I'm not okay, but I'm fine.

You see, I don't really tell others when I'm sad. You just have to know. it. Read my "I'm fine" carefully. If you know me well enough, you would know how "fine" I really am.

That's why sometimes I just wish that I'm okay instead of I'm fine. Because I can really be not okay but fine. Meaning that I'm fine with being not okay.

Ha. Kan dah pening tu.

I'm good at faking things. Really. And it helps. A LOT. Or else how do you think I managed to secure a scholarship to do medicine abroad? How do you think I managed to pass all three medical interviews from the universities? Minus the fact that I'm an average in studies (and the fact that I suck real bad at TOK, screw me), I made medical interviews seemed easy. I never had a single passion in medicine. I hated Biology to the core that I had the gut to make the statement "I don't like Bio" in front of the whole class when I was in Form 5. Tak cukup dengan tidur time cikgu mengajar, siap buat statement tak tahan. Yet now here I am, on the pathway of being a doctor (Ameen). I've been faking myself in doing Biology since Form 4, then to do IB preparation for Medicine for another 2 years. There goes five years of my life doing things I don't want to do. And I have like, another five years to go.

Damn I'm a good actress.

...............
(da lupa nak cakap apa senanye)

Oh. Okay. Point asalnya ialah - I'm good at faking things. Repitisi. Penegasan. Huh sengal.

Back to the point when I'm fine with being not okay. Because I'm too used to faking things. I can be nice to the person I really despise. I can pretend that I'm all set and confident, when I am actually nervous and insecure inside. I can be friendly to everyone I meet along the way while wishing I'm invisible so that I wouldn't have to talk to them.

I know it's really hard to comprehend that someone like me who seems to be very outgoing, is actually a very reserved and "leave-me-alone" type.

Kalau dulu selalu orang bising sebab Bella tak angkat call, tak reply message, sekarang dah tak. Sebab orang pun dah malas nak layan dah. T_T

But look, this is me with the person I really sayang.

Moral conversation di atas:

1. I don't simply miss EVERYONE. I don't say I miss someone just because they have been far for quite some time. And you can read from the tone when I really say something. I don't simply say something just because it feels the right and most appropriate thing to say. Like "I miss you too"?
2. I'm full of expression when I'm with someone I care. Those highlighted words aren't for nothing, they indicate what I really feel.
3. The way I type is usually the same as the way I say it - if I mean what I type.
4. I live such a sad life. (see the sentence highlighted in red box)

And you just wasted few minutes of your life reading this pointless entry. (ayat cliche, tapi nak jugak)

I don't know why I wrote this. I guess I'm not okay being far from the people I love, but I'm doing fine. This time it's not faking - it's what we call LIFE. Like it or not, LIFE GOES ON.

Wo you yi ge hao pengyou. Wo fei zhang ai ta. Momomo ♥

"No one like you. You are golden."

Confession #005 Taken.

When I told someone that I already have a boyfriend, and instead of asking who, he simply said 
"That guy must be very lucky". 


Oh, is he?

Spot the not?

No, please don't let your resumes reach the HR desk like this.

_____________________________________________________

I believe that I am enthusiastic, energetic, optimistic, sarcastic, dynamic and charismatic.

My works have always been precious and reliable.

Position title: Junior Admin Exec

Date joined: Aug 2010

Date left: Nov 2011

DOB: 25 Nov 1986

Age: 23 yrs old

Reason for living: Seek for better career advancement opportunities and exposure.

Reason left: Enhance carriers and gain new working experiences.

 _____________________________________________________

FAIL.

Love vs Logic.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. - Paulo Coelho

You're in a relationship. A wonderful one. You've been together for years, went through all sorts of ups and downs. Fought like a married couple. Flirted like high school kids. Laughed and cried like best friends. Dreamy like newlyweds. Everything. Then one day, someone came to you and asked,

"Why him/her?"

Honestly, how would you answer that? I mean, of all the gazillion people on Earth, why that ONE person? Okay, perhaps you hadn't had the chance to meet a gazillion people in your whole lifetime, but really, you've met like, thousands, millions of people, whether you noticed it or not, yet you still want this one person.

Few days back I met my childhood friend. He was known for his charm, and the fact that he didn't talk much to girls back in school. We've known each other since we were eight. The same primary school, then to the same boarding school, same class. I remember my first day at the boarding school (I was enrolled like, the last intake?-.-"), he came and talked to me since we were classmates (again) and the whole class were staring at us because well, this mysterious guy was talking to the new girl! And he made the first move OMG?

And that is to show how reserved he was when it came to girls. Kadang3 rasa macam bajet hot pun ada, yelah, orang handsome, kalau layan perempuan, jatuh lah saham. Ish buruk sangka, Nauzubillah. Anyway we've been friends since kanak3 Ribena so that made me an exception. So as predicted, this guy never had a girlfriend, not until he was 16. His first girlfriend ever. And turned out that his girlfriend was close enough to a bitch.

She cheated on him few times, the boyfriend discovered, granted her second (third, fourth) chances, yet she still did it. Finally he broke up with her. Aku dah banyak kali bagi peluang, and everytime aku confront dia, end up aku yang bersalah. Wtf? Empat tahun lebih kot. Ingat aku apa? As he went along rambling about the girl, I finally asked him.

Kenapa dia? Dan bukan sekali dia buat macam tu. Takkan terima je? Kau pulak bukan takde rupa, education segala, senang gila boleh cari lain. Tapi kenapa dia?

Silent. Yes, I have to admit, this girl isn't that drop-dead gorgeous to be kept as trophy wife or something. And with his look, memang nak cari spare tak susah. Tapi nak jugak dekat perempuan ni. I don't judge people by their look, tapi kalau perempuan tu baik, faithful, loyal, memang worth keeping lah. Ini tak, kalau dah menipu banyak3 kali, and boyfriend you tau all along yang you menipu sepanjang you buat penipuan tu, tunggu apa lagi? Tak dayus ke macam tu?

Knowing him, I know he was trying to save the relationship. People know him as someone with an extremely high ego, but he let it down because of her. Mungkin jugak the idea of being in a relationship is fairytale, since he never had a girlfriend before. Well, maybe. Itu teori sendiri. But then he said this. Aku kalau boleh nak cari girlfriend biarlah sampai jadi wife. Kalau macam tu, nak bawak jumpa mak aku pun tak sampai hati. Ah, tercair sebentar.

Tapi kalau tanya lagi, why her? Memang takboleh jawab. Which then makes me ponder.

Kalau lelaki ini yang sikit punya faithful penyayang segala bagai sabar dengan girlfriend 4 tahun buat hal still takboleh jawab kenapa dia pilih perempuan itu, then what will you answer if suddenly people came and ask,

WHY THAT ONE PERSON?

Do we really need a reason to love someone? If we do, then what's with those who stay in a violent relationship? Cheating spouses? What's with those who choose to keep loving someone though they are no longer in touch for almost a decade?

Reasons mean logic. And is there really a logic behind falling in love with someone?

Of Farah and Khairul.

I love the name Farah. And Farah is usually a first name, something like Nur, Siti, Fatin etc.
Like Farah Afiqah. Farah Shazana. Farah Liyana. Farashafika. (this one's a bit different kot)



And like Farah, the name Khairul also usually works like that.
Khairul Nazrin. Khairul Anuar. Khairul Afiq. Khairul Nizam.



You can hardly find someone with the name of Nur Farah bintisomething or Siti Farah bintisomething. There's always another name after Farah. Though Muhammad Khairul binsomething seems easier to find.


But the best thing is that I have both my own Farah and Khairul in my life. Itu je nak cakap senanye.