Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Six degrees of separation.


First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little

Sixth Degrees of Separation, The Script

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Friday, October 26, 2012

Eid Mubarak.


From Cardiff and London, with love.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Out of place.


How can being at home in our own rooms occasionally Skyping each other exchanging random notes be more fun than going out with the wrong people and feel sooo out of place?

And better yet, listening to each other bursting into laughter across the room whenever we saw something funny online, mainly because we know what the joke is about.

This space is a bliss.






"One thing that I really love about Belfast is how I could be a stranger as much as I want, without the fear of being judged."

"What if you move there, will you still be a stranger? Or will you end up feeling out of place too?"

Monday, October 22, 2012

Happiness is a funny thing.


I posted the short version of this song sometime last year, but now that I found the extended version (SLOWPOKE yes I know), I feel the need to post it again.

No I don't have any relationship issues, not at the moment at least lol. But this song never failed to give me an overwhelming pang of sadness everytime I put it on loop.

Many say I'm blessed to be married to an awesome guy (okay I made up that awesome part) at a pretty young age. But truth is, I, too, was struggling with my love life.

How the struggle went, well, that's not the important bit. But everyone deserves to be happy. And the definition of happiness differs from one to another. If you're happy to be an option for someone else, then by all means, be it. Even if you know down the road the ending might not be as pretty.

To be fair, I was once, the person described in this song. Once, or a couple of times? I lost count.

Well my definition of happiness changes from time to time, depending on my mood swings (lol). No, really, I sometimes still let others define my happiness, which isn't really a happy thing.

But that doesn't matter, really.

Their happiness makes me happy. Isn't that enough already?

Free food.

On the phone..

Me: Where are you exactly?
Him: Baru sampai rumah *panting*  Fuh fuh penat. Nanti ada dinner pulak haih.
Me: Waa so nice ah? Tadi makan kambing golek lepas ni dinner kat Sakura pulak.
Him: That's why laaaaaaaa.........
Me: Ha, nak cakap I should be there in Belfast la tuu.
Him: Yup, if you're here then we can have free food ALL THE TIME. Every week always got invitation for dinner la lunch la HAHAHAHAHA.
Me: .................

Friday, October 19, 2012

Patient visit.

Me: I'm so f-ed up. I hate this whole patient visit thing. I mean seriously, hospital visit would be sufficient, now visiting patients at home? And like, two visits already made you go "Wth am I going to say? I've said enough already!" What now, five freaking visits?!! Come on Leicester, we know you don't have that much assignements, your class are so sikit, and this ten freaking thousand words essay is only one time in this two year, but please, NOT THE PATIENT HOME VISIT!

Him: Please come here, to Belfast. (smiles)

Awh. Tak jadi nak mengamuk lagi.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

When I was twelve I was happy with my PILOT Shaker mechanical pencil.

My youngest brother Adam just got his Xperia-I-dont-know-what-Android-isnt-my-thing bought using his saving. He then has been bugging Ummi to download him WhatsApp and include him in the family group.

And finally..


1. Why on Earth does a 12-year old boy need a smartphone?
2. Who is he going to WhatsApp with? His international friends back in Yangon?
3. He used AdamJunior for his name, as if he knows there's another Adam in the family.
4. Ayah: Awak pakai wifi jiran free ke

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I always wondered how he's going to get the connection. I mean my parents wouldn't be too generous to buy a data plan for a 12-year old kid, right?

Mystery solved.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Coolest in laws.

I have this one small habit. Well not really small, but harmless, I would say. 

Whenever I hear We Are Young by Fun playing on the radio, in the car, on the laptop, well basically anywhere, I would turn the volume up and scream my lungs out like there's no tomorrow.

-____________________-"

At least it's physically safe. Audio-wise, have to check.

And that obviously includes off pitch, broken notes, sore throat, funny voice and everything. Selagi tak dapat semua tu, selagi tu lah kena jerit sekuat hati, tak cukup young for tonight.

But the best thing is, Adam, too, had a thing for the song. We sang like nobody's business to the song in the car, pretending that we were some wannabe rock star singing for some audition which was surely gonna fail.
Nothing to lose.


Which is exactly what you don't need on the first day of Raya,
having a family chill out karaoke-ing with your in laws.


"Innocently" clad in red kebaya dress, selipar Jepun the size of a big foot, we went to Jusco.

GOD I WAS WITH MY IN LAWS, I was sure out of my mind.

From left, Danial, Dain, Adam

Kak Rina and Tsara

Coolest sponsor of the night, Kak Ri and her hubby Abang Hezwan

Looking at this picture, I was pretty sure they were screaming to We Are Young, but..

NO. It's Baby by Bieber.
-____________________-"

Three shades of red

Going home, everyone was busy with their phones. Ya lah where got voice left meh.
T____________________T

Attempting Tsara's signature pose and I failed miserably.
T____________________T

Anndddddddddd,


Thanks awak. Sila jangan seriks bawaks kita karoks lagi kess.




Now I wonder how could they ask me to sing for nasheed at Minggu Penghayatan Islam KMB.

-____________________-"

Friday, October 12, 2012

Of wedding ring and protected entry.

My wedding ring has betrayed me.


Man it hurts. Serves me right for wanting to have such complicated ring. But nooooo I love it to the max I wouldn't mind bleeding from it.

NO.

Okay whatevs. Btw I've started this "password protected entry" thing. I think it's toooo coooooool to have that, well mainly because I feel some of the things I've written are a bit too personal. Izleen was kinda furious about it. (Serius comel gila dia mengamuk kat Skype sebab takde password to read that entry lololol)

So I gave her the password, and I thought if any of you feel like knowing me (and I will automatically assume you're kind enough to give me duit raya (??) feel free to email me at ryannabella@gmail.com and say hi. And I'll Hi you back yay! (?)

But please please give a brief introduction of yourself so that I know who's reading me. Not like an IB Extended Essay wtf but some small introduction wouldn't hurt, right?

Because the last thing I need is a sociopath stalking my blog.

Yea right. So much for the protected thing.

Blegh.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Away is my home. And I'm at home now.

We have this one family WhatsApp group where almost everyone in the family on Ummi's side is in it. So the other day I checked on the contact list on the group to see if there were numbers I hadn't saved to my phone.

And I found this.



Hold on to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home 
Home, Phillip Phillips


I guess we're all home now. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Protected: Three years of togetherness.


I grew up being adored and hated almost as equally.

Having said that, you could say that my friends are as many as my enemies.

No they aren’t.

I used to lose guy friends because they somewhat couldn’t decide to have me as a friend or something more than that, when all I knew was that we were friends and nothing more. Not funny. I was hated by the girls simply because I have waaaay too many guy friends and apparently they had these secret feelings for me which in the end made me look like the bad guy – the heartbreaker. Also, surrounded by boys made me look like a bitch. Seriously.

And I, honestly, didn’t feel anything complicated at all about the ongoing friendship.

It’s very sad. You have your friends, who you loved to be around with, simply because you guys click so well and you could be yourself around them. Then suddenly one day they started to ignore you, built the wall between you and them, stopped talking to you etc. Finally you found out that they actually had some feelings for you and they felt bad about it and they knew you’d dismiss the feelings so they couldn’t be friends with you anymore because it hurt.

While at the same time, others kept blaming you for being the heartbreaker. Kau dah gatal sangat layan dia, lepas tu kau taknak dia, jahat gila perempuan.

So at some point in my life, I started to shut down. I had a reputation for the wrong reasons, and my self-attitudes weren’t helping much. I just had to close myself and be in my own world.

Which I did. And I limited my circle of friends.

Only to be ditched. Again.

Yes, I lost KN. It’s a huge thing and I still can’t get over that fact. I love him too much that I’d give anything to have that friendship back (well almost anything because I won’t trade Adam for a second) KN is one of the very few people that I could truly be myself with. It’s just.. Too painful.

And you know what happened when the last person you thought who could leave you finally did that? You lost faith. You lost the definition of friends in your heart. You forgot what it’s like to have friends. You hate people almost as equally as they once hate you.

Then you put 101% of your trust, your faith, your belief in this one man you call husband.

Only to realise that he, too, is a human. But you’re too consumed with your own dark view of the world, that you demand the world to be fair to you. You demand him to understand you, to feel you. You crave his attention more than anything else.

Which made the perfect sense, since you once had the attention from the world, and now when all that couldn’t bother you anymore, you just want your husband.

It’s only fair that way, right?

But what I really forgot is, he didn’t go through what I did. He didn’t have the dark sad past I did. He didn’t feel the way I did.

I was being selfish all this while, I was very mean. I couldn’t be bothered by the world; I just want him, when he, on the other hand, is very much interested in what the world has to offer.

What two very different persons we are.

I have a very serious attachment issue. I used to be so outgoing and independent, so eager about life, and now I’m just a broken piece of puzzle who can’t seem to fit anywhere. I feel out of place every single time. My safest home would be him, so I cling to him as much as I could, for fear of abandonment. I couldn’t risk my heart to be broken again. I built a wall around my heart and funny enough, secretly wishing that it would fall apart some day. Meanwhile I’ll just have him and that would be sufficient.

It was too painful watching him broke down, giving in to the stress and workloads and everything. It hurt even more realising that I, too, was part of the stress, simply because I was being immature and selfish.

And it hit me, so this is how it feels watching the person you love with all your life breaks down. It devastates you more than you thought it could.

I’m already such a huge mess. I know how it feels to be so messed up, and I never wished anyone to go through that.

I love you so much, Adam. It ‘s the kind of love that I honestly couldn’t fathom. I love you with all my life that I want to protect you from all those sad things, but I just couldn’t do it because me myself is already a sad thing. The only wonders in my life would be you, our family, and some very good friends.

I’m sorry I can’t keep you away from all those hurtful things, all those stress and burdens. I’m sorry that I am as close to giving up to people.

But please please, know that the only possible explanation for every confusing acts of mine mainly goes down to one thing – YOU.

I wish you all the amazing things in this world full of wonders, and may our hearts be at ease with the tender remembrance of each other, and of course, Him.

Three years together and another forever to come.

Happy third anniversary,
Wife

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

My flat is on 9th floor. And while people have been ooh aahh-ing over how high up it is, I'm actually quite used to it. Our house in KL is on 25th floor, remember?

And the perk of living higher above the ground is the scenery. And funny how both in KL and here, the views are both facing the sunset. So when the night is falling, this is what I see through my window.


Sometimes I could just sit and watch the clouds moving as the sun is setting.

"Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?"

Friday, October 5, 2012

Ohana means family.


And family means no one Raya sorang sorang kat rumah.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

And suddenly I care about Raya.

Finally done updating the school timetables. Yes I'm a nerd like that. Spent two nights doing this with HIMYM and 9GAG to kill the boredom (obviously because this thing can only take up to two hours  maximum)

Mana pergi azam Excellent Sem 3 pun tak tau.

-______________________-"

While updating this, I came to a date that I have key-ed in looooong ago.



26th October 2012.
Raya Haji.

I know it's like a millenium years away from now, but I have to plan where do I want to spend my Raya. People around me thought that I should to go Raya with him in Belfast. It is, after all, our first Raya Haji.

"Please la Raya kat Belfast. You have a family here, remember?"


Plus when his Ummi and Tsara FaceTime me earlier today, I was like, NAK BALIKKKKK :(

But then when I told him about this whole Raya thing..


"Tak payah la datang. I'll be going there the week after jugak. Membazir je. 
Kita kan kena jimat duit...
... Walhal jimat duit untuk apa Adam pun taktau."




Sampai hati awak.

T_________________________T

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Cover craze.

I have been thinking of getting an iPad since last year, for educational purposes (yeah right). But then it struck me that I would feel so stupid for having all the Apple stuff. Like some bimbo or something. Well I also have to admit that I was broke after a series of iPhone, polaroid printer (which I'm still veeeery excited about even after a year of having it!), a gazillion random trips involving flight tickets and stuff.. Sooo.. An iPad is far from reach. 

But last week I managed to strike a deal with Ummi when she agreed to sponsor half of the iPad. That is A LOT you see. Well I know some people could easily get things for free from their parents, say birthday presents, exam gifts etc. But my family doesn't. You have to earn it. So there I was begging for Ummi to buy me an iPad, because Ayah is sooooo against Apple the capitalist (??) And yeay, thank you Ummi!

Then there was another issue. To make sure Ummi would actually pay for the iPad (because Ayah still owes me my duit raya when he said he was going to bank in hurrghhh), I knew I had to buy it from Malaysia. And it's waaaaayyyy cheaper back home! Like RM400+ cheaper or something. So the drama began.

Nadd was coming back to UK the next morning, and I had only 5pm-10pm to get the iPad from Apple store to Nadd so that she could bring it over here. So another begging session began with my brother Aban. After soooo many dramas and all, finally.. Nadd WhatsApp me telling that she had it!

Ooohh thank you Aban. *NANGES*

But... But.. But..... It didn't stop there.

Since I had the iPad for such a short notice, I haven't got any screen protector or iPad cover with me. And a cheapskate I am, everything has to be bought on eBay because well.. They're cheap. Period. The delivery was slow because it was weekend, so my last chance was to borrow someone else's. And this time Faizul was the victim. I had to ask if he had extra iPad case because I desperately needed one for lecture.

Hantaran lah sangat.. Tapi takpe aku maafkan kau sebab kau kasik aku cover tu!

But then you know, Faizul being Faizul, a guy being guy, here's what I got.


Veeeeeery.. Errr masculine I would say.

Nevermind I'll live with it.

But the thing i couldn't live with is the fact that the iPad cover I bought wasn't here yet! It's killing me so badly that I had to let the shopaholic out of me. Soooo here goes..




A new transparent ultra thin cover for my iPhone. Too much sexiness!



A new silver aluminium-like cover for the iPod. Too much elegance!



A new smokey MacBook case. Too much errr matching-ness (??)

Yes I have a huge thing for colour match I can't afford to have a red iPod and a yellow iPhone, doesn't work for me.

All those stuff bought because I couldn't wait for the iPad cover! Hurgghhhh.

But today..


They're here! The new iPad cover!


Too pretty I can't resist! - Jemz


BUT..

Yes there's another but.

I don't quite like how the back of iPad is sticking to the cover like nobody's business. It doesn't seem too convincing for me. Alright this rarely happens to me, but when the "practical" side of me kicks in, nahhh I'd go for purpose.

Which means...


I'll have to return it and get another iPad cover and wait for how many more days I also don't know.

Poor little iPad.

Sigh.



Btw it's two months into this whole kawen thing.

In the lecture hall, after the last lecture for today..

Me: Harini anniversary yeay!
Abil: Anniversary apa Bella oiiii.
Me: Dua bulan kawen hehehehheee. (muka tak malu)
Abil: Oh dah dua bulan kawen. So apa yang Bella dah buat untuk suami? Pahala sebagai isteri agak agak camne? (and then laughed)
Me: Errrrrr. (dah malu dah)

Fine la. 



Awak, selamat ulang bulan (??) kedua. We have another forever to spend with so try to bear with my emo and bimbo-ness!

Kalau dapat iPad cover for hadiah kawen dua bulan macam best gak kan awak kan?

And oh, I love you!



Ps. I still feel stupid for having so many Apples but an iPad during lecture is just tooooo helpful! 
Lovin it!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Ayah: Life and work.

"Life is meant for us to work. If you want to sleep, you can sleep once you're buried in the grave."

Ayah: Having a new boyfriend.

Ayah wrote this on a piece of newspaper article about a girl who was raped on her first date. He then slipped it into my groceries bag upon finding out that I had a boyfriend when I was sixteen.

"Take care of yourself. We love you not the same way other people do."

Ayah: Finding a husband.

"If you want to find a husband, find someone who can wake up for Subuh on his own. If he can do that himself, the rest is almost sorted,"

Ayah: Getting married.

A few days before my wedding day..

Ayah: Are you sure you want to get married? Don't you want to travel, see the world, be independent and free? After this you'll be tied down you see.
Me: Yeah, and I want to see the world with my husband.
Ayah: Sounds interesting. Another good reason to get married.

October baby.

Hello October!

Three years gone and we still never get to spend this day together.

01/10/09 - He went to KASUKMA at Kolej MARA Kuala Nerang, I was at KMB
01/10/10 - He was in Belfast, while I was in Kuala Lumpur
01/10/11 - He was in Belfast, while I was in Leicester (we broke up anyway lol)
01/10/12 - He's in Belfast, I am.. Well.. Yeah no explanation needed.

Nothing cheesy or geli geli, I slept waaaay too early the day before. So no midnight wish as he always did to me. Guess I'm just too hopeless when it comes to being romantic and all. But well, he already got his birthday present, that should do it.

Back in 2009 when we first got together, we made a pact not to commit too seriously. We weren't really looking for some long term commitment so let's just take this easy. We were young, in love, and a little too adventurous, I think.

Now we've come this far, Alhamdulillah. Been through countless fights and arguments and silent treatments, and Alhamdulillah we're still as strong as we are.

Not to mention we are two very different people with very different views about the world, but that's a different story.

So here's to this man, who was once so allergic to the word 'commitment', who once thought he wouldn't settle down before the age of 35, who once thought girls are nuisances..

Well.. I'm so proud of myself for being able to prove that wrong lololol.



No, I'm so proud of you. Of us.


Happy birthday, young man. May all your fights and dreams in this world worth it.



And October, please be nice.