Whose dream youre living in?

“You can’t forever fight against the world.”

“Why not?”

“Because in the end you’ll get hurt.”

Finding Neverland - The Musical

Life.

So this one goes to someone who claims to have the same wavelength with me.

You see my friend, life is tough. It knocks us down, pins us to the very bottom of the hole, makes us feel like we're some weak creatures meant to be defeated. Yes life is like that.

But what do we do when we're down on our knees? Must we get up straightaway? No, we're already on our knees, hurt, broken. Hence we pray. We pray our best that Allah will give us the strength to get through the pain. We pray that this test will subside. Slowly but surely. We take time to heal. What's the point of returning to a battle field with broken spirit anyway?

Only then we get back up. Chin up. Stand tall and walk with pride.

They say it's not falling into the sea that drowns you, it's staying in it.

Therefore my friend, take all the time you need, for one day you'll realise this is just another game that life has to offer, that there are more games waiting ahead.

And just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, apparently they can. But the good news is, the same applies to good things too. The best day of our lives are often more than once, remember?

We tell each other to cherish every moment of happiness, mainly because we know they won't last. So why don't we treat challenging moments the same?

Cherish it. Because things happened. You can choose to find someone or something to blame, but what good does it do?

Grieve all you want, be sad, shut yourself down, detach from the world, cry, even.

For in that grievance you'll see how tough you can be.

Because you see, survival is the strongest instinct that we, as humans, have. Realise it or not, we strive to survive every single day.

And yes, life will beat you up, people will turn you down, but in the end, it's you and Allah that matter.

The worrier.

Ummi sent me this picture earlier today.

With an explanation.

"Ayah called me the worrier!"

Ummi the worried warrior.

Just the right name for her. Hihihih.

Back to square one.

Adam came with me to Leicester to help me settle down with my new house. As much as he tried to make sure I had everything I needed, we still couldn't find some stuff, not even after he went back to Belfast.

Seemed that I had to sort the remaining stuff myself then. So I was telling him about this shoe rack at Argos. Cheap one, of course.

We were on Facetime when he asked me to show the shoe racks.

And then I realised that we were actually hundreds miles apart again.

We were on Facetime.

I was sending him links through Skype.

I am, now, on my own.

Honeymoon's over. Back to square one.

Going back to Leicester tomorrow in deep misery when she sang me this,

in the  l a m e s t  tone ever.

Oh My Siri.

Melt.

Was stalking Ummi's Facebook and found this.

"Adam tak boleh beli barang sebab barang sekarang mahal.."

Cair hati ahkak noks.

Sometimes it lasts in friendships, sometimes you get married instead.

Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There’s only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces. 

— Jodi Picoult, House Rules

Some will love you for who you are, others will love the mask you wear.

And I believe she has always loved me for who I was, who I am, who I will be.

Post title: A quote by Garrett Nickelsen

Reality check.

I'm going into my third week here in Belfast.

Well of course I've been very busy lately doing.. Nothing. Uh okay not really nothing, as I've had a meeting (to make it sound like some serious work lol) with the dearest Kak Dina, my housemate back in Leicester but now a doctor in Belfast. And also my only friend here (yezzz how sadzz sobzz) Fadzlin, going to the city wasting money riding the bus (because jalan kaki is too mainstream) etc but basically that's about it.

And I can't hep but miss Leicester a bit. A very little bit. Kinda. But not too much. But still miss it. Okay seriously wth?

Sooooo, to cure this longing heart towards the pretty little depressing Leicester back in England, I've decided to pay my university mailbox a visit. It's been long since I last heard from them, especially when I took off to Malaysia like nobody's business early summer.

And to my horror, here's what I found.

The. Rest. Of. Your. Vacation.

Yeah right.

You might not get what the timetable is saying, well I so totally understand, because me myself was like, wth? I thought we only have sekolah petang in second year, now what's with the AM (morning) session group activities whatnot?

My whole life was a lie.

Then came this.

Ummi was testing if she got my email right, and so she sent a message with a nice hint of sarcasm.

What do you mean revision? Did you not remember that I'm not in Leicester where my thick heavy dreadful books are? And that Adam is such a gifted child that he need not books to do Medicine? And, oh, what's with the LOL?

(cries)

Suddenly it hit me if Ummi really meant Laughing Out Loud, or just Lots of Love as she usually said that. I'd prefer the latter though. (cries again)

Btw I think the whole message was really meant to say;

"Now that you're married, so what? Get back to your books!"

Sigh.

And so the cold reality checks in.

One way flight.

Say hello to Leicester in two weeks time!

Something about love.

"Candle light" with husband, one month into marriage, 3rd September 2012

Alhamdulillah.

Feel like sharing bits of our marriage story. I know it was pretty much a surprise to everyone, most responses that I received after conveying the news personally were like, 

"It's expected that you two will get married, but not this soon!"

Yes, why so soon? Like out of the blue, all of a sudden?

No, we've had this plan to get married since over a year ago, when he came back for his first summer holiday, and when I was still in Malaysia. We thought we'd see how it goes when both of us are in the UK, and if everything turns out well, we might as well get married.

But why in the holy month of Ramadhan? And so simple, like everything was in a rush.

We might have this idea of getting married for more than a year already, but we were never really serious about it. We both are aware that we're still studying, that our priority lies in our studies. Hence we've never really got down to it, until our summer exam results came out.

So yes, my results came out on 29th June 2012 (I think) and he had his long before. Alhamdulillah we both passed. Only after that we started to discuss about the wedding properly.

We had the solemnization done in Ramadhan because we don't have much time left after Raya. My brother was getting engaged after Raya too, so the dates would be pretty much packed. We were returning back to UK about a week after Raya, and that obviously isn't helping much. So why not do it in Ramadhan and break some traditions? As long as it's not against the syarak, of course..

We honestly wanted a very simple solemnization ceremony. Families, some close friends, and that's about it. But we did make sort of like "announcement" to our friends and teachers that we were getting married. Apologies to those who felt like they were being left out, but it was a very simple occasion and we didn't quite see the fuss of it.

Partly because we used our own money. Well, Adam did. Me, being forever the anak Ayah and Umi, didn't. To be honest, it really didn't feel right to have your parents spending for your wedding. So I really really really wanted the wedding to be as simple as it could, and not burdening them.

Alhamdulillah, we're contented with what we have.

I guess that's about it. We might be young, in love, and a little playful here and there, but we believe this is the best for us. This is what we have been wanting out of this relationship.

We might not be as alim or stok stok usrah (no offence) as anyone else who got married at quite a young age, but we are learning. While at the same time trying to chill (heh)

It's definitely not an easy thing to get married, and not any easier to be married. But it's the most beautiful thing one could ever ask from Allah in seek of our fitrah towards love.

May Allah bless.

Derma pakcik buta dan sekolah agama.

During my childhood years in Terengganu, we siblings always tried not to make Umi cook on Wednesdays because we then got to go to pasar malam and buy our own food, especially coconut shakes. And everytime I went to pasar there would always be people minta sedekah in between the stalls.

I remember telling Ayah that I wanted to spare RM5 in small change everytime I go to pasar malam just for these people. I just didn't have the heart to walk pass through them and pretend not seeing anything. Back then I was about 10 years old.

But that was then.

Now whenever people approach me for some derma or sedekah, I always do the script "Takpelah" while angkat tangan, another way of shoo-ing them. I become somewhat sceptical of these people. There's this one makan place that I love down the road near PV8, but everytime we went there to eat, there would always be people asking for derma. Kids, makciks, blind pakciks etc. The end result, I would do the shoo-ing gesture without even listening to their explanations whatnot. How can I not be sceptical when all I heard was the same script "Kami dari sekolah agama... Mintak derma... Kebajikan..." over and over again? Or the same blind pakcik selling tissue with a lady beside him?

Now that I think of it.. How I've changed from someone with such a big heart (at least I thought so) to someone full of syak wasangka (woha, the word!) Back then RM5 was a huge amount for a small kid in such a kampung place, yet I wouldn't mind spending for the needy. But now? Even seringgit pun payah.

We can blame on how the society is shaped to begin with, like how today there are so many scams trying to drain our money in every way possible, unlike those days when the poor ones are really poor. But we can also choose to be  positive and keep our virtues.

Who am I to question the validity of the surat derma minta sedekah to build a madrasah whatnot? Or to do a health check up if the pakcik is really blind? Jangan cakap pasal check validity surat lah, nak tengok baca pun tak. 

Even kalau dorang tipu pun, it's not my problem. It's the niat that matters. InshaAllah He knows better.

What a shame.

The sky was blue and so was the heart too.

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other."

- Jane Austen

Image thanks to my pretty Jija.