Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Have a little faith in me.

Will you like you if you meet you?

I would use "marry" instead of "like" but marriage is just between two people while "like" is something more universal, more general.

We love to talk about ourselves, opening up, sharing things. It's human nature. After all, it's easier to describe ourselves rather than others, merely because we always thought we know ourselves better than anyone else.

Not pointing to others, even me myself, after a super long endless ramblings and conversation with friends asking for my opinion, I would usually end up saying, "Aku cakap je apa yang aku rasa, how I see it, but the rest is up to you. You should know better. Kalau kau nak buat decision yang aku rasa tak betul lepas tanya aku segala bagai pun, who am I to question. Just one thing for sure, whatever decision you take, kau tau aku ada kat sini. When you look back, you will always have me."

How nice it is to know that you have someone who will not lose faith in you. Assurance. We are only human, we want certainties, assurance. Why do you think people keep on "borrowing problems from the future"? That's because we want certainties, we need to be sure that THINGS WILL BE ALRIGHT. And to know that someone will always be there even when things go wrong is just.. Enough.

But at times I do wonder to myself, do I really mean when I say I will always be there. Being me, there are always times when I just choose to retract myself from the world. Out of sudden. Mula mula tengok Bella bersepah kat Facebook spamming "counting days ♥" kat wall orang. Next minute, I don't even feel like replying to others. Random messages saying hi to some random people are left unreplied. No, I read them all. I just don't feel like replying. Or saying anything.

Then there's this penyakit malas-nak-reply-text. To be honest, I have Whatsapp messages left unreplied, those Viber texts, Skype and stuff, I read them all. I just don't feel like replying. And those are not from just some people, they're somewhat who I refer as friends. "Real" friends.

Kalau orang tegur kat Facebook Whatsapp Viber Skype segala pun susah nak reply, lagi nak claim "You will always have me"?

Someone who will not give up on me, who has never given up on me, who will always be there for me, no matter how messed up I am, no matter how stupid and ridiculous my decisions are, no matter how incomprehensible my act is, no matter how gedik my self-withdrawal seems to others.. When the world is against me.. When even me myself admit to having taken the wrong path.. When I am in doubt.. When I am in denial.. When I am left in uncertainties..

When the world keeps on questioning me when all I need is just the answer not another question..

And that someone might not give me the answer, but everything I need to know that there's always someone who will always have faith in me.

A home. A home to the heart. A heart to pour my soul out.

She, who will never reject me, who will never give up on me, no matter under what circumstances I am in, no matter how messed up my life is.

And then there's me, who's not too sure on who I am, who's wondering on what I've become, whose act isn't justifiable by words, who say things and then do otherwise,

who is not even sure if I will like me if I meet me.

Will you?

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