note to self - la tahzan.

been on hiatus for over a month, i know. life hasn't been so easy on me. the roller coaster ride sometimes makes sharp turns where it feels as if i'm going to be thrown out of the cart. but as long as the seat belt securely fastened, and the handle is sturdy, everything should be fine. the ride should be fine. I should be fine.

yes. FINE.

f--- up.

insecure.

neurotic.

emotional.

-Italian Job

many many many things happened. and i'm still not ready to pour my heart out in this cold silent white HP Pavilion. for those who already knew, yes, it's not a secret. never it is. bouquet of

thanks for the soothing words, for the understanding look. but never will i accept sympathies. so please, no sorry sympathetic pitiful pathetic glance, okay? our friendships have been awesomely amazing, and a sorry glance will just spoil everything.

for over the last 20 years, can i say that this is one of the toughest moment i've been through? i used to be getting everything i want, no matter how badly i want it, or how merely i want it. but this one, this really one, is getting on my nerves. and you know what? i learnt. i did learn. i learnt it the hard way, but at least i learnt. that life is not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you have got. too complicated? simplify it - be thankful.

THANKFUL. easier said than done. but hey, i'm doing it. and it's not that bad. things hurt. they still hurt even if they are unspoken. and they hurt a lot more when they are spoken. but that's

the reality. life doesn't change a bit if you keep grieving. cry, if you have to. be sad, for that's the most normal thing to feel when something bad happen. but never let the sadness gets into you. even the heaviest darkest gloomiest cloud has its own silver lining. search for it. learn to accept. and you'll learn to appreciate.

to my dearest KMB mates who are busy doing visas, preparing things, settling accommodations - congratulations on the biggest life-changing moments in life. may your journey ahead be beautiful (although not necessarily easy)

to the ones who have already started classes, orientation week, meeting new people with familiar language - treasure the experience. it's the start of something new. something you'll never know

what awaits you.

to the people going for interviews nationwide (or worldwide) - seize the chance. it's your second chance, a chance that not everyone can get. all the best.

to those who are still waiting for replies and anxious to see new emails coming in - be patient. and never stop praying. sometimes all you have got to do is pray, for hope is the only thing left. you have done your best, we all did. pray hard.

and for those who are in the same boat with me - KEEP PRAYING. have faith. the P will turn into something you never know. might be heart-lifting, might be devastating. whatever it is, ALLAH knows better.

" Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested? " - Al Ankabut:2

Salam Ramadhan Al-Mubarak.

may this holy month bring barakah and His forgiveness to us all.