Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Advocate.

Last week I stumbled upon this personality test posted by others on Facebook.

And this is what I got.

It's scarily accurate, although I must admit the 'very rare' breed makes me slightly proud of myself, whatever it is supposed to mean.

INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain.

One of my KMB teachers told me this, once. I might appear pleasant and easy-going on the outside, but deep inside I'll hold strong to my values and often refuse to compromise. It's something that I take huge pride of, as I have my own set of values on how I should behave/think. For example, I won't simply say "I miss you too" when someone said they missed me, when the fact is I hardly noticed their absence at all. Unfortunately it's also a curse in the sense that I can't take "No" as an answer (this was actually pointed out by my dad when I was in high school). I despise going to social events when I know people will be late. It's against my value, and I believe their time is not any more valuable than mine, so I choose not to go at all just to spare me from the frustration of unpunctual people.

INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact. It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw.
When people find me friendly/pleasant on a first meeting, it's probably because of this. I have a tremendous interest in human mind, how they think, what they feel etc, not quite their life. Simplest example would be that I am more interested if someone enjoys their job and why they chose to do that rather than what they do and how much they earn from the job. The catch is, I often get tired from human interactions very easily. Great conversation, yes, now if you could excuse me to be on my own that would be great.

Determined and Passionate - When INFJs come to believe that something is important, they pursue that goal with a conviction and energy that can catch even their friends and loved ones off guard. INFJs will rock the boat if they have to, something not everyone likes to see, but their passion for their chosen cause is an inseparable part of their personality.
Now now, this probably explains why I still can't get my head around Medicine even after four years of doing it day in day out. My passion is slightly different from hospital life and all its glory. I am yet to rock the boat, although it's something that I might just look into if I had the courage. Not yet at the moment. Have I told you I've been considering to join TFM (Teach For Malaysia) after graduating? 


Extremely Private - INFJs tend to present themselves as the culmination of an idea. This is partly because they believe in this idea, but also because INFJs are extremely private when it comes to their personal lives, using this image to keep themselves from having to truly open up, even to close friends. 
Part of this goes to the fact that I don't know how to open up, even to the closest of people around me. As a direct result, I often find myself crying hard at random times because I get really upset/frustrated about things. And by 'crying hard' I mean the kind of cry that you just break down slumped to your knees and sob your heart out for 30 seconds, or silently under the duvet til I fall asleep. Not proud.

Reading the whole thing feels weird, it's as if I'm looking at myself from my own point of view. I'm sure not all of them apply to me, just that the famous people with INFJ trait are all the noble ones - Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa.. They've all devoted their life to the betterment of others, making me wonder what am I doing at the moment..

Pretty much mengamuk taknak balik Peterborough every Sunday, chanting "Dowan go school" all the time. Haih bila lah nak besar.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Projek U Part II: Cork, Galway and Belfast.

Just realised I have completely forgotten about Projek U.

*dramatic gasps*

To be fair, there's not a lot of things to write anyway. We made our journey from Dublin to Cork and Galway before heading back to Belfast. In other words - Ireland road trip. And I must admit sceneries aren't really my thing. So most pictures are actually of people, and being the third wheel in this trip, they're of my parents. 

Like this. 


We arrived Cork in the evening, went to pick Zay (my classmate at KMB) up at her university and headed straight to dinner.

The next day we went around Cork city center and Ayah did all the snapping hence no pictures in my camera. Kemain travel jauh jauh, pemalas humphh. *tarik telinga sendiri*

Aaand we made our way to Galway.

There's a reason why it's probably better to just let me sleep in long journeys.

Aaaand here I present you..

.. More sceneries! This is actually around Cliff of Moher.

Super love this picture cause it looks like my band members has left me behind :(

That night we went to see DJ (another classmate at KMB) for dinner. In all honesty I think I might have used this trip to my advantage i.e. to see my classmates. Hihik.

And we ran out of Euros to spend so it's probably best to get back to Belfast where pounds came into use. And where Adam was, yeay! (read: overly attached)

Before leaving we stopped by at Salthill just to take some pictures of the Atlantic Ocean. Ayah got a tad too excited about it he asked me to taste the saltwater, saying that it was The Atlantic! Okay. I didn't quite get the fuss, still, oh, okay.

Aaaand up we drove back into Belfast! Stopped by Banbridge outlet and straight to Adam's before heading for dinner at Cafe Fish. Not a single picture cause I was already very grumpy from the long trip and the fact that I had to fly back into Leicester the very next day. Sads.

Aaaand that's the end of Part II. 
(I feel cheated myself, haha)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

No ifs, ands, or buts.

Let's talk psychiatry for a bit, my favourite subject. And no I'm not being sarcastic since I'm known to dislike a lot of things in Medicine. Dislike is a strong word though, let's just say there are a lot of things that I'm not too passionate about in Medicine.

In psychiatry, there's this one questionnaire called Mini Mental State Examination (MMSE). It's used to assess one's cognition, ie one's mental capabilities in processing things including memory, problem-solving, language and some others. 

One of the tasks in this questionnaire is to ask patient to repeat this sentence;

"No ifs, ands, or buts."

I never really had a thought on it. Then one day I was telling Adam that I made a mental note to myself that I will try to limit myself from using the word 'but' in daily conversation, including text messages. He later added that Umi (my mil) used to have a similar rule in the house, just that she urged the kids not to use the word 'if' too often.

And then this sentence in MMSE came to my mind. Of course, there's the word 'and'. Unfortunately I'll probably get nowhere if you take away the 'ands' in my life.

Why no 'buts'? Here's the thing. I know a friend in college who was very negative about things. She saw everything at its worst, there was always something not quite right somewhere. Always. Her reasoning was simple, she'd rather not expect the good in things only to be let down by them. It's kinda like expecting the weather to be raining cats and dogs with snow and hails, then it turned out the sky was only grey with a minus temperature. Nothing like the horrible rain, so it made her feel better, even slightly.

Honestly it was unfathomable to me. Still, I respected that.

Then I happen to know another friend who holds a pretty similar view of life. She always adds "but then.." to almost every statement that comes out from her mouth (or mine). Oh, there's four days off, but then.. It's pretty sunny outside, but then..

It tires me out.

I try not to dwell on negative things too much. So a consultant gave me a judgmental smirk when I failed to catch a murmur in clinic. Okay. Death glares as I found myself not knowing basic things? Okay. I'll take that. Looking stupid in front of patients? Come on we've all been there.

Not answering 'conversion to open procedure' as a risk in a laparoscopic cholecystectomy? Hah, that got me there for a bit. Still, what to do.. Laughed it off and moved on.

If I were to be veeery honest/true to myself/everyone reading this, I shall say I hate negativity with every inch of contracting muscle in my body. There I said it. Then I realise hate is a veeery negative word, and it wears me down. So no, I don't hate it, I'd just rather not be around it.

Some ask how can I be positive about things.

My strongest reasoning is.. Him. Contentment in His decree. There must be reasons why things happen - good or bad. I like this one statement, and I find it soothing as it is in Malay, so I'll tell myself many times - "Orang beriman ni, benda baik dia bersyukur, benda kurang baik pun dia bersyukur." When something unpleasant hits me, I remind myself, there are more things to be grateful for than to dwell on the bad things. Bersangka baik dengan Allah. Doesn't mean I'm not sad, in fact I sometimes take it reeeally hard that I cry every now and then out of the blue. At the same time I remind myself that this isn't the worst. I'm still alive, still sane, still believing with every little reasoning I have left, and that itself is a blessing.

To be consciously grateful. To have unfaltering belief towards Him. Percaya dengan yakin, is that not what iman means? So I try to remind myself that whatever happens, it's with His will. And to believe that there's a higher power watching over us, looking after us, that's faith. It's the certainty that soothes me. The certainty of knowing that there's Him in every step I take. And when it gets reeeally tough/hard and I find myself questioning 'why', I try to take a step back and remind myself the reason I am here in the first place. Why am I still breathing today? Remind myself of the purpose of life.

When I was sooo stressed preparing for exams, I took a step back every now and then to remind myself, that it was all temporary. Dunia je ni. While I was freaking out with exams, there were lives taken away in Syria. There were innocent souls killed in Palestine. And there I was stressing my brain out for exam?

Indeed, from Him we came and to Him we shall return.

This keeps me going. Apalah sangat dunia ni kalau nak compare dengan akhirat sana.

Doesn't mean we don't have to work hard in this life, it means that whatever we do, do with a conscious awareness that this is all for the afterlife. For akhirat.

Hence, whenever good things happen, Alhamdulillah. He's chosen to grant us with His blessings, and with that come further responsibility in improving ourselves and bring ourselves nearer to Him. Whenever something unpleasant happens, say Alhamdulillah too, there are far too many great things to be grateful for in this life. There must be reasons why things happen, as He let them happen.

Now now I think I lost myself somewhere between the 'buts' and 'ifs'. Typical me, not surprised. (rolls eyes to myself although I'm not entirely sure how)

I guess my whole point is try to focus on positive things and not ram everything with a 'but'? It's like going to a battlefield. If you're going into a war believing that you're going to win, chances is you will win. And there's this highest power in every air you breathe, doa is your biggest secret weapon, percaya dengan yakin, kan?

Alhamdulillah, I am officially a final year medic as of yesterday. Many thanks to kind prayers and words from everyone. If anything, I sincerely hope this brings me closer to Him, inshaAllah.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

8th March 2015

5 years and 5 months.

65 months -- 

and still madly in love with this guy, every single day.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


Right. Now that exam's over, let's talk about something exciting. Something new. Something different. 

Guess where's this?

Looks like a massive parking lot, doesn't it? Something vaguely appears to be like an airport..

Another clue. This. 

If you're gonna say I'm staying in a nice hotel room waiting for an early morning flight tomorrow, you're too kind. 

I'm actually on outblock. Again. 

This time it's Peterborough, down south west heading towards Stansted Airport. And no, the airport-ish parking lot you see isn't Stansted, it's actually the hospital ground. Impressive much?

And if you're wondering do we not get any break after the exam, you're being rude. No we don't. We finished written paper on Friday, and I had to take the train to Peterborough on the very next Sunday. Inhale. Exhale. Packing what?

Good thing is, we have to come back every weekend for Friday teaching in Leicester, so that's 4 days a week in Petes, hurray! Train is only an hour, direct,  and it's on the main line, so no kampung coaches making screeching sounds all the way. Yay! And the hospital and accommodation, you saw it, it's the nicest I've had so far.

"So which of the favours of your Lord shall ye deny?"

Weather's been good too. A little cold, but it's generally sunny, and I've got a nice view of the 'airport' building with plenty of sunlight throughout the day. Seasonal affective disorder, be gone.

Just one thing that never changes when I'm on outblock, um, it's the loneliness. It gets lonely, reeeeally lonely especially in the evening. For that reason I am forever finding myself counting down to go back to Leicester. Same old same old. It's quite funny cause I am pretty much a recluse at home, that we as housemates don't tend to sit together at the living room. But I guess it's the comfort of knowing there's other familiar faces living under the same roof. That we're just a shout away. Literally. 

Oh well, what to do. Give and take. At least I'm not sad. Yes, that's you, Boston. Huh. 

Also, it's already March, carrying a sliver hope of spring, slowly but surely leaving  the grey clouds of winter.

It's gonna be a good month, inshaAllah :)

Anyway, lusa balik Leicester, weehoo!