I grew up
being adored and hated almost as equally.
Having said
that, you could say that my friends are as many as my enemies.
No they
aren’t.
I used to
lose guy friends because they somewhat couldn’t decide to have me as a friend
or something more than that, when all I knew was that we were friends and
nothing more. Not funny. I was hated by the girls simply because I have waaaay
too many guy friends and apparently they had these secret feelings for me which
in the end made me look like the bad guy – the heartbreaker. Also, surrounded
by boys made me look like a bitch. Seriously.
And I,
honestly, didn’t feel anything complicated at all about the ongoing friendship.
It’s very
sad. You have your friends, who you loved to be around with, simply because you
guys click so well and you could be yourself around them. Then suddenly one day
they started to ignore you, built the wall between you and them, stopped
talking to you etc. Finally you found out that they actually had some feelings
for you and they felt bad about it and they knew you’d dismiss the feelings so
they couldn’t be friends with you anymore because it hurt.
While at
the same time, others kept blaming you for being the heartbreaker. Kau dah
gatal sangat layan dia, lepas tu kau taknak dia, jahat gila perempuan.
So at some
point in my life, I started to shut down. I had a reputation for the wrong
reasons, and my self-attitudes weren’t helping much. I just had to close myself
and be in my own world.
Which I
did. And I limited my circle of friends.
Only to be
ditched. Again.
Yes, I lost
KN. It’s a huge thing and I still can’t get over that fact. I love him too much
that I’d give anything to have that friendship back (well almost anything
because I won’t trade Adam for a second) KN is one of the very few people that
I could truly be myself with. It’s just.. Too painful.
And you
know what happened when the last person you thought who could leave you finally
did that? You lost faith. You lost the definition of friends in your heart. You
forgot what it’s like to have friends. You hate people almost as equally as
they once hate you.
Then you
put 101% of your trust, your faith, your belief in this one man you call
husband.
Only to
realise that he, too, is a human. But you’re too consumed with your own dark
view of the world, that you demand the world to be fair to you. You demand him
to understand you, to feel you. You crave his attention more than anything
else.
Which made
the perfect sense, since you once had the attention from the world, and now when
all that couldn’t bother you anymore, you just want your husband.
It’s only
fair that way, right?
But what I
really forgot is, he didn’t go through what I did. He didn’t have the dark sad
past I did. He didn’t feel the way I did.
I was being
selfish all this while, I was very mean. I couldn’t be bothered by the world; I
just want him, when he, on the other hand, is very much interested in what the
world has to offer.
What two
very different persons we are.
I have a
very serious attachment issue. I used to be so outgoing and independent, so
eager about life, and now I’m just a broken piece of puzzle who can’t seem to
fit anywhere. I feel out of place every single time. My safest home would be
him, so I cling to him as much as I could, for fear of abandonment. I couldn’t
risk my heart to be broken again. I built a wall around my heart and funny
enough, secretly wishing that it would fall apart some day. Meanwhile I’ll just
have him and that would be sufficient.
It was too
painful watching him broke down, giving in to the stress and workloads and
everything. It hurt even more realising that I, too, was part of the stress,
simply because I was being immature and selfish.
And it hit
me, so this is how it feels watching the person you love with all your life
breaks down. It devastates you more than you thought it could.
I’m already
such a huge mess. I know how it feels to be so messed up, and I never wished
anyone to go through that.
I love you
so much, Adam. It ‘s the kind of love that I honestly couldn’t fathom. I love
you with all my life that I want to protect you from all those sad things, but
I just couldn’t do it because me myself is already a sad thing. The only
wonders in my life would be you, our family, and some very good friends.
I’m sorry I
can’t keep you away from all those hurtful things, all those stress and
burdens. I’m sorry that I am as close to giving up to people.
But please
please, know that the only possible explanation for every confusing acts of
mine mainly goes down to one thing – YOU.
I wish you
all the amazing things in this world full of wonders, and may our hearts be at
ease with the tender remembrance of each other, and of course, Him.
Three years
together and another forever to come.
Happy third anniversary,
Happy third anniversary,
Wife