Thursday, August 25, 2016

Payday rants.

We finally have the mighty internet at home, wuhooo!

Yes we were living without wifi for nearly a month. The days seemed so long before, which actually felt good, sans the boredom of course, and now it seems like 24 hours is never enough!

Ever so grateful, nevertheless. Alhamdulillah.

Aaaand, it's also payday! Only to realise that we're not paid (yet) on the 4-day shadowing period we had at the beginning of the month. The junior doctors whatsapp group is fuming with anger, that someone actually sent a text to the Trust CEO pertaining the matter. Well of course, that's more than £300 missing. Marah okay marah. But the reply from her was encouraging, said she'd look into this ASAP. There's a massive shortage of junior doctors nationwide, and there's a pressure from the government to impose budget cut in healthcare system. Understaffed, underpaid, overworked, not safe! Aaand you get angry doctors too.

Ha, gitu.

I'll leave work at that. It seems all we talk about these days is werk werk werk and more werk.

So today is our off day. We have a few things in mind to get sorted, and a huge bulk of it is going shopping! And it's on Adam wuhoo! Actually he just needs to find new chair and possibly a new TV, but that's as exciting as things can get since I stopped wearing colours few years ago!

Yes, I actually stopped wearing colours circa 2014-2015. I don't take many ootds (in fact not at all?), but if you notice I only wear black headscarf and white top. On occasions (raya, graduation) I broke the rule as it's nearly impossible to find nice clothes, especially traditional ones, in black and white. Even if there is, they cost a bomb, which I cannot justify. At all.


Pergi kebun pun kena black and white ok.

Other than that, there's not a lot of things going on at the mo. I'm hoping to get into something new - crafts and sewing. Especially when I'm very picky with my outfit (design-wise, colour, not so much!), I hope to finally make/wear my own clothes one day. Seems far-fetched but I have actually been toying with the idea since last year. And my mom sews too! Well to be fair, she does a lot of things, which makes me feel like a minutiae in the domestic department.

And I finally took the plunge into KL dUck, haha. I have been so wanting to get the black one, but couldn't justify the price. Now that I think about it, I'm working, so what's a little £40 for a scarf.. Right? Riiighhhttt? Aaahhh I wouldn't, trust me, like, would never, get it if it's not for the KL motives. Having been in the UK for nearly 5 years now I have that immense pride of KL, so fine, I'll pay for this one! We're talking about someone who never batted an eye for the LE ones, guys. So this KL dUck is. A. Huge. Deal.

Ahh talk about money in these days.

Saw someone posted a picture of cekodok ikan bilis and now I want some. Actually last night at 9pm I went to Morrisons alone just because someone posted a picture of mushroom soup. So now I'm gonna make my cekodok in our nice little kitchen. Ooohh the kitchen, must share with you guys. Actually this new house, aaahhh major love. But first, cekodok! Iman kelaut, haha.

Hope life is treating everyone good, inshaAllah!



Thursday, August 11, 2016

Keep calm and doctor on.

Let's talk about working nights now.

I've been on nights the whole week, and from the look of it, next week too. That's 8pm-8am. The job itself isn't too bad. But the sh*tty feeling that comes with it is a whole different story.

You go to bed at 8ish in the morning and wake up around 3-4pm. That if you're lucky. I can't really sleep long hours during the day so most of the times I'm already up by 1pm, forcing myself back to sleep at least until I hit 6 hours. If you're luckier, you sleep throughout and wake up at 5-6pm - but that means your Zuhur kelaut. Your choice.

But the sh*tty feeling when you wake up.. Ahh. The days are jumbled. The sun more blinding that usual. Your body aches from whole night of running around. It's a bit like post-workout effect minus the endorphine. You don't feel it when you're working out, but the day after everything just aches. The home empty. If you're lucky you get nice food on the table left by your husband who works during the day, if not, well, you'll live.

Like I said, the job isn't too bad. I find myself settling in quite quickly, Alhamdulillah. Be kind to everyone, and they'll be kind to you. At one point I was so sleepy that I even said, "I have to be chirpy and all bubbly at this hour (3.30am) or else I'll be grumpy and people won't like it, so just bear with me."

To which the nurse replied, " Do you feel the intense pressure to make people like you?"

"Not really, at this point I just don't care anymore. I just want to do my job. But you get your jobs done quicker when people like you."

The nurse paused.

"You're quie right there. I agree."

So yes, be kind to others and they'll help you. Especially when you're new to the hospital and you have no idea how much and what laxative you should prescribe to a patient at 2.40 in the morning. Or insulin regular or PRN. Aahhh insulin, the bane of my medical career. Other than cannula, of course. But I managed to put a cannula in (third working cannula in my career, ever), so hopefully it won't be in the list soon.

I find being kind to people helps. It helps with angry patient who refuses his feed because his insulin regime has been changed and it makes him unwell, but not taking the feed means he risks of hypoglycaemia. You just talk your way through, and be kind. Whether you're actually doing anything or not is a different story.

I'm afraid I am that kind of doctor at night. During the day I have no idea how I'll be since I haven't worked days. Yet.

And then one of my biggest fears surfaces. That I can do this whole doctoring job. Yes I can. Enjoyed it, probably, every now and then. Most of the times it's just, plain okay. Seeing patients is one thing, sorting them out with the ridiculous paperwork and bureaucracy of the hospital is a whole other thing. And let's not go into how much I don't like referring/asking/troubling others. Last two night I had to bleep the medical registrar (he was fast asleep) for patients who had a fall maybe with some bleed and another one with pulmonary oedema (lungs filled with fluid). He was all nice (bless him!) and just listened patiently but I haaaateee having to trouble him. Don't get me started on having to ask the nurse to do repeat obs or ECG, if it's up to me, let the patient sleep and the nurse rest and the registrar naps. Easy peasy. 

But that's not how hospital life is. You should be patient (pun there, see it?), and patient care is your first priority. I. Just. Don't. Have. That.

Bleeped at 7.20am, that's when I'm finishing my shift soon. Do I respond? Do I ignore? I did respond of course, but the urghh feeling of 'let me go homeee' was so intense I find myself asking, kenaaapaaa lah sekarang nak jatuhh (patient had a fall).

You might think I'm being mean. But I tell you what, this is what happens when there's no passion in the job. You find yourself constantly looking at the clock, bilaaaalah nak balikkk.

And this comes from someone who has been regarded as 'kind' by most people, including her husband.

Yes I do get that intense feeling of helping others, relieving them from pain. But as far as work is concerned, I. Need. To. Go. Home. In. Time.
Period.

I'm looking at options now. If I quit, I'd have no income. Worse, what about visa? I just applied for Tier 4 visa (junior doctor visa) so that's nearly £800 gone and quitting means it'll get revoked. Spouse visa is going to cost a lot more I believe.

Okay income-wise. I'll get paid rather handsomely for this current job. Yeap, kayo ok. So maybe I can just work for 4 months and quit then - that'll give me enough savings for, I don't know, a year plus on my own? That includes my current balance in account. I'm planning to do some side business to at least cover the cost of living, so probably I can stretch my savings a little bit. Our little one would be fine, inshaAllah. Cumaaa, visaaaa??

I'm a firm believer of Allah pemberi rezeki yang mutlak. Maybe I get stable pay while doctoring, but I believe our rezeki akan bertambah with a little one, and me serving as wife. If I continue doctoring for another year, little one has to wait too. And currently wife mode is completely gone. Part of it because I'm working too, another part of it is because, well, my husband is my colleague. And we're kinda on it because we reeeally don't want others to feel awkward around us like we sometimes did in college.

So guys, yes, we've grown up. :)

I have lots of plans for my life. It seems like I finally know what I want to do after a whole 7 years (and more) of submitting my life to medicine. But by the time that I'm sure, I'm already doctoring, and getting on pretty well on it.


In short, I lack of courage. That's what I'm all about. My biggest fear is probably failing - what if it doesn't work. I mean, I could be a doctor, a good one, (happiness is a different story), yet I choose to be self-employed, going down the uncertain route of enterpreneuring, (and be happy, inshaAllah!).

But what if I'm not (happy)?


What ifs, the bane of my existence. I've had sooo many what ifs since the start of medical school. What if I had quitted earlier? What if changed my course earlier? What if I never applied for FY1? What if we jumped straight into having a little one as soon as we moved in together? What ifs..


And all my what ifs are ways to get out of medicine.

I am, that desperate, guys.


Anyways, it's 4.45pm and I need to eat and pray and be ready for the next 8pm.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

One happy catheter man.

So today I had to change a catheter for a lovely elderly gentleman on the ward. He had his catheter changed last Friday, and it was rather traumatic with all the blood and the fact that the catheter itself was rather a large rigid one. I was there holding his hands (or rather, him clutching mine in pain) so I desperately did not want to hurt him any more than I should this time. 

It was pretty funny as at the first sight of me he actually said, "Nice to see you again, doctor", but when I mentioned that I was there to change the catheter he immediately looked like I've dropped him a death sentence or something. Bless him. Anyways, he agreed to it, all the while shaking away nervously making weird sounds as a way to cope with the anticipated pain.

In the end it all went well, Alhamdulillah. It helped that he's such a lovely patient mashaAllah! And as I was cleaning up, he asked for my name. I said Bella as always, but he wanted my real, full name, asking to look at my ID card. I gave it to him and he then asked me to write down my full name with the department I'm in on a piece of paper. I honestly thought it was rather weird, but I wrote a little note for him anyway, he's such a lovely man to begin with!

I jokingly said that I do accept credit cards, lol. And that I expect nothing less than a cheque. Haha poor man must've thought that this doctor's in the job for money! 

But he then said, "Soon enough you'll find out why I asked for your details today." Ooh, someone's got some surprise in it for me!

Anyways, it was such a good feeling after a failed bloods from a patient earlier - young, fit and even on blood-thinning drug - when I'm usually good with bloods. I mean, my first catheter on my own and I'm already getting a cheque coming, lol!

I know I sounded a lot unhappier about medicine days/weeks earlier, but I thought instead of being bitter about it, why don't I just cherish it. Celebrate the fact that I am a doctor. After all I worked hard for it! And I thought maybe, just maybe, if I write/talk/share more about medicine, then it'll love me back, and my heart grow into it - Law of Attraction. Meanwhile let me just chill while all the new doctors (Adam included, haha) panic  about their first day tomorrow!

Ahh 5 off days at the start of work. You won't get that from other jobs. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.

لَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُمْ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ أَلا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. [Ar-Ra'd: 28]

I find solace in sadness. 

Oh, the irony.

I miss being sad. Being in desperate need of something from The Almighty. As much as I try to convince myself that I, too, could be in constant remembrance of Him at times of happiness, it's never the same as when I'm in deep need of His comfort. When dunya knocks me down. When all I seek is the comfort of His words through the Holy Quran, or the warmth of tears flowing down my face flooding my telekung and sejadah as I recite every little prayer I know, as I tell Him my hopes and dreams, as I desperately need someone to listen.

I always wonder why am I such a melancholy. There were times when I craved to be sad, up to a point where it was unhealthy. Little did I know, that I needed to be sad. It's the sadness that truly brings me down on my knees, for me to truly reflect on my imaan.

Probably the thing that I miss, is not sadness. Rather, it's the state of utter submission to Him. To be able to cry in my sujood, or have the strength to wake up for tahajjud without a slight hesitation of life-is-pretty-good-maybe-I'll-wake-up-tomorrow because well, life is pretty good, what's another night without tahajjud? I wish it's the same as any other day. It is not.

So if being sad is the only way to put my heart at ease, I'll take sadness anytime. 

After all it's better to be sad than to not feel anything.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Reality hits.

Truth is, I still feel like this is a phase of my life that soon, is going to pass.

This, too, shall pass.

Like it's only temporary. But who am I kidding right?

Underneath what seems to be the perfect life that we have now, there's a major fear deep inside us.

The fear of, unhappiness.

We're both desperate to get out of medicine. 

Let's get that out of the way - loud and clear.

That's the main reason why I don't usually talk about medicine and the likes, other than some occasional rants on how swamped I was with school and studies.

Unfortunately when there's two of you doing what you don't like (almost hate, even), the intensity grew over time.

I, for example, was only a wee bit relieved when I found out that I passed finals.

And while working here in the UK might sound glamorous to some, no it isn't. Not especially when you dread what you're doing.

I'll give you an example.

Adam had a 4-day annual leave. He welcomed it as a good rest. We went out for meals, slept in til late, all was fine and dandy. Until the last evening before he had to start working again. He'd whine and wail and moan and complain and just dread going to work the very next day.

Repeat this for a whole year. What am I to do? Do I say quit your job and follow your passion like a good friend does? Or keep going, it will get better, spoken from a fellow medical colleague? Or the best one yet, unfortunately we'll need a stable job with stable income - coming from a wife (never actually said that, phew).

And now it's my turn. Soon enough I'll step into his shoes. I can already foresee how unhappy we'd become.

Actually..

I'm already unhappy..

I made it through medical school relentlessly praying for Allah to make it easy for me. To open up a path through this all. To soften my heart in medicine.

But next week.. Is real. Working life.. Is real. Being a doctor.. Is real.

(I re-read the above and saw Israel, lol)

And I only have prayers and Him to guide me, inshaAllah.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Doctor, est. 2016.

14-07-16
De Monfort Hall, Leicester



"Hey, don't you think that I should be a psychiatrist?"

Cause I always blow your mind away.