Friday, November 25, 2016

Cry.

I was going to write about how we came around to finally decide on having a little one after years of being married. But for now I just want to be real, keeping this space as real as I can. No one likes to be around people who whine complain moan (insert all negativities here). I know I don't (didn't?). Somehow that's what my life has come to.

I came home from work crying last night. More like sobbing. Halfway through the walk home, I realised how all these while me being so stressed with work - it's unfair to people around me. To Adam. To Seed.

I only care about myself that I never really think the fact that I'm carrying another human being in me. I started the pregnancy all geared up, wanting the best for the little one. Unfortunately I got lost somehow that I thought, if I were going to survive this work, I have to do things differently.

And that something means taking a toll on Seed. I drink coffee - fully caffeinated - to survive another day of work. I purposely didn't take the tablets as I had such a short time between dinner and sleep, and they can make me feel uncomfortable - I value my comfort and sleep more than this little one's needs. I eat junks to keep going through the day - no more healthy home-made sandwiches - who even got time to make that when you're constantly on-call? 

And worst of all, I get so stressed and angry and bitter that I didn't even think how it might affect the baby I'm carrying.

So last night I cried. I cried for the times I raised my voice to another person on the phone when they get rude. I cried for the foul words I have been using every time something didn't go the way they should be. I cried for the times I subconsciously rub my tummy while my mind is fully occupied with other things, not really out of love for this little one. 

I cried for the outbursts I often lash out to Adam when I get frustrated. I cried for the house chores that I simply refused to do because I'm completely knackered by the end of the day. I cried for the times when I couldn't tell Adam how much I love him, how much I am thankful to have him by my side, simply because I couldn't let my guard down. I cried for the lack of person that I have become.

I am less of a wife, let alone a mom, all in the name of work. And I am nowhere near a good doctor. 

The saddest part? I don't even want to be one.