Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Feels like I haven’t written for a while. The previous not so recent posts are mostly pictures and a few words. Not sure if I was too caught up with exams or it’s just me being plain lazy as if some big ass writer waiting for an inspiration. Not.

Other than exams, things are flooding in a bit too fast down here. It’s been snowing – which is a GGREEAATTT deal because snow is ALWAYS A GREAT DEAL in UK. Well at least to us the inhabitants of The Equator.


But here’s the biggest deal. I’ve been homesick and I still can’t find ways to cure it.

It’s there. It’s always there. I’m longing for a place to call home and some familiar faces, only that I don’t know where exactly it is. I don’t even know if it exists.

When Ummi said Ayah is trying to get a transfer back to Kuala Lumpur, I cried. When Adam said mom in law (I always try to avoid using the word his Ummi, cause she’s my Ummi too!), I cried. When I listen to the song 93 Million Miles by Jason Mraz, I cried too, again, and again.

This one thing I cannot fathom – what is it about home that I really can’t get over with. Everyone knows when I’m back in Malaysia I don’t really stay at my parents’ since they’re in Sarawak and I’d prefer to be in KL more. So I’m not exactly parents-sick. But at the same time I hate being in KL alone, with the siblings, and no parents. Is it even a home then?

But KL is so close to heart. Like Nadd said, it’s where I was left alone to pick myself up after one of the most glorious heartbreaks and failure I’ve ever had in life. I was extremely forced to be independent, to hold my own tears and keep the emotions bottled up, that I, at once, found the concrete side of me that I never knew existed.

Life was hard, but I was happy.

The empty roads at midnight near Bangunan Sultan Abdul Samad, the tau-fu-fah stall in Petaling Streets, the bright majestic view of KLCC at night, the greasy nasi lemak ayam at BRJ Wangsamaju, the sight of traffic jams on MRR2, the heavenly char kuay teow at Mali’s, the sardine-packed LRT during peak hours, the horrible traffic at Ampang heading to Ampang Point and the likes, the glitters of Genting Highland from 25th floor of our house, the amazing kerang bakar at Dagang.. I could even picture the sight of PV condominiums rising high when approached from MRR2, complete with the Sate Kajang Haji Samuri and Mamak Corner and the familiar McDonalds Taman Melati at Petronas gas station.

These are all.. Unnecessary throwbacks. I don’t know what exactly am I expecting to find every time I look back into the past. But one thing for sure, tears are inevitable.

Sometimes I feel that I put happiness such an undeserving rank of importance. Worse, that happiness has to be an extrinsic factor – new handbags, road trip with friends, a hearty meal, new craft supplies, a journal, etc.

Why can’t I be happy about nothing?

Back in KL, life was tough (again), I had almost nothing to look forward to, but minus some repressed feelings and occasional breakdowns, I can’t remember being too sad. I was happy with.. Myself.

I told mom in law about how I miss home. And her reply was a good one.

Note to self: Life is too short to keep having throwbacks. Live in the present, focus on the objectives.


Syaheeda said...

Dear Bella, chin up and do know that sunshine is always there for you even if you feel so gloomy. Everyone is there for you, even if you feel so lonely. Be happy pretty! :)

p/s: wah, first comment! :D

Bella said...

Ommoooo thanks youuuu <3 Azam 2013 - to be happy! (and to have a happy closet too uwee!)