Monday, December 15, 2014

First chapter. Tiga kali weekend.

So one chapter of my winter holiday, has finally come to an end.

Three weeks with my parents around Europe have been incredibly full of lessons.

But if there are two things that I really learnt from this trip, they would be of patience and responsibilities.

Patience

One of my struggles in life is to be patient when it concerns time and people. And just because I am pretty quick and sharp, I tend to lose my patience with slow-moving things. I get restless. There was a time during a road trip around Ireland when my dad asked, "Since when you've become short-tempered?". I am not. I never was. But that question really got me. I know I am not the most patient person on Earth, but am I really that short-tempered? My dad can be the randomest people you'll ever meet - and he can be either incredibly fascinating or annoyingly frustrating. And when my mind decides it's the latter, I snap. Often rather too quickly.

Followed by guilt. Sebab rasa bersalah bila annoyed dengan orang. (This is towards people in general, I do have low treshold with people - not proud of it!!). Kadang kadang bila Ayah/Ummi tanya soalan banyak kali, I'd quickly remind myself, I was once the annoying kid who asked annoying things too frequently. Among my siblings, I am the most 'menjawab'. Bila cakap sepatah, ada je yang nak jawab. So when my parents tanya benda sama a few times, I'd keep telling myself, they were patient with me once, how can I not be patient to them? I am here today because of them. I have my values today because of them.

And my mom said, "Remember that we're getting older, not younger."

Macam mana konon nak berbakti kat dorang kalau time travel ni pun dah kurang sabar?

Nanges.


Responsibilities

Selama ni hidup single, husband jauh, family lagi jauh, so hari hari fikir pasal diri sendiri je. Dinner makan apa, exam nak study apa, train balik placement pukul berapa.

And masa ni jugak lah I feel like I was being tested on my responsibilities. I have my parents to be with, my placement in Boston that demanded a good three-hour travelling, my husband who's having his finals that I wish I could be there for, my end of block exam to study for, and finally, my own self, my own sanity to take care of. Belum masuk tanggungjawab kat Allah lagi. Panggg.

And because I so often put people I love way before myself, I tend to overlook the second last bit - my own sanity. The last bit kita cakap lain kali.

So I broke down every now and them. I cried to myself every now and then. I cried out of frustration as I feel inadequate over things. As a wife. As a daughter. As a student. As a human being. As a slave to God.

Tanggungjawab is a big word. Tanggungjawab terhadap emosi dan perasaan is even bigger. If you're anything like me - care too much, feel too deep, overthink everything, you'd probably understand. Emotion is hard work. And to be responsible over my own emotions, is even harder.
Tanggungjawab. Terhadap diri sendiri. How can I take care of people when I can't even look after myself?

Nak type ni pun tengah emosi. Baru lepas hantar Ayah and Ummi kat boarding gate balik Malaysia, waiting for my own flight balik Dublin. Emosi, tahu?

I had very little responsibilities all these while, ni baru nak test sikit dah gelabah.

Dah tu cane nak jadi mak? Tsk tsk.

Sebenarnya best je cuti ni, emosi je lebih. Bella kot. Lain kali lah cerita gembira sikit. Harap harapnya. Meanwhile lemme balik and pull myself together first. 


#mirrorselfie #win - Lin, 2014


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