Thursday, September 14, 2017

Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You were thrashing your head violently last night
I tried to stop you with all my might
And of course you just had to fight
Do you know that it broke my heart
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You cried for no reason yesterday
You refused milk, didn't want cuddles, let alone play
In the end you just wanted me to stay
So I lied next to you wiping your tears away
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You had a very short nap this afternoon
Too short, you woke up a little too soon
And cried so hard it's out of tune
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You pooped your clothes just now
Pretty sure it leaked elsewhere too, it smelled so foul
It's a lot of cleaning, not that I don't know how
But the antibiotics.. They make your bums red and raw
Do you know that it broke my heart?
Motherhood is hard.

Hey N,
You're sound asleep as I write this
Your little chest rises and falls, your hand in a fist
Your eyelids flickered as I gave you a kiss
This moment, this very moment, is such a bliss.

Hey N,
You won't be small forever, and I won't always be here
You'll stop being a baby, but I'm always going to be a mother.

Yes some days I really wanted out
Just a little break, even if it's not worth a shout
Of course it's not always possible, what are we talking about.

Still,

It doesn't matter how much it breaks my heart
Because we both know, motherhood is hard.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

A love-hate relationship.

I have a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding.

You know how some people are really hard on #breastisbest? I stick to my guns - #fedisbest. Not breastfeeding doesn't make you less of a mother. If you google why breastfeeding is awesome, yo'll get million hits, so I'm not gonna go into that - but I'll tell you why it's quite a complex relationship in my case. 

1. It's a whole lot of physical contact.
I'm a solitary person by nature. That didn't change when I got married, and that certainly didn't change once we had Noah. Having another tiny human physically attached to you feels slightly overwhelming. And it's mutual! Noah takes after me - he's not a cuddly baby much. So once he's had his meal, he'd fuss to be put down (or sit up!), not wanting to be cuddled. There goes mummy's boy!

2. It can be messy.
It used to be messy from all the milk dribbles (which sometimes is pretty cute, admittedly), now it's more of the fact that his eczema flare makes his head a weepy ball of mess. It's heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and, unfortunately, rather icky all the same.

3. It's automatically "he's hungry" every time he cries.
Every. Single. Time. Cry? Wants milk. Not falling asleep? Hungry for milk. Whiny? Maybe give more milk? My logic is this - if he's being bottle-fed, would you give another bottle if you know that he's had 3oz an hour ago? Probably not. So stop saying he's hungry whenever he cries. He's a baby, crying is the only way for him to communicate. And I will never hand him over to someone if I know he's hungry, what kind of mother would I be?

4. It's always my fault that I'm not careful with what I eat.
Breastfeeding itself is hard enough, now it's my fault that I'm not watching what I eat. Not pooping? You don't eat enough fibre. New rashes? That's why la, eat seafood some more. Cranky? You eat too spicy, now tummy ache. Baby always cranky (see above)? Eat so little where got enough milk.

5. It's unnerving to other people caring for him.
Admittedly, breastfed babies tend to be more clingy to their mothers. Noah is pretty much the same, but he's actually quite chill and predictable. His life is really simple - milk, some play time, nap. Repeat the cycle. But since he's being breastfed, no one can really guess how much he takes in one serving, this makes people nervous just in case there's not enough milk (expressed) at home when I go out. Or simply to be left with him without me around, in general.

Note that I didn't put the night wakings in there - it's something that I have come to term with long ago. Especially now when he wakes up more from the itching and discomfort rather than actual hunger.

Having said all of the above,  I love every single minute when he's gulping down all the milk he could get, usually no more than 7 minutes, ha! It's like our private little moment where nothing else matters to him, all he had in his mind is milk. And milk comes from mummy, therefore he needs mummy.

I also love the convenience of not having to lug hot water and bottles around when we go out, although this kinda backfires a little since I can hardly got out without him, haha.

Never mind, as long as he's growing big and healthy, (he sure is, weighing 7.4kg at 3.5 months, whoa!), it's all that matters. And I have no intention of stopping, just hoping that he will outgrow his eczema and allergies (if there's even one) soon enough so that I could eat everything again!