Saturday, February 6, 2010

emotion. perception. language. to hell with TOK essay.

yesterday wasn't a very good day, apparently. well, not that fantastic. despite of the effort of trying to skip the ASSembly whatsoever discussing about the year 2's problems (aren't our problems i.e. IB Exam OBVIOUS to you??), i got caught for something else. it might sound funny, but i prefer to call it as stupid. yes, stupid as an asshole. though i don't know how stupid can an asshole be.

all right. stop there.

i'm not sure if you'll read this. you will, eventually. but i'm not sure if it's in the right time. or maybe long after this, only then you find this out. i don't know. but since i can't reach you in any personal ways, and i won't be seeing you until you-know-when, then this is my only way to say what i want to say, when i feel like saying it. which is now.

i'm sorry. sorry for the fact that i can't understand you. it's not like i don't, it's more towards i can't. i tried, very hard, indeed. but it seems that my effort has never been enough. and every word uttered seems wrong. every word not uttered, on the other hand, seems to make me feel wrong. was it something i did, or was it your words? or was it because of the way i am?

sometimes you make me feel sick. look sick. but the sickness can be a pure ecstasy when i look at it differently. only when it becomes overwhelming, i can no longer look at it from a different angle. everything becomes more or less the same. there is a very fine line between yes and no, right and wrong, love and hate.. and a syllable like, 'uhhh' can be interpreted in a thousand ways. i'm so freaking tired. understanding you has become one of my most important subject in IB. and i wonder what my predicted grade is..

okay, i lost my words. i think i need to get back to my TOK essay. without you, obviously. i wonder if i can stand not seeing your name appearing on my phone for you-know-how-long. but i'll try. and i'll be fine, don't worry.

take care.