The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you.

Was randomly hopping music videos on youtube, when this played.

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

I realised the song was released sometime in 2009. Since then it has been on my phone as Adam's ringtone. Since the stone age of my pink Samsung til my current iPhone. Since we first got together. Since then. Til now.

And that's more than 5 years of listening to the same old song whenever he calls. 5 years, that's a heck of a long time to have the same song on your phone. Lol.

The lyric's pretty much about a person missing the other half, although I'm not too sure if it's a separation by death or by distance. 

"I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist deep in thought because
When I think of you
I don't feel so alone."

This song kinda makes me sad, though. It's like a reminder that this distance isn't going anywhere, that I'll still be listening to it fairly often. The words cut deep.

A little trivia - Owl City's lead singer is Adam Young.

"Oh darling I wish you were here."

Vaginas, vaginas everywhere.

Someone commented that I rarely talk about school/medicine on my blog, so here goes.

Look at all the motivation I have.

(None).

This O&G block is starting rather slowly. Not complaining - in fact, thank you med school! Truth is since last week, I've only been to the ward once, a post-menopausal bleed (PMB) clinic, and a tutorial. Which btw, I don't wish to attend the PMB clinic again (which I will have to because it's on my timetable, sigh). 

Last time before we ended our geriatrics (equivalent to elderly care), our consultant wished us luck with the babies. I was so tempted to correct him by saying, it's actually vaginas. Vaginas, vaginas everywhere. Suffice to say I did not. Geriatricians can be very serious and lack of humour (in a kind way), I didn't think he'd appreciate me saying it.

So now yeah, vaginas, vaginas everywhere. Which doesn't help because I'm pretty disturbed by the sight of em thingies, male and female alike, since the theory years of med school. Even the sight of pelvic floor muscles in the anatomy textbook makes me cringe. Now.. We have the real stuff. Poking through the vagina, up through the cervix, into the womb.. Hysteroscopy, that is. Nevermind the pain. Doctor said it's like period pain, patient said bloody hell it was nothing like period pain! (Doctor was a male, btw). You know, male, period pain, um, what do they know? One after another. Cringe. Again. One after another. Cringe.

And I haven't actually seen/deliver a baby yet. Well, I've seen a caesarean before, not vaginal delivery though. Oh just the thought of it.. Cringe some more.

And poking through a pregnant lady's tummy to 'guess' the baby's position, poor mommy. I'll go for ultrasound instead, thank you very much. Which of course is not always the case since you can't get ultrasound in the community. Oh, poor mommys. This medical student has no idea what she's doing, we're so sorry.

It will get better as the block progresses, I believe. It definitely will. Meanwhile I'm off to poke some pregnant tummys in the antenatal clinic this afternoon.

(Going to thank my mom, again.)

Oh and gee.

Sebenarnya, bosan gila weh buat workbook. And sebenarnya baru perasan things related to O&G (that's obstetrics and gynaecology not oil and gas you engineer people) mostly warna pink. Like purplish pink, keperempuanan gitu.

How stereotype.

And sebenarnya semalam tak pegi sekolah sebab tak ready nak jumpa perempuan mengandung, nak beranak, keguguran, dan yang sewaktu dengannya lepas trauma tengok darah PV (per vagina) sorang pesakit hari Khamis lepas. Dia miscarry at 12 weeks, pada hari yang sama dia sepatutnya datang untuk dating scan.

Tengah bersiap nak pergi hospital untuk scan, tiba tiba sakit perut and keluar darah banyak.

Instead of pergi hospital nak tengok baby, pergi hospital untuk keluarkan miscarried baby dalam perut. Sedih.

Lagi sedih bila product of conception (in a very crude lay term, the miscarried 'baby') was a result of molar pregnancy. In another very crude lay term, boleh jadi cancer. Boleh jadi. Orang kita ni kadang kadang semua nak kanser je. So boleh jadi, ada possibility. Belum tentu lagi. Nurse cakap patient tak boleh get pregnant for another 6 months.

Sedih lagi bila husband patient tu is acually a paediatric cardiologist. At the same hospital. So patient tau/faham dengan apa yang berlaku, sefaham fahamnya.

Baru sehari pergi ward, sedih.

Then semalam satu hari berkurung kat rumah buat workbook pasal pregnancy and delivery. They put it as if pregnancy is a disease. Pregnancy is hard work. Babies are hard work. Mad respect untuk perempuan mak mak di luar sana. 

Atau mungkin dah banyak sangat bergelumang dengan cold hard facts kot. Perasaan mak sayang anak tu, Allah je tau.

Go thank your mom. Now.

Undomesticated.

My current life in a single picture.

Of all the chores, laundry is the one that gets me most. I can dread doing the laundry so much that I cry while doing it. Gaya Cinderella kena paksa buat laundry by mak tiri.

Also, anything to do with packing. Hence the suitcase and 2 overnight bags lying around, secretly hoping someday they'll unpack themselves. Funny how my life revolves around traveling, packing and unpacking, and I still can't get my head around it.

Or actually, I'm just lazy. And a little bit sad. That's all.

Good news is, I'm back in Leicester for the next 7 weeks! And it's always nicer to be sad in my own room.

Long way home.

That darn price, I know. 

Heavy sigh.

And the meticulous planner in me calculated that total journey from Leicester would cost around £650. From LEICESTER, not London nor Paris. For a peak summer British Airways flight. It's pretty much a 'direct' flight since most of the journey consists of London - Kuala Lumpur leg. And I can always get off at London Heathrow on the return journey without completing the second leg back to Paris. So that's a true direct flight. For £650 on British Airways. No brainer, hey?

Average peak summer flight is around £800 for the flights alone, not including travelling to and from the airport. And we're talking about transits, the usual airlines - Emirates, Etihad and the likes.

£650 all in for a 'direct' flight back home. British Airways. In summer time. Peak summer.

I did not, though.

Spent nearly 3 hours looking into this - flights, different airports, other options, cheapest travel plans, you name it. And eventually decided against it.

I know I just need something to look forward to just to keep me going, and the last 3 years have proven that a flight ticket home is a powerful motivator. It's a darn good reason to get one. Something to look forward to. Something to hold on to.

Still, I did not. 

I'm better than a sad potato relying on a flight ticket home to keep going.

"Sometimes we have to put our happiness aside to make others happy
- it's called sacrifice." - AM

And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion;

“It’s easy to minimize a person’s hurt without understanding the nature of pain. People often like to categorize how much a person should or shouldn’t hurt about things. For example, when someone is upset about something, they say, “At least you’re not paralyzed, or starving in Africa.” While it’s imperative to be grateful for what we have, I think people often mistaken the nature of pain, when they ‘categorize’ in this way. The criteria for how much something hurts is not dependent on the thing itself. It is dependent on 2 things:

1. The strength of the attachment.

2. The level of Divine help.

Therefore to minimize the devastation of pain:

1. Don’t be attached to (dependent on) temporary things.

2. Seek Divine help.

And don’t assign judgement for people’s pain.” 

― Yasmin Mogahed

 And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion; but the home of the Hereafter is best for those who fear Allah, so will you not reason? [Al-An'am 6:32]