Wednesday, January 6, 2016

It's okay.

Let's be honest. 2016 didn't start too well in the school and learning department. 

I have another rotation before study week and finals, and it's AnE ie Emergency Department in Burton for 7 weeks. So last Sunday we left for Burton - 4 of us Malaysians in the group. Everything started fine and dandy, we were excited to finish the darn block (only starting, looking forward to finish already?), and having just had 3 weeks break, we were all (kinda) geared up. 

Until we were told by the hospital people that there were no keys left for us. 

Long story short, we ended up in Travelodge, a nearby hotel for the night. It did cost us £21 each, but the hospital said we'd be reimbursed. 

Only to be told the day after that it wouldn't be reimbursed. We fought for it, saying it's not our fault, and til today still waiting for the answer. 

Another thing is, I had to submit my elective proposal form by this Friday. And of course I thought I still had time to do it, having to wait for the confirmation letter anyway. 

Until my laptop crashed and wouldn't boot up. 

My trusty old machine is now giving up on me. After nearly 5 years. 

It has been making clunky noises, fair enough, but I didn't expect it to go too soon. And guess what? It went kaput about 10 minutes after me completing the elective form, but not yet backing it up, ie saving to cloud storage. Imagine the horror!

This happened on Monday afternoon, on my first day of outblock, after a long tiring night at Travelodge, after a looong 3 weeks break in Malaysia where I could've had it looked at or even better, get a new one! Of all the times!!!

Ha, maghah ni, maghah. 

Called Apple, said it's probably a hard drive thing, the earliest appointment I could get with the Genius Bar is this Saturday. Guess what, ain't no Apple in Burton, yo! 

So on Tuesday I went to hospital library wanting to finish the works ie re-do the elective form on the public computers. But hey Bella, you don't remember your personal emails password, remember??!!?? 

Had to go for 'Forgot my password' and have a confirmation text sent to my phone. And guess what? Yes, my phone HAD TO DIE within seconds of clicking 'Send text to my phone'. Of course.

Things couldn't get any worse. 

I was so upset, so frustrated that I turned off the computer and headed back to my accommodation and had early dinner while crying. Yes, crying sobbing while having dinner on your own in your room because your laptop crashed sounds too pathetic. 

But I was really sad. Honestly, really really sad. But I couldn't express it how because I don't know how to. I'm not much of a complainer, I'm the silver lining person. All is always well with me. 

But all was not well. I was tired, I'm on outblock (which I hate with passion), I have finals in 10 weeks time, and I have a deadline in few days! Nothing was well. 

So I went to Puteri's room, in desperate effort to let it out, to not be okay, to be really really sad. She admitted that she thought my reaction to my laptop crashing the day before was too cool, like it didn't affect me much, when the truth was I went to bed almost straight after it happening because I was too upset! But nope, couldn't do it. We ended up having a conversation about this, though. About how I have suppressed my emotions/anger/sadness to the point that I don't know how to channel it out, and it's slowly eating me up on the inside. 

Still, I couldn't let it out. I can cry myself to sleep, or sob out loud in the shower, but not really to others. 

So I called Adam, saying that "I reeeally don't know how to tell you that I'm reeeeallly sad that my laptop crashed." To which he replied, "You don't have to, I know."

But I wanted to cry, to scream, to make a scene, to rant it out, to reeaaallly complain about it! I ended up crying a bit and that was it. 

In the end we sorted a few things out. I managed to get Adam rummaging my paperworks for an important letter, managed to eventually settle the elective form with the help of Puteri's laptop, even managed to watch our simulation video we had earlier. 

I know I sound veeery negative now, but all these, and at the end of the day I still think, I have a lot to be grateful for! Had the Travelodge thing not happen, I wouldn't back up my data on a cloud storage, thanks to Puteri showing me how to. And that's just one. 

Earlier in a teaching, I got side-tracked a bit, when my mind wandered to the last few days I was in Malaysia. I kept having tummy ache and loose stools after meals, that I worried about my upcoming ridiculously long flight (it was nearly 16 hours on air, but hey, we got here). Then it struck me how I, uhm, got a tiny wee bit constipated on the day before the flight, until I'm in UK for a couple of days. 

He answered my prayer! I mean, not pooing for a few days ain't nice, but better than diarrhoea in aircraft toilet! And I only realised it just now? (To be fair the teaching talked abit about constipation). Well that is something to be grateful for. 

Anyways, I still think I need to let things out more. And acknowledge the unpleasant feelings I get - be it sadness, anger, frustration. Acknowledge that things are not okay, and that's okay too. 

Fuhh, typing this on the phone makes my fingers go cramp, buy hey presto, it makes me feel better already! 

Accepting that things are not okay does not mean you're being ungrateful. It means that you're human. You deserve to be wronged, you deserve to be imperfect. And it's okay too.

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