and i can't breathe without you but i have to.

i know i should be doing my abstract for EE now, but i can't.

the thought of you is drifting me away.

beep, handphone, beep. blink, show me a text is coming in.

oh. i can't think straight.

why do you have to put me in such a difficult situation?

:'(((((

love me again.

is it just me, or semester 4 IS actually killing everyone?

i'm tired. literally tired. i thought semester 3 was tedious enough. no, semester 4 has a lot more to offer. my energy is drained. i'm all messed up.

i'm going to flunk my chemistry. like hell, yeah. it's not like i don't understand what my classmates has been teaching in front, it's just that i couldn't remember a thing about what i just learnt 5 minutes after that. everything some sort of went blank. poof! disappear into thin air. this actually happens to all subjects, but it is very obvious when it comes to chemistry.

i used to LOVE chemistry once. yes, it was LOVE. and it's mutual. we love each other. i treated chemistry well, never slept in his class, paid my biggest attention to him. and he never failed to give me good grades.

but that relationship didn't last long. we had a fight somewhere in form 5. and i blew off. he said he was dumping me. heartbroken, i started ignoring him. and he, too, started to brag on how he could live without me. he went to see others behind my back. cheater.

but God knows best. somehow in SPM 2007, he came back to me. begging that i would take him in again. he gave me the most expensive gift that he could afford that time, a 1A. i was ecstatic. being young and free, i accepted him again, forgiving him for all the bad things he did.

we got along well since then. our relationship was perfect. we went to the same college, and had a good time together. semester 1 and 2 was our honeymoon year. in semester 2, he tried his best to show his love for me by giving me a 7, but somehow he failed. he ALMOST did, i could see the effort. but nevermind, my love for him grew deeper since then. i knew we could work things out.

in semester 3, the nightmare began. i became too busy. i did one of the biggest mistake since i started to be with him; i flirted. i went crazy over many other stuff, and i started ignoring him. things went worse each day, he just couldn't forgive me, and i couldn't care less. we became further and further apart in our own little lifeless IB world.

and he did the most unthinkable, unforgivable thing to me. he gave me a 5. a very weak 5. if it's not because we were once in love, i think he would have given me a 4 or 3. he really knocked me down. little did i realize how this bad romance could affect me this way. i stumbled.

now i'm learning to love him again. please, dear chemistry, forgive me. i miss our good old times together. can we at least be good friends?

talk to HIM. HE never failed to be there.

i'm fine. totally fine. perfectly fine.

sem III dapat 36 - alhamdulillah.

but chemistry and maths and business dropped menjunam macam bungee jumping.

kecut perut.

english pulak buat flying fox, sikit lagi nak masuk air.

adoi.

i'm losing my faith. i start worrying over small small things that should not be worried about. my thoughts are burdening me. sometimes i think i'm being too hard on myself.

hari tu tiba3 cuak pasal cardiff interview. walhal dah lepas pun. interview hari isnin, dah hari khamis baru terasa cuaknya.

my lips were tight. my mouth felt dry. mata pun hangat lain macam.

and she finally cried. taktau kenapa. no valid reasons. if nabilah is an element of math, for sure she won't exist. sebab invalid domain. (apa ni?)

"aku cuak cardiff. taktau kenapa. org sibuk3 cuak iumc next week, aku yg cardiff dah lepas ni pun baru nak cuak."

bella, kau kena faham konsep tawakal. kau dah berusaha, buat yg terbaik, and the rest leave it to God. tak guna kau nak cuak3 sekarang, yg penting doa banyak3. kalau cardiff tu terbaik untuk kau, tak ke mana nya. tp kalau rezeki kau bukan kat situ, Allah ada plan lain untuk kau.

i rarely quoted my classmates, but this came from Aiman.

and somehow i felt relieved. i just needed some soothing words.

thanks Aiman, i wish you the best for your interview.

:)

you can go to hell, thank you.

jangan emo, sila jangan emo, nabilah.

recent stuff. (and some not-so-recent ones)

FACEBOOK

deactivated. i've always wanted to do this, but so much afraid that i cannot keep up with the latest news (not so much of gossips okay) of my fellow dearest friends. the non-dearest friends, you can go to hell, thank you. but the decision made in less than 5 minutes ago was merely influenced by the fact that i saw you who-try-to-play-nice-but-you're-so-nasty trying to play nice again. yeah, you. i guess what my good friend said about you was right. i tried all my best to defend you, tried to think positive, see you from a whole hell different point of view, but all the efforts just went down the drain. you don't even deserve it. so you can go to hell, thank you.

on second thought, i think you're just being human. and that gives you a more concrete reason to go to hell, thank you.

[so i guess its REactivated for now, but still, you can go to hell]

NEW YEAR 2010

Facts

1. pavilion's surau is cool. i mean, it's so easy to find,not so many people, and there's even hot water running from the tap! okay, lie. i didn't try the hot water thingy, but at least the taps said so.
2. sg wang's foodcourt is small, very small for it's title as a foodcourt, indeed. but the food is good, if not too bad.for about RM6.50, you get a full plate of fried rice. yeah, FULL. value for money.
3. avatar should be the most original movie of the year. (the storyline's a bit predictable, though)
4. UM should be awarded as the biggest, best, most strategic FREE accommodation in kl.
5. celebrating new year with cousin(s) and sibling(s) is terrific. i've done it with friends, but having family members around means much more:)
6. a 5MP full touch screen LG phone would be very helpful to capture the beautiful splendid moment.
7. you, yeah, hell you, can go to hell.

THE NOT-SO-NEW-YEAR 2010

Facts

1. samsung star is hellish sleek and charming, but no 3G and wifi. pity.
2. lowyat's ATMs are hardly functioning when they are most needed.
3. handphones are kehendak, not keperluan.
4. wearing contact lens for two consecutive days without taking them out is okay.there's another surau at the upper level of KL sentral, less congested.
5. you, yeah, hell you, can go to hell.

Sila go to hell, thank you.

absence makes the heart grows fonder.

i'm not sure why, but i love to talk about home.

rumah saya.

when people ask me, where i come from, i would explain from A-Z.

my mum is a kelantanese.

my dad comes from kedah.

me myself was born in selangor.

and zahid, too.

apparently syahirah, afiq and adam were born in pahang.

we have been living in terengganu for plus minus ten years.

but currently my family is living in myanmar.

while me, of course, in banting.

can i speak terengganu?

yes, obviously. but with my closest friends and cliques, only. i can't speak terengganu with strangers, not even to the hawkers or shopkeepers.

but i don't sound like it??

it's because my family never speak terengganu at home. it's just, prohibited. we speak standard language since kelantan, kedah and terengganu have obviously different accents. (and they are thick and hard to immitate, too)

what about kelantan and kedah?

a bit. i speak kelantan like a siamese, while kedah? broken one can lah.

final one, burmese?

that's a tough one. i know very very little burmese. like mingalabar = greetings.

so am i a terengganu-an?

no, i'm not. sorry, but i would absolutely deny that if people say so. we don't have anyone in terengganu. not a relative. my father has been working here, so this is where we live.

what happen during school breaks?

this is one of the most puzzling mind-breaking question. i spend my holidays everywhere, anywhere. my uncles' places around kl, mostly. during long holidays, (please note that LONG here means two weeks or more), i would go back to myanmar. but it's not that often, for the ticket fare is pretty expensive, i would say. i went back once last year, and again, once, during raya break this year.

so where is HOME?

i spend most of my time in kuala lumpur since i was little due to daddy's work. but i love to call our small little dwelling in paka, terengganu as home. although it's very hard for me to come back, this is, apparently, where i belong. not terengganu, but the house itself. it IS somewhat i call HOME. i grew up here. i had my early education here. i was teased for not being able to speak terengganu here, and i learnt their language, word by word, also, HERE. i may not miss terengganu when i am away, but i do miss the house- daddy named it Darul Sementara (it means that the world is only temporary, there will be an afterlife, and we, somehow, will have to leave it eventually)

i don't blame my friends if they hardly ask me to join any reunions or gatherings or whatsoever, for they themselves are not sure where would i be at that time. once, when my lower secondary school (SMKA Kuala Abang) held its grand reunion for our batch, i wasn't even informed! heartbroken? not so much of it. because as expected, i wasn't even in terengganu at that time. so i couldn't bother less.

back home, i only have these childhood friends with me. we were in the same primary school. nazihah, nazrin, aiman, and few more. but very very few. i met aiman during my last visit to terengganu (and that was like early this year) and nazihah, i can't remember. nazrin? i thought he moved to dungun already, didn't have the chance to see him, despite of his invitation for raya feast.

people come and go. in my life, it works that way. i entered a school, made friends, and eventually had to move on. find another friends. it's not my fault if my friends mostly come from terengganu, and not theirs too. for this reason, i rarely stick to one particular bunch of friends. because i know, distance would keep us apart. i love them, though. really really do. but somehow, life keeps on changing, and people will not stay the same.

i am proud of my alma-mater anyways.

5-6 yrs old: Tadika Al-Husna

7-12 yrs old: SK Seri Paka

13-15 yrs old: SMKA Kuala Abang

16-17 yrs old: SM Sains Dungun

(see, all of them are within one hour from HOME)

friends, forgive me i you feel that i'm making very little effort to re-connect or whatsoever. my lifestyle for the past nineteen years, with lots of moving here and there, has shaped me into who i am today. i can't stay, but deep down my heart, i still remember most of you, where we met, and everything.

and i DO treasure friendship.

i love you people:)

[entry ini sedikit sayu kerana penulis akan meninggalkan rumahnya di paka, terengganu dalam masa kurang dari 24 jam.penulis hanya sempat berada di rumahnya selama tiga hari setelah hampir setahun merantau di tempat orang dan tidak dapat menjangkakan bila lagi beliau akan dapat melihat rumahnya ini]

when fever, cough, sinus and asthma go on strike all at once.

i wonder why did i trust you in the first place.

wondering..

wonder..

wondering..

wonder..

maybe it's just your luck, i guess.

may God show you the light.