Keep calm and doctor on.

Let's talk about working nights now.

I've been on nights the whole week, and from the look of it, next week too. That's 8pm-8am. The job itself isn't too bad. But the sh*tty feeling that comes with it is a whole different story.

You go to bed at 8ish in the morning and wake up around 3-4pm. That if you're lucky. I can't really sleep long hours during the day so most of the times I'm already up by 1pm, forcing myself back to sleep at least until I hit 6 hours. If you're luckier, you sleep throughout and wake up at 5-6pm - but that means your Zuhur kelaut. Your choice.

But the sh*tty feeling when you wake up.. Ahh. The days are jumbled. The sun more blinding that usual. Your body aches from whole night of running around. It's a bit like post-workout effect minus the endorphine. You don't feel it when you're working out, but the day after everything just aches. The home empty. If you're lucky you get nice food on the table left by your husband who works during the day, if not, well, you'll live.

Like I said, the job isn't too bad. I find myself settling in quite quickly, Alhamdulillah. Be kind to everyone, and they'll be kind to you. At one point I was so sleepy that I even said, "I have to be chirpy and all bubbly at this hour (3.30am) or else I'll be grumpy and people won't like it, so just bear with me."

To which the nurse replied, " Do you feel the intense pressure to make people like you?"

"Not really, at this point I just don't care anymore. I just want to do my job. But you get your jobs done quicker when people like you."

The nurse paused.

"You're quie right there. I agree."

So yes, be kind to others and they'll help you. Especially when you're new to the hospital and you have no idea how much and what laxative you should prescribe to a patient at 2.40 in the morning. Or insulin regular or PRN. Aahhh insulin, the bane of my medical career. Other than cannula, of course. But I managed to put a cannula in (third working cannula in my career, ever), so hopefully it won't be in the list soon.

I find being kind to people helps. It helps with angry patient who refuses his feed because his insulin regime has been changed and it makes him unwell, but not taking the feed means he risks of hypoglycaemia. You just talk your way through, and be kind. Whether you're actually doing anything or not is a different story.

I'm afraid I am that kind of doctor at night. During the day I have no idea how I'll be since I haven't worked days. Yet.

And then one of my biggest fears surfaces. That I can do this whole doctoring job. Yes I can. Enjoyed it, probably, every now and then. Most of the times it's just, plain okay. Seeing patients is one thing, sorting them out with the ridiculous paperwork and bureaucracy of the hospital is a whole other thing. And let's not go into how much I don't like referring/asking/troubling others. Last two night I had to bleep the medical registrar (he was fast asleep) for patients who had a fall maybe with some bleed and another one with pulmonary oedema (lungs filled with fluid). He was all nice (bless him!) and just listened patiently but I haaaateee having to trouble him. Don't get me started on having to ask the nurse to do repeat obs or ECG, if it's up to me, let the patient sleep and the nurse rest and the registrar naps. Easy peasy. 

But that's not how hospital life is. You should be patient (pun there, see it?), and patient care is your first priority. I. Just. Don't. Have. That.

Bleeped at 7.20am, that's when I'm finishing my shift soon. Do I respond? Do I ignore? I did respond of course, but the urghh feeling of 'let me go homeee' was so intense I find myself asking, kenaaapaaa lah sekarang nak jatuhh (patient had a fall).

You might think I'm being mean. But I tell you what, this is what happens when there's no passion in the job. You find yourself constantly looking at the clock, bilaaaalah nak balikkk.

And this comes from someone who has been regarded as 'kind' by most people, including her husband.

Yes I do get that intense feeling of helping others, relieving them from pain. But as far as work is concerned, I. Need. To. Go. Home. In. Time.

Period.

I'm looking at options now. If I quit, I'd have no income. Worse, what about visa? I just applied for Tier 4 visa (junior doctor visa) so that's nearly £800 gone and quitting means it'll get revoked. Spouse visa is going to cost a lot more I believe.

Okay income-wise. I'll get paid rather handsomely for this current job. Yeap, kayo ok. So maybe I can just work for 4 months and quit then - that'll give me enough savings for, I don't know, a year plus on my own? That includes my current balance in account. I'm planning to do some side business to at least cover the cost of living, so probably I can stretch my savings a little bit. Our little one would be fine, inshaAllah. Cumaaa, visaaaa??

I'm a firm believer of Allah pemberi rezeki yang mutlak. Maybe I get stable pay while doctoring, but I believe our rezeki akan bertambah with a little one, and me serving as wife. If I continue doctoring for another year, little one has to wait too. And currently wife mode is completely gone. Part of it because I'm working too, another part of it is because, well, my husband is my colleague. And we're kinda on it because we reeeally don't want others to feel awkward around us like we sometimes did in college.

So guys, yes, we've grown up. :)

I have lots of plans for my life. It seems like I finally know what I want to do after a whole 7 years (and more) of submitting my life to medicine. But by the time that I'm sure, I'm already doctoring, and getting on pretty well on it.

In short, I lack of courage. That's what I'm all about. My biggest fear is probably failing - what if it doesn't work. I mean, I could be a doctor, a good one, (happiness is a different story), yet I choose to be self-employed, going down the uncertain route of enterpreneuring, (and be happy, inshaAllah!).

But what if I'm not (happy)?


What ifs, the bane of my existence. I've had sooo many what ifs since the start of medical school. What if I had quitted earlier? What if changed my course earlier? What if I never applied for FY1? What if we jumped straight into having a little one as soon as we moved in together? What ifs..


And all my what ifs are ways to get out of medicine.

I am, that desperate, guys.


Anyways, it's 4.45pm and I need to eat and pray and be ready for the next 8pm.