Sunday, January 22, 2017

Something warm and fuzzy.

There's something about living abroad thousands of miles away from home, just the two of you - just him, and you. 

It can be pretty lonely, it can seem like an endless journey with no definite destination, and at times, it can be really frustrating. 

But it's mostly amazing. The love that you have for each other, is a different kind of love. It's the tenderness, the affection, the morning snuggles on a frosty Sunday morning when you have to work for a 13-hour shift, knowing full well that none of us really wants to do that. 

It's knowing that we're in this together, lonely or not. Alone, we can be lonely together, can't we?

Adam was about to snuggle up to me one night, when I suddenly shoved a bolster into him and turned the other way. I was half-asleep (with somehow very good reflex) so of course I didn't remember anything. 

So when he told me this the next morning, we laughed. He even acted out the whole thing again - there we were, two perfectly grown adults on a foreign land far far away from home - jumping in bed, re-enacting the scene that wouldn't even mean much to others. But at that moment, at that very moment, it felt like we belong here. We belong together, and that's all that matters.

It's just warmth and fuzziness. 

I have a habit of tickling his feet in the morning when they stick out of the duvet (he's just got really long legs!), and he would shuffle, sometimes even wiggle his toes, half-asleep. 

The same as how he likes to snuggle up to me at night, and hold me close when I'm asleep. I don't think he even realises doing it, especially in the middle of the night - I'm a light sleeper, he's the complete opposite, totally comatosed. Still, he'd give me soft pats as if trying to put me back to sleep.

(Basically we really like each other when one of us is asleep.)

I suppose that's the thing about the togetherness in us. Lonely or not, we're in this, together. 


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Sugar talks.

I want cakes. I know I usually just tweet about it but this time I might as well write. 

Cakes. The way of life. 

Speaking of, last time when we went back to Malaysia, we had a deep discussion about sugar, health and all sweet things. 

What you must know is that Adam selaaaaalu bantai I sebab suka makan cake and ice cream. And unhealthy things in general. Dulu kat KMB dia siap sorokkan air tin Nescafe sebab I suka sangat minum coffee. Ada sekali tu dia bagitau our other classmate suruh pesan kat I jangan makan banyak sangat. Kemain.

So sama lah lepas kawen pun. Kadang2 risau sebab Bella suuuuuka makan cake. Adam takberapa sangat sweet things. Dia suka anything cold, rather. Particularly yogurt.

Anyways, kitorang balik Malaysia check blood sugar masing2. Curious. Alang2 ada test strip kat rumah Umi. 

And guess what? My fasting sugar was 4.7! For someone yang memang sweet tooth, that's pretty impressive. Adam? 5.9, amek ha. To be fair dia makan kerepek pisang just before testing, but still..

So we agreed, I memang suka benda manis, tapi I sangat particular pasal sugar intake on things that I can control. Eg, 3in1 drinks. Especially coffee ones. They're loaded with sugar sebab nak counter pahit coffee tu supaya jadi lemak2 berkrim. 

I stop herbalife dulu pun sebab conscious dengan sugar dia :( 

Ada sekali at some point I quit sugar cold turkey. Kalau boleh memang aim less than 4 teaspoon per day - including makanan dalam packet. Note that I memang jaaaaaarang letak gula dalam minuman macam coffee (again), so most of my sugar intake dari packet/prepared food je. 

Simple tips yang I practice bila nak beli makanan kat kedai dalam packet/bungkusan untuk tengok kandungan gula. 

1. Tengok under "carbohydrate, of which sugar" dia berapa per 100 gram. As a ground rule, 4g sama dengan satu sudu kecik gula. Anything less than 4g is considered low sugar, anything above 20g is high in sugar. 5 sudu kecik bak hang. And kalau fikir balik, 20g sugar per 100g, 1/5 kandungan makanan tu ialah gula semata!

2. Tengok order of ingredients. It's a regulation rasanya, that manufacturer kena letak ingredients in order of significance. So kadang2 tu kalau beli juice atau kordial, tengok ingredients list, contohnya - Water, sugar, blackcurrant extract, etc.. Maksudnya gula dia lagi significant dari actual juice. Sama dengan coffee 3in1 (lagi, sebab I memang suka minum kopi), ada satu produk tu ingredients in order dia adalah - Creamer, sugar, coffee..... Last2 baru dia letak herba ke apa entah. Kat laaaaast sekali! (Ni brand kopi yang market untuk kesihatan). Hm, maksudnya herba atau bahan2 untuk sihat dalam kopi tu sikit sangat. Instead dia hanyalah kopi, creamer campur gula. Harga pun boleh tahan. 

I have nothing against these health products, cuma 3in1 meeeemang kena be careful with. Haritu masa buat elektif kat klinik kesihatan, ada new diagnosis of diabetes, umur baru 27. Puncanya suuuuka minum 3in1, siap tambah susu pekat lagi. Minum kopi sihat ok, bukan Nescafe biasa2 tu. 

Rakyat Malaysia makan kat kedai dah la minum air manis (teh ais sedap please!), kat rumah pun nak tambah lagi manis. And makanan ruji kita nasi, which is carbohydrate yang akan bertukar kepada gula kalau tak convert jadi tenaga (exercise). Simple but often overlooked. Semua menyumbang ke arah kencing manis.

Ke arah 2017 yang lebih sihat, marilah lebih conscious dengan apa yang kita beli/makan. Slow2, lama2 terbiasalah. Take it from someone yang hantu cake ni :)

Dr. Bella.

Sunday, January 1, 2017


Good gosh it's been a year since I last blogged!


It's been a month, precisely. And I miss this space more than anything! I feel like I'm slowly detaching from the online world (my blog!) and it's really bugging me!

I should probably make a wrap of 2016 like normal people do when it gets to new year, but sadly my reflecting skill has gone down steeply after I started, urm, doctoring. Every day is a blur. Suddenly it's like, woah, 2017 already?

But I can tell you what happened since 1st December 2016..


This little one has grown so much since last time!


It's a SeedBoy!

Yeap, it's a he. And this little guy has been kicking around more than ever. It's the funniest feeling because whenever Adam comes near my tummy to say hi, he remains quiet. And I often make random remarks like "Seed says hi", "Seed just wakes up", etc when he goes on a kicking spree. Oh well I guess Adam can wait a bit longer to feel those.

Pregnancy-wise, I can no longer sleep on my back without waking up ache-free the next day. And I can no longer fit into regular trousers - yes I'm currently wearing one of those hideous maternity trousers, at 20 weeks - cringe! I get nauseated very easily on car rides, not so much on a plane. And the scariest thing is that I forget things and do silly mistakes all the time - not sure if it's the pregnancy or just me. :(

Work-wise, I'm currently doing Paediatrics (kids!). It's a lot less taxing than Surgery, but of course, I still want to quit. Let's leave it at that.

Life-wise, I realised that Adam and I are still the loving couple that we are. We've been married for more than 4 years, yet we're still as clingy to each other.  We always joke about how both of us don't really have best friends apart from each other, but I'm not saying this lightly - be each other's best friend. Love might come in waves, but the friendship always remains. And with friendship, there's always love in it.

So yes, 2017 is going to bring a pretty big change, inshaAllah. 

Game on, baby. (quite literally)

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Double lines.

It was an ordinary day off for both of us. I was going through a lot of random (and some, expired) things in my vanity drawer. A couple of pregnancy tests included.

They were actually dated back in 2014!

So truth is, we decided to take the plunge about a month earlier.

This was the game-changing night. I actually did a serious research on maternity leave for junior doctors on NHS – very honestly –  because I wanted to find a legit reason to stay on my current visa but not work.

A baby is a much welcomed bonus.

I figured out a plan, calculated the risks and all, and decided we should just do it. So the next morning I spilled everything to Adam, in which he thought it was actually a good plan.

Now note this, I have been on contraception, IUD (copper coil) for most of our married life. Hence why the question “Where’s the baby?” didn’t really affect us all that much. We knew we couldn’t really afford to have them too, what with the long-distance marriage and all. In fact, the initial plan was to wait for another year until I finish my FY1 and be fully registered with GMC (i.e. fully licensed doctor). That would mean conceiving sometime around December-January. But work proves to be tough, that I couldn’t justify putting off having something that we’ve been wanting for so long, for some career plan that I’m not even passionate about.

Babies – yes, that I’m very much interested in, thank you.

So on to the day when I tested positive.

The night before, I toyed with the idea of testing with the expired stick with Adam. He wasn’t too keen with the idea, I mean, it’s expired, it wouldn’t mean much.

But girl don’t care.

Both sticks turned positive the next morning. Ahh, this is something!

Adam was still asleep in bed when I teased him, “Guess who’s going to be daddy?”. And guess what’s his first response?

“Did you use the expired tests?”

Such anti-climax this guy. Of course la, he knew that’s the only tests that we had.

“Should we go to Morrisons now to get a new test?”

Haha this guy too cute! Well to be honest if you ask me, I had a feeling that I’ve been pregnant quite a while before that. It’s something that I just, well, knew. So this positive test, albeit expired, pretty much confirmed it. But Adam is a man of logic. The only way to confirm it is by doing another test – a valid one.

And that, too, showed positive result.

Over the moon? Yes. But more like super duper ultimately grateful. We are so eternally grateful for this little one growing in my tummy, Alhamdulillah.

And to me, personally, things finally make sense. It has been a wonderful four years together – travelling, graduating, becoming a doctor, that now, having a little one feels only right. It's still a long way to go, just like the long list of baby names we have been accumulating over the last couple of years (without even actually trying, ha!), but inshaAllah it's going to be an amazing one.

*rubs tummy* (actually full of Nando's, more than anything).

Friday, November 25, 2016


I was going to write about how we came around to finally decide on having a little one after years of being married. But for now I just want to be real, keeping this space as real as I can. No one likes to be around people who whine complain moan (insert all negativities here). I know I don't (didn't?). Somehow that's what my life has come to.

I came home from work crying last night. More like sobbing. Halfway through the walk home, I realised how all these while me being so stressed with work - it's unfair to people around me. To Adam. To Seed.

I only care about myself that I never really think the fact that I'm carrying another human being in me. I started the pregnancy all geared up, wanting the best for the little one. Unfortunately I got lost somehow that I thought, if I were going to survive this work, I have to do things differently.

And that something means taking a toll on Seed. I drink coffee - fully caffeinated - to survive another day of work. I purposely didn't take the tablets as I had such a short time between dinner and sleep, and they can make me feel uncomfortable - I value my comfort and sleep more than this little one's needs. I eat junks to keep going through the day - no more healthy home-made sandwiches - who even got time to make that when you're constantly on-call? 

And worst of all, I get so stressed and angry and bitter that I didn't even think how it might affect the baby I'm carrying.

So last night I cried. I cried for the times I raised my voice to another person on the phone when they get rude. I cried for the foul words I have been using every time something didn't go the way they should be. I cried for the times I subconsciously rub my tummy while my mind is fully occupied with other things, not really out of love for this little one. 

I cried for the outbursts I often lash out to Adam when I get frustrated. I cried for the house chores that I simply refused to do because I'm completely knackered by the end of the day. I cried for the times when I couldn't tell Adam how much I love him, how much I am thankful to have him by my side, simply because I couldn't let my guard down. I cried for the lack of person that I have become.

I am less of a wife, let alone a mom, all in the name of work. And I am nowhere near a good doctor. 

The saddest part? I don't even want to be one.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Bun in the oven.

Meet Seed, people.

Seed is a tiny tot currently kicking away doing summersault happily in my tummy, very oblivious to the nausea and vomit and sickness that his/her mom is having.

So yeah, I am pregnant. Just going into 2nd trimester now.

I wasn't sure when to tell people about Seed, but these days (and weeks, and months!) my life has been about him/her - I've been rather unwell from the pregnancy - that it's really hard to blog without mentioning a word about this little one!

Some of you might have guessed from the crazy cravings - ayam penyet, keli balado, sambal tempe (Seed is going to be pure Malay, I tell you) and vomiting, but other than that.. I pretty much look like I was pre-pregnancy. Well, other than the constant tiredness, heartburn, nausea, headache, and urm, everything else possible.

Love your mom, guys. Not even saying this lightly.

Anyways, on to Seed - we named him/her Seed for now as when we first found out that I was pregnant, s/he was the size of a poppy seed. Initially we wanted to go for Poppy, but if it's a boy.. He won't be too happy for the nick I guess. So we settled for Seed. (I wanted Faith or Hope, but that's a different story..)

Yes, like Final Fantasy!

Our KMB classmate, Mau, suggested the name Cloud - go figure. This baby is going places with names. Although I must admit Cloud sounds kinda cool.

All in all, Alhamdulillah - that's the only word to describe how we feel all these while. 

Doakan yang baik2, inshaAllah. :)