I'm longing. For some unknown reasons, I've been longing for things that I don't know what. Things, including people, places, or perhaps, just literally things.
Again, it's almost 3 and I'm still awake when I know that I should be sleeping now since Yana is coming over tomorrow at 7. Yes, my very own BFF Yana. I'm all hyped, excited, very much looking forward to it, but tonight.. I don't know. Things don't seem to be at their places.
Yes, it's true. Don't get too happy and excited over something, else you would be crushed down to the core with a slightest hint of disappointment. You dare risk yourself flying up high, hoping for something full of uncertainties, then you should be able to take the risk of crashing down to Earth in split second.
But now I don't know what was I so excited about. The fact that I finally get to meet Yana? Yes, by all means. But not to the extend that it's unhealthy for me. There's something that has been bugging me, worrying me, something that I don't have a single clue about.
Could it just be me? The one who thinks too much, dwells in the past too much, worries too much. But what am I worrying about, I don't know. The past? Well, I'm good at forgetting certain things, or at least, keep them safely locked and guarded high in a corner deep down my heart.
I've changed over the year. So much change til I'm not sure of what I've become now. I'm highly guarded. Sometimes I prevent myself from being happy and just savor the moments. I worry on unnecessary things. I often remind myself on how unfair life could be, and how I should be very cautious whenever something good happens. Basically, I become cautious over almost everything.
And that makes me a pessimist. Way more pessimistic than before. Once, I used to think that I'm being rational. Now I think pessimist is the best word to explain my current state.
Once I knew I could rule the world. Now I'm not too sure if I could even rule my head, or my heart.