Having kids.

The last few days Adam has been asking about kids. About my thoughts on having kids. Our kids.

Twice.

Alright chill people we are talking about life after graduation here, not something in the nearest time chillz yo.

The first time he asked, I couldn't remember what my answer was. But then when he asked again the very next day, I replied by asking if he remembered that he had actually asked the same question the day before.

Bella: You do realise that you've only asked this question yesterday right?

Adam: Yes, but you haven't answered.

And man I tell you this thanggg has just got serious.

Having kids is one of my biggest scare. No it's not the physical pain of bearing them that scares me. Dude, we medics are trained to deal with pain, remember? It's the psychological aspect of it. It's the idea of bringing a child into this confused world that scares the heck out of me. Do I let them watch the TV near Maghrib time when Ninja Boy is airing? What if they ask about the missing plane and the bomohs, what do I tell them? What do I do if they refuse to pray berjemaah? What if they throw tantrum in the middle of the shopping mall when I'm too busy choosing handbags and my bimbo mode is on the scale of 11.5 over 10?

Right I sound like a paranoid mum. A bimbo one.

Then there's the question of love. Will I love my kids enough to wake up in the middle of the night when they cry for milk? Boobs milk. Or will I simply nudge Adam and say, "Wake up baby, your kid's calling" and snooze back to my dreamland?

Agak agak macam mana perasaan mak kita sayang kita? 

Nothing compares to a mom's love for her children and I've always wondered. Even the Quran says that there are two specific things that we humans are deeply attached to.

At-Taghabun: 15

I talked to a friend about this yesterday and she said it's pretty similar to the fear of getting married. Can anyone ever claim that they are ready to be a good spouse? I guess you never know until you become one.

I say it's quite different. I mean, even if you are lousy at house chores and cooking for example, your spouse is not going to die from starvation. There are take-aways, deliveries, you name it. But with a child? Can you afford to be lousy at parenting and nurturing them? *cringe*

There's also the fact that Adam and I have never really lived under the same roof. The longest would be around two months. Being the clingy wife I am, attention is the major question here. When we finally get to live in our own house one day. Like, finally. Undivided attention, hello?

I'm far from being a good wife, now we're talking about a good mother?

I guess it's just a feeling of personal inadequacy at the moment. Perhaps in time I'll grow and learn along the way, as I strive to become a better version of myself today.