clouds of time seem to rain on innocence left behind.

truth hurts. no, it kills.

yesterday wasn't really a great day, after all. i couldn't get my math revision paper done, and chemistry was just a crap. whole lot of crap.

"nabilah, cakap taknak balik sebab nak study. apa ni??"

my mind was driven away by thoughts. and thoughts. and thoughts..

of HOME.

and last night, i did nothing but spent the night curling up in a ball in bed. do nothing. too lazy too move. too heartbroken to do anything.

i didn't even throw a birthday hug to my dearest friend next door.

"sorry nabilah, aku koyak:("

[apparently we have the same name]

it was my sister's birthday. a cousin called asking if i'm coming home for raya. my nenek is going to do a kenduri arwah for my greatgrandma. she's expecting everyone to be there. or at least a wakil from our family - which can only mean either me or my brother.

and i'm still HERE.

sy sangat homesick. yes, i thought i'm already prepared for this. well, my family has been away for almost a year by now..

but still, it's unbearable.

watching people leave, waving goodbye, hugs and kisses and raya wishes are just nonsense.

now i wonder why i chose to stay back, not following my uncle back to kelantan where there are good food, perfect scene of banjir, and most important - A FAMILY.

spent the whole morning downloading songs. received a good news to heal the heart.

but it didn't last long.

it's amazing how facebook has its own way to hurt people.

i wish i hadn't opened your profile.

i wish the conversation between me and my room mate this morning never happened.

i wish i didn't write on your wall.

i wish we never talked about this.

cuz a friend is hurt. by the bitter unnecessary truth.

and i'm torn in between.

"can you stay strong

can you go on

Kristy are you doing okay

a rose that wont bloom

winters kept you

don't waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away."

the offsprings; kristy are you doing okay

TAKNAK BALIK SEBAB NAK STUDY.bullshit.at least for me:(

first cut is the deepest.

yes, IB sucks. it drains your energy, makes you feel as if 24 hours will never be enough. too many things to do, too little time. the academics, the non-academics, the gossips, the talks, the outside fun you'd miss, EVERYTHING. but i have given it a second thought. no, IB isn't that bad. at least not in the 1st semester. somehow i still have a vivid photographic (or videographic?) memory of these people, on how we 1st met, or encounter, or even the most significant event on our earlier days at KMB. (back then life was surprisingly organized, minus the small E21* room i have to bear with until now)

1. pija aka roommate

• we 1st met during the MARA interview at unikl, ours was on thursday, sometime in the afternoon, i guess. i think she was wearing orange. and her bubbliness was the first thing that caught my eyes (and ears, of course). we were interviewed by the same panel, she went 1st before me. before we went off our separate ways after the interview, we were joking about starbucks and blah blah. never in touch after that. but tadaaa!! she's my roomate today. cute:)
• most significant -- she was one super duper cute adorable bubbly girl that made me feel like (aaa???) in her own way.

2. nabilah and echuq (neighbours)

• 1st week at KMB. orientation week. kembara kolej or whatever you call it. led by fathul. we were in the same group. (those who couldn't actually remember which group they were in because they lost their group number, i was one of them, OBVIOUSLY) had some chat at the walkway heading to DS, and found out that we were actually living next door to each other!
• most significant -- they both said that i look like sharifah amani (haha:DD)

3. AD aka classmate

• the third floor, near M08C (sem 1 class) when everyone was busy doing the so-called gotong royong. had a good time laughing our hearts out (when we barely knew each other). share the same thing in common- we both have been living in terengganu, but parents come from different places, and we ourselves were born in different states.
• most significant -- her warm big heartily laugh and smile. she captures everyone with that.

4. DJ aka classmate

• in the hall, during ceramah. (back then, year 1 had to listen to the ceramah in the main hall). saw her using HK notebook. asked if she went to 2007 HK in SMS kota tinggi, and her answer was yes. surprisingly, she remembers me as a girl from SMSD, asking her if she knew anyone from SSP (on behalf of sir jimmy david). woaahhh. we end up as classmates!
• most significant -- her HK notebook, the fact that she's a dear friend of sirjimmydavid, and her remarkably tall figure.

5. aisyah johari aka AJ

• surau. ceramah, i guess. we were sitting at the back of the surau. i thought there were nazi, and rifhan (for some unknown reasons i remember this). langkawi people KOT:PP
• most significant -- her sparkling PINK sony ericsson Z610i that remind me of my BFF, yana back in high school.

6. teacher ima (chemistry teacher)

• i was late for her chemistry class, for i thought the class would start later than it should be. aha, i was wrong. thought i gave her a super baaad first impression. but she was fine, nope, she was COOL, actually. i think my unpunctuality caused her to remember my name:PP
• most significant -- she called me B, for once she had a student named nabilah, and that's what she used to call her. for some reasons, she would never pronounce my name as BELLA. it's either B, or BIELA. an awesomely super duper sweeeeeeeeet teacher.

7. afiqah aminuddin (wow, full name!:PP)

• we met somewhere near the blok E restrooms. apparently we had one thing in common- we knew the same person in our past. (haha sounds very3 fishy) had a looooo0o0ong chat about that someone. other than that, there was nothing much, i guess.
• most significant -- yes, that SOMEONE:PP

i still remember how i first met (or my first impression) of a bunch of friends. like naqi was wearing a black shirt during orientation, afiq and i was fighting whether PDK kajang kids can actually eat sweets, KI (khalidah izzaty) is one superbly adorable girl camwhoring with me in the hall during orientation, a friend actually showed me who mubin was (because she liked him a lot THAT TIME) when he passed us by in front of LT1, aiman a kisas boy who happened to be my classmate and PDK-mate, izleen one sweet girl who made cute expressions when she passed by our class, and lotsie lotsie stuffy that i found it amazing when i look back in time.

"time really has it's way of changing one's life."

[pardon me for my english. anyone can tell it sucks]

so you talk s h i t .

and you think

i can't ???

stitch yourself. we don't do TAYLORing at KMB.

a year passed, and you're still the same, dear:)

BestestFreakingFriend : yana

LongLostFriend : ceca

i miss KLIA already:)

stories to share, secrets to spill.

this week has been one of the most exciting week eversince i started risking my life by accepting the kmb offer. everything was beautiful. almost perfect. minus the fact that i haven't finished my IA, the rest was awesome. splendid. i have never been THIS happy [or bahagia] for quite some time. [asyik emo3 and koyak je, bile nak gumbira kan??] :)

MONDAY

had my UKCAT on monday. result? oh oh don't ask. memang kelam kabut. i was panicking to death the moment i started clicking "OK". it felt as if the clock had stopped ticking, all i could hear was the click sound of the mouse. there were four of us in that small freezing cold room. the atmosphere was tense. the air was thick, i could barely breathe. [dah macam cerita hantu!] haha but thank god, everything went well. been stalking a perdana, got stuck in a traffic jam, arrived late, had a quick breakfast at mamak, and wooshh tadaa! ukcat!! haha the rest of the day was terrific. been here and there, penat beyond words. almost involved in an accident. lost in petaling jaya sekejap. had koyak3 moment some more, but koyak for a DAMN good reason, so okay laa. kerinduan terhadap encik teppanyaki terubat, finally. and after years of nandos, i eventually had kenny rogers for dinner. awesome. monday was never that PERFECT:)

TUESDAY

nothing much. math quiz on differential equations the first thing in the morning. chemistry lab- eksperimen celup3. statistics- takfaham since i was absent on monday. tuesday blues a bit [sebab weekend panjang sangat]

WEDNESDAY

the highlight of the week. kmb had its raya celebration, colourful. who knows there's a feast going on in the middle of palm oil estate?? haha sorry, but the food couldn't sucks less. eiiyewwww. barely finish ANY of them. muaz had a good voice, though. boleh laa:) an incident with a bunch of juniors sitting behind me in the hall could be the joke of the day. hahaha pictures everywhere. camwhoring. took a picture [two actually] with amethyst yg sangat comel:PP had fun, HELL lots of fun. love my classymates!! and you, and her, and everyone, too:)

in rush, tak sempat pun change into something more casual. so berangkatlah sepasukan kmbian in their raya dress to KLIA. sending off MSU students to bangalore, india. BYE3 AZIE..!! we shall miss you here!! heheee but the bestest most awesomest part was... i finally get to meet YANA!! my oh my, it was like a dream, never wanted to wake up from it. after about one year++, we finally jumpa lagi!! typical bella and yana, camwhoring tengah3 KLIA. [credit to mami and nadz:] met ceyca: sweet old friend from sbpi temerloh, we knew each other during perfect score camp at sester 07. tired like pfft. but takyah cakap la. wednesday was a BLAST!

THURSDAY

chem test. aaaa horror! [ i always hate tests and quizzes and yg sewaktu dgnnya] *sigh* laptop crash, or hang kejap kott. merajuk la tu. huhu in the evening, statistics consultation with teacher arni. listened to her story about someone, so true:PP they said stats IRP was damn susah nak mati. i didn't do it, so taktauu. but eventually kne buat jugakk. *sigh lagi*

that night sangatlah comel. beautiful, but weird. two biggest secrets of all time were finally spilled. no, they aren't secrets, just stories. true stories:) had my EE left hanging because someone was in the air, feet not touching the ground. haha crap. english deteriorating. *sigh lagi lagi* thursday---perasaan macam budak darjah 3:PP [baby sheep comel:]

FRIDAY

finallyy, submitted my EE 1st draft!! well, not really first draft pon, just the introduction blah blah.. but at least got something, okay what?? hehee still in the air. kesian izleen, penat melayan. [berkat jumaat kott:] up until now, im still very much bahagiaaaaaaa ~~ penat la asyik nak koyak3 je:)

BE PREPARED FOR A SHORT AND PAINFUL TEDIOUS WEEKEND OF BUSINESS IA, BELLA.

oh, i can foresee the darkness ahead- IA punye pasal.

_layan sy bahagia kejap, okay? ala, bukan selalu pun:)

it's not that he's a jerk, he just doesn't like you.

i'm on the phone and my bestfriend he's upset

you're going off about something that makes him sad

cuz you didn't get his humor like i do

he's out in town on a typical saturday night

you couldn't guess where cuz he's out of your sight

cuz you didn't know his story like i do

he wears sweatshirt you say he's nerd

he won't open up when you wish he shares his secrets

dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find

he's asking you out well honey please stop trying

if you could see that he's not the one who wants you

never there not even once so why can't you see

you don't belong with him

walking the mall with you and your gucci

i cannot help thinking this is how it ought to be

laughing at my place thinking to myself

hey this cannot be it

and you've got shoes that can alert everyone around

i haven't heard it in a while since you switched to pumps

you say you're fine i know you better than that

i feel sorry for you have to wait like that

he drinks coffee you would prefer chocolate

he won't open up when you wish he shares his secrets

dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find

he's asking you out well honey please stop trying

if you could see that he's not the one who wants you

never there not even once so why can't you see

you don't belong with him

standing by and waiting at the back door

all this time how could you not know baby

you don't belong with him

i remember you trying very hard just to make everything right

he's the one who makes you cry when you wish that he just die

i know your favourite brands and you make it very clear

that i cannot afford them but do you think he gives a damn . .

[ you don't belong with him - but i didn't say i do ]

jealousy is a sickness.