When I am deeply hurt.

When I'm deeply hurt, I cry. I bury my face into the pillow and cry my heart out. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep that the next day I wake up with swollen eyes, bloated face and red nose. I might wake up feeling better, or I might just go on crying on the next day, only this time, not too hard.

When I'm deeply hurt, I play very loud music and have my ears stuck with headphones. The songs, however, do not have to be the head-banging ones, slow sad songs usually work better. I may not cry, but I would sing along and be in my own world.

When I'm deeply hurt, I would look for my comfort zones. Sometimes I would tell them immediately that I am very sad, sometimes I don't, and keep on rambling on some random stuff. But usually they could tell. And when they start to smell the fish, that's when I break down into tears. There are also times when I call them up and just cry, without any explanation. They would understand.

When I'm deeply hurt, I shut myself from others if I couldn't find my comfort zones. I refuse to talk, to listen, or to even see others. I would be on my own, surrounded by my own thoughts, sometimes unnecessary thoughts that might just hurt me more. But I don't care, I just prefer to be on my own.

When I'm deeply hurt, I run. I literally run. Ears plugged with headphones, I would run til I tire myself out. Sometimes I run with a straight, cold-looking face, but sometimes I would run with tears streaming down my face. Most of the times, the former comes before the latter, which means, both happen.

When I'm deeply hurt, I take a hot shower. And cry hard under the running water. I wouldn't feel the tears coming out, so it makes me feel better. It makes me feel stronger, like nothing could hurt me. When the fact is that I would still be crying. I just can't see my own tears.

When I'm deeply hurt, I distract myself by doing the chores, mostly cleaning and organizing things in my room. They could be well-organized already, but I would still rearrange them, do some unnecessary cleaning and tidying, just to occupy myself. But I would feel way better if they're in a mess because then I could see the difference before and after.

When I'm deeply hurt, I write. I write random things, I write on things that are hurting me, anything. I simply write. If I feel they're a bit too personal, then I'll just let Izleen read them without posting on my blog. But if I feel they're harmless, well, I don't mind letting the world know that I am hurting.

When I'm deeply hurt, I react differently towards  different people. I might avoid most, be indifferent to some, and look for the very few. I might show it, I might say it out loud, or I might just let it pass and act like nothing happened. I might still be considerate, that when others come to me and share their sad stories I could still listen with empathy while me myself is still hurting, or I might just ditch them off and be selfish, plain selfish.

But when I'm deeply hurt and I couldn't look straight into your eyes, well, that's when you need to be careful.

Because I might just be hurt by you.