladang. (Iklan M08A)

When I went for Umrah last year, I remember this one prayer very well. Honestly I'm not a fan of reciting something without knowing the meaning, (which explains why I can’t really appreciate Korean and Japanese songs) so I read every possible meaning of the prayers in the Panduan Mengerjakan Umrah booklet provided. Whenever I recited the prayer in Arabic, I would also read the translation. And there was a verse from the prayer read while doing the fourth Tawaf.

“Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, jadikanlah diriku puas hati dengan pemberian yang Engkau kurniakan kepadaku, berkatkanlah apa yang Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku dan gantilah apa yang hilang dariku dengan apa yang baik dari-Mu.

I got my N for TOK when I was doing my Umrah, in Makkah. God knows how heartbroken I was. I cried like, non-stop. I cried while praying. I cried when I was reciting The Holy Quran. I cried in front of Kaabah. I cried while kissing the Hajarul Aswad. I cried while doing the Tawaf. I cried while Saie going back and forth between Safa and Marwah. I even cried when we went on visits to the Muzdalifah, Mina and some other sacred places in that holy land. I cried a zillion times.

To one point I pondered why actually I cried --- was it because I was really insaf and regretting the sins I committed in the past,

Or was I just devastated by the whole N thing?

I felt really ashamed of myself. I came here to perform Umrah, to beribadah, to seek for His forgiveness, to bring myself closer to Him, to actually see The Kaabah with my own eyes, and see His Mightiness. MasyaAllah.

Yet I cried because of some duniawi thing that wasn’t even mine in the first place.

According to Jack Canfield, the word rejection is often misused. I was never a student at University of Leicester. When they cancelled the offer it didn't mean that they were expelling me from the school. I was never even accepted!

Well, of course, technically, the offer letter and Unconditional status from UCAS could be the reasons for me to bloom sky high, but it’s not like I have packed my things and booked the flight ticket. Let alone an agreement with MARA - which technically meant I couldn't even afford to study there. No money what? -.-"

And looking back, I should be superglad and thankful that I’m given the second chance.
Which brings me to this one verse from the prayer while doing the second round of Saie.

“Sesungguhnya Engkau telah berfirman dalam kitab-Mu Al-Quran yang diturunkan yang bermaksud “pohonlah kepada-Ku, Aku akan tunaikan permintaanmu”, maka inilah kami bermohon kepada-Mu wahai Tuhan kami maka ampunilah kami seperti mana yang telah Engkau perintahkan kami sesungguhnya Engkau tidak pernah memungkirkan janji.”

Never stop praying. Isn't it our best weapon?

Friday, January 14, 2011

Not so much of the super cute Korean look, neither the beat.

I just love the lyrics.


It wasn't supposed to be love
It was never supposed to be
I fooled myself many times before, but my heart keeps on calling you
Before i tried to run away
I tried to push a step away
But even then you were growing bigger inside me

I must love you this much
I must wait for you this much
No matter how much it hurts, my heart can't leave you
There must be one love
My heart won't change
The love I protected for you, now I can tell you everything

Your warm eye expression
Your warm love
You are growing bigger inside me

You must have loved me
You must have waited for me
No matter how much I made you hurt, your heart can't leave me

There must be one love
My heart won't change
The love I protected for you, now I can tell you everything
I love you

Sometimes love, or tears will cause problems for us
I love you, I love you I just need you next to me

I must still love you
I must be waiting for you
I could fool my mind, but not my heart

There must be one love
My heart won't change
The love I protected for you, now I can tell you everything
I love you


Jiwang much, I know. But it's so true that it makes me go speechless :O 


Ha, kan dah buat public statement kat sini. 
(orang sibuk nak exam, dia sibuk suruh balik - sengal)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

If the heart were your Facebook, what would the status be?

It was a rainy evening and we were at the café – KFC to be exact (come to think of it how can a small café like that be a Food Court ? But never mind, they still had the best Mee Kung Fu ever). Since it was raining, some of us were lazing around waiting for the food to be served/tapau balik. There were a bunch of girls behind me who seemed in a rush.

Miss X : Weh cepat3, dah nak start!

Miss Y : Lek ah. Tengok sini pun boleh pe?
Miss Z : Tamo ah. Tak feel. Hujan, basah. Bilik TV jum!

When I went back to Blok E, passing through the Bilik TV, I saw those girls inside. Buat3 sibuk sikit, I went in to see what was it they were watching – the room was so packed!

Oh, Adamaya last episode -.-“

On some other days, I heard someone shouting from the other wing of the block.
“Weh aku dah dapat download latest Episode XX!”
“Aaaaa nak copyyyyy!”
“Bawak external kau datang bilik aku jom!”

Oh, Vampire Diaries Season 1 latest episode -.-“

In the class, M08A, the boys were sitting in a circle.

Mr. A   : Pergh game semalam macam ***. Memang *** lah. Cuak dow.
Mr. K   : Tau takpe. Aku kena pawn banyak kali kot. *** gile.
Mr. M  : Aku nampak gak. Kesian gile kau. Tapi [insert-name-here] cam noob habis ah.

Oh, DotA tournament last night -.-“

Sound familiar, no?

To be really honest, I envy these people. They have something they are passionate about. I watch Vampire Diaries too, but up til now I only have til Season 2 Episode 11. Itu pun amek dgn orang. Kalau orang tak bagi, harapan lah nak download sendiri. No, I never watched Adamaya nor do I play DotA. But there was one time I watched Nur Kasih half way, lepas tu malas nak follow dah sebab malas nak tercangak depan TV tunggu cerita start kat Bilik TV Blok E. Then now they have Tiramisu (ek?). I couldn’t care less. Sebab tu orang selalu cakap Bella bosan. Honestly, I really am.

Then there’s Korean thing. In my room there’s a whole rack of Korean DVDs – owned by my sister. Every time she comes back from her boarding school, she would download new videos, search for pictures, drool over them. And my brother would be locked in his room watching How I Met Your Mother or whatever series he has in his external drive. Me? I stalk blogs and Tumblr. It’s not like I don’t have movies in my laptop, I do. There’s 90210, 3 Seasons of Gossip Girls, Glee, and like tons of movies and Korean dramas. But I never watched any!

I feel pathetic. Sometimes I wonder if this is normal – not having anything to be passionate of. Macam takde matlamat hidup. (gila exaggerate) -.-“

Suggest me something to crave, boleh tak? Something worth dying for.

Like this one. Click for larger preview.

(WARNING: Tak gelak, serius tak normal.) 

Curik kat sini.

Btw, I didn't even watch AJL.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Independence doesn't come free; sometimes it comes with an extremely high price - Pride (and Prejudice).

Everyone loves choices. The sentence “I have no choice” often comes with a sigh. Or it’s a strong one, indicating frustration – “But I have no choice!” Sobsobs. *Face turns red, cheek flustered, huge fat tears flowing*

Okay I’m digressing.

A typical normal average UK bound student gets to choose four universities. Often choices are made based on learning style – PBL or Integrated, geographical factor, subjects requirements and undeniably influenced by those people around them.

And perhaps by the level of difficulty and massiveness of assignments the university is well known of.

So I had my time – Newcastle University , University of Leicester , Cardiff University and Queen’s University of Belfast .

I chose Newcastle basically because of the subjects’ requirements – 38 with bonus points, with 6 in Biology and Chemistry HL. Takde Maths, bahagia lah. Leicester .. I’m not sure why myself. With at least 6 for ALL subjects, what did I have in mind when I chose Leicester? *sigh* Cardiff due to its lower requirements of 18 for HL subjects (back then I thought I could at least nail Bio or Chem if I landed with 5 for Maths. And Belfast , obviously, for the “No Interview” reason. Only that later I found out they DO have it, and man, it was tough!

My application to Newcastle was unsuccessful – without even an interview. Frustrated, because it was actually my first choice. Then I managed to secure all three Conditional Offers from LeicesterBelfast and Cardiff .

I personally like the lady form Leicester , and I think it’s mutual. (I guess it’s mainly because she’s from admin, and she didn’t ask much of medical stuff)
Being the last candidate to be interviewed for Belfast , I had a really tough time. It seemed like they were trying to squeeze everything out of me. And I hate the questions!
Sorry, I vaguely remember the interview with Cardiff .

Having to decline an offer from one of the universities, that was when I realized sometimes choices are not always necessary.

Because I often think too much. I create my own scene in my head. The worst scene that could happen. And prior to that, I believe I made the not-so-right choice. 

I was spoilt by choices, and now I’m paying for it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Her life still revolves around the same people. (Part II)

SMKA Kuala Abang's products (yang memang takde rupa sekolah agama pun)
From left: Keri, Nazrin, Bella, Pya, Neny, Zepah
The last person to finish his food

Neny 'kiput' oh.
Neny and her twin, Zepah - they share the same birthday!
Cubaan macho yang fail -.-"
UIA tour hosted by Nazrin

Semua pun excited masuk UIA -.-"
Yang paling jakun of course baju putih kat belakang tu. Maklumlah, tak pernah belajar kat U.

Our tour guide, Nazrin --- my childhood playmate cum classmate straight since Standard 2 til early Form 4. And now becoming my driver lol xx.

First time jejak kaki kat UIA despite rumah seringgit je naik bas dari UIA tu. Orientation day memang sangat memenatkan, tapi seronok tak ingat. Jumpa kawan3 baru, kawan3 lama, semua pun ada. Rasa macam nak buat statement --- Saya budak medic UIA >.<"

Facts: Me, Neny, and Pya were in the same 'gang' back at school. After I left the school, often people recognize me as a member of 'Geng Neny'. Even the new Form 4 there who have never met me would refer me as that. Back then we were really 'powerful', macam taiko jugak lah. Semua pun tau geng kitorang - dengan cikgu3 sekali. (obviously not for the good reasons) Me and Pya have been partnerbed since Form 1 til Form 3. Our beds were double-decker, so she took katil bawah while me katil atas, mainly because I don't like to sepah3kan katil sendiri, instead I lepak at hers, that's why her katil selalu tunggang langgang - my kerja la tu. Others in the group would be Nisa, Ruby, Syira, Ceku, Yasmin, Aliya, Farah, Shara, Fa, Mc Chaz (glamour kau). There are all thirteen of us, and sometimes they refer to us as Geng 13 (macam serial killer pulak dah). Our principle was simple -- you hurt one of us, you face ALL of us. Our biggest enemies were of course, BOYS. (weh masa tu tak matured lagi LOL) After Form 4, many of us left, and Neny and Pya were among those who remained.

In the end, it's not the words from your enemies that you remember, it's the silence of your friends.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Her life still revolves around the same people. (Part I)

Date : January 8th, 2011 aka BIG Day
Venue : Berjaya Times Square
Participants: Neny, Pya, (me schoolmates, Pya has been my partner bed for three years since Form 1) && Dayah

Had a wonderful time being cliche. Girls day out - movie, food, shopping, camwhoring. Quite a funny feeling being called NabilaH (yes, Nabila with a H) after a long time of being Bella. Pockets were burnt. Money spent like water. Overall - priceless.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they truly care; or they are just being curious.

There are only two possibilities – either they never learn, or they simply have a huge tremendous enormous gigantic spirit of NEVER GIVE UP. How I wish I could believe it’s the latter, but I just can’t.

Their determination annoys me. I’m not trying to be a snob here, but I really don’t need some random people adding me on social networking sites for whatever reasons. When I still had my FB, I didn’t add people much; I removed them, A LOT. Shouldn’t that mean something already? There must be reasons why I am (almost forever) invisible on Skype, why I haven’t reactivated my FB, why I don’t appear on YM. And to those who know me personally in real life, I’m sorry that I don’t return calls, I don’t reply text messages, (or if I reply hours/days later). It’s not my obligation to justify, so I won’t.

So please, if you happen to be one of them and you are reading this, please. I’m not so much of a social person (though I think I was hell of one), if you have nothing much to say, which I know you don’t, just leave me alone. 

Does not knowing hurt so much?

Because honestly, I'm so used to the silent treatment it doesn't work on me anymore.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I secretly wish Blogger could really listen.

And Tumblr could really say the right words to put my heart at ease.

And Google could actually give me the answers that I am looking for.

Because Skype doesn't seem to care anymore.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Y U No Speak Terengganu?

Feels a bit nostalgic today. Sent Afiq to his school in Shah Alam this afternoon, then Syahirah's to hers later in the evening. Afiq is in Form One (without UPSR qualification), while Syahirah will be having her SPM (after missing her PMR) this year. Apparently our family is not so pro-government that we choose to skip major exams long before they came out with the idea of abolishing them lol.

Afiq's last moments

Familiar much, no?

He's the tallest among us three. Sedih tak? T.T
Makan3 at Syahirah's school - hantar students balik asrama dapat makan, macam kenduri kau nyah!

I remember my very first day being a Form 1 at SMKA Kuala Abang, Terengganu. As my parents left, I was immediately interviewed by the seniors. Nama apa, rumah kat mana, ADA ABANG TAK =.="

And as expected, my biggest problem was to speak their language. Back then I couldn't speak Terengganu so fluently (sekarang dah siap boleh ajar orang lagi kau), so I just spoke in what I was comfortable in, the language we speak at home. Standard Malay. Orang KL lah konon.

And that, also, turned out as a huge problem for them. They couldn't comprehend why I couldn't speak Terengganu when I have been living there for years. And the fact that my brother could (yes, we were in the same school) made it even worse.

Ceh bajet budak KL lah, poyo habis tak nak cakap Terengganu. I felt intimidated. Language barrier was really annoying. I couldn't really click with the students there just because I wasn't in the league.

So I learnt. yes, I literally learnt. I asked word by word. Anything that I didn't understand, I just voiced them out.

Sampai sekarang, pergh, cakap Terengganu macam air.

Except that I still can't speak Terengganu to strangers. I had the same problem initially at SMS Dungun in Form 4. I just couldn't speak Terengganu if I am not used to that person!

Tanya Nabilah, Echuq, Pija. Nadzrul pun boleh.

Kalau cakap slang Terengganu && Kelantan dengan Bella, mesti dia reply KL, walhal faham je orang cakap apa.

I feel so NOOB in that sense.

Ekspresi Noob.