To love is to fight. You don't fight to win; you fight to keep on surviving.

And struggling isn't always beautiful.

When you were young.

I wonder if you look like this when you were at his age :)

Confession #007 You and your unfathomable act.

When you saw a single sentence without any coherence from the previous. What's with the secret conversation? Are you freaking kidding me?

A little bit of both.

I love the way Ayah and Umi both have gap teeth :)

Menangislah wahai mata.

Menangislah wahai mata,
Petanda kau hanyalah hamba,
Menangislah wahai mata,
Rintihan hanya buat Yang Maha Esa,
Menangislah,
Dalam suram cahaya malam,
Di sunyi sepi yang murni,
Dalam asyikan aluan wahyu Tuhan,
Dalam indah kalimah hikmah,
Dalam sebak mengenang dosa,
Dalam syahdu merindui pahala,
Maka.. Memangislah wahai mata,
Biar setiap ketika, biar setiap masa,
Jika tidak membasahi pipi,
Biar tetap membasahi nurani.

Menangislah wahai mata,
Mutiara meriwayatkan cinta,
Antara hamba dan Tuhannya,
Sedumu meriwayat duka,
Jiwa hamba memanggil Pencipta.

Menangislah dengan penuh kepiluan,
Agar kau tenggelam dalam lautan tiada tepian,
Menangislah dengan sepenuh jiwa,
Agar kau rasa kurnia yang tiada terduga,
Menangislah, supaya kau tahu ada bezanya,
Antara air mata meratapi dunia,
Dan tangisan memanggil Yang Esa.

Prof. Madya Dr. Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin
Madinah, 190311

Who's your comfort zone?

He's one of my comfort zones.

Blurred pictures credit to Shahir.

Canon EOS 550D in pink!

Pro: Excellent protection without being bulky or heavy.

Con: Lepas ni confirm takde lelaki normal nak tolong bawak camera ni dah! Eheh.

Small pictures due to lack of quality. Gambaq buruk malas edit buat apa letak besaq3, ye dak?

Why I think bros are cool.

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." 

— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

Reminds me of a friend's remark about me. (yes, a bro he is)

"Aku kagum dengan kau sebab kau boleh defend diri sendiri, kau tak perlukan orang lain untuk back up diri sendiri. And kau antara perempuan paling independent yang pernah aku jumpa."

Bukan nak riak, tapi berapa ramai perempuan boleh recognize benda macam ni dalam diri perempuan lain. We, girls, tend to notice on physical things - pergh baju Zara, tudung bungkus Hana Tajima ahem, heels 8 inci hebat gila jalan tak jatuh you, and kulit, fuhhhh flawless! Paling3 pun, weh asal boyfriend dia handsome gilaaaaaa!

Duhh. I buat jugak okay. Cakap lagi perempuan.

Cuma ada ke perempuan yang cakap kat perempuan lain --- I admire your strength, despite everything that happened, you're still strong. Boyfriend kau dump kau untuk some other bitch, kau chill je, walaupun kat dalam memang dah koyak tahap moksha.

Usually perempuan akan cakap --- WHATTT? Perempuan macam tu pun ada orang nak ke? Bukannya lawa sangat pun, pakai Coach Wakaf Che Yeh je, lepas tu bajet kaya. BIAAATTTCHHHH! Alah, takpe, kau lagi cantik kot. Ramai lagi yang nak. Mamat tu yang buta, take taste langsung! JEEERRRKKKK.

(dalam usaha to make the dumped girl feel better)

Hoi mamat buta yang takde taste tu pernah jadi boyfriend aku okay! Kalau kau cakap dia takde taste, lepas tu aku ni kira macam produk ke-takde-taste-an dia lah ek? - Dalam hati je, sebab nak jaga hati KAWAN yang cuba menyedapkan hati tadi.  

Okay ayat dah bersepah.

Kan tak pasal3 girlfriend baru mamat tu jadi bitch. Well, lain lah kalau dia memang bitch kan, which applies to some people ehem. Tapi kalau dia sekadar girl next door yang perlukan perhatian seorang lelaki dan apparently lelaki itu yang sebenarnya memang tak guna berselingkuh kayu tiga, macam mana?

I'm not so sure on how guys see things when it comes to stuff like this. Mungkin sekadar --- Kesian kau, tapi takpelah, at least kau ada member.

Kelihatan tak begitu bersungguh3 untuk meyakinkan that things will be okay, but at least it's honest and (almost) true. By the way, you can't be sure that things WILL be okay, can you?

Ever heard of people bringing other people down because they're insecure? Yes, it's true. It feels good to talk about others because it makes you look better. For a while.

But you see, Allah tak ciptakan manusia sama. Kalau lelaki dengan perempuan cara berfikir, perangai semua sama, where's the fun of life?

Instead of talking shit about X to make Y feel good, why don't you acknowledge Y's strengths?

Tak perlu lah sampai menjatuhkan orang lain untuk menonjolkan ketidaksamaan jantina. Kot.

Love is not a because, it's a no matter what.

What I had loved about her was that she didn't need anyone. It was a great irony that the very fact of a relationship with her would diminish her appeal, that the moment she came to love me back and depend on me as much as I depended on her, she would no longer be a truly independent spirit.

No way in hell was I going to take that quality away from her.

--- Jodi Picoult

A legend he was, a legend he still is. RIP, Mr Guna.

He wasn't exactly one of the teachers that I look forward to see every time I popped in at KMB, but definitely one of the most remarkable ones, the one that if he caught me, he would definitely stop me and ask how things were going.

Especially between me and my other half. Eheh, yes that was always his word referring to Adam - THE OTHER HALF.

Who could believe that one of KMB's greatest legends is now gone. He was our Biology teacher, our mentor, specifically. Despite the finger-countable meetings held during mentor mentee sessions, we didn't really mind. Well, at least I didn't mind at all. Nak meeting banyak3 kali pun buat apaaaaa? Lainlah kalau ada makan3 kannnnn. Blergh Bella, kalau pasal makan, nak je.

I remember in early Sem 3, he said he wanted to see me, right in front of the class. Fuh. Cuak takyah cakap lah, Bella mana pernah kena panggil dengan cikgu sampai camtu skali. But then, he was only concerned about me, for I seemed different, in a bad way. Frankly, I was pretty miserable that time, my personal life was going haywire, I was sick of studying. I told him that I had lost interest in studying. Penat. Taknak dah. Kononnya Sem 2 belajar separuh nyawa, Sem 3 dah penat, so takboleh dah. He asked me to slow down, one thing at a time. Masa tu bukannya busy sangat pun, ada lah Fish for Life sikit3 nak kena handle. Tapi serius time tu nak give up dah. Ingat lagi dia sound, students ni pelik, kalau tak score Sem 2 susah, menangis3 sebab nak placement bagus, tapi kalau dah score, dapat placement yang memang nak, jadi macam Bella pulak. Penat. exhausted. Nak give up.  Habis tu macam mana lagi? And lastly soalan paling best – any relationship problems? Putus cinta ka. (his students would know how to read with his tone)

Man, he really got me that time.

And oh, he wouldn't call us by our nicknames. NEVER. He called Ridhu as Amad, KN as Khairul and me, obviously, NABILAH. He thought nicks are shitty, that our parents gave us names and we should appreciate them and use them.

Until he learned the fact that the whole college was calling me Bella. Itu pun dalam Sem 4 nak dekat3 IRP. And make fun out of it. Bella Bella. Wow, nama you glamour heh?

On a very personal note, I always thought he knew about me and Adam, for he seemed to always be teasing us in class. Cakap pasal cinta zaman remaja yang tak kekal lah. Kahwin muda lah. I still remember, he was doing comparisons - kat kolej ni ikan bilis je yang you jumpa, kat luar ada lagi ikan paus besar3. Or something like that. Huyoh, terus kena atas kepala der.

One point, he asked if I was in love - Nabilah, are you in love? Terus blushing. Adam kat sebelah dah taktahu nak sorok muka kat mana. Obvious sangat kah?

A mind reader he was. Psycho yang agak lah.

Until rupa3nya he never knew about us being official. Sebab there was one time I went to KMB after graduation, the other teacher was asking about Adam, and he overheard it. Terus tanya, "Bella, are you with Adam?" dengan muka tak bersalah.

Lol. Terus speechless, I thought you knew all this while! He said not at all. “I mean, yes, you two look close as a pair, but I never thought it’s official.” More or less like that. Tapi lagi speechless bila dia cakap,

“WHY HIM?”

Alamak, takpernah lagi ada cikgu yang tanya camtu. Terus blushing, speechless.

Ahh, good times. KMB was my comfort zone. Though in his class, I seldom raised my head because I was afraid he would ask random questions about Biology. Cuak bai. Bella study untuk pass exam je, mana lah nak ingat chamber3 of hearts tu kalau tanya spontan. Time Biology pun mengantuk je, walaupun dia pernah cakap, my notes boleh buat buku teks. Nerd pfft. Tapi bangga jugak lah. Eheh.

I feel a bit sedih that my juniors (super super juniors, that is), won’t get the chance to know him. Tak perlu jadi students dia pun, just know him and who he is. A legend in KMB.

Picture from Facebook, thanks to Atik, KMB 08/10

May you rest in peace, Mr Guna.

For once, it feels right to be judgmental. Here.

Rasanya since bukak balik Facebook ni, makin banyak benda negatif dalam kepala.

Serius.

I don't usually judge people. But looking at the citizens of Facebook, it's very hard for me not to go EIYEWW, or FINEEEEE, or WADDDEEE..??

1. Status whores
Semua pun nak update lat Facebook. Aku lah baru lepas break. Aku lah perempuan yang dicurangkan. Aku lah penyokong tegar pasukan bola sepak itu walaupun dah kalah. Aku lah yang lapar mengidam nak makan Secret Recipe malam3 buta. Ye, semua pun aku. Perlu ke? Lagi3 yang status updates pasal benda sama. Each and every single thing. Mula3, "Off to Sungei Wang". Then comes "Nak berdarah hidung tengok baju banyak3". Lepas tu "Got myself 2 pairs of shoes, 3 dresses and a pair of sore feet". And then "Menyesal tak beli jeans tadi, kan dah terbayang".

Perlukah semua itu? Lagi kesian bila takde orang komen lepas tu Like sendiri. Ugh. Pathetic sungguh. Ataupun bila ada sorang Like, terus dia Like jugak and komen "Awak Like eh? Hehe". Dan kawan yang Like tu takde pulak nak reply. Sungguh. Menyedihkan.

2. Check-in bitches
Semua pun nak check-in. Hatta kat Pasar Borong Selayang. I thought the major check-in purpose is to find someone nearby. Tapi kalau dah Pasar Borong Selayang tu, siapa nak sibuk3 bukak Blackberry check tengok Kak Limah beli ikan apa, Senah masak lauk apa malam ni? Adoi.

3. Likers / Commenters
Semua pun nak comment. Senah check-in dekat Pasar Borong Selayang, Kiah Like dan komen "Beli ikan Kak Senah?" Tak pun lagi sadis bila Kiah komen "Akak buat apa kat pasar tu?" Redundancy. Peramahnya rakyat Malaysia, kan?

4. Self-portrait Camwhores
Semua pun gambar sendiri. Sorang3, muka sama, pose sama, cuma mungkin senget sedikit 20 darjah melawan putaran jam. Caption lagi takboleh blah. Gambar 1st - "Posing sikit". Gambar 2nd - "Posing lain pulak". Hoi hoi. Caption tu patut bunyik "Posing sikit 20 darjah ke kiri berbanding gambar 1st tadi".

No I don't have problems with single pictures, meaning gambar profile owner banyak3, tapi kalau dah semua pun self-taken, and pose sama baju semua sama, apa yang you nak cuba sampaikan? Background lagi lah, tak nampak terus. Paling menyampah bila gambar serius taken at best, lepas tu caption "Muka berminyak selekeh gila huhu." Padahal tunggu je orang komen "Eh mana ada selekeh, comel sangat." Nak tunggu orang puji ke apa?

5. Irrational Emotional
Semua pun nak emo je. Status, komen, semua lah. Aku lah exam susah rasa macam nak terjun bangunan. Aku lah sedih encik boyfriend busy kerja tak sempat nak layan. Aku lah cinta yang dirijek lantaran orang ketiga. Negatif gila. Kalau orang yang tengah seronok3 happy pun boleh jadi down sebab status macam tu. Ingat orang kisah sangat ke? Lepas tu kalau asyik nak complain sana complain sini, sampai bila nak belajar bersyukur?

Kalau baca balik perenggan merenggan kat atas ni, rasa macam diri sendiri pun emo jugak, commenters jugak, sebab Facebook orang, suka hati dorang lah. I tak kisah, I don't have problems with them. Takpe aku baca jugak status kau yang bersepah3 tu, ikut jugak lah perkembangan shopping kau tu, usha jugak lah gambar3 yang takdifahami kau tu. Kalau tak, camne nak tau semua ni kan?

And Bella pun meraban jugak kat Facebook. Nak3 lepas In mutual love ni, memang lovey dovey betul lah. For me it's very natural, that's who we are, what we do in real life, not just Facebook. (okay boleh risau kitorang tak straight) Tapi entahlah. I don't expect people to like things I write. After all they're very personal. Kalau kira balik, yang memang regular customer Bella kat Facebook berapa kerat sangat. Ada dalam 5 orang. And I don't do random liking commenting whatever. Tak reti lah.

Tapi Facebook masing3, style masing3. Semua pun ada cara sendiri untuk meng-expresskan diri kat Facebook kan. Takpayah nak gelabah sibuk3 pasal orang sangat lah Bella.

Well you can say I'm judgmental. But once that crosses your mind, bear that you are actually being judgmental towards me as well.

In dire need to write.

That one thing we sure have in common.

Food fascinates me. You too.

The overwhelming feeling of wanting someone so badly.

Now I'm really crying.

Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you.

You're going to be far. Well, you've been far all this while, but this time it's really really far.

I could barely last for two weeks without you. Now one month? ONE FREAKING MONTH.

Please be safe. And be home, wherever that is. Belfast, Kuala Lumpur, wherever. Just be safe.

Now I feel like crying.

Be careful with what you wish cause you just might get it.

He picked me up at home and took me to the clinic as I wasn't quite well on that day. I couldn't care less on how I looked, I was a total mess - selekeh and pucat gila. My voice was abnormally husky as I was having flu from the night trip before.

On our way back from the clinic..

"Weh mana wallet aku? Takde lah!" Sambil raba3 dalam pocket tak jumpa.

"Kau biar betul, takbawak ke tertinggal kat klinik tadi?"

"Aku tak sure. Try tengok dalam dashboard tu, mana tau aku letak situ."

Sambil selongkar dashboard punya compartment apa tah. "Takde lah. Ada kotak ni je, dengan apa tah lagi benda lain. mana ada wallet."

"Try tengok jap dalam kotak tu, kadang3 aku sorok kat situ, sebab taknak bagi orang amek."

Sambil membebel tak puas hati rasa macam nak lempang je dia. "Kau pehal sorok wallet dalam kotak? Gila tak senonoh wallet letak la dalam poket bla bla OOOOOKAAAAYYYYYY.."

"Happy Belated Birthday Bella."




SPEECHLESS.




Silent.





"Weh yang kau diam pehal, kalau nak speechless pun sikit3 suda!"



Now that's how I got my first Apple for my 21st birthday. An iPod Touch. From my very own best friend - KN.

As the saying goes, be careful with what you wish cause you just might get it.

My very first Apple on my 21st birthday.

*** Especially for Ara yang sangat curious dengan cinta baru Bella ***

Meet my new mutual love.

Eceh nak Facebook aje.

But the most important fact about this love is...

Yes, he's the twin brother I never had :')

Full story will come later. Off to East Coast after a weekend in the North ;)