I wish you're here. But you're not. You're there. And there doesn't know how lucky it is.

Okay semorang. Start harini dah boleh stop belajar mengira. The countdown ends today yeay! *clap clap*

=______________________=

No I'm still in Malaysia. Safe and sound. As sleepy as ever (wadde?). But yeah. Well, it's 10 September already. And Adam has left this morning. Leaving me crying my heart out wailing wanting him to come back desperately.

Kiddin. 

No I'm not sad. Tak sedih pun. Pelik kan? Semangat post down under gila sebelum ni, emo emo segala bagai, on the day itself, tak rasa apa apa.

Numb.

Watching him leave, I was just like, okay. Take care, be safe. Dah. Itu je. Last year he was standing right before me and we were staring at each other as if we were holding on to something, not willing to let go. This time, takde private moments pun (lol). He salam salam everyone, then looked at me, then turun bawah. Kalau last year masa turun escalator tu I could read his lips syncing "I love you", just now he went down straight tak pusing belakang langsung. Wawawahh sudah tough sekarang ye. Haha.

Point is, tak rasa apa apa pun. Numb.

I didn't cry at all while sending him off last year. Well his mom caught me off guard with a picture of myself holding back the tears mata berkaca kaca (cewah), but no, I managed to tahan and not shed a single tear. Hebat kan? Hoho truth is, I cried a gazillion times before the date itself. So when the day has arrived, it's like, well, my tears were all dried up, and I was prepared for it (kononnya). Another thing, maybe back then I didn't know how my future was going to be like, everything was uncertain. So marilah menangis combo Adam fly plus masa depan yang tak menentu.

This time.. Alhamdulillah. We had beautiful days before he left, and I already have my flight date and.. I tak packing langsung lagi! (bukan faktor gembira) Orang tanya, so dah beli barang barang start pack sikit sikit dah? Bella dengan yakinnya menjawab, NAK BELI APA? Dan selalunya orang yang bertanya itu akan jawab, err, aah ek? Gotcha! (lol)

Entry macam gembira tapi.. Entahlah. Numb. Kemudian terfikir. Well lepas ni dah taktau nak randomly text siapa dah. Kalau dulu sampai rumah balik dari mana mana, terus text "Hoomeeeee!" Tak pun kalau terlepas LRT satu station terus text dia "Well terlepas satu station LRT lepas tu kena patah balik is SO NOT COOL." Walhal memang dah tau dia tak reply pun sebab confirm sure fire tengah berdengkur lagi. Bella semua benda pun nak report. Kadang kadang baru bangun tidur siang mamai mamai lagi pun terus call. Apelah. Lepas ni no more. But on a more positive note, jimat kredit. Kalau tak kredit macam air. Nak nak lepas ni topup dah naik harga cukai 6% (FAKIU) kan? Ha, memang sangat kena timing lah tu.

And kalau sebelum ni online tak pernah nak bukak Skype atau Oovoo sebab dia kat sini, sekarang ni haruslah. Melainkan kalau Facetime yang memang boleh call direct takpayah sign in apa apa (Izleen kalau kau baca ni memang aku refer kat kau pun). But 2 weeks je pun.. InshaAllah, we'll be fine.

Geeks

Okay semangat packing nak fly naik satu bar lepas hantar Adam kat KLIA.

Happiness is not knowing things that we can't have.

Like seriously? 

Now that there's another 6% tax on prepaid and SIM starter pack. What kind of world we are living in?

23 months and still forever counting infinitely.

And in that moment I swear we were indestructible.

Desperate measure.

***Updated

I changed my mind. Already. Thank you anon (:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Terlampau down under sampai at one point terbaring je atas katil locked up in my own room refuse to do anything.

While holding a pillow ketat ketat.

Talk to me. Make me feel better.

Email. 

Skype. 

Oovoo.
Facetime. 

YM. 

Facebook. 

Phone. 

Anything. Just distract me. Before I change my mind.

When a heart breaks, no it doesn't break even.

Perasaan sedikit awkward melihat itu. Tak, bukan jealous. Jauh sekali dengki. (walhal benda sama dua dua  blergh). Sekadar awkward.

I've always been a loyal fan of getting even. Equality. No not that sort of equalities in IB Math. Bukan juga hak persamaan lelaki dan perempuan. Lelaki dan perempuan tak pernah sama, hak dan kedudukan mereka juga tidak pernah sama. Maka tiada isu persamaan yang patut dibangkitkan.

But getting even here is more like revenge. Getting even ke, making it even ke, hatta breakeven sekalipun, tak pernah pulak I kisah. Even if such term doesn't exist, to heck with that. But you know what I mean.

Bila kau tau kawan kau bercakap belakang bukak cerita kedai kopi pasal kau, kau get even. Kau bongkar rahsia dia yang dulunya tak pernah kau kisah pun. Hah, kan adil di situ. Bila girlfriend kau keluar enjoy sini sana dengan kawan kawan, kau get even. Kau keluar dengan perempuan lain entah mana mana dengan harapan girlfriend kau feel bad. Amik kau, nak sangat kan keluar. Alasan famous, you started it first. Bila musuh kau beli iPhone Facetime lepas tu gebang kat Facebook jom Facetime tak habis habis, kau get even. Kau mungkin tak ada kawan untuk di-Facetime-kan, tapi kau buat status. Status FB posted via mobile bukan via iPhone sebab taknak bagi kita riak. Walhal kawan kau sekadar nak calling calling video free je, jauh sekali nak riak. Kawan kau yang lain yang sound hoi reply BBM aku takde pulak kau nak bising. Kau gaduh dengan boyfriend kau, dia tukar status in a relationship jadi it's complicated, kau tukar jadi single terus. Single betul baru padan muka.

Kenapa I cakap I fan of get even? Because that's what I did. I found out my partner keluar dengan exgirlfriend, I pun buat. Keluar dengan kawan lelaki lain. Dia reply text I lambat, I pun reply laaaaagi lambat. Dia buat palat tak contact I lama, I tak contact balik laaaaaaagi lama gila sebab amek kau. Kau ingat kau sorang je boleh buat macam tu, aku tak?

Back then, my famous stand would be, "Oh so you talk shit, do shit, YOU THINK I CAN'T?"

Whoa whoa. Chill Bella. And getting even lagi best dengan partner, sebab kat situ the war is 1-1. Kau takde backup lain. Dua dua sayang lagi, tapi nak tengok siapa lagi hebat, lagi cool. Lagi hurt-proof. Ego you je you tau, ego I? Fuhhhh.

Basically personally honestly sincerely truthfully automatically I would say it's EGO.

Yes, ego itulah yang drive kau untuk get even. Dia macam revenge, tapi baik sikit kot. Revenge macam kau sailang girlfriend aku, aku sailang girlfriend kau balik. Getting even pulak kau sailang girlfriend aku, aku cari girlfriend lain lagi hot lagi cun daripada kau. AMEK KAU.

Ha, satu lagi. AMEK KAU. NAK SANGAT KAN. AMEK LAH. Sounds familiar?

Semua ni phrases get even yang biasa. Equality.

Tapi itu dulu. Zaman kanak kanak muda muda trang tang tang tak matured pun lagi. Semua pun nak get even je. Darah panas, hati remaja la katakan. Lelaki ni bukan boleh percaya pun, balik balik ada jugak yang diorang buat belakang kita. Walhal lelaki tu tak bersalah pun. And time tu mentality sangat pessimist, "Nothing lasts forever. Setiap yang bermula pasti akan berakhir." Sebelum you tinggal I, baik I tinggal you dulu. Pergh. Dah macam pejuang hak asasi wanita pun ada.

Sekaranggg. Sekarang. Sekarang.. Dah matured (lah sangat). Dah boleh fikir, I nak get even pun untuk apa? It won't change a single fact. What done is done. Things are said. Contoh, boyfriend kau sama flight dengan bestfriend dia, takkan kau nak pergi kecoh kecoh tukar flight kau sama dengan bestfriend kau pulak? Dia dah cakap itu kebetulan. Walaupun kawan kau cakap itu mungkin satu kebetulan yang disengajakan, apa kau boleh buat? Daripada kau sakit hati koyak sorang sorang buat assumption it's NOT a coincidence, lepas tu simpan grudge sorang sorang, lagi baik kau terima je apa dia cakap. It IS a coincidence, and redha je lah. Awkward tak awkward belakang kira.

Dalam situasi ni, kau ada tiga pilihan: 

1. Tegar dengan assumption yang semua tu telah dirancang, tapi buat buat cool, cakap oh takpe I don't mind pun, tapi still suspicious dan syak wasangka segala bagai. Lepas tu koyak sendiri. Hati busuk gila.

2. Cakap awal awal, I tak bagi you duduk sebelah dia, by any means. Then make him agree to it. Tapi dalam hati, still cuak cuak ragu ragu boleh percaya ke boyfriend aku nih. What if dia buat jugak? Tak tenang hati wa cakap lu.

3. Redha. Lepak je. I can't be there so I just let them be. Easy peasy.

Walaupun mungkin tidak se-easy peasy yang dibayangkan, no 3 paling rasional, kan? Memang la awkward bila fikir balik. But then, so..? Berapa lama kau nak awkward? 13 jam sepanjang flight tu? Ke nak tambah lebih sebab waktu check in, dekat boarding gate for sure lepak lagi kan. 2 hari lepas boyfriend kau selamat settle down rumah semua? Ke 5 minggu sampai kau sempat jumpa dia balik to see if the flight has changed him in any ways? Awkward tu tak lama, harap harap. Lepak je la, macam lah kau tak biasa tengok diorang berbestfriend segala. Daripada kau curious gelabah cuak macam kau pulak yang nak fly, baik kau chill je. Sit back, relax, enjoy your remaning time dekat Malaysia, have good time Seoung Garden zeung zeung dengan bros kau. Heaven what? Tak payah nak gelabah sangat lah.

It's like, you know, whatever. Ha macam tu lah. Denial jugak, tapi ahh, whatever. (again)

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you better run, better run, outrun my gun.

Sountrack masa tengah type entry ni.

Raya 5.0 - Mid Valley madness.

Camwhores

Tsara, Umi, Danial, Adam

Clockwise from top; Adam's, Tsara's, Umi, Danial's, The Starter

Muka tak bersalah texting while having dinner depan depan. Mengada.

Ratu kebaya Mid Valley dan gangster Malaya

Movie: Cars 2

Tsara's signature poses

:)

 September 3rd, 2011 - Shawal 5th, 1432H

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together,

keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

- Winnie the Pooh