- Boxing Day. Don't know if it's me who's not enthusiastic or determined enough to bring myself to queue for Next and River Island, or it's just a plain disappointment. Maybe it's Leicester, small town with only Highcross as the main shopping mall. Or maybe it's me, the lazy one. Hoping for cheap bargains to come crashing down to my knee while just stealing glances at those sardine-like shops. Or perhaps not so sardine at all, I'm just exaggerating, as usual. But still, what a disappointment.
- It's 3 am and I can't sleep, nor can I study. Been staring at the news feed on Facebook keeping me updated on those ridiculous scenes of Boxing Day anywhere else other than Leicester. Crazy people. We never get enough of things. We buy as long as we can, then wonder where did our money go. But refuse to return the items we've bought. Ah, perempuan. Get all angry when labelled as typical, but still do all those typical things. Disappointing.
- Facebook again, have just successfully let some friends down, due to indecisiveness and lack of self-esteem and confidence. Complete hallucination of ranks of people in life leading to sistem kasta dalam diri sendiri. Nanti tak ada kawan langsung baru tahu. Let down, that's another two-word direct translation of disappointment.
- Major Facetime disappointment. Conversation ended up hanging, with the other person fell asleep while a long silence was going on, without me having an inch of effort to break it. Plain. Things feel plain. The excitements are gone. Nothing to look forward to. 2012 feels just as another year. The way we feel like we're just another person in someone's life. Major major disappointment.
- And rejection.
Tired of being rejected until there's a point where you feel like giving up. Like not putting any expectation nor hope. Have to be more realistic. Ekspektasi duniawi.
Dan di saat diri mengharapkan supaya orang lain tidak berputus asa dengan diri ini, terasa seakan diri sendiri pula yang semakin tidak meletakkan harapan kepada orang lain. Penat untuk bertahan, menerima satu demi satu kekecewaan bukan semudah yang dilihat. Harus kuat, tapi sampai bila. Dan soalnya, perlukah bertahan sampai begitu sekali?
Yes, I feel like giving up on you.
Maka harus membuang harapan mahupun angan angan atau secara realistiknya suatu cita cita yang tidak perlu. Masa depan bukan milik kita. Masa depan satu rahsia. Tak perlu merancang kiranya tiada keperluan. Kalau tidak harus berdepan dengan kekecewaan. Lagi.
Ah, itu baru kecewa dengan dunia.
And I'm sorry (for myself) that I didn't give up on us when you did.