Saturday, June 28, 2014

How do you explain about crying over seeing nearly 20 people making their way into your house?

You don't.

There was a quite an incident at our place yesterday. By 'our' I mean Nadd and I. Our house. Leicester.

So there was this barbeque thing that was supposed to happen in the park very near to our place. Just as they were done getting things ready, it rained like mad. Nadd went there slightly earlier than I planned to - which to be fair then I was still contemplating if I wanted to go since the idea of meeting people did not seem too appealing that time.

Nadd then called me to say that it was raining and I might not want to come. Problem was, how were they going to do the barbeque in the first place if it rained like mad? We knew we had a shed at the back of our house that they could use as shelter.. So naturally we agreed to offer the space for them to use - with one limitation, there's only so many people that can fit into the living room since Kak Suzi is moving out and her boxes are all in the living room. And Nadd made it clear to the guys that it would be appreciated if they did not go into the living room. The reason was simple, we value privacy so much that we did not wish Kak Suzi to feel that her space was being violated, especially when it came in a very short notice. It is, after all, her house as well.

But what we did not know was, more people were coming. To our place. In my mind I thought as it was raining people would not come so we probably could manage the number of people there already was. Boy I was wrong. More people came. And I freaked out.

The moment Nadd brought them into the backyard, I freaked out. I remember standing behind the door leading upstairs in shock, man I did not expect this. I was not prepared for this.

And the feeling was so horrifying that I just went upstairs into my room and tremble. In great distress.

And cried.

Now how do you explain that to people?

I made it clear many times that I am not so much of a people person. But they still think I'm joking or worse, being sarcastic.

And to make matters worse, something happened later on due to the limited space and the horrible weather and the inconsiderate people and of course, the freaked out us ie. Nadd and I.

It was horrible. I really don't mind having people at my place as long as they get the fact that I AM OFFERING YOU MY PLACE NOT MYSELF OR MY PRESENCE.

I would really appreciate if they understand that I needed the time to adjust to the presence of a bunch of people in my space and the need to just be alone and gather my sanity and confidence back.

I would really appreciate it if they understand when I say I AM NOT MUCH OF A PEOPLE PERSON.

I mean it.

Now I feel like crying again.

I stayed in the room for quite a while before eventually going downstairs to meet everyone, and that after Nadd had her own blow from some inconsiderate people who blew it in her face saying she was not a good host.


It really hurt. It hurt when people choose not to understand.

In their defence, they were a bit puzzled as well since we did offer the space so why would we freak out so much? I pretty much understand that.

But then I say it again, people freak me out.

Do they not notice how very rarely I join events here and even if I do, I make as minimum contact as possible? Do they not even notice that? How I avoid eye contact whenever I can?

People exhaust me. Social interactions exhaust me.

There's a reason why I don't really bring Adam to go out in groups here. There's a reason why I always try to stick to him whenever we go to events, particulary his events. There's a reason why I'm always missing from social gatherings. There's a reason why I still choose to just go out with Nadd even when there's a bunch of people organising a day out. There's a reason why I choose to wait for the bus alone buried in my headphones rather than making conversation with the others.

Yesterday when I eventually went downstairs to see what was going on, people were like, "Eh, Belllaaaaaa.." etc. And all I said was "Sila sila teruskan kehidupan seperti biasa."

In another word, ignore me, I'm fine. As long as you guys are having a good time (or partially good time especially in such small space and horrible weather and unfathomable act of us), I would be fine as well. 

But to be honest I'm not sure if they get it. If anyone will ever get it. I know most of the times people mean well, I truly appreciate that.

It's even harder to fathom because I am not quiet per se. I can appear very socialable and animated when it comes to conversation.

After I went to any gatherings or social events, I always make a comment "So that's enough dose of my social contact now," which really means I don't feel the need to see people for some time then.

And after the incident yesterday, I just feel like I don't want to see people for an indefinite time.

But funny enough, when I asked myself if I would do it again ie. invite people to come over to our place, I answered myself a yes.

I believe guests come with rezeki. They are to be welcomed.

It's just my social awkwardness. I do apologise for any shortcomings yesterday.

Salam Ramadhan. May this Ramadhan bring a better us. InshaAllah.

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