Double lines.

It was an ordinary day off for both of us. I was going through a lot of random (and some, expired) things in my vanity drawer. A couple of pregnancy tests included.

They were actually dated back in 2014!

So truth is, we decided to take the plunge about a month earlier.

This was the game-changing night. I actually did a serious research on maternity leave for junior doctors on NHS – very honestly –  because I wanted to find a legit reason to stay on my current visa but not work.

A baby is a much welcomed bonus.

I figured out a plan, calculated the risks and all, and decided we should just do it. So the next morning I spilled everything to Adam, in which he thought it was actually a good plan.

Now note this, I have been on contraception, IUD (copper coil) for most of our married life. Hence why the question “Where’s the baby?” didn’t really affect us all that much. We knew we couldn’t really afford to have them too, what with the long-distance marriage and all. In fact, the initial plan was to wait for another year until I finish my FY1 and be fully registered with GMC (i.e. fully licensed doctor). That would mean conceiving sometime around December-January. But work proves to be tough, that I couldn’t justify putting off having something that we’ve been wanting for so long, for some career plan that I’m not even passionate about.

Babies – yes, that I’m very much interested in, thank you.

So on to the day when I tested positive.

The night before, I toyed with the idea of testing with the expired stick with Adam. He wasn’t too keen with the idea, I mean, it’s expired, it wouldn’t mean much.

But girl don’t care.

Both sticks turned positive the next morning. Ahh, this is something!

Adam was still asleep in bed when I teased him, “Guess who’s going to be daddy?”. And guess what’s his first response?

“Did you use the expired tests?”

Such anti-climax this guy. Of course la, he knew that’s the only tests that we had.

“Should we go to Morrisons now to get a new test?”

Haha this guy too cute! Well to be honest if you ask me, I had a feeling that I’ve been pregnant quite a while before that. It’s something that I just, well, knew. So this positive test, albeit expired, pretty much confirmed it. But Adam is a man of logic. The only way to confirm it is by doing another test – a valid one.

And that, too, showed positive result.

Over the moon? Yes. But more like super duper ultimately grateful. We are so eternally grateful for this little one growing in my tummy, Alhamdulillah.

And to me, personally, things finally make sense. It has been a wonderful four years together – travelling, graduating, becoming a doctor, that now, having a little one feels only right. It's still a long way to go, just like the long list of baby names we have been accumulating over the last couple of years (without even actually trying, ha!), but inshaAllah it's going to be an amazing one.

*rubs tummy* (actually full of Nando's, more than anything).

Cry.

I was going to write about how we came around to finally decide on having a little one after years of being married. But for now I just want to be real, keeping this space as real as I can. No one likes to be around people who whine complain moan (insert all negativities here). I know I don't (didn't?). Somehow that's what my life has come to.

I came home from work crying last night. More like sobbing. Halfway through the walk home, I realised how all these while me being so stressed with work - it's unfair to people around me. To Adam. To Seed.

I only care about myself that I never really think the fact that I'm carrying another human being in me. I started the pregnancy all geared up, wanting the best for the little one. Unfortunately I got lost somehow that I thought, if I were going to survive this work, I have to do things differently.

And that something means taking a toll on Seed. I drink coffee - fully caffeinated - to survive another day of work. I purposely didn't take the tablets as I had such a short time between dinner and sleep, and they can make me feel uncomfortable - I value my comfort and sleep more than this little one's needs. I eat junks to keep going through the day - no more healthy home-made sandwiches - who even got time to make that when you're constantly on-call? 

And worst of all, I get so stressed and angry and bitter that I didn't even think how it might affect the baby I'm carrying.

So last night I cried. I cried for the times I raised my voice to another person on the phone when they get rude. I cried for the foul words I have been using every time something didn't go the way they should be. I cried for the times I subconsciously rub my tummy while my mind is fully occupied with other things, not really out of love for this little one. 

I cried for the outbursts I often lash out to Adam when I get frustrated. I cried for the house chores that I simply refused to do because I'm completely knackered by the end of the day. I cried for the times when I couldn't tell Adam how much I love him, how much I am thankful to have him by my side, simply because I couldn't let my guard down. I cried for the lack of person that I have become.

I am less of a wife, let alone a mom, all in the name of work. And I am nowhere near a good doctor. 

The saddest part? I don't even want to be one.

Bun in the oven.

Meet Seed, people.

Seed is a tiny tot currently kicking away doing summersault happily in my tummy, very oblivious to the nausea and vomit and sickness that his/her mom is having.

So yeah, I am pregnant. Just going into 2nd trimester now.

I wasn't sure when to tell people about Seed, but these days (and weeks, and months!) my life has been about him/her - I've been rather unwell from the pregnancy - that it's really hard to blog without mentioning a word about this little one!

Some of you might have guessed from the crazy cravings - ayam penyet, keli balado, sambal tempe (Seed is going to be pure Malay, I tell you) and vomiting, but other than that.. I pretty much look like I was pre-pregnancy. Well, other than the constant tiredness, heartburn, nausea, headache, and urm, everything else possible.

Love your mom, guys. Not even saying this lightly.

Anyways, on to Seed - we named him/her Seed for now as when we first found out that I was pregnant, s/he was the size of a poppy seed. Initially we wanted to go for Poppy, but if it's a boy.. He won't be too happy for the nick I guess. So we settled for Seed. (I wanted Faith or Hope, but that's a different story..)

Yes, like Final Fantasy!

Our KMB classmate, Mau, suggested the name Cloud - go figure. This baby is going places with names. Although I must admit Cloud sounds kinda cool.

All in all, Alhamdulillah - that's the only word to describe how we feel all these while. 

Doakan yang baik2, inshaAllah. :)

Unwell.

I'm down being unwell again.

Been vomiting small amounts since yesterday with tummy ache. 

I'm supposed to be on night shift this week, 8pm-8am, while Adam is on day on-call 8am-8pm. So really, the only time we see each other is at surgical handover room. Sucks.

And when you're ill not seeing your other half kinda makes it worse. We also have no time to cook proper meal so every time we come home (alone) it's a matter of what's in the fridge - to me it's more of what I could stomach and keep down.

Side note, I made ikan goreng for lunch earlier hoping that it'd be the comfort food I could keep down, but no, a quarter of it came back up shortly after.

The ikan goreng itself, was delicious.

So here I am, at 6.45pm, still in bed, in scrubs from last night. Had to call in sick as last night I didn't even last till 8am. Yep, vomiting at the hospital isn't fun so I left at 4am. 

You'd think prescribing anti-sickness to patients has become so routine that when it happens to you, you wonder if you should have some yourself too.

I even called my mom asking if she could come over for a week - I'd pay for her flight if I have to! It was a whole dramatic affair - me wailing on the phone, like really sobbing, and her, panicking. Too bad she really couldn't, she already used up all her leave, but good thing is she only has 3 weeks to retirement so she can come over after that!

Actually my parents are coming in January anyway.. But hey, November and January makes a difference okay.

But really.. I just want to go home..

Junks, junks everywhere.

Adam's rota and mine are now officially different. We knew it from the beginning that at some point we'd have different shifts, so no surprises. But it also means we go to work at different times, and coming back too. And that naturally means no random Morrisons trip together anymore.

Which means that I find myself popping in and out of the supermarket whenever I feel like it.

Which is good, because, hey, independence!

But can also be damaging to Adam's pocket, because urm, well, eventually he pays for them all.

The receipts explain in all.

These are 3 separate trips I made to Morrisons on 3 consecutive days. Yes, 3 days in a row. And look at that amount of junks I bought!

Day 1: Walkers Sensation (big bags of crisps) x 3 bags 

Day 2: Not so much, because I was more focused in buying proper food/groceries.

Day 3: And here's the fun part.

                   Multipack Vanilla Coke x 8 cans

                   Ben & Jerry's ice cream x 3 tubs

                   Walkers Sensation x 3 bags

                   Cadbury's Hazelnut x 1 bar

I am so torn in a sense whether or not I claim them all from Adam. The junks, I mean. To be fair the crisps are more for him but still..

Who can justify 8 CANS OF VANILLA COKE in a SINGLE purchase??!?

When in Rome. (and Pisa and Venice)

Typing this away very quickly as I have a gazillion other pending chores at home from being away and unwell for quite some time.

Italy's been amazing. The weather, that is. In summary it's a lot if this.

Rome

Pisa

Venice

Obligatory tourist photos! (Still not sure if we got the right spot in Venice though).

Of all the three I probably love Venice most. And a bit of Pisa. Rome is very.. Historical. And we are not very historical people. I guess it explains why we (by that I mean, I?) love love loveee Amsterdam and New York, and don't mind going there again, despite having been to Amsterdam twice. Pretty much how I prefer Barcelona over Madrid. Oooh the paella!

I love the hustle and bustle of a city - the life, the food, the street view, the different people you meet and see. I love living, animated objects (read: human and animals), and the nice smelling/tasting ones too (read: food).  And you definitely get more of this from Venice than Rome. 

Rome just feels very deep, if that even makes sense. It gave me the pressure of having to learn the history of this place, and that building, and oohh, that chapel too! There's just too much to see, and you cannot just see without actually knowing what's going on!

Venice on the other hand, is a lot of cobblestone paved street and alleys. And water too. Sometimes you just blindly walk on the narrow streets finding yourself a dead end - into the canal. It's pretty cool, albeit sometimes annoying. But the food is amazing. Very expensive too, that we had to withdraw another bunch of cash there, but I believe it's more because our holiday and spending habits have massively changed from the student days. We like to indulge a tiny little bit more, after all we've both been working like mad! And surprisingly, unlike many other very touristy places, Venice is surprisingly very very, clean. The small streets in between buildings smell nothing of piss - Paris should definitely have a lesson or two.

And Pisa, oh well, a small quiet town with a slanting stick (read: Leaning Tower) where everyone gathers around it. Not much to say. Although it did feel like a nice transition in between Rome and Venice.

I might/might not write further on Italy honestly, as I just didn't get the vibe of holiday that I was hoping for. For the most part of it, I was rather unwell with vague things that I couldn't put down to. So to be perfectly honest, on Friday we were just glad to be heading home. 

But I do feel Italy should be on the list if you're going around Europe, it's not your typical European country - UK, northern France, Belgium etc. I guess a lot of it is due to the weather. They're further down south so it's a bit milder/nicer, although Venice can be freezing at night.

And to be perfectly honest, for this long annual leave that we had, I was actually aiming for Morocco. But my UK permit arrived about 2 weeks or so before the break, just not enough time for Moroccan visa application, so we had to go to somewhere that didn't require any visa.

That's it folks, sorry that Italy hasn't been much to write. It was amazing, just not my kind of place. Pretty sure it will be someone else's!

Adam's 26th.

Bella: I dah lama tak rasa in love dengan you.

Adam: I selalu in love dengan you.

Bella: Really? How come?

Adam: I'm always in love with you bila you tengah tidur. You always look so peaceful.

..

Adam: Sampai lah you mengamuk bila I kacau you. Terus tak in love dah.

Hahaha yeap, we go to bed at different times most nights. And as sweet as the above conversation sounds, I can be very violent when I'm half awake. When Adam said 'mengamuk', that's actually no joke. Mengamuk I did. Even to something as simple as a quick kiss.

Anyways, today is his birthday! Nothing special, no surprises (btw do you know how HARD it is to plan for surprises when both of you are staying together, and even work together? REALLY HARD). Gone were the days when I wrote sappy stuff, arranged random surprises and whatnot. I'm just constantly tiireeeddd and worn out. Every. Single. Day.

Buuttt I managed not to kick him last night when he kacau me sleeping, so that's good enough on his birthday, yay!

Aaannddd we're leaving for Italy tomorrow for a week so at least that's something!

Alright. Talk later. I know the title says Adam's 26th, but it's literally like any other day. Life tak berapa exciting lately, tunggu lah balik Italy nanti.

Btw I love you too baby, only when I'm not sleeping.

Sembang mak mak.

Lately perasaan asyik nak maaaaakan je. To be fair, that's nothing new. But at the rate I'm going, I constantly crave for food. Nak pulak different things at different times. One second I wanted sotong celup tepung (Melayu), then spicy tofu soup (Korean), then the next I wanted steak (Western). Haritu mengamuk nak ayam penyet (Jawa), sudah, mana pulak nak cari tetengah kampung omputeh ni. Good thing I'm a pretty good cook. So ada benda yang nak sangat makan tu kekadang setengah jam, tetiba siap ada atas meja. Nasik lemak je pun walhal, haha.

To make it worse, our weighing scale takde battery, so memang tak keep track dengan berat since pindah rumah ni. Memula tu kemain confident I won't gain weight sebab kerja macam hantu, tapi sekarang dah waswas, haha. Actually we have another weighing scale tapi taktau celah mana simpan. Rumah besar sangat kot, storage merata. Kahkah. Not even joking. Rumah ni besar ok. Bayar pun besar. Wuuu. Bersyukurlah ada suami. Ehhh. 

Haritu masak asam pedas ikan pari. Ye, tetiba jumpa ray wings kat supermarket ni haa, reduced pulak tu. Apa lagi, ambil lah seketul dua.

Malangnya suami pulak (sejak bila panggil Adam suami hahaha hai abang) tetiba takberapa suka masakan asam pedas. First time tau ok. Biasanya dia sapu je semua, tapi bila ada je yang dia cakap 'kurang suka' atau 'least favourite', terus dapat hint maksudnya memang dia taksuka la tu. What to do. Malang lah nasib kau si pari pari. Emm sebenarnya, even to me, asam pedas ni memang tricky sikit. Not my favourite too. Jaaaaarang sangat jumpa asam pedas yang kaw enough for me to go, perggh sedapnyaa. And Bella juga jenis yang tak memilih makanan ok. But for a first try, it wasn't too bad. Cuma sekarang dah sedar masak asam pedas is not my specialty. And both of us taaakde la suka sangat asam pedas ni, so makan kat kedai nasik campur sudah. Takyah nak masak bagai. 

Then before that masak soto dengan nasik impit. Siap dengan bergedil. Favourite please. Tapi takpernah masak. 

Time ni alas meja pun belum beli lagi. Maka guna lah surat khabar free. Tapi point dia di sini ialah, gheeeenyah nya buat soto bakhanggg. Dia senang je, tapi leceh ya ampun. So abang, next time kita makan soto ialah tahun depan ok.

I also found out that both dishes are actually my mil's favourite. Terus confident jadi menantu kesayangan. 

Gaya sembang level mak mak sangat, walhal sendu takboleh balik Malaysia je pun, haha. 

Adulting together.

Adam and I, we communicate mainly on iMessage. So our texts go waaay back into 2011 on iMessage. We very rarely use WhatsApp unless we're doing the Malaysia-UK thing.

Not until we started working. WhatsApp is like the single most important communication platform after bleeps and actual phone call for non-urgent things. And since Adam and I are on the same team, we're both in the same WhatsApp group.

And I swapped my rota earlier so Adam and I are practically SHO-FY1 buddy. What that means is that our shifts are very similar, that we go on-call at the same time. And with the way on-calls work, it means that my first point of contact would be him. Similar to him, if he needs things done on the wards, he'd ask me to do it.

In short,

SHO - Senior House Officer

Most of the times they clerk in patients at A&E. Meaning they're in charge of new patients coming in, come up with the plans etc.

FY1 - Foundation Year 1 aka House Officer (HO)

We cover the wards. So if there are any sick patients on the ward, or someone needs some drugs prescribed, we're the ones to be called for. Including bloods, cannulas, catheters etc.

So back to WhatsApp, I was going through some messages when Adam sent me a text. It's pretty cool that our conversation varies from this, 

To this.

I mean, baby bung??!!?? What does that even mean??

Anyways, the juniors on the team know about us being married and all. But since we never acted like it, no one said anything. Until one day I was on the ward with another FY1, and our two registrars came in and had a casual conversation like it didn't mean anything in the world. Adam was on-call so he was nowhere to be found (most likely running like a headless chicken).

Registrar 1: Yes, I think we'd go with the plan as per our SHO in blues has come up with, and since he's a great husband to this lady over here.. 

Bella: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? How did you guys find out? 

Registrar 2: I thought it's a common knowledge? We've known it quite a while now. 

Registrar 1: Yeah don't worry it's nothing to be ashamed of, he's a good man. 

Bella: I'm not ashamed, if anything I'm proud of him (woah, baby, handbag please?) but you guys.. How did you guys know??!??

They went on to say something but I was very uncomfortable on the subject (they're my registrars! Actually they're pretty cool, but well, no) so I shifted the conversation to our patients.

And Adam had a similar encounter after we both had night shifts at the same time, when another registrar who sorted our rota and annual leaves asked him,

Registrar 3: So how was nights with your wife? 

Adam: It was okay. She called me.. A lot.

HAHAHA of course I call you baby I nak call siapa lagi??!??

But working with him.. Is fun to the next level. I honestly used to be so scared of having too much  of each other, what with me being solitary and all.. But work is great with him. We both agree that we get on really well at work, that we have the same kind of thinking, always on it, always want to get things done quickly and properly, and always, always want to go home early, haha. Of course there are days when I'm just cranky and I just want to be difficult (I couldn't most of the times, not in my nature, unfortunately) and Adam just has to put up with me. Especially when he calls asking me to do jobs and I'll be just like.. Ok. And hang up. Haha.

Poor SHO got cranky wife as his FY1.

It's worse for him, because I'm only cranky with people I love. So he really just gotta take it. Whereas Adam himself, when he's not in the right mood, he would literally just f**k off to everyone, myself included, no hard feelings. As for me.. You know how women are. Haha.

But all in all, it's been great fun with him. Balik kerja awal singgah Morrisons going mad buying junk food and groceries. Moaning about how sh*tty things are.. The negativity doubles but we have great fun! And it finally feels like someone actually understands! (actually more like only we understand each other, haha).

So for now.. I can only say, adulting is hard. Really, really hard. But adulting together, with the person you love most, can be quite fun. And while I can do a lot of things by myself (independent girls, unite!), doing things together brings a lot more meaning into it. The other day for the first time Adam actually came with me to a clinic appointment, a luxury we never had while doing long-distance relationship. I really have nothing to complain for.

Well except for the actual job...... But I'll leave that for now. Haha!

Payday rants.

We finally have the mighty internet at home, wuhooo!

Yes we were living without wifi for nearly a month. The days seemed so long before, which actually felt good, sans the boredom of course, and now it seems like 24 hours is never enough!

Ever so grateful, nevertheless. Alhamdulillah.

Aaaand, it's also payday! Only to realise that we're not paid (yet) on the 4-day shadowing period we had at the beginning of the month. The junior doctors whatsapp group is fuming with anger, that someone actually sent a text to the Trust CEO pertaining the matter. Well of course, that's more than £300 missing. Marah okay marah. But the reply from her was encouraging, said she'd look into this ASAP. There's a massive shortage of junior doctors nationwide, and there's a pressure from the government to impose budget cut in healthcare system. Understaffed, underpaid, overworked, not safe! Aaand you get angry doctors too.

Ha, gitu.

I'll leave work at that. It seems all we talk about these days is werk werk werk and more werk.

So today is our off day. We have a few things in mind to get sorted, and a huge bulk of it is going shopping! And it's on Adam wuhoo! Actually he just needs to find new chair and possibly a new TV, but that's as exciting as things can get since I stopped wearing colours few years ago!

Yes, I actually stopped wearing colours circa 2014-2015. I don't take many ootds (in fact not at all?), but if you notice I only wear black headscarf and white top. On occasions (raya, graduation) I broke the rule as it's nearly impossible to find nice clothes, especially traditional ones, in black and white. Even if there is, they cost a bomb, which I cannot justify. At all.

Pergi kebun pun kena black and white ok.

Other than that, there's not a lot of things going on at the mo. I'm hoping to get into something new - crafts and sewing. Especially when I'm very picky with my outfit (design-wise, colour, not so much!), I hope to finally make/wear my own clothes one day. Seems far-fetched but I have actually been toying with the idea since last year. And my mom sews too! Well to be fair, she does a lot of things, which makes me feel like a minutiae in the domestic department.

And I finally took the plunge into KL dUck, haha. I have been so wanting to get the black one, but couldn't justify the price. Now that I think about it, I'm working, so what's a little £40 for a scarf.. Right? Riiighhhttt? Aaahhh I wouldn't, trust me, like, would never, get it if it's not for the KL motives. Having been in the UK for nearly 5 years now I have that immense pride of KL, so fine, I'll pay for this one! We're talking about someone who never batted an eye for the LE ones, guys. So this KL dUck is. A. Huge. Deal.

Ahh talk about money in these days.

Saw someone posted a picture of cekodok ikan bilis and now I want some. Actually last night at 9pm I went to Morrisons alone just because someone posted a picture of mushroom soup. So now I'm gonna make my cekodok in our nice little kitchen. Ooohh the kitchen, must share with you guys. Actually this new house, aaahhh major love. But first, cekodok! Iman kelaut, haha.

Hope life is treating everyone good, inshaAllah!

Keep calm and doctor on.

Let's talk about working nights now.

I've been on nights the whole week, and from the look of it, next week too. That's 8pm-8am. The job itself isn't too bad. But the sh*tty feeling that comes with it is a whole different story.

You go to bed at 8ish in the morning and wake up around 3-4pm. That if you're lucky. I can't really sleep long hours during the day so most of the times I'm already up by 1pm, forcing myself back to sleep at least until I hit 6 hours. If you're luckier, you sleep throughout and wake up at 5-6pm - but that means your Zuhur kelaut. Your choice.

But the sh*tty feeling when you wake up.. Ahh. The days are jumbled. The sun more blinding that usual. Your body aches from whole night of running around. It's a bit like post-workout effect minus the endorphine. You don't feel it when you're working out, but the day after everything just aches. The home empty. If you're lucky you get nice food on the table left by your husband who works during the day, if not, well, you'll live.

Like I said, the job isn't too bad. I find myself settling in quite quickly, Alhamdulillah. Be kind to everyone, and they'll be kind to you. At one point I was so sleepy that I even said, "I have to be chirpy and all bubbly at this hour (3.30am) or else I'll be grumpy and people won't like it, so just bear with me."

To which the nurse replied, " Do you feel the intense pressure to make people like you?"

"Not really, at this point I just don't care anymore. I just want to do my job. But you get your jobs done quicker when people like you."

The nurse paused.

"You're quie right there. I agree."

So yes, be kind to others and they'll help you. Especially when you're new to the hospital and you have no idea how much and what laxative you should prescribe to a patient at 2.40 in the morning. Or insulin regular or PRN. Aahhh insulin, the bane of my medical career. Other than cannula, of course. But I managed to put a cannula in (third working cannula in my career, ever), so hopefully it won't be in the list soon.

I find being kind to people helps. It helps with angry patient who refuses his feed because his insulin regime has been changed and it makes him unwell, but not taking the feed means he risks of hypoglycaemia. You just talk your way through, and be kind. Whether you're actually doing anything or not is a different story.

I'm afraid I am that kind of doctor at night. During the day I have no idea how I'll be since I haven't worked days. Yet.

And then one of my biggest fears surfaces. That I can do this whole doctoring job. Yes I can. Enjoyed it, probably, every now and then. Most of the times it's just, plain okay. Seeing patients is one thing, sorting them out with the ridiculous paperwork and bureaucracy of the hospital is a whole other thing. And let's not go into how much I don't like referring/asking/troubling others. Last two night I had to bleep the medical registrar (he was fast asleep) for patients who had a fall maybe with some bleed and another one with pulmonary oedema (lungs filled with fluid). He was all nice (bless him!) and just listened patiently but I haaaateee having to trouble him. Don't get me started on having to ask the nurse to do repeat obs or ECG, if it's up to me, let the patient sleep and the nurse rest and the registrar naps. Easy peasy. 

But that's not how hospital life is. You should be patient (pun there, see it?), and patient care is your first priority. I. Just. Don't. Have. That.

Bleeped at 7.20am, that's when I'm finishing my shift soon. Do I respond? Do I ignore? I did respond of course, but the urghh feeling of 'let me go homeee' was so intense I find myself asking, kenaaapaaa lah sekarang nak jatuhh (patient had a fall).

You might think I'm being mean. But I tell you what, this is what happens when there's no passion in the job. You find yourself constantly looking at the clock, bilaaaalah nak balikkk.

And this comes from someone who has been regarded as 'kind' by most people, including her husband.

Yes I do get that intense feeling of helping others, relieving them from pain. But as far as work is concerned, I. Need. To. Go. Home. In. Time.

Period.

I'm looking at options now. If I quit, I'd have no income. Worse, what about visa? I just applied for Tier 4 visa (junior doctor visa) so that's nearly £800 gone and quitting means it'll get revoked. Spouse visa is going to cost a lot more I believe.

Okay income-wise. I'll get paid rather handsomely for this current job. Yeap, kayo ok. So maybe I can just work for 4 months and quit then - that'll give me enough savings for, I don't know, a year plus on my own? That includes my current balance in account. I'm planning to do some side business to at least cover the cost of living, so probably I can stretch my savings a little bit. Our little one would be fine, inshaAllah. Cumaaa, visaaaa??

I'm a firm believer of Allah pemberi rezeki yang mutlak. Maybe I get stable pay while doctoring, but I believe our rezeki akan bertambah with a little one, and me serving as wife. If I continue doctoring for another year, little one has to wait too. And currently wife mode is completely gone. Part of it because I'm working too, another part of it is because, well, my husband is my colleague. And we're kinda on it because we reeeally don't want others to feel awkward around us like we sometimes did in college.

So guys, yes, we've grown up. :)

I have lots of plans for my life. It seems like I finally know what I want to do after a whole 7 years (and more) of submitting my life to medicine. But by the time that I'm sure, I'm already doctoring, and getting on pretty well on it.

In short, I lack of courage. That's what I'm all about. My biggest fear is probably failing - what if it doesn't work. I mean, I could be a doctor, a good one, (happiness is a different story), yet I choose to be self-employed, going down the uncertain route of enterpreneuring, (and be happy, inshaAllah!).

But what if I'm not (happy)?


What ifs, the bane of my existence. I've had sooo many what ifs since the start of medical school. What if I had quitted earlier? What if changed my course earlier? What if I never applied for FY1? What if we jumped straight into having a little one as soon as we moved in together? What ifs..


And all my what ifs are ways to get out of medicine.

I am, that desperate, guys.


Anyways, it's 4.45pm and I need to eat and pray and be ready for the next 8pm.

One happy catheter man.

So today I had to change a catheter for a lovely elderly gentleman on the ward. He had his catheter changed last Friday, and it was rather traumatic with all the blood and the fact that the catheter itself was rather a large rigid one. I was there holding his hands (or rather, him clutching mine in pain) so I desperately did not want to hurt him any more than I should this time. 

It was pretty funny as at the first sight of me he actually said, "Nice to see you again, doctor", but when I mentioned that I was there to change the catheter he immediately looked like I've dropped him a death sentence or something. Bless him. Anyways, he agreed to it, all the while shaking away nervously making weird sounds as a way to cope with the anticipated pain.

In the end it all went well, Alhamdulillah. It helped that he's such a lovely patient mashaAllah! And as I was cleaning up, he asked for my name. I said Bella as always, but he wanted my real, full name, asking to look at my ID card. I gave it to him and he then asked me to write down my full name with the department I'm in on a piece of paper. I honestly thought it was rather weird, but I wrote a little note for him anyway, he's such a lovely man to begin with!

I jokingly said that I do accept credit cards, lol. And that I expect nothing less than a cheque. Haha poor man must've thought that this doctor's in the job for money! 

But he then said, "Soon enough you'll find out why I asked for your details today." Ooh, someone's got some surprise in it for me!

Anyways, it was such a good feeling after a failed bloods from a patient earlier - young, fit and even on blood-thinning drug - when I'm usually good with bloods. I mean, my first catheter on my own and I'm already getting a cheque coming, lol!

I know I sounded a lot unhappier about medicine days/weeks earlier, but I thought instead of being bitter about it, why don't I just cherish it. Celebrate the fact that I am a doctor. After all I worked hard for it! And I thought maybe, just maybe, if I write/talk/share more about medicine, then it'll love me back, and my heart grow into it - Law of Attraction. Meanwhile let me just chill while all the new doctors (Adam included, haha) panic  about their first day tomorrow!

Ahh 5 off days at the start of work. You won't get that from other jobs. 

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.

.الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُمْ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ أَلا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. [Ar-Ra'd: 28]

I find solace in sadness. 

Oh, the irony.

I miss being sad. Being in desperate need of something from The Almighty. As much as I try to convince myself that I, too, could be in constant remembrance of Him at times of happiness, it's never the same as when I'm in deep need of His comfort. When dunya knocks me down. When all I seek is the comfort of His words through the Holy Quran, or the warmth of tears flowing down my face flooding my telekung and sejadah as I recite every little prayer I know, as I tell Him my hopes and dreams, as I desperately need someone to listen.

I always wonder why am I such a melancholy. There were times when I craved to be sad, up to a point where it was unhealthy. Little did I know, that I needed to be sad. It's the sadness that truly brings me down on my knees, for me to truly reflect on my imaan.

Probably the thing that I miss, is not sadness. Rather, it's the state of utter submission to Him. To be able to cry in my sujood, or have the strength to wake up for tahajjud without a slight hesitation of life-is-pretty-good-maybe-I'll-wake-up-tomorrow because well, life is pretty good, what's another night without tahajjud? I wish it's the same as any other day. It is not.

So if being sad is the only way to put my heart at ease, I'll take sadness anytime. 

After all it's better to be sad than to not feel anything.

Reality hits.

Truth is, I still feel like this is a phase of my life that soon, is going to pass.

This, too, shall pass.

Like it's only temporary. But who am I kidding right?

Underneath what seems to be the perfect life that we have now, there's a major fear deep inside us.

The fear of, unhappiness.

We're both desperate to get out of medicine. 

Let's get that out of the way - loud and clear.

That's the main reason why I don't usually talk about medicine and the likes, other than some occasional rants on how swamped I was with school and studies.

Unfortunately when there's two of you doing what you don't like (almost hate, even), the intensity grew over time.

I, for example, was only a wee bit relieved when I found out that I passed finals.

And while working here in the UK might sound glamorous to some, no it isn't. Not especially when you dread what you're doing.

I'll give you an example.

Adam had a 4-day annual leave. He welcomed it as a good rest. We went out for meals, slept in til late, all was fine and dandy. Until the last evening before he had to start working again. He'd whine and wail and moan and complain and just dread going to work the very next day.

Repeat this for a whole year. What am I to do? Do I say quit your job and follow your passion like a good friend does? Or keep going, it will get better, spoken from a fellow medical colleague? Or the best one yet, unfortunately we'll need a stable job with stable income - coming from a wife (never actually said that, phew).

And now it's my turn. Soon enough I'll step into his shoes. I can already foresee how unhappy we'd become.

Actually..

I'm already unhappy..

I made it through medical school relentlessly praying for Allah to make it easy for me. To open up a path through this all. To soften my heart in medicine.

But next week.. Is real. Working life.. Is real. Being a doctor.. Is real.

(I re-read the above and saw Israel, lol)

And I only have prayers and Him to guide me, inshaAllah.