Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.

لَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُمْ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ أَلا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. [Ar-Ra'd: 28]

I find solace in sadness. 

Oh, the irony.

I miss being sad. Being in desperate need of something from The Almighty. As much as I try to convince myself that I, too, could be in constant remembrance of Him at times of happiness, it's never the same as when I'm in deep need of His comfort. When dunya knocks me down. When all I seek is the comfort of His words through the Holy Quran, or the warmth of tears flowing down my face flooding my telekung and sejadah as I recite every little prayer I know, as I tell Him my hopes and dreams, as I desperately need someone to listen.

I always wonder why am I such a melancholy. There were times when I craved to be sad, up to a point where it was unhealthy. Little did I know, that I needed to be sad. It's the sadness that truly brings me down on my knees, for me to truly reflect on my imaan.

Probably the thing that I miss, is not sadness. Rather, it's the state of utter submission to Him. To be able to cry in my sujood, or have the strength to wake up for tahajjud without a slight hesitation of life-is-pretty-good-maybe-I'll-wake-up-tomorrow because well, life is pretty good, what's another night without tahajjud? I wish it's the same as any other day. It is not.

So if being sad is the only way to put my heart at ease, I'll take sadness anytime. 

After all it's better to be sad than to not feel anything.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Reality hits.

Truth is, I still feel like this is a phase of my life that soon, is going to pass.

This, too, shall pass.

Like it's only temporary. But who am I kidding right?

Underneath what seems to be the perfect life that we have now, there's a major fear deep inside us.

The fear of, unhappiness.

We're both desperate to get out of medicine. 

Let's get that out of the way - loud and clear.

That's the main reason why I don't usually talk about medicine and the likes, other than some occasional rants on how swamped I was with school and studies.

Unfortunately when there's two of you doing what you don't like (almost hate, even), the intensity grew over time.

I, for example, was only a wee bit relieved when I found out that I passed finals.

And while working here in the UK might sound glamorous to some, no it isn't. Not especially when you dread what you're doing.

I'll give you an example.

Adam had a 4-day annual leave. He welcomed it as a good rest. We went out for meals, slept in til late, all was fine and dandy. Until the last evening before he had to start working again. He'd whine and wail and moan and complain and just dread going to work the very next day.

Repeat this for a whole year. What am I to do? Do I say quit your job and follow your passion like a good friend does? Or keep going, it will get better, spoken from a fellow medical colleague? Or the best one yet, unfortunately we'll need a stable job with stable income - coming from a wife (never actually said that, phew).

And now it's my turn. Soon enough I'll step into his shoes. I can already foresee how unhappy we'd become.

Actually..

I'm already unhappy..

I made it through medical school relentlessly praying for Allah to make it easy for me. To open up a path through this all. To soften my heart in medicine.

But next week.. Is real. Working life.. Is real. Being a doctor.. Is real.

(I re-read the above and saw Israel, lol)

And I only have prayers and Him to guide me, inshaAllah.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Doctor, est. 2016.

14-07-16
De Monfort Hall, Leicester



"Hey, don't you think that I should be a psychiatrist?"

Cause I always blow your mind away.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Cranky birthday.

I'm a cranky bunny right now. Or as Adam would've said it - a grouchy Smurfette.

Note that Grouchy and Smurfette are two completely different Smurfs altogether so that's not a correct term!

(we recently bought an xbox with a Smurfs game, so bear with me.)

Anyways, back to being cranky.

I don't know. A lot has been happening, and believe it or not, I've had multiple blog posts drafted on my iPhone, only that when I opened them on laptop - somehow the text cursor (you know, the blinking one that shows where you are on the screen) wouldn't show up. Every time. So I ended up not editing them, which further makes them, well, un-post-able! No that's not a word, I'm just cranky.

Somehow I feel that my life came to a halt post-finals and elective. I should have a million things to do but none of them are progressing anywhere. Get UK visa done, nope. Driving license, nope. Accommodation in Northampton, nope. And I'm not even pregnant yet! Well the last bit because we're not even trying, so of course it won't happen. Ahhh again, bear with me, I'm just being cranky. 

I had my birthday recently, which was as mundane as any other days. It was a cold-rainy-typical-English-weather day, and I had to leave veeery early to catch a veeery early bus to General Hospital. All because Adam was on nights, so I couldn't have a ride to the hospital. Come to think of it, I was actually grumpy on that very day. (that was when Adam coined the name grouchy Smurfette.)

Came home to this later.





I can go on forever about the grammar errors, but for someone who just spent the whole night running around the hospital saving lives, 5 stars for the effort!

So my birthday gift this year is pretty unique. Adam let me choose three things.
1 item.
1 activity.
1 'anything'.

Yes I was wondering too what kind of 'anything' would it be. Until last night.

I was watching the movie PS. I Love You on TV in the lounge while Adam on his computer in the room. He suddenly came out and said, "Baby, just to let you know, that 'anything' I wrote in the card really means 'anything' tau," with a loving innocent look on his face.

It was the perfect timing as I was all sappy from the movie. So I said,

"I want a love letter each day, every day, till my next birthday."

Of course he refused out right. Actually no, he gave it a thought, asking me if it's a letter or just a simple love note, pondering on what it would be like having to write beautiful words for his wife for another 365 days. (it's actually less since 5 days have passed since my birthday).

And nope, he wasn't going to do it.



(referring to the movie),
"He knows he's dying, of course he has so much to say. You want me to die early, is it?"



I'm going to ask for a handbag every month, instead.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Dr Biby Girl.

A: Congratulations sayang! After this I call you Dr Biby okay?
B: Nuu I want to be Dr Girl.
A: You mean Dr Girl-Dont-Care?

...

Such a caring nick for a doctor!

(and if it was up to Adam, he'd have it spelled Gurl with a 'u')

Cringe.

Okay la okay la, not the most romantic conversation ever, but that's not the point.

Point is..

I'm a friggin' doctor!

I know right??!!?? Alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar!!

Hehe fine la I'm a year behind most of my friends (since I took gap year in between IB and uni), but allow me to be uber-excited about this. I mean, trust me, I'm a doctor!

Can finally say that HAHAHA. *rolls eyes at future patients*

So yeah, I passed my Final Professional exam, Alhamdulillah.

And I owe this to a lot of people. A. WHOLE. LOT.

I mean, I could write a whole paragraph of "Ucapan terima kasih ditujukan kepada.." but I'll keep it short for now.

While a lot of people post their self-congratulatory and deep appreciation messages on FB, I feel like I owe this place more. You guys have been there throughout these past five years.

Thank you people. Thanks for the kind prayers, kind words, kind everything la. In fact sometimes when I'm feeling so down like I don't wanna do this anymore then a random comment popped in and I'm like, wow, someone's still reading this, cool or what?

Like some kind of occult motivation that you guys don't even know it, but it's there.

I've been wanting to write (and ramble, and whine, and rant!!) about my whole medical school journey, including why I don't usually write about my medical school life (haha, ironic), but that can wait.

I just want to take this moment in, to THANK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU, for just being there. Sometimes when I ask you guys to make duas, I really don't know if anyone actually would. But I believe, as Muslims, we should all make prayers asking for the best of everyone, and I know you guys are super awesome too! We'd never know whose duas are being granted.

So THANK YOU.

And yes, let's not stop praying, making duas, that He keeps granting the best to everyone, inshaAllah.

Signing off,
Dr Girl (who actually cares)

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Crossing multiple time zones, from USA to UK to MY.

On the way back from KLIA yesterday..

Ayah: Awak panas ke? Okay kita bukak pintu bagi sejuk sikit.

*bukak pintu kereta atas dashboard*


Pure moment of #dadjokes I tell you! Well to be fair Ayah can be very good at that. He even laughs at his own jokes so you kinda feel rude no to.

Anyways, #ayahjokes means I'm home, Alhamdulillah! I mean, that sort of home, not the kind of home you refer to just because you've been living in the UK for far too long that even a week in The States made you feel glad to be back. (I referred UK as "home" to the UK immigration officer in which she replied in genuine adoration, awh, it's nice that you think UK as home). Made me think twice, I must say. 

Also, USA has been nothing short of awesome! Move aside Amsterdam, New York is taking over. My favourite city has always been Amsterdam, been there twice, don't mind going there again. But now I must say I really fell in love with New York! To be fair it's a little not too clever to compare between the two given the size and geographical location.. I know, I know. But girl don't care. (girl don't care, another new frequently said phrase I picked somewhere). Have to blog about it at some point, but in general, it's a lot of this,

Selfies!

Getting a 6s before actually going there was probably one of the best decisions I have made this year.

Since USA deserves a whole series of its own, I'll leave it at that. Just another great news to share then - I've got my job rotations already! Aaanddd... Yes.... I did pick the same one as A.. Which means.. Yes... We are so gonna be colleagues weehoo!! *throws confetti everywhere*

*nervous laugh follows*

It's only going to be for four months, but it's the first four months in Northampton, my very first job ever! I'm very determined not to call him every time I need to put cannulas on, hmmphh!

A lot of good things have been happening Alhamdulillah, can't praise enough to Him for making this happen. Meanwhile let's keep praying for more good things inshaAllah.

(By now I'm sure you guys noticed that I'm a firm believer of prayers. I really am, they're sharp-shooting bullets that never miss!)

So keep making du'as people!!