Monday, October 8, 2012

Protected: Three years of togetherness.

I grew up being adored and hated almost as equally.

Having said that, you could say that my friends are as many as my enemies.

No they aren’t.

I used to lose guy friends because they somewhat couldn’t decide to have me as a friend or something more than that, when all I knew was that we were friends and nothing more. Not funny. I was hated by the girls simply because I have waaaay too many guy friends and apparently they had these secret feelings for me which in the end made me look like the bad guy – the heartbreaker. Also, surrounded by boys made me look like a bitch. Seriously.

And I, honestly, didn’t feel anything complicated at all about the ongoing friendship.

It’s very sad. You have your friends, who you loved to be around with, simply because you guys click so well and you could be yourself around them. Then suddenly one day they started to ignore you, built the wall between you and them, stopped talking to you etc. Finally you found out that they actually had some feelings for you and they felt bad about it and they knew you’d dismiss the feelings so they couldn’t be friends with you anymore because it hurt.

While at the same time, others kept blaming you for being the heartbreaker. Kau dah gatal sangat layan dia, lepas tu kau taknak dia, jahat gila perempuan.

So at some point in my life, I started to shut down. I had a reputation for the wrong reasons, and my self-attitudes weren’t helping much. I just had to close myself and be in my own world.

Which I did. And I limited my circle of friends.

Only to be ditched. Again.

Yes, I lost KN. It’s a huge thing and I still can’t get over that fact. I love him too much that I’d give anything to have that friendship back (well almost anything because I won’t trade Adam for a second) KN is one of the very few people that I could truly be myself with. It’s just.. Too painful.

And you know what happened when the last person you thought who could leave you finally did that? You lost faith. You lost the definition of friends in your heart. You forgot what it’s like to have friends. You hate people almost as equally as they once hate you.

Then you put 101% of your trust, your faith, your belief in this one man you call husband.

Only to realise that he, too, is a human. But you’re too consumed with your own dark view of the world, that you demand the world to be fair to you. You demand him to understand you, to feel you. You crave his attention more than anything else.

Which made the perfect sense, since you once had the attention from the world, and now when all that couldn’t bother you anymore, you just want your husband.

It’s only fair that way, right?

But what I really forgot is, he didn’t go through what I did. He didn’t have the dark sad past I did. He didn’t feel the way I did.

I was being selfish all this while, I was very mean. I couldn’t be bothered by the world; I just want him, when he, on the other hand, is very much interested in what the world has to offer.

What two very different persons we are.

I have a very serious attachment issue. I used to be so outgoing and independent, so eager about life, and now I’m just a broken piece of puzzle who can’t seem to fit anywhere. I feel out of place every single time. My safest home would be him, so I cling to him as much as I could, for fear of abandonment. I couldn’t risk my heart to be broken again. I built a wall around my heart and funny enough, secretly wishing that it would fall apart some day. Meanwhile I’ll just have him and that would be sufficient.

It was too painful watching him broke down, giving in to the stress and workloads and everything. It hurt even more realising that I, too, was part of the stress, simply because I was being immature and selfish.

And it hit me, so this is how it feels watching the person you love with all your life breaks down. It devastates you more than you thought it could.

I’m already such a huge mess. I know how it feels to be so messed up, and I never wished anyone to go through that.

I love you so much, Adam. It ‘s the kind of love that I honestly couldn’t fathom. I love you with all my life that I want to protect you from all those sad things, but I just couldn’t do it because me myself is already a sad thing. The only wonders in my life would be you, our family, and some very good friends.

I’m sorry I can’t keep you away from all those hurtful things, all those stress and burdens. I’m sorry that I am as close to giving up to people.

But please please, know that the only possible explanation for every confusing acts of mine mainly goes down to one thing – YOU.

I wish you all the amazing things in this world full of wonders, and may our hearts be at ease with the tender remembrance of each other, and of course, Him.

Three years together and another forever to come.

Happy third anniversary,