Thursday, December 1, 2016

Double lines.

It was an ordinary day off for both of us. I was going through a lot of random (and some, expired) things in my vanity drawer. A couple of pregnancy tests included.

They were actually dated back in 2014!

So truth is, we decided to take the plunge about a month earlier.

This was the game-changing night. I actually did a serious research on maternity leave for junior doctors on NHS – very honestly –  because I wanted to find a legit reason to stay on my current visa but not work.

A baby is a much welcomed bonus.

I figured out a plan, calculated the risks and all, and decided we should just do it. So the next morning I spilled everything to Adam, in which he thought it was actually a good plan.

Now note this, I have been on contraception, IUD (copper coil) for most of our married life. Hence why the question “Where’s the baby?” didn’t really affect us all that much. We knew we couldn’t really afford to have them too, what with the long-distance marriage and all. In fact, the initial plan was to wait for another year until I finish my FY1 and be fully registered with GMC (i.e. fully licensed doctor). That would mean conceiving sometime around December-January. But work proves to be tough, that I couldn’t justify putting off having something that we’ve been wanting for so long, for some career plan that I’m not even passionate about.

Babies – yes, that I’m very much interested in, thank you.

So on to the day when I tested positive.

The night before, I toyed with the idea of testing with the expired stick with Adam. He wasn’t too keen with the idea, I mean, it’s expired, it wouldn’t mean much.

But girl don’t care.

Both sticks turned positive the next morning. Ahh, this is something!

Adam was still asleep in bed when I teased him, “Guess who’s going to be daddy?”. And guess what’s his first response?

“Did you use the expired tests?”

Such anti-climax this guy. Of course la, he knew that’s the only tests that we had.

“Should we go to Morrisons now to get a new test?”

Haha this guy too cute! Well to be honest if you ask me, I had a feeling that I’ve been pregnant quite a while before that. It’s something that I just, well, knew. So this positive test, albeit expired, pretty much confirmed it. But Adam is a man of logic. The only way to confirm it is by doing another test – a valid one.

And that, too, showed positive result.

Over the moon? Yes. But more like super duper ultimately grateful. We are so eternally grateful for this little one growing in my tummy, Alhamdulillah.

And to me, personally, things finally make sense. It has been a wonderful four years together – travelling, graduating, becoming a doctor, that now, having a little one feels only right. It's still a long way to go, just like the long list of baby names we have been accumulating over the last couple of years (without even actually trying, ha!), but inshaAllah it's going to be an amazing one.

*rubs tummy* (actually full of Nando's, more than anything).

Friday, November 25, 2016


I was going to write about how we came around to finally decide on having a little one after years of being married. But for now I just want to be real, keeping this space as real as I can. No one likes to be around people who whine complain moan (insert all negativities here). I know I don't (didn't?). Somehow that's what my life has come to.

I came home from work crying last night. More like sobbing. Halfway through the walk home, I realised how all these while me being so stressed with work - it's unfair to people around me. To Adam. To Seed.

I only care about myself that I never really think the fact that I'm carrying another human being in me. I started the pregnancy all geared up, wanting the best for the little one. Unfortunately I got lost somehow that I thought, if I were going to survive this work, I have to do things differently.

And that something means taking a toll on Seed. I drink coffee - fully caffeinated - to survive another day of work. I purposely didn't take the tablets as I had such a short time between dinner and sleep, and they can make me feel uncomfortable - I value my comfort and sleep more than this little one's needs. I eat junks to keep going through the day - no more healthy home-made sandwiches - who even got time to make that when you're constantly on-call? 

And worst of all, I get so stressed and angry and bitter that I didn't even think how it might affect the baby I'm carrying.

So last night I cried. I cried for the times I raised my voice to another person on the phone when they get rude. I cried for the foul words I have been using every time something didn't go the way they should be. I cried for the times I subconsciously rub my tummy while my mind is fully occupied with other things, not really out of love for this little one. 

I cried for the outbursts I often lash out to Adam when I get frustrated. I cried for the house chores that I simply refused to do because I'm completely knackered by the end of the day. I cried for the times when I couldn't tell Adam how much I love him, how much I am thankful to have him by my side, simply because I couldn't let my guard down. I cried for the lack of person that I have become.

I am less of a wife, let alone a mom, all in the name of work. And I am nowhere near a good doctor. 

The saddest part? I don't even want to be one.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Bun in the oven.

Meet Seed, people.

Seed is a tiny tot currently kicking away doing summersault happily in my tummy, very oblivious to the nausea and vomit and sickness that his/her mom is having.

So yeah, I am pregnant. Just going into 2nd trimester now.

I wasn't sure when to tell people about Seed, but these days (and weeks, and months!) my life has been about him/her - I've been rather unwell from the pregnancy - that it's really hard to blog without mentioning a word about this little one!

Some of you might have guessed from the crazy cravings - ayam penyet, keli balado, sambal tempe (Seed is going to be pure Malay, I tell you) and vomiting, but other than that.. I pretty much look like I was pre-pregnancy. Well, other than the constant tiredness, heartburn, nausea, headache, and urm, everything else possible.

Love your mom, guys. Not even saying this lightly.

Anyways, on to Seed - we named him/her Seed for now as when we first found out that I was pregnant, s/he was the size of a poppy seed. Initially we wanted to go for Poppy, but if it's a boy.. He won't be too happy for the nick I guess. So we settled for Seed. (I wanted Faith or Hope, but that's a different story..)

Yes, like Final Fantasy!

Our KMB classmate, Mau, suggested the name Cloud - go figure. This baby is going places with names. Although I must admit Cloud sounds kinda cool.

All in all, Alhamdulillah - that's the only word to describe how we feel all these while. 

Doakan yang baik2, inshaAllah. :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


I'm down being unwell again.

Been vomiting small amounts since yesterday with tummy ache. 

I'm supposed to be on night shift this week, 8pm-8am, while Adam is on day on-call 8am-8pm. So really, the only time we see each other is at surgical handover room. Sucks.

And when you're ill not seeing your other half kinda makes it worse. We also have no time to cook proper meal so every time we come home (alone) it's a matter of what's in the fridge - to me it's more of what I could stomach and keep down.

Side note, I made ikan goreng for lunch earlier hoping that it'd be the comfort food I could keep down, but no, a quarter of it came back up shortly after.

The ikan goreng itself, was delicious.

So here I am, at 6.45pm, still in bed, in scrubs from last night. Had to call in sick as last night I didn't even last till 8am. Yep, vomiting at the hospital isn't fun so I left at 4am. 

You'd think prescribing anti-sickness to patients has become so routine that when it happens to you, you wonder if you should have some yourself too.

I even called my mom asking if she could come over for a week - I'd pay for her flight if I have to! It was a whole dramatic affair - me wailing on the phone, like really sobbing, and her, panicking. Too bad she really couldn't, she already used up all her leave, but good thing is she only has 3 weeks to retirement so she can come over after that!

Actually my parents are coming in January anyway.. But hey, November and January makes a difference okay.

But really.. I just want to go home..

Monday, October 24, 2016

Junks, junks everywhere.

Adam's rota and mine are now officially different. We knew it from the beginning that at some point we'd have different shifts, so no surprises. But it also means we go to work at different times, and coming back too. And that naturally means no random Morrisons trip together anymore.

Which means that I find myself popping in and out of the supermarket whenever I feel like it.

Which is good, because, hey, independence!

But can also be damaging to Adam's pocket, because urm, well, eventually he pays for them all.

The receipts explain in all.

These are 3 separate trips I made to Morrisons on 3 consecutive days. Yes, 3 days in a row. And look at that amount of junks I bought!

Day 1: Walkers Sensation (big bags of crisps) x 3 bags 
Day 2: Not so much, because I was more focused in buying proper food/groceries.
Day 3: And here's the fun part.
                   Multipack Vanilla Coke x 8 cans
                   Ben & Jerry's ice cream x 3 tubs
                   Walkers Sensation x 3 bags
                   Cadbury's Hazelnut x 1 bar

I am so torn in a sense whether or not I claim them all from Adam. The junks, I mean. To be fair the crisps are more for him but still..

Who can justify 8 CANS OF VANILLA COKE in a SINGLE purchase??!?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

When in Rome. (and Pisa and Venice)

Typing this away very quickly as I have a gazillion other pending chores at home from being away and unwell for quite some time.

Italy's been amazing. The weather, that is. In summary it's a lot if this.




Obligatory tourist photos! (Still not sure if we got the right spot in Venice though).

Of all the three I probably love Venice most. And a bit of Pisa. Rome is very.. Historical. And we are not very historical people. I guess it explains why we (by that I mean, I?) love love loveee Amsterdam and New York, and don't mind going there again, despite having been to Amsterdam twice. Pretty much how I prefer Barcelona over Madrid. Oooh the paella!

I love the hustle and bustle of a city - the life, the food, the street view, the different people you meet and see. I love living, animated objects (read: human and animals), and the nice smelling/tasting ones too (read: food).  And you definitely get more of this from Venice than Rome. 

Rome just feels very deep, if that even makes sense. It gave me the pressure of having to learn the history of this place, and that building, and oohh, that chapel too! There's just too much to see, and you cannot just see without actually knowing what's going on!

Venice on the other hand, is a lot of cobblestone paved street and alleys. And water too. Sometimes you just blindly walk on the narrow streets finding yourself a dead end - into the canal. It's pretty cool, albeit sometimes annoying. But the food is amazing. Very expensive too, that we had to withdraw another bunch of cash there, but I believe it's more because our holiday and spending habits have massively changed from the student days. We like to indulge a tiny little bit more, after all we've both been working like mad! And surprisingly, unlike many other very touristy places, Venice is surprisingly very very, clean. The small streets in between buildings smell nothing of piss - Paris should definitely have a lesson or two.

And Pisa, oh well, a small quiet town with a slanting stick (read: Leaning Tower) where everyone gathers around it. Not much to say. Although it did feel like a nice transition in between Rome and Venice.

I might/might not write further on Italy honestly, as I just didn't get the vibe of holiday that I was hoping for. For the most part of it, I was rather unwell with vague things that I couldn't put down to. So to be perfectly honest, on Friday we were just glad to be heading home. 

But I do feel Italy should be on the list if you're going around Europe, it's not your typical European country - UK, northern France, Belgium etc. I guess a lot of it is due to the weather. They're further down south so it's a bit milder/nicer, although Venice can be freezing at night.

And to be perfectly honest, for this long annual leave that we had, I was actually aiming for Morocco. But my UK permit arrived about 2 weeks or so before the break, just not enough time for Moroccan visa application, so we had to go to somewhere that didn't require any visa.

That's it folks, sorry that Italy hasn't been much to write. It was amazing, just not my kind of place. Pretty sure it will be someone else's!