Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Yang baru kahwin tiga tahun setengah.

Baru baru ni bersembang dengan kawan di Malaysia, nak kahwin akhir tahun ini katanya. Alhamdulillah, suka saya mendengar, maklumlah sudah banyak cabaran yang dia hadapi, baik dalam kehidupan mahupun kisah hati (isu mahu berkahwin). Sempat juga dia minta tips berkahwin memandangkan usia rumahtangga kami sudah lebih tiga tahun.

Kami (saya dan Adam) berkahwin pada usia yang sangat muda - 22 tahun. Masa tu isu kahwin awal masih belum dibincangkan, malahan tidak wujud pun cerita kahwin dalam kalangan kami. Kawan-kawan kolej semua tidak menjangkakan bahawa kami akan nikah begitu awal. Jujurnya kami juga tidak ada perancangan awal langsung, cuma ye lah, Allah sebaik-baik perancang. Masa tu saya tak ada instagram, facebook pun boring2 saja. Dan disebabkan hashtag tilljannah, relationship goals dan yang sebagainya masih belum wujud, kami tak ada expectation tentang majlis perkahwinan kami. Marilah ambil yang wajib iaitu nikah semata. Wang hantaran, dulang ada berapa memang langsung takterfikir. Bridesmaids apatah lagi, lagipun masa tu saya bukannya ramai kawan perempuan pun, haha.

Kami decide untuk bernikah pun hanyalah bermula sebulan sebelum. To be more exact, selepas result peperiksaan semester 2 saya dikeluarkan. Masa tu kami dua-dua macam, "yes, it's a sign, boleh kahwin dah." Haha, yakin sungguh. Jujurnya tak sempat nak risau pun baju warna apa, orang ramai nak cakap apa, betul ke kami memang nak kahwin ni, saya ni takreti masak langsung dah tu nanti nak makan apa, memang tak sempat. Semuanya berlaku sangat pantas. Keluarga Adam datang ke Sarawak (masa tu parents saya tinggal di Sarawak, walaupun kami ada rumah di Kuala Lumpur), dan seterusnya kami uruskan hal-hal perkahwinan sendiri.

Masih ingat lagi kami ke Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman mencari baju kahwin. Prinsipnya cuma satu, anything that fits me will do. Sebab saya agak kecil, nak cari saiz memang susah, nak nak baju siap. Makanya bila kami jumpa kebaya warna cream tu, terus kami decide, we'll get married in cream. Dan kemudian cari baju melayu Adam.

Kamilah yang kehulu kehilir mencari imam di Masjid Taman Melati, minta tarikh yang sesuai memandangkan kami akan bernikah di masjid, bulan puasa pula tu! Tarikh yang ada hanyalah dalam bulan puasa sebab abang saya akan bertunang lepas raya, dan lebih kurang seminggu lepas raya kami kena balik dah. Tak sempat tunggu lepas raya pun. Ye, kahwin bulan puasa memang buat ramai orang angkat kening, tapi imam masjid tu relax je cakap, Islam tak pernah larang kahwin dalam bulan puasa, cuma kena kuat iman lah, haha! Lawak pun ada, memandangkan kami sangat muda, masih belajar, tiba-tiba nak kahwin. Bajet guna duit sendiri pula tu, yakin sangat! Adam je lah guna duit sendiri, saya masih menumpang kasih ayah ummi :D

Alhamdulillah, semua selesai. Rasanya bajet keseluruhan tak sampai 3k untuk nikah dan sedikit makan-makan buka puasa di masjid. Sebenarnya dalam bajet tu cincin kahwin saja agak mahal lah, lepas tu saya hilangkan di Iceland pula, adoi. Tapi Alhamdulillah, kami bahagia. Tenang. Walaupun sampai sekarang kami selalu terfikir, perlu ke buat reception sebab dah 3 tahun lebih kahwin. Mungkin patut buat aqiqah je nanti, hehe.

Pesan saya pada kawan yang ingin berkahwin tu, pertama sekali betulkan niat. Wait sebenarnya pertama-tama sekali ialah restu mak ayah - ini sangat penting! Kalau mak ayah tak bagi kahwin lagi maka hold dulu, pujuk lagi dan lagi, bentangkan hujah lagi dan lagi. Terutamanya kalau nak kahwin muda. Saya kurang bersetuju kalau berkeras mahu kahwin awal tapi restu ibu bapa ke laut. Sebab keberkatan itu datang dari redha mak ayah. Alhamdulillah parents kami one of a kind, even Ayah bila first time bagitau nak kahwin tu, reaksi dia "Awak dah bagitau MARA ke belum? MARA cakap apa?". Tak sentimental langsung -_-" Anyway point dia, mak ayah datang dulu. Tau.

Seterusnya ialah, niat. Well niat dan restu mak ayah ni sebenarnya seiring sejalan. Betulkan niat. Tanya diri betul2, kenapa nak kahwin. Takperlu pun niat terang2 nak kahwin sebab ini itu nawaitu segala. Cukup apa yang kita rasa jauh di dasar hati. Benda ni memang ada, percayalah. Jenguk dalam hati, tanya betul2 diri sendiri, kenapa. Dulu sebelum berkahwin saya takpernah terfikir tentang niat. Yang saya tahu cuma nak kahwin dengan Adam, haha. Tapi bila saya tengok buku nota kelas2 agama, atau refleksi diri yang saya scribble, banyak yang saya tulis tentang betapa hubungan kami (couple) ini salah. It doesn't feel right anymore. Saya bangun solat malam minta doa berguni2, tapi secara dasarnya saya dalam hubungan yang haram. Sudah lah kami dua2 di overseas, walaupun tinggal berjauhan, masih tetap berhubung. Jadi bila saya reflect balik kenapa saya sangat mahu berkahwin masa tu, ialah kerana saya mahu redha Allah. Saya mahukan ketenangan berdoa pada-Nya tanpa rasa bersalah menanggung beban hati mencintai lelaki yang bukan muhrim ini (ha, gittew). Ummi saya juga pernah berpesan, jangan niat nak kahwin sebab nak elak maksiat, sebab akhirnya itu sajalah yang akan dapat - elak maksiat. Kahwin bukan sekadar untuk elak maksiat, kahwin ni untuk selamanya inshaAllah, maka betulkan niat, apa yang kita nak untuk selamanya. Deep sikit.

Yang ketiga saya pesan, ingatkan diri tentang kebergantungan sebenar kita pada siapa. Saya pernah jumpa seseorang yang memang mahu kahwin kerana merasakan hidupnya tak gembira, tak cukup katanya. Berkali-kali saya pesan, jangan niat mahu kahwin untuk bahagiakan diri semata, nak-nak di awal perkahwinan. You don't get married to feel complete, you get married to complete each other. Ini juga silap saya dulu. Mula2 saya takfaham kenapa Adam macam ini macam itu, kenapa susah sangat dia nak faham apa yang saya mahukan. Saya demand macam2, ye lah, semua mahukan the perfect husband/wife kan. Apa yang saya tak sedar ialah, he is just as flawed as I am. Kebergantungan saya pada Adam sangat tinggi, expectation menggunung, sampai lah saya sedar, kebergantungan mutlak itu sesungguhnya hanya pada Allah. Ini sangat betul terutamanya kerana kami tinggal berjauhan di Belfast dan Leicester, (bayangkan Langkawi dan Kuala Lumpur), jumpa pun hanyalah sebulan sekali lebih, dalam setahun mungkin kira-kira 15 kali berjumpa, itu pun dalam 4 hari setiap kali datang melawat masing2. Kebanyakan masa saya memang bersendirian, independent, jadi kalau saya bergantung pada Adam untuk bahagia/gembira, dalam setahun tu hanya 15 kali lah saya bahagia, tak gitu? 3 tahun long-distance. Masa tu lah saya belajar bahawa kebahagiaan mutlak hanya pada Allah. Ketenangan hati hanya pada Allah. 

Being married makes me realise two main things,

1. You are in-charge of your own happiness. Should you decide to put it solely on your spouse, once your spouse makes a mistake, there goes your happiness. Should you decide to put it in The Almighty, then inshaAllah your happiness will always be yours, so long you're in the remembrance of Allah.

2. Nothing beats parents' love. Take my word -  nothing, no one. Their love is unconditional. Doesn't mean your spouse's love is inadequate or insufficient, it's just a different kind of love. It was only after I got married that I truly understand my dad's words, "We love you not the same way others do". Nanges.

ootd baju kahwin Jalan TAR, recycle untuk raya 2 tahun kemudian

03.02.2016 - Yang baru kahwin 3 tahun setengah,

Monday, January 25, 2016

Symonds and Impey.


Happiness is finding both Symonds and Impey's obstetrics & gynae books on shelf at the hospital library when they're all gone elsewhere - including the BMA online library. 

Have no idea what I'm talking about? Me too. 

I'm currently so cooped up with finals that I forgot there is a life going on outside. Kidding. I didn't forget. I'm just in denial. 

7 weeks to go! Breathe. Breathe.

But first let me flaylay my obsgyn books and admire how everything on my current revision list is all in purple. 

#ocdproblems

Friday, January 15, 2016

Write happy things.

In need to write happy things and remind myself how some petty stuff are just not worth the slightest thought.

1. Texting with Hajar. 
It makes me happy. Genuinely, sincerely happy. This is one of the peculiar friendships that I have in life. Boy I'm good with long distance. At some point we talked about how we're all grown ups now, we'll be 26 this year! Look how far we've come. Ahhh I can't say how happy I am for her, Alhamdulillah.


2. Love note from Umi.
Well, more like from Tsara and Danial. When we were in KL, Adam and I went to The Mines, just the two of us. Apparently Umi (my mil), was there too, along with Tsara and Danial. And it just so happened that Adam parked the car right next to hers.

I thought of being cheeky (or creepy) and left her a note on the windscreen.


And came back to this.


I honestly thought they wouldn't notice it. But they did, and we got a love note too! #clingydaughterinlaw alert. Alright T and D, we love you guys just as much. Sometimes I think to myself, I am in so much win in this whole in-laws department, Alhamdulillah!

5. Out shopping with (almost) the whole family.
We almost never went out shopping as a family. Almost. Most of it because everyone has different needs and wants, and to drag Little Adam into Nichii for example is so not convenient. But we did last time! Minus Afiq because he has such intense love for his school, and Zahid because, well, he has  his own family. Well I do too, but never mind, haha. This time my mom insisted so we all went to Sunway Putra. Not massively impressive, but good enough for a start, hehe.

There's Ayah but he was paying for the parking or something.



Even better because Adam and Zay came to join us (well I made them, haha!). And yes, sometimes Adam and I do split ways towards the end of our holiday in Malaysia because we just need our own time to be with our own family. And because we're cool like that.

4. Wedding with A.
I notice I refer Adam as A more commonly on twitter these days, out of habit.

At Afiqah K's wedding.

Because time and togetherness in Malaysia is always limited, and to have both in hand is pure blessing.

"So which of the blessings of your Lord shall ye deny?"

Sunday, January 10, 2016

El Capitan, The Captain in Spanish.

Got my laptop sorted Alhamdulillah!

And now on OS X El Capitan, *smug face*.

Running Microsoft Office 2016, *double smug face*.

Lol. This machine has been stuck with OS X Mavericks (2 generations behind) because I didn't even have the gut to update to Yosemite. It's an early 2011 model, I didn't want to stretch it too far. It was crawling even on Mavericks!

The Apple doctor yesterday confirmed there was a hard drive issue, needing to be replaced. Uhm, fine. What I didn't think was, there are nearly 5 years worth of pictures in there that I didn't get to back up! Uhm, that's like nearly 5 years of my life man, IN THE UK. It might not matter as much now, but 10 years down the line I'd probably be like, 

"Uhm, you know kids, there's this period of time, not too long, only about, probably 5 years, where mommy spent her life in Leicester (I wanted to say UK but what if by that time I'm still in UK, haha), but all the memories are gone, together with the broken hard drive because mommy didn't back up her data. "

Hah! Eventually I agreed to retrieve the old broken hard drive back with extra cost. We'll think what to do with it later.

Which I then asked if this machine would be able to run El Capitan (given the age), and another Apple doctor said yes. And at that point I was like, uhuh, get on with it, I got nothing to lose now. 

Boy I was wrong.

I didn't even think that running the latest OS X on macbook might mean that some of the features wouldn't work with the older iOS on iPhone. And that's where my (another) ancient machine comes into the picture. The good old iPhone 4s that's just slightly younger than my macbook, nearing its 5 years of service now.

Sigh. Some of the cloud features on El Capitan could only work with iOS 8 or above, and my 4s has been stuck (again) at iOS 7, due to (again), age factor. Which only means one thing - I had to update my iPhone.

And I did, it is now running on iOS 9.2 beautifully, never mind the occasional lag. You know that app update notification on iTunes store that you get every now and then? I haven't been able to do it for some time since my iOS was too far behind, that updates became useless, and some might not even work at all. Now all notifications are gone! Updates, be gone, huh!

Now I'm pleased to say that I have two machines running perfectly, Alhamdulillah,  plus a huge hole in my pocket.

Biggest lesson of the day? Back up your data, REGULARLY.



Still waiting for the time when I get a quote for data recovery on my broken hard drive..

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

It's okay.

Let's be honest. 2016 didn't start too well in the school and learning department. 

I have another rotation before study week and finals, and it's AnE ie Emergency Department in Burton for 7 weeks. So last Sunday we left for Burton - 4 of us Malaysians in the group. Everything started fine and dandy, we were excited to finish the darn block (only starting, looking forward to finish already?), and having just had 3 weeks break, we were all (kinda) geared up. 

Until we were told by the hospital people that there were no keys left for us. 

Long story short, we ended up in Travelodge, a nearby hotel for the night. It did cost us £21 each, but the hospital said we'd be reimbursed. 

Only to be told the day after that it wouldn't be reimbursed. We fought for it, saying it's not our fault, and til today still waiting for the answer. 

Another thing is, I had to submit my elective proposal form by this Friday. And of course I thought I still had time to do it, having to wait for the confirmation letter anyway. 

Until my laptop crashed and wouldn't boot up. 

My trusty old machine is now giving up on me. After nearly 5 years. 

It has been making clunky noises, fair enough, but I didn't expect it to go too soon. And guess what? It went kaput about 10 minutes after me completing the elective form, but not yet backing it up, ie saving to cloud storage. Imagine the horror!

This happened on Monday afternoon, on my first day of outblock, after a long tiring night at Travelodge, after a looong 3 weeks break in Malaysia where I could've had it looked at or even better, get a new one! Of all the times!!!

Ha, maghah ni, maghah. 

Called Apple, said it's probably a hard drive thing, the earliest appointment I could get with the Genius Bar is this Saturday. Guess what, ain't no Apple in Burton, yo! 

So on Tuesday I went to hospital library wanting to finish the works ie re-do the elective form on the public computers. But hey Bella, you don't remember your personal emails password, remember??!!?? 

Had to go for 'Forgot my password' and have a confirmation text sent to my phone. And guess what? Yes, my phone HAD TO DIE within seconds of clicking 'Send text to my phone'. Of course.

Things couldn't get any worse. 

I was so upset, so frustrated that I turned off the computer and headed back to my accommodation and had early dinner while crying. Yes, crying sobbing while having dinner on your own in your room because your laptop crashed sounds too pathetic. 

But I was really sad. Honestly, really really sad. But I couldn't express it how because I don't know how to. I'm not much of a complainer, I'm the silver lining person. All is always well with me. 

But all was not well. I was tired, I'm on outblock (which I hate with passion), I have finals in 10 weeks time, and I have a deadline in few days! Nothing was well. 

So I went to Puteri's room, in desperate effort to let it out, to not be okay, to be really really sad. She admitted that she thought my reaction to my laptop crashing the day before was too cool, like it didn't affect me much, when the truth was I went to bed almost straight after it happening because I was too upset! But nope, couldn't do it. We ended up having a conversation about this, though. About how I have suppressed my emotions/anger/sadness to the point that I don't know how to channel it out, and it's slowly eating me up on the inside. 

Still, I couldn't let it out. I can cry myself to sleep, or sob out loud in the shower, but not really to others. 

So I called Adam, saying that "I reeeally don't know how to tell you that I'm reeeeallly sad that my laptop crashed." To which he replied, "You don't have to, I know."

But I wanted to cry, to scream, to make a scene, to rant it out, to reeaaallly complain about it! I ended up crying a bit and that was it. 

In the end we sorted a few things out. I managed to get Adam rummaging my paperworks for an important letter, managed to eventually settle the elective form with the help of Puteri's laptop, even managed to watch our simulation video we had earlier. 

I know I sound veeery negative now, but all these, and at the end of the day I still think, I have a lot to be grateful for! Had the Travelodge thing not happen, I wouldn't back up my data on a cloud storage, thanks to Puteri showing me how to. And that's just one. 

Earlier in a teaching, I got side-tracked a bit, when my mind wandered to the last few days I was in Malaysia. I kept having tummy ache and loose stools after meals, that I worried about my upcoming ridiculously long flight (it was nearly 16 hours on air, but hey, we got here). Then it struck me how I, uhm, got a tiny wee bit constipated on the day before the flight, until I'm in UK for a couple of days. 

He answered my prayer! I mean, not pooing for a few days ain't nice, but better than diarrhoea in aircraft toilet! And I only realised it just now? (To be fair the teaching talked abit about constipation). Well that is something to be grateful for. 

Anyways, I still think I need to let things out more. And acknowledge the unpleasant feelings I get - be it sadness, anger, frustration. Acknowledge that things are not okay, and that's okay too. 

Fuhh, typing this on the phone makes my fingers go cramp, buy hey presto, it makes me feel better already! 

Accepting that things are not okay does not mean you're being ungrateful. It means that you're human. You deserve to be wronged, you deserve to be imperfect. And it's okay too.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Our little family of two.

We are soo back, Alhamdulillah!

By 'back' I mean, UK-back. Didn't get a chance to update further whilst in Malaysia as Adam came home and my online life came to a halt (as usual), and we had what was probably the most meaningful time in Malaysia, ever.

By 'meaningful', I mean a quarter-life crisis.

There was a lot of 'adult' stuff going on. Family responsibilities, financial matters, health/life insurance, and eventually, the big question of,

To UK or not to UK.

The question arised probably from having the privilege of spending quite a substantial amount of time together in Malaysia. Yes, 12 days is long, considering last time we only had 3 days together and all the rest of it we were just being, um, independent travellers ie we went back alone without the significant other, haha.

And probably because Adam has now started working for quite a while, that the reality of working/living in the UK is starting to hit him.

And also because the awesomeness of home is just, unbeatable!

Suddenly returning to UK felt really daunting.

It doesn't help that Adam is starting immediately with long shifts of 9am-10pm straight and I'll be in Burton for the next seven weeks (which also means that Adam won't be able to drive me there because he'll finish at 10pm this Sunday when I have to leave for Burton).

Now now, how do I pack a 15-tog duvet into a suitcase, carrying them all on the train? (after unpacking the whole stuff from Malaysia of course.)

Last night we both slept early thanks to jet-lag and woke up at around 3am. I knew I could stay awake and still sleep later in the day but Adam needed the sleep as he'd have to work until late tonight!

I offered to give him a massage, hoping that he'd doze off back to sleep. He did, fortunately.

It was a moment of pure bliss, that quiet early morning, watching him sleeping peacefully. Malaysia is home, undeniably, but UK is not too bad. We have an easy life here, Alhamdulillah, albeit pretty dull. All the serious conversation of where to settle down felt less of a question, as I thought, I still have to finish my degree first, hehe. Then we'll probably have that serious talk again, but we'll worry about it later, life now is pretty good.

So yeah, back to our little family of two now.

I am sensing that 2016 will bring a whole lot of responsibilities of different kinds, yay!

2016 - To a better us, inshaaAllah!