"benda paling penting yang aku belajar kat KMB ni - hati kita ni boleh koyak banyak3 kali rupanya. bila kita rasa kita dah koyak tahap moksha, eh, belum lagi, ada lagi yang boleh koyakkan kita lagi dahsyat"
she's a toughie. a hard nut to crack. she never really cried in front of people, unless those who have her trust (i've had that moments with her). when she cried, i would be speechless, not knowing what to say. not that i'm bad at comforting people, only that i'm amazed that she actually has tear glands and lysozyme somewhere near her eyes. well, she's a human too, i guess.
and recently she was having a really hard time. she told me she cried like hell and kept saying "at least now i know i have a heart". we laughed about it, but deep down my heart, her pain was mine too. i could tell her voice was different. the kind of voice when you are trying to convince yourself that everything is fine, when you know exactly they are not, and they will never be.
well, i'm having that voice now. (except i believe that everything will be fine)
i may be as independent as i may seem, but when things got too much to handle, i crack. i start to stumble. i never know being an "adult" can be this tough. before this i was always the "kid", spoon-fed, everything was ready-made. and now i have to do things on my own. flight tickets, visa, passports, house payment at melati, dead license, unregistered company, unread-able ATM card, unwithdraw-able money, the list doesn't end there. and yeah, i have to do it on my own. like literally on my own. mom and dad are not around, and zahid is having his finals, and that leaves me with all the to-do lists. (and a huge supermassive future-influencing life-or-death matter to be solved)
i want to go back. terengganu. to the place where i grew up for more than 15 years. and leave all this mess and let someone clean it up for me.
a n y o n e ? ?