I'm a planner. Not so much of an executor. I take more time to plan than to make it happen. And that is why I love to be random. Because for sure things will happen. Think less, do more.
But when you're going abroad and you have tonnes of things to do especially regarding your university and sponsorship thingy, being random is the last thing you need. Things get even more menggelabah when you have your loved one here to spend the time with, and you automatically become mengada-ngada wanting to cling with him, do things with him, and better, the same goes to him.
Unfortunately, he doesn't have all his time for you, he has his own things to do. And there goes, you need plans. When to do this, when to do that. Ramadhan is here, we honestly feel that seeing each other too often isn't a good idea. So, how?
Worse, I just got back from my uncle's place in Bangi, after helping him to clear his newly-bought land. Yes, I became a peneroka for a day. Penat? MashaAllah. I fell asleep there, at the site itself, came home to eat and had another 3 hours of sleep. Straight. Last night, I slept as early as 10 PM, and still sleepy.
Think I've become a sleeping machine. (I was an eating machine, no kidding)
Would you be my lifetime companion? Well, I want to be more than that, your lifetime companion and in the afterlife, in Jannah, inshaAllah.
It’s easy to picture someone being our lifetime companion if we set aside unexpected very unlikely factors. You grow old together, awwhh, sweet much, no?
But what if one of you ages faster than the other? Are you still willing to stay with them and still be their lifetime companion?
A Moment to Remember, a tear-inducing Korean movie starred by Son Ye-jin and Jung Woo-sung (whoever on Earth they are) is a story of love and loss. A slow and painful loss.
The woman, Su Jin first met Chul Soo by chance over a misunderstanding of a Cola drink. Later, they found themselves in love, but kept it secret due to the differences of their social status.
Few times did Su Jin ask Chul Soo to marry her (yes, it’s the girl asking for the boy) but Chul Soo said no, mostly because he wasn’t sure if he could treat her well, and they wouldn't be happy as she was born rich while he’s just a mere carpenter. But after an incident, they both settled for a marriage.
Honestly I would say they picture a simple and beautiful married life. From a playful couple, Su Jin turned into a very good wife, determined to cater to her husband with all her heart. Same goes to the husband. Everything was picture-perfect, indeed.
Until one day Su Jin was diagnosed with Alzheimer disease and started to show the symptoms. She started to forget things, incidents started to happen. And while her forgetfulness became more and more obvious, there was one time when she called Chul Soo by the name of her ex-lover, which later caused her an overwhelming pang of guilt til she decided to leave her husband, because she couldn’t bear the idea of hurting him.
The direct translation of the movie title from Korean to English is "Eraser in My Head", which explains everything.
Now what would you do if you were the husband? Watching your partner leave would be painful, but staying with her would come with a very high price to pay. Apart from taking care of her medical needs, you would also have to bear the heartbreak if one day she simply asks who you are, and demands on having her ex-lover back, there and then.
And what would you do if you were the wife? You know your husband still has a long way to go, are you going to let yourself drag him down, be the constraint you never wish you’d be? Is your love strong enough to set him free and not burden him? Well, when you love someone, you wouldn’t want them to be hurt, no?
Watching is easy, imagining it as well. But I feel that this movie triggers me to think of some possibilities that might happen beyond our control. Working a relationship is a choice, but this is definitely not within our power. You picture forever with your partner. With an Alzheimer, forever isn’t the most beautiful thing in a relationship.
Would you still be their lifetime companion? Would you still keep the vows you made when you decided to get married? What if you are someone young with full of ambitions and dreams, would you sacrifice all that for the sake of love?
Despite the so-so ending, I would say this movie is a must-watch for those considering a serious relationship with their current partner, especially for doctors. (since it’s Alzheimer-medical-related)
I'm longing. For some unknown reasons, I've been longing for things that I don't know what. Things, including people, places, or perhaps, just literally things.
Again, it's almost 3 and I'm still awake when I know that I should be sleeping now since Yana is coming over tomorrow at 7. Yes, my very own BFF Yana. I'm all hyped, excited, very much looking forward to it, but tonight.. I don't know. Things don't seem to be at their places.
Yes, it's true. Don't get too happy and excited over something, else you would be crushed down to the core with a slightest hint of disappointment. You dare risk yourself flying up high, hoping for something full of uncertainties, then you should be able to take the risk of crashing down to Earth in split second.
But now I don't know what was I so excited about. The fact that I finally get to meet Yana? Yes, by all means. But not to the extend that it's unhealthy for me. There's something that has been bugging me, worrying me, something that I don't have a single clue about.
Could it just be me? The one who thinks too much, dwells in the past too much, worries too much. But what am I worrying about, I don't know. The past? Well, I'm good at forgetting certain things, or at least, keep them safely locked and guarded high in a corner deep down my heart.
I've changed over the year. So much change til I'm not sure of what I've become now. I'm highly guarded. Sometimes I prevent myself from being happy and just savor the moments. I worry on unnecessary things. I often remind myself on how unfair life could be, and how I should be very cautious whenever something good happens. Basically, I become cautious over almost everything.
And that makes me a pessimist. Way more pessimistic than before. Once, I used to think that I'm being rational. Now I think pessimist is the best word to explain my current state.
Once I knew I could rule the world. Now I'm not too sure if I could even rule my head, or my heart.
So I've watched Hanna with Ara after a series of movie dates cancellation with Adam. (yes, they're all my bad, I was the one who couldn't keep my words). But hey, I was super glad that I didn't watch it with him, since that kind of movie is so not his cup of tea. Me? Well, not much, but I quite like the soundtracks, so that kinda make up to the flat story line.
Oops. Did I just mentioned a flat story line? Well I did, because it is. There's not much of a climax in this movie, but I think it is still enjoyable. If you find Salt (Angelina Jolie) watchable, then you might find Hanna worthwhile too. But this doesn't apply to my brother who thinks Salt was awesome because there's Jolie in it, but the story line sucks real bad. I guess because Salt doesn't really have a clear plot on the climax. All Jolie does in the movie is changing identity.
And the same goes to Hanna.
All she does is running. Yes, literally running. The movie is about Hanna, a girl who was genetically modified since she was still a bunch of cells. She was built to be strong and tough, have less mercy, feel no pain, intensified senses and every good quality there could be in a soldier. Which well, she is. All those while she was raised in an isolated snowy part of Germany, until one day she decided to reveal herself. Being highly sought after due to her 'abnormalities', she has to keep on running to escape from those who want to capture her. So basically, yes, this movie is about a girl escaping some bad guys and killing everyone who gets in her way.
But there are still some witty parts especially between Hanna and her newly-found British friend, Sophie (she's a bimbo). Sophie carries an image of a typical blonde with heavy British accent (imagine Cordelia, played by Selena Gomez in Monte Carlo but a bit more lovable than that). Try to put a small little fighter next to a bimbo, well, that's not too hard to imagine, isn't it?
Overall, though I found myself pretty enjoying the movie, I must say that the movie is not for everyone. If you can't handle murders and assassins and guns and fights and of course, massive pool of blood, then don't. One thing for sure, the suspense and thrills in this movie are well intensified by the soundtracks. Perhaps I enjoyed the music more than the movie. But this movie really gave me almost 2 hours of nervousness and chills, apart from the awesome music.
Usually, in a battle between the head and the heart, the heart would win. Leaving the head full of unheard ignored rational thoughts that could just make things better, if not easier. What happen to the heart? Well, depends. If it wins with a glorious victory, then everything would be floating. But if it wins with major bruises and tears and cuts, well, there goes. Poor little heart trying to savor the slightest meaning of victory.
Everyone has their own secrets. Something they would never share even to the person they know they would die for. Having secrets are everyone's right, no? Like how we have been shouting for the right to speak, to voice out. I think the same goes to keeping your mouth shut. If everyone's is eager to speak, who's going to listen?
But we see things differently. What means the world to me might not bother you an inch. My biggest secrets, perhaps, are something that you can simply laugh over with your friends at the coffee table.
The dispute between the heart and the head (H's) has been long known in myself. But in the end, I am still the one making the decisions. Right or wrong, I have both H's to do the judgment.
But what if the dispute involves some other third party? i.e. Someone else, a person. Worse, if that person is actually SOMEONE, not just anyone. How do we justify things? Our H's are only ours, what about their H's, ever given it a thought?
We say we love them, but we do things that hurt them. Why? Because in our own judgment, both H's agree that what we are doing is fine, if not the most right thing to do. But how do they justify our act of hurting them when all they feel is hurt, how would they believe us when we say we care for them?
There goes. Another dispute. We do things that might not seem wrong to us, but hurtful to the others. But at the same time we claim that we care for them, when the fact is, we are hurting them. Question is, are we aware that we are hurting them when it doesn't feel so on our side?
We see things differently. And differences are not always pretty. Yes it makes life more interesting. But sometimes the interesting parts don't come easy.
Are you willing to sacrifice your own self to be on the safe side of the game? Or would you rather stand for what you believe in, and take the risk of not winning?
If you lose, you might not end up having enemies. But you'll still lose. And that could mean losing everything. All at once.
Funny how one year really changed me into somewhat a survivor up for any challenges and at the same time, a coward who refuses changes.
I'm scared. Each time I picture myself leaving this place and starting over at a new place, with new people, meeting unfamiliar faces, I'm all freaked out. Scared. Creepy.
What happened merely a year ago really knocked me down. It hit me hard. I might seem okay all those while but no, I wasn't.
Now when people ask me how things are going, I would just shove it off. No I'm not excited. My MARA agreement has been there on the table for almost a month by now. And I haven't made any serious attempts to get my medical checkup done. The most dreaded question - Bila fly?
Once, I dreaded that question because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to in the nearest time. Uncertainties. Expectations, hopes, and finally, disappointments.
Now, I dread the question simply because I honestly dread the idea of taking off. Man how freaked out I am, for some unknown reasons!
You can say I'm being ungrateful and mengada3 and bajet cool dah dapat fly lepas tu gelabah taknak walhal dulu nangis3 takleh fly.
I'm afraid of the changes, I'm afraid of being lonely. I'm scared that I would feel out of place once I'm there. I'm scared to leave my comfort zone here.
I honestly feel that no one would expect this coming out from me a year ago. I know I seem confident, outgoing, and the campaklah-kat-mana-pun-inshaAllah-hidup type. But deep inside, I'm just a girl trying to make the best of whatever I have, and once I have it, it's very hard for me to let it go and start over.
May Allah guide me through this path. And may this be the right choice for me.
(entry sedapkan hati nak pergi settlekan agreement MARA esok)
Haven't written much, lately. Despite having extremely hectic magical days full of wonders with loved ones, I still can't find anything to write about. Or perhaps I'm too occupied by them that I couldn't spare the time with my precious white Pavi.
So here goes, since last week.
Monday, 11/07/2011;
Adam made a homecoming surprise at PV8. With a bouquet of roses. Nangis T_T
Tuesday, 12/07/2011;
Me and Adam went to KMB, a surprise visit for the teachers.
Thursday, 14/07/2011;
Awesome short outing/gathering with Ezzad, KN, Shahir, Wani, and her collegemate, Puteri. Nabilah Aisyah was there too!
Friday, 15/07/2011;
Had fun idling around with Nabilah at PV8. Waking up late, gossiping, and such. Just be home. During the night, Pja, Haifa and Bedah came. Pre-departure, anyone? ;)
Saturday, 16/07/2011;
Off to Terengganu with Adam for Ms Naz's wedding. I left the the house early morning, the girls haven't even woke up! Bad hostess I am :(
Sunday, Monday, 17-18/07/2011;
Cruising East Coast with Adam. Finally back home at PV8 in the evening.
Tuesday, 19/07/2011;
Nabilah insisted on a day out. Johny's Steamboat at Times Square weehoo!
Wednesday, 20/07/2011;
Supposedly our Harry Potter date, but since Ayah is coming home, we are having Arabian food for dinner instead yeay!
Thursday, 21/07/2011;
Date with all time Bestest Freaking Friend Forever, Yana at KLCC!
So that's about it. The funniest thing was when me and Adam were in the East Coast, Terengganu and Kelantan, that is, while Nabilah, Pija and Nadzrul were all in KL! What an irony.
The bride - now you tell me how not to love her.
Flowery Adam.
The awesomeness of us!
Now compare this..
With this. Cacat much.
Nevertheless.. :')
She's veeewyy pweetyy :')
Again :')
Seafood dinner at Dataran Syahbandar, Kuala Terengganu.
I'm no big fan of politics. Neither do I have much knowledge in them. But I've been reading here and there on this BERSIH 2.0 thingy, I won't say I'm a full fan die hard supporter. But frankly.. I've been wondering, why does it happen in the first place? If there's no such need, then there won't be such rage. Kalau takde angin takkan pokok bergoyang, no?
Despite not having an in depth understanding of what's going on, I do care. I care about the roadblocks, how some of us have to cancel their plans and all. I care about the safety, how extremists may just create chaos and casualties might happen in split seconds. But most of all, I care about the unheard voices.
Kalau lah betul semua orang puas hati kat negara ni, kenapa mesti ada such thing as perhimpunan segala? There must be something wrong somewhere. Something that I'm sorry, me myself don't have much knowledge in.
Still, I'm worried on what might happen. The extremists, the ones who follow the lead blindly, not knowing what's the purpose. Mungkin boleh declare darurat anytime je? Tapi kalau tak buat benda macam ni, then sampai bila?
I'm a fully government sponsored student, and for that, I thank whoever created such policy on the sponsorship scholarship whatnot. But I must admit, there are things that evoke my curiosity when it comes to politics. Some of them are good, most of them are fishy, if not bad. The same goes to the opposition. Ada yang buat saya rasa macam sangatlah APAKAH? But that's how politics are played here, no?
Yes I'm already 21. But no, I still haven't decided which side I'm in. There are pros and cons, and I believe I need to do some research and knowledge and whatever there is, before concluding. Following the leaders blindly isn't a solution, there's a dire need in understanding what their cause is all about.
You may say I don't have a stand. But tidak memihak kepada sesiapa secara membuta tuli selagi masih tidak berpengetahuan, isn't that a stand?
To those who are fighting over justice, the right to speak, or whatever there is, I pray that you'll find what you're looking for. To those who are contented and feel that we already have everything we need in this beautiful country of ours, let those who are not speak out. If it is proven that these people are just trying to create a scene and have a hidden propaganda, well, there must be reasons why our PDRM are all over the place, right?
..apabila kita menyokong beberapa idea kerajaan bukan bererti kita musuh pembangkang..apabila kita menyokong beberapa idea pembangkang bukan bererti kita musuh kerajaan..apabila kita mengkritik kerajaan bukan bererti kita bersetuju dengan pembangkang..demikian, apabila kita mengkritik pembangkang bukan bererti kita bersetuju dengan kerajaan..itu adalah hak rakyat yang merdeka untuk menilai sendiri setiap yang terjadi.. - DrMAZA
When you wonder when will you finally accept the fact that they are not yours in the first place, and you would have to let them go willingly. Then it struck you, will yo be prepared by that time?
"You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.
I'm afraid the same goes to friendship. Sometimes it's really hard to tell why you just can't let someone go.. Or in my case, have their own life.. Maybe I'm just being me. Insecure. Selfish. Plain selfish.
As much as I would like to think that June is my month, well, I want to believe that July is, too. The homecoming. InshaAllah.
Last night, it struck me that the person we love is basically 72.8% water. Well oh well. This figure doesn't mean much. What I'm trying to say is, they are basically a person. Someone usual. Manusia. Just like us. How come we see them so great so awhsosome so perfect so IRREPLACEABLE?
There was this FB status posted by a friend of mine. He was saying something on rezeki datang dari Tuhan. And hidup mati jodoh pertemuan semua pun ditentukan oleh Allah. (nashid sikit eheh) The point is, whatever we have, they're all granted by Him. He owns everything, and we are just borrowing. No, I would prefer renting. For we have to pay for whatever we have, which is, by performing ibadah and remembering Him.
So I guess everyone is fine with the idea of renting. When someone you love passed away, you try to console yourself with the phrase "From Allah s/he comes, to Allah s/he returns". No one could deny this. No matter how hurtful it is to lose someone to death, you still have to accept the fact that they are actually not yours, one day they still have to return to their Creator. Allah The Almighty.
But why is it so hard to accept that these people we love are actually not ours in the first place, when it comes to relationship and breakups? We cry hard, we mourn, we lock ourselves in the room trying to figure out what happened. Had s/he found someone else, we wonder a little harder. What happened? Aren't we good enough for them?
Little did we realize that they belong to Allah, in the first place. Like it or not, they are not ours. All the forever mine, yours truly, well, they are words. Just words. To make life seems prettier and more interesting and beautiful.
And did we realize that these people, the awhsosome people we call sweethearts, are actually human too? Human, we make mistakes. We forget, that's what we do. And we are just plain human. Manusia biasa. We deserve to be cheated, to be wronged, to be hurt. We are made that way, fragile, to have feelings. We all get sick, we all die one die, we are all human. But since the wronger and the wronged are both human, both make mistakes, it also means that we deserve to be forgiven.
Yes I'm in love. Separated by thousands miles apart, no it's not easy. He's everything I am not, and vice versa, which sometimes makes things a little bit harder and difficult than they should be. We don't argue much, we just define things differently, see things differently, and of course finally, interpret things differently. Which often leads to non-coherence of conversation topics. And silent treatments.
I tend to forget that I'm actually renting him. But you know, when things like this happened, when things get hard, I would ponder, look back on what happened. It's my choice to stay. To still be where I'm at. And for him still being there despite the hard times, I thank to Allah.
But if one day Allah says no, who am I to defy? I could consider him as one of the blessings that Allah has given me, and if I'm not thankful enough for that, Allah could take him back any time.
Because Allah is Muqallib al-Qulub - The Changer of the Hearts
(I love to say Dia yang membolak-balikkan hati manusia)
And this doesn't only apply to losing the person we love, as if breaking ups, cheats etc, the same goes to losing to death. If we keep on mourning, being sad over what we lost, when will we learn to appreciate what we have? Even better, how do we appreciate things that we learned from the loss?
"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?" Ar-Rahman
Kite menyampah tengok blog orang yang penuh dengan grammatical error, lepas tu lagi nak bajet gempak. Bile stalk lebih sikit, baru tau, baru umo 18 taun senanye, pastu nak bajet kewl letak gambar Avril Lavigne kat side bar, caption sikit punye - People I admirer the most. Damn salah eja tau takk?
Random screenshot
Kite menyampah tengok blog orang yang tak habis3 nak emo, ayat nak dark and broken je. Hey kalau sume orang boleh bentang masalah masing3 atas dance floor and tengok orang lain punye masalah, gerenti korang akan lari kutip masalah korang sendiri sebab taknak terlibat dengan masalah org lain yang lagi dasyat. Belajar bersyukur, please?
Kite menyampah tengok blog orang yang title, banner, sidebar pictures, sume3 lah, gambar boboyfren gegurlfren sekalian. Tapi jarang lah kan nak letak gambar gegurlfren sebab yang buat bende3 macam ni besenye memang gegurl. So gambar boboyfren lah jadi tatapan youolls.
Kite menyampah tengok blog yang gila follower. Macam mane kite tau? Sebab pageview sikit je, tapi follower bersepah. Pastu boleh pulak, "I follow blog you, you follow blog I tau tau tauuu". Hello, setakat nak exchange following mollowing blog baik takpayah.
Kite menyampah tengok blog yang entry syok sendiri. Macam HI YOUOLLLSS! Sorry lah dah lame tak menaip kat sini, busy sikit latelyyy. Mesti youolls rindu I kan kan kannnn? Hihiks. Damn, tak nampak macam ade orang pun kat situ. Sape youolls yang rindu you sangat tuu?
Kite menyampah tengok blog yang letak lagu takleh pause kat blog. Dah la takleh pause, lagu plak Selena Gomez - Who Says. WADDEEE..??? Lagu tu tak sesuai untuk pendengaran orang yg tengah membace, tau takk?? And teori mengatekan kalau reader tgh dengar lagu sendiri while blog-hopping, konfem die akan tutup blog yg ade lagu takleh pause. Heh amek kau.
Kite menyampah tengok blog yang penuh ngan gambar sendiri self-taken pictures. Pastu kat tempat same, background McDonalds takhabis3. Ye, kite tau awak comel, tapi tak perlu lah nak post gambar same rotate 5 degree je beza. Tak memberi ape3 pertambahan kecomelan pun lah.
Lastly, kite tau, bende ni penah jadi isu dulu. Penggunaan itEW, manEW, jEW, aQu, dan yang sewaktu dengannye. Hey sume orang pun menyampah la. Argh, geli geli!
Takk, kite bukan nak discourage orang daripada tulis bahase omputeh, speaking. Tapi belajar lah. Ini kalau tulis sesedap rase sesuke hati menonong je, memang takkan improve lah English tu. Alasan tulis blog in English sebab nak improve grammar, vocab. Tapi kite tengok dari tahun 2009 sampai 2011 same je? Grammatical error itu lah yang asyik duk ulang3. Lepas tu improve celah mane? Lagi satu, kalau malas sangat nak bukak dictionary, ape function grammar/spelling checker dalam Words kat PC tuh? And kalau boleh blog gune tenet, ape salahnye Google tengok struktur ayat tu betul ke tak. Kate belajaaaa.
Petang3 Sabtu membebel pasal blog orang. Gile takde life.
