Mutual.

I'm not good at saying those three words. Dulu mungkin ya, hari hari nak love you segala bagai. I guess I grew up saying "I love you" to my parents (and brother, romantic yaw) so tak malu nak leb leb dengan orang dan kawan kawan. Auwh.

But not anymore. Somehow along the way I lost that romantic side of me (as if I ever had any). I don't know how to say I love you as frequently. Not even the word "sayang".

So when someone said they love me, I can easily blush, segan sorang sorang, terus senyap taktau dah nak cakap apa. HIKHIK. *gelak mintak kaki*

Like the other day, I mengadu to a friend that Nadd was being garang to me, jokingly. Nadd was there too, so she immediately said, "Garang sebab sayang you la tau tak?"

SPEECHLESS. DIA CAKAP DIA SAYANG KITA OHMAIGOD. DEPAN ORANG PULAK TU. OHMAIGOD.

Hahaha yes I was stumped! Sengih sorang sorang je la lepas tu. Syok sendiri mak hai.

And there was one time when Teacher Ima said "I love you" and I was blushing like mad, and just had to tweet about it because I couldn't contain my excitement!

And when Kak Hana replied my text some time ago saying "Sayang awak!"

OH OH BREATHE, BREATHE. *gasping for air*

Over gila I know. But I have come to a point where love is so precious, that when I say I love someone I mean it as hell. Nevermind if others say it just as casually. Nevermind if they feel it's just another word, another expression. I take it to heart. STRAIGHT TO HEART. Sometimes the most I could say would be "Loves!" or just the lame ♥ thing. Even if I do love them, I just don't know where to start.

Then there's this girl.

 I still remember the first time I actually said I love her, I was like, WOW I FINALLY TOLD HER.

Not that I didn't sayang her before, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. So when I finally did, I was like, WOW. Another milestone in this friendship.

Mutual. Sounds good to me ♥

No one can hurt you without your consent.

Today is Ummi's birthday. 24th April. FYI she is 14 days younger than Ayah. Ayah was born on 10th April in the same year. So that makes them sebaya. Sebab tu la asyik nak challenge each other's opinion je. Cakap member sebaya. Kahkah.

Okay tak.

Me and Adam.. We're sebaya too. Except that I'm older than him YES I KNOW HOW SO NOT COOL IS THAT. We're four months apart though. Mine is 1st June (hint, people, hint!) and his is 1st October. So I'm older than him by four months. And that means he should call me unni or nuna or whatever. AND OBEY MY WORDS.

Except that he's the husband so I have to obey him more tsk.

Not the point though.

I remember on my whichever birthday some ancient years ago, Ayah gave me a book titled "Baitullah ke Nabilah." It's a collection of short stories (cerpens?). He also gave my brother, named Zahid, another book titled "Kisah Seorang Zahid".

Yes my father is so romantic like that.

But one thing I can never forget was on my twelfth birthday, when Ayah gave me a birthday present of I-can't-remember-what-it's-either-nerd-stuff-or-cool-ones. The message was the highlight of it.

"Happy birthday Nabilah. We love you. No one can hurt you without your consent."

At the age of twelve, the later part wasn't something I really thought about. Almost all my attention went to the "love" bit. Oh yes I'm a big sucker of love.

Now that I think of it.. Ayah is a big fan of "choices". He's a firm believer that whatever we have become today is a result of our own choices.

You choose to let it hurt you.

You choose to be sad.

You choose to do Medicine. 

(despite me insisting that it's my parents' choice, but in a way, I agreed to it, so it's my choice too)

You are responsible for your own choice.

Soo.. When he said "No one can hurt you without your consent", I guess he meant that when something happens, it's my choice to decide how to feel about it.

Things can't break you if you don't let them to.

I guess that's it. A birthday post for my Mum about me. Because I need all the love and attention and everything. Mihmih.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!

I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!

and..

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY AYAH!

YOU'RE MY MOST ULTIMATE BOYFRIEND EVER!

I'm all feeling mushy lovey dovey about this whole birthday thing and they sent me this makan besar picture. How nice.

LDR.

"I can still rasa disayangi banyak2."

Then I guess I'm pretty good with LDR too.

<3

Counting my blessings.

It all started yesterday evening when I felt the sudden urge to cry. The dissertation was a pure torture, I was as close to flipping the desk with my laptop on it, except that I couldn't because my study desk is built in. Spoil gila.

But then good things came one after another.

Called KN, it was 2 in the morning Malaysian time. Oh well since when do I care about the time difference anyway. He picked up, only to whisper, "Wayang wayang."

Ceh tengah tengok movie rupanya. Midnight pulak tu. Kemain lagi kau TGIF kat Malaysia ye KN.

But then later he texted saying I could call him and when I did, he asked his favourite question, 

"Kau okay ke?"

KENAPA SEMUA ORANG INGAT KALAU KITA CALL AT ODD HOURS IT MEANS I'M NOT OKAY?

Well I wasn't too okay anyway so the question was kinda appreciated. Last few times when he asked me that question I'd be storming "KAU INGAT AKU CALL KAU MASA TAK OKAY JE KE?"

Lol. Emosi wanita habaq hang.

Anyway, I was homesick (and still am), and KN knows me too well to expect that. So he changed the subject and told me like, a year worth of his stories. Which worked because five minutes later I was already laughing and screaming and throwing ridiculous questions at him.. And stalking FB..

Gossip kemain. Lulz.

We only hung up because I ran out of credit (like last time I called him GAAH I'M SOO POOR HOW SAD. But still, it was a good hour of catching up tsk NANGES.

Then later that night we had some makan makan with Leicester people who just got back from their umrah. Almost everyone was there, it was such a good crowd (although me and Nadd as usual chose the most isolated spot and ate the like nobody's business)

They were asking if I made a doa when I was at Jabal Rahmah (the place where Adam AS met Hawa after they were sent to Earth) when I went for my umrah three years back. And when I said yes, I did pray for the right man, or rather, to be exact, asked if Adam was the right one for me, they got all excited and went, "OMG SO YOU ACTUALLY MARRIED THE GUY YOU PRAYED FOR AT JABAL RAHMAH?"

Yes apparently I did. ALHAMDULILLAH :')

Went home, called Adam, and finally had his flight tickets to Leicester booked. I'm a happy wife :D

And earlier this morning, we had Leicester Malaysian Run, which was my first marathon in how so many years OMG, and managed to finish it yay!

Handsome bai.

And came home to a good lunch with all three housemates!

Nasi lemak with sotong celup tepung. SEDAP GILA I CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED BY MY DIET. TSK.

After the good lunch with housemates, called Kak Hana in India on Facetime, and it was finally four of us in 91 Grange Court again! All four housemates! I was actually so touched because I hardly Facetime-ed anyone other than the usual people (and that means Adam 95 times out of 100), so when I called her, it felt sooo... WAAHHHHH THIS IS LOVE. 

Again, a good hour of catching up! Oh how we miss her wuuu.

And last for today (though I'm wishing for more good things to come),

here's my new cousin!

Another baby cousin weehooo!

Btw here's a conversation between me and Adam about babies,

Me: Awak, nak baby.

Him: Takleh. Selagi awak ada perasaan nak sepak orang selagi tu la awak takleh ada baby.

Me: Alaaa.. Tapi baby tu kita punya, biar lah kita nak sepak sepak puuunn.

Him: Hey baby tu KITA punya okay, suka hati you je nak sepak anak I.

Gosh I hope my future kids won't read this. Mummy loves you okay.

Just the way you are.

Him: Awak, ada orang cakap awak cantik.

Her: Hm, okay.

Him: Mestila cantik kan tengok la wife sape alolo cantik sangat wife kita ni haaa.

Her: ..??..

Adam is one guy full of compliments - and he means it. A few times he stared at me a long time and suddenly said, "Awak ni cantik lah". Me? I'd usually take it with a smile or just brushed it off. 

After all he's my husband, he could be biased. Like how I thought he's the most handsome guy on Earth with his adorable mata sepet la kan. Hikhik.

(No I'm not biased, Adam sangat handsome okay)

OMG statement apakah?

But anywho, yes, he always calls me pretty, beautiful, and the likes. Sikit sikit, "Ala comel sangat isteri kita ni" etc etc. Kadang kadang rasa macam APAKAH jugak la.

Because to be honest there are times when I feel veeeery inferior with my look. Like when my skin decides to go on strike so I'll have breakouts here and there, or when suddenly my eye bags decide to go on a show and become very prominent.. Or when I thought the curls on my hair just wouldn't stay put.. Walhal memang forever kat situ kan? Bad hair day kemain. Over je lebih.

Or ultimately when I thought I'm fat that I can't wear certain types of clothes because they wouldn't look too flattering on me.. NO. I can be self concious.

One thing I thought while watching this video.. The artist could be biased. He knew that the aim of the whole activity was to prove how women think lowly of themselves. So he could be drawing the self-description bits a little too sloppily.

But somehow I still feel that my husband means it when he calls me pretty. And I do feel pretty, because I know I am loved.

You don't need to look pretty to impress strangers on the streets. Just love yourself, and remember there's always someone out there who thinks you're pretty, just the way you are.

Aceceh, Bruno Mars pulak dah.

You owe your parents a lot. You never prayed to have them, but they may have prayed to have you.

Quoted by Mufti Ismail Menk

Last night I had another (major) relapse. I was crying hard from missing Adam and having to sleep alone. Worse, Adam was nowhere to answer the phone.

So I had to opt for my safest resort - my mum.

It was nearly 5 in the morning, and if I were her I would probably answer the phone with an hour lecture of the importances of a good sleep. Instead, she answered with a worried voice. "What happened?"

Not for long though. Right after I mentioned "Rindu Adam" with a loud snort and endless sobs, she immediately went like, "AGAIN?"

Honestly she used to be worried sick that I'm missing my husband like I could get a heart attack and die dramatically if I didn't get to see him. And now she's like, "Meehh, biasa la tu."

She even added, "Baru je balik kan? Sabar laahhh."

Which didn't help much, of course. I was still crying like a child at the other end of the line.

She went to her rescue - get Ayah to be on the phone.

Ayah always said the wrong things though, which was always funny if not annoying. But in the end he said this,

"Ummi kamu dulu mintak baju busuk Ayah nak peluk malam malam bila rindu. Taktau la jadi ke tak. Try mintak dengan husband kamu mana la tau kot kot jadi."

Alahai.





 Though I have to admit it's pretty pocket-friendly.

Tears.

"Tears I shed without anyone seeing. Tears I wiped away so that you wouldn't know."


//


Hello Leicester, I'm back.

What you didn't know could not hurt you.

Close, Martina Cole

08042013

Shout out to these two people who are ever so cool (okay not really since Ummi is always the menggelabah type lol) but whatevs, I love you two soooo much!

On another note, Ayah always has his eyes sunken and his teeth showing wide whenever he has his picture taken. And Ummi will always give that motherly smile or rather, the sabar je la look on her face. Loves!