I'm not okay, but I'm fine.

You see, I don't really tell others when I'm sad. You just have to know. it. Read my "I'm fine" carefully. If you know me well enough, you would know how "fine" I really am.

That's why sometimes I just wish that I'm okay instead of I'm fine. Because I can really be not okay but fine. Meaning that I'm fine with being not okay.

Ha. Kan dah pening tu.

I'm good at faking things. Really. And it helps. A LOT. Or else how do you think I managed to secure a scholarship to do medicine abroad? How do you think I managed to pass all three medical interviews from the universities? Minus the fact that I'm an average in studies (and the fact that I suck real bad at TOK, screw me), I made medical interviews seemed easy. I never had a single passion in medicine. I hated Biology to the core that I had the gut to make the statement "I don't like Bio" in front of the whole class when I was in Form 5. Tak cukup dengan tidur time cikgu mengajar, siap buat statement tak tahan. Yet now here I am, on the pathway of being a doctor (Ameen). I've been faking myself in doing Biology since Form 4, then to do IB preparation for Medicine for another 2 years. There goes five years of my life doing things I don't want to do. And I have like, another five years to go.

Damn I'm a good actress.

...............
(da lupa nak cakap apa senanye)

Oh. Okay. Point asalnya ialah - I'm good at faking things. Repitisi. Penegasan. Huh sengal.

Back to the point when I'm fine with being not okay. Because I'm too used to faking things. I can be nice to the person I really despise. I can pretend that I'm all set and confident, when I am actually nervous and insecure inside. I can be friendly to everyone I meet along the way while wishing I'm invisible so that I wouldn't have to talk to them.

I know it's really hard to comprehend that someone like me who seems to be very outgoing, is actually a very reserved and "leave-me-alone" type.

Kalau dulu selalu orang bising sebab Bella tak angkat call, tak reply message, sekarang dah tak. Sebab orang pun dah malas nak layan dah. T_T

But look, this is me with the person I really sayang.

Moral conversation di atas:

1. I don't simply miss EVERYONE. I don't say I miss someone just because they have been far for quite some time. And you can read from the tone when I really say something. I don't simply say something just because it feels the right and most appropriate thing to say. Like "I miss you too"?
2. I'm full of expression when I'm with someone I care. Those highlighted words aren't for nothing, they indicate what I really feel.
3. The way I type is usually the same as the way I say it - if I mean what I type.
4. I live such a sad life. (see the sentence highlighted in red box)

And you just wasted few minutes of your life reading this pointless entry. (ayat cliche, tapi nak jugak)

I don't know why I wrote this. I guess I'm not okay being far from the people I love, but I'm doing fine. This time it's not faking - it's what we call LIFE. Like it or not, LIFE GOES ON.