Thursday, October 6, 2011

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.

All this while, perasan atau tak, I have always taken the easy way out. When I'm upset over something, I let it pass. When I'm scared to find out the truth, I pretend not to care. When I don't have the answer to something, I leave the question hanging. And when I don't quite like how things turn out to be now, I leave the past that has been shaping the present.

Easy. Way. Out.

And pretend like it's not there. Not at all. No traces. Nothing.

That explains why I chose to hide all my previous entries when something came up some time ago. I was running away from reality. From the past. From the life I was having.

Little did I realize, by doing that, I was actually shunning a huge part of myself. My true own self.

Konon nak move on, tapi hakikatnya? Macam menafikan sesuatu yang pernah kau ada. Menafikan sesuatu yang bukan setakat milik kau, tapi memang sebahagian daripada diri kau sendiri.

The past. And that includes myself.

Kau buat reflection segala bagai, trying hard to appear strong, but deep inside? You're still holding on. Berpegang kepada sesuatu yang kau pun tak pasti. Tujuan hide semua entry dulu? Sebab nak move on, tak nak dah fikir apa yang pernah jadi dulu.

Tapi pernah tak terfikir, apa yang kau belajar daripada semua tu? All the memories, the sadness, the pain, the moments. They are the ones that have been building you up all this while.

And good times? Kenapa nak lari daripada semua tu? They are meant to be treasured. They might never happen again, so cherish whatever you had. Of course, sometimes they're not very pleasant to think of, especially knowing that it might not happen again. Tapi..

Perlu ke sampai deny yang semua tu pernah terjadi?

I don't do regrets. I learn from someone, never regret. Because at one point, that's what you really wanted. Until it becomes no longer yours.

And once it is no longer yours, do you really have to act like it never happened in the first place?

Seriously Steve Jobs video had me thinking hard on how I have been treating my past all this while.

I shun them.

Dan lupa. Lupa dengan apa yang pernah berlaku. Lupa dengan silap diri sendiri. Mungkin terlalu berpegang dengan idea buat apa tengok belakang, it won't do you any good. And once I leave, I never look back. That was me. WAS.

Sebab sekarang baru sedar, betapa pentingnya reflect diri sendiri, dan tak lari dari kenyataan hidup. 21 years of living, and only know I realize. Slow learner betul.

Don't deny your past, Bella. Don't shun them. Live with them. They somehow have been building you up, moulding you into who you are now. They are a part of you. Denying them means denying yourself, who you used to be. It's unfair for those who existed in your life back then. It's unfair to yourself, your present self.

The more in denial you are, the harder you'll learn to accept. Worse, the harder it is for you to learn from the mistakes you did.

I'm trying to go easy on myself. Be more flexible, more considerate to myself. And because of that, I am publishing all my previous entries again. Some of them might not be relevant now, some of them might hurt to the core, but they're the ones that I have been living with.

I shall not be scared of memories. They are, somewhat, my treasure. My precious.

In memories of Steve Jobs, 1955-2011;
Keep looking, don't settle.

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