I was so stressed out that I made another rainbow cake.

Yes, that rainbowculously leceh rainbow cake. Again.

Adam, you're so gonna burp rainbow one day. And puke. And fart. And poop rainbow too. Or perhaps you'll sneeze rainbow who knows.

Doakan. (II)

I sure love writing, don't I?

Just when I am about to face the real book aka studying, my mind goes wandering around. Everything becomes so interesting. I immediately feel like a genius, with this and that idea in mind. Can't focus at all! Sigh.

Recently (it's always like that, very recent one, duhh) I've been thinking about the word "pray/doa/wish/hope" dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Especially DOA. The most powerful weapon yet, for us, Muslims.

"Aku doakan kau lepas exam."

"Kita doakan mak awak cepat sembuh."

Etc.

But to what extent we really make du'a for them? Honestly if you ask me, before that I used to say such phrases, kita doakan itu ini, lets pray that bla bla and such. Tapi sekadar di mulut/twitter/komen Facebook.

Did I really mention their names in my prayers? No.

Baru-baru ni tergerak hati untuk duduk lama sikit atas sejadah lepas solat, pondering life and all the living things. Ambil masa untuk sebut nama kawan-kawan sorang sorang, doakan yang terbaik untuk dorang. Doakan secara general jugak, supaya semua keluarga/kawan-kawan dilindungi Allah. Tapi rasanya lagi puas bila mention nama sorang sorang. Alhamdulillah. Cakap kawan baik, sayangkan dorang, apa salahnya sebut nama dorang dalam doa? Tak sampai seminit.

Yes, making du'a is not necessarily after prayers. Cop prayers tu doa ke solat? Haish. Faham sendirilah kan. Kadang-kadang bila teringat secara random tentang manusia ini manusia itu yang struggle dengan mak sakit, yang struggle financially, terdetik jugak, Ya Allah, permudahkanlah jalan dorang. Sembuhkanlah mak orang ni orang tu Ya Allah. Bagi orang tu orang ni dapat internship kat company yang dia nak. Itupun dikira doa, kot?

Kalau itu je yang mampu kita buat, itulah yang kita patut buat.

Lagi satu, kadang-kadang terasa macam dah lama tak betul-betul mengadap Ilahi. Bukan mati ye adik-adik, tapi betul-betul rasa macam mengadap Tuhan. Susah betul nak menangis dalam solat, dalam doa. Tak rasa langsung. Nak nak lepas balik cuti Easter yang panjang gila asyik on the go boleh solat jamak, maka doa pun jamak lah. Ribut kelam kabut doa laju laju Ameen terus lipat sejadah. Sebelum Easter pulak tak boleh solat, so nak sync balik solat dan doa tu MashaAllah sikit punya susah. Subuh jangan cakap, kejut pun tak bangun T_T

So cakap kat diri sendiri I have to get back on track. Bangun malam, qiam, Subuh in time, Al-Quran bukak balik, sunat dhuha, Mathurat jangan tinggal. Kena jugak cuba walaupun susah.

Bila dah start sikit sikit, baru terasa macam normal, rasa cukup. Dan sekarang cuba nak improve timing untuk doa. Biar lama sikit atas sejadah tu. Masa solat bila start merewang je otak ni, terus ingatkan diri, kalaulah ini solat yang terakhir, macam mana? Ya Allah, I present you my last solat, in the best way I could do it.

Dan doalah sepenuh hati. Mintak betul-betul dengan Allah. Yakin. Macam mana kita nak mintak tukar course dengan MARA, dengan Allah kena lebih lagi. MARA bagi scholarship je, duit, Allah bagi semua. Sebut apa yang kita nak. Cakap dengan Allah. Monolog. Allah dengar jangan risau. So I tried "talking" to him. Literally talking to him. Mengadu. Kalau sebelum ni doa macam skrip drama dalam hati, sekarang cuba untuk bercakap sampai keluar suara. Dengan yakin. Alhamdulillah it works for me. Bila cakap betul betul sampai keluar suara, mintak betul betul, keyakinan tu lagi bertambah. I know He's listening. And I feel enlightened. Kadang kadang sampai menangis sebab overwhelmed dengan emosi, especially bila fikir diri sendiri yang banyak sangat nak mintak itu ini, tapi dosa MashaAllah melangit tinggi.

Try. Speak to Him. Voice it out. May you feel it. The feeling that He is so near. He is, indeed.

We created man, We know the prompting of his soul, and We are closer to him than his jugular vein.

Surah Qaf: 16

Multi-task.

A lot of things have been going on recently. Back in Leicester. Restless. Left for London. Just came back. And a cold war with Adam (as usual).

He forgot the big day (supposedly on Thursday 26 April, but postponed to today, Friday 27 April), and then asked if I'm upset about it.

Duuudeeee, seriouslyyy?

But it's alright since he called when I was in London yesterday, asking if he did any wrong, simply because he could sense it. Well, I didn't wake him up for class, that for one thing (when I actually got too caught up with the coach and London tubes and everything, no hard feeling).

Now that I'm back in Leicester, we could finally really talk. Man how I miss talking to him like nobody's business. Sigh.

Thing about him is, he always feels that I always do cute stuff. Like everything I say, he'll respond by saying "Awak ni comel lah." When asked what the comel-ness is about, he can't explain it. Gahh. So much for being cute. For example, when I said I am left broke again after the London trip and can't afford to pay full May rent, I read this FB message to him on the phone.

And he went on with the comel thing again. Like seriouslyy??? I'm broke and you think I'm cuteee? But when asked if he could lend me some money he quickly changed the topic. Huh. Again. So much for the comelness huh?

We were on the phone not exactly knowing what we were talking about. He was cooking and I was too busy rummaging my Mac for emails and stuff.

He kept ooooh-haaa-ingg, while insisting that he could multi-task, cooking and being on the phone. And made weird sounds like, PLOOP! when he dropped tomatoes into his curry. Funny guy.

Bella: What are you cooking?

Adam: Same old boring thing. Curry. (his favourite lauk malas has always been curry)

Bella: Asyik kari je. Nanti housemates awak muntah kari.

Adam: Mana ada. Dorang kentut kari lah.

Bella: Ha, the other day I was thinking of commenting nak suap awak rainbow cake hari hari sampai kentut pun keluar rainbow, but it would be too tak senonoh I changed it to burp keluar rainbow.

Adam: Hish mana boleh cakap kat public. Adam ni kalau orang tengok muka tak kentut tau. Jatuh la standard.

Bella: Yea right, muka yang kalau kentut pun mesti bau wangi kan?

We then laughed.

Which I'm not pretty sure he will still say that I'm comel after reading this.

Adam, I miss you. Call me once you're back from movie (or if you want me to remove this post). 

Doakan.

Esok hari besar (lagi). Semoga dipermudahkan inshaAllah.

Ps. Thank you for the wish you. Nanti I bagi you rainbow cake sepam. Makan sambil dengar lagu Bieber.

Rainy rainbow.

I don't know which one is cuter, to puke rainbow or to burp rainbow.

A Gift of Love.

I can never forget the night when he went outside at a gas station to check if the other friend was filling in the air into the tyres correctly.

It struck me, how completely capable he is. He drove the turns and bends while everyone was asleep without much questions. He took charge of the directions when GPS seemed of no help. He could find the tiniest space to park the car and parked it almost flawlessly.

I want to be responsible for you.

A part of me was blooming with hope and bliss, while another small part was raging with pride, you don’t think I can’t take care of myself, do you?

Often I ponder to myself, what is it about him that makes me go through all odds not to walk away despite the differences we have. He could be overprotective and possessive, and that drives me crazy more than anything else.

But he takes care of me like no one ever does.

Little did I realise that it was the responsibility that he’s been talking about.

I left for England last year in September. When I first got here, he was already the president of Malaysian Students Society of Northern Ireland (MSSNI). Then I realised that I never really had the chance to have him as a normal.

Back in Kolej MARA Banting, he was the Academic Bureau of Students Council. And the CEO of GEM. And some other stuff. After IB when we visited the college occasionally, he was still regarded as someone by the teachers.

Me, on the other hand, was much on the couldn’t-be-bothered side. I’d prefer to remain unknown.

There was one time when I even asked him if he could be normal.

It just didn’t work. Recently he was elected as the President again, this time for Queen’s Malay Club (QMC).

Deep down, I was not quite sure if that was what I really wanted from him. Having such a huge responsibility as a President means that his society is in the priority list. I’ve been through it once, while he was the President of MSSNI. Not funny.

Then I remember when he asked me if he should run for QMC. My answer was simple, if it makes you happy.

It does. So there he is, as the new President of QMC for the next academic year, standing (literally) tall and proud of his newly acquired responsibility.

And here I am, in my own room, sitting to myself, smiling silently as I think of how blessed I am, to have such a man with such a great capability in being responsible. And for having someone who’s willing to take the greatest responsibility of having a woman in his life. Me.

Congratulations on your newly finished essays done in one day before deadline, when you were given weeks to do it. You shall now start focusing on your studies before another responsibility kicks in. 

And oh, please dont be normal. We never really are, anyway.

Ps. I am really proud of you.