He loves me, he loves me not. F it. I love him. So?

Yesterday during lunch, my two colleagues were arguing if I should have a boyfriend at my age now.

“She’s too young, she hasn’t even seen half of the world yet, why limit herself to one?”

“Okay what? It’s not like his boyfriend is some drug dealer high school dropper or what, what’s wrong with having a boyfriend?”

Then I remember once a friend told me that I am like Summer, in 500 Days of Summer.

Yes, I always tell people that I find the phrase ‘Happily ever after’ disturbing. I used to tell my girlfriends that no matter how much they love their boyfriends, spare more of that love for themselves. And one of them actually replied back, “So kau pun macam tu lah?” (referring to my own relationship)

Huyoh, speechless jugak lah time tu. Yela, I think the whole world (those in my world okay) knows how much I was in love. To the extent my Biology teacher asked, “Bella, are you in love?”

Despite my huge visible obvious love, I still believe that one should not stay in a relationship if they don’t feel like it. You can take all the pain and heartbreaks because you love someone, but even the biggest most expensive multi-billion dollar mansion cannot make up of a tiny mistake once the love is gone.

Okay, I’m exaggerating. Money DOES buy happiness, and that includes love. Although fake ones.

Recently one of my friends got back together with her ex (they have been on a superduperuber platonic relationship I’m not even sure if he’s an EX). Then another friend is having a secret love affair with this girl whom he has been adoring since past few years, and now it’s mutual, only it happens that the girl already have a boyfriend.

So that makes two of them – in a relationship, legal or not, lain kira.

Love freaks me out. I can either stand tall on my own, or fall endlessly with someone I love.

And there is always ‘What ifs’. What if he doesn’t love me back? What if he doesn’t love me the way I love him? What if I find someone better? What if HE DOES? OMG.

Then there’s this word FOREVER.

I love the word FOREVER. It sounds like, you know, FOREVER. It makes you believe that there is such thing as FOREVER – something that will keep on going, endless, eternity. Oh, I also love the word ETERNITY by the way.

I love you FOREVER

But FOREVER is over

Only that I feel FOREVER is so abused. We all die one day. So what’s with FOREVER? How can you love someone forever when you yourself are not going to last anyway? Minus the afterlife, I see forever as something vague.

I love you forever.

Friendship forever.

Whatever-there-is forever.

It’s like, how do you know if someone is THE ONE? That they will be FOREVER with you. That you don’t find the OTHER one. That you won’t one day just bumped into ANOTHER ‘the one’. For now, they might be The One. Then come some other ONE. Truth is, they are just The NEXT One.

And that’s why FIRST LOVE is so overrated. Because there will be the second, third, fourth, and the list goes on. So FIRST LOVE is actually just a pioneer, a starter. Of course, it DOES mean something, because it’s actually the very first time you found yourself in love. And so? There’s next, and next, and.. Lucky to those who found their first love and marry them. Then they can have their first and last and only love.

But then again, marriage itself doesn’t bring you any closer to FOREVER. Well, if you get what I mean.

So fall in love, savor the feelings, enjoy the butterflies in the stomach, shed the tears.

They might not be your FOREVER, neither THE ONE, but they might worth every second of it.

 

Because no one lives FOREVER.