Dear future.

Soundtrack in Dear Future 

(search Bernard Hiew on FB and his video, Dear Future)

Dear future Bella, you love him enough to let your freshly washed hair smell of ikan bilis from cooking dinner just now. Remember that twenty years from now. 

Or maybe, remember that tomorrow.

Heaven is a place on Earth with you.

I'm typing this in bed while having Ben and Jerry's Half Baked (because I couldn't find anything else for breakfast) with Adam on my side snuggling tight in his coccoon of duvet, insisting that it was ONLY 8.55am not ALREADY 8.55am.

Lesson one, find someone with the same biological clock as yours.

I'm still in the UK. Belfast, to be exact. Leicester was snowing terribly last weekend, and I was stuck at East Midlands Airport for almost 7 hours. Our flight to New York was from Dublin, and I you can guess, I couldn't make it to Dublin in time. I had to miss the flight.

We had the option to reschedule my flight to New York, but that would only be on Monday. Adam would have to fly first on Saturday and meet me there. It doesn't sound as bad until you put money into the equation. If we chose to do that, we'd have to pay almost £500 extra for the rescheduling. After what seemed to be an endless discussion on Viber (Adam was in Dublin relying only the airport wifi while I was at East Midlands), we decided to let it pass. 

Let US pass.

There are actually a whole load of things behind this US trip. And I decided that missing the flight was the last straw. Nevermind the idea of not going to US, or letting nearly £500 down the drain, it's really something more personal than that.

Lesson finally learnt.

I don't know what am I going to do with 5 weeks of spring break ahead of me, although doing nothing lazying around with no pressure of exams whatsoever doesn't sound too bad. And if I'm bored I have Adam to annoy, which could be some sort of entertainment until we drive each other nuts and try not to suffocate each other while asleep.

But for now, I'll just treasure this moment, the quiet morning, listening to his slow breathing, watching his eye twitch everytime I stroke his hair.

Heaven.

Here in Leicester.

Two very good reasons for me to try harder.

Depression is a strong word.

How do you go around breaking the heart(s) of the person(s) you love with all your life?

There's no price you can pay for your parents' love. To go around purposely making your own selfish decision intentionally breaking their hearts is not a choice. You can be sorry for all your life, and still not make up to it.

They say, "Do what you love, follow your heart."

I say, bullshit.

Suck it up. Life isn't just about you.

Death news.

Lately I received quite a number of death news. Not very pleasant considering I'm pretty sick myself. But at times like this, things had me thinking,

I thought I have an issue - been sick for over a month with no apparent reason, even the doctor couldn't really tell what's going on. But apparently there are people out there with a much bigger issue - death.

Losing someone dear isn't easy, and I won't say I know how it feels. I don't. Despite having lost arwah Tok Wan long ago, I'm not convinced that we all deal with death the same way. Plus, I was young when I had to go through it, somewhere in my primary school. To receive the news at this age might not be the same.

I'm not good at comforting people, that I have to admit. I fail even more miserably when it comes to telling people what they want to hear. I'm not good at expressing myself upfront either. I don't know how to tell people how deeply saddened I am by the news. But secretly, silently, insha Allah, you know my prayer is there, all the way.

To KN who recently lost his Ibu, rezeki Allah ada kat mana-mana. Tinggal kita nak usaha and doa je. I won't tell you to be strong, for I know you are, you have always been. There are things that can never tell you in person, but please know how greatly I look up to you, how sincerely I care, even if it's in my own way that I can never tell.

To Kak Hana who recently lost her Mok, if cherishing the moments is what works, then keep cherishing. The sixth pillar of Iman - Belief in the predestination by Allah of all things, both the (seemingly) good and the (seemingly) bad. Maybe that's what they meant when they say it's bad to cry for the deceased, we don't know.

To Abil who recently lost her grandfather, keep praying. I certainly don't know how things are at the moment, but never stop praying, it's the only thing we have. Kalau itu je yang kita mampu buat, then itu lah yang kita buat.

I remember this one prayer I posted long ago, a prayer while doing Tawaf.

Doa Tawaf pusingan ke-4 

"...Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, jadikanlah diriku berpuas hati dengan pemberian yang Engkau kurniakan kepadaku, berkatilah apa yang Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku dan gantikanlah apa yang hilang daripadaku dengan apa yang lebih baik daripada Engkau."

People, please, spare a moment to include them in your prayers. May Allah bless.

Sick.

Went to see the GP yesterday.

After a month's worth of history and examinations (and that included a pregnancy test lol)

....

ONE FREAKING WEEK OFF!!

Told you guys, I'm really sick :(