Bella

Prague was cool (and cold)

2012-01-29T02:18:00.000Z

Baru je semangat excited nak balik Leicester and feel the familiar warmness after few days of brain freeze in Prague, only to be greeted by this.

Sebab tak boleh terima kenyataan, pergi menyibuk usha weather orang pulak.

Haih. Tak boleh jadi. Kena tukar kampung halaman la macam ni.

The minus degree.

2012-01-28T00:18:00.001Z

Nothing beats the cold better than the warmness of the people here. And of course, my ultimate travel (and lifetime) companion, undeniably.

Exam Eve.

2012-01-22T22:39:00.000Z

Panic attack. So I ended up doing these.

RailMaze - a game I downloaded ages ago only to be discovered in my Mac today due to extreme anxiety.

Oh Ally, apa kurangnya pelajar perubatan di UK..

The date was 2 days ago. The final order was finished this morning, total amounting £101 something including delivery. Yes, kerja kami house tiga orang. Sape je boleh beli groceries sampai 100 over? Humph.

But in the end still have to go back to this T_T

Ps. I notice in every background of the screenshot there's always some medical stuff (slides, notes) etc at the back. Guess I'm still civilized then.

Childhood memories: Coconut shake and ayam goreng.

2012-01-19T00:42:00.000Z

Lately I'm having this pasar malam crave thing. Nasik ayam, nasik air, keropok, murtabak daging, apam balik, roti bom, ayam goreng, char kuay teow, mi bandung, and the ultimate most irreplaceable unbeatable shake ever, the coconut shake. The coconut water and flesh topped with vanilla ice cream, one is simply not enough. Back then it was only RM1, so every time we went to the pasar malam we would always end up with 5 or 6 coconut shakes, one for each (I have 4 other siblings with huge stomach in need to be constantly fed), but still never enough. We would then gather in front of the TV watching some cartoon like Ninja Boy while munching all those unhealthy food. Heaven.

Until came Ayah warning us that Maghrib was about to begin and siapa tak mandi lagi pergi mandi sekarang lol.

I guess it was the atmosphere. The hustle and bustle of people busy looking for food, or sometimes just wandering around aimlessly. I grew up in a tiny rural area (was a fishermen village, once) of Paka, Terengganu. Google that, see if you find anything. Pasar malam was on Wednesdays. When I was in primary school, I relied heavily on Umi and Ayah to bring me there. Else me and my friends would ride bicycles ramai ramai to pasar malam together. Then I grew up a little bit, rasa otai sikit, went there with my forever childhood friend, Nazihah by a motorcycle. No I couldn't ride a motorcycle back then, and I still can't. Later after entering college, we went there driving, occasionally. I remember the thrill of riding a motorcycle since I couldn't ride my own. Excitement.

It was Terengganu, I was young, I didn't know any sort of other entertainments. Pasar malam was our socializing park.

The pasar malam was held near the beach. Oh yes, Paka is so very tepi pantai, which is super nice. So sometimes we would buy stuff and eat them straightaway at the beach, watching the sun went down and the red streaks filling in the sky. Which was one of the reasons why Ayah doesn't fancy pasar malam much - he's not a big fan of crowded places, and the idea of going out nearing Maghrib. Banyak syaitan ish ish.

What was so good about the unhealthy food, I don't know. But I guess it works the same way as mamak, Ayah said roti canai mamak sedap because of the peluh peluh mamak yang tebar roti tu. So for pasar malam food, it's the habuk and dust and saliva of people crowding the place (eiyew) that make them taste good. Argh. Disturbing betul description.

These are memories. My childhood. Yes despite not being able to speak the language anymore, I grew up in Terengganu, spent more than 10 years there, acting like a local (which usually turned into huge fail). Usually people would be surprised if I tell them I spent my childhood in Terengganu, perhaps because we look as if we are so settled in Kuala Lumpur now. But no, we still have our home in Terengganu, the one Ayah named Darul Sementara (because dunia is only temporary), the cold and empty home.

I've never referred myself as orang KL, nor am I orang Terengganu, because we don't have any relatives there since Ayah is from Kedah and Umi is Kelantanese and I was born in Subang Jaya, Selangor. I'm just.. I don't know. That one particular thing about me is that I don't have any sense of belonging to any place. Home can be anywhere. My family moved from Terengganu to Myanmar back to Sarawak while my brother and I lived in Kuala Lumpur.

But now it's Taman Melati, Kuala Lumpur. The view of MRR2 and Genting Highlands from 25th floor might not be as pleasing as stepping on the fresh grass back home in Terengganu, but still, it is home, for now.

I've never been to Taman Melati's pasar malam, though I've been to Kampung Baru many times for the food, but I bet nothing could beat the memory of coconut shake and rangka ayam goreng seringgit satu in Paka.

Some putu discussion to further enhance my frustration and longing for pasar malam food.

Thanks Faizul sebab layan aku dan putu putu kuuu.

Exam tomorrow?

2012-01-17T03:34:00.000Z

Bajet exam sendiri lagi sebulan je -.-

Swearing lesson.

2012-01-16T09:18:00.000Z

Having spent time with Adam in a way revealed how I tend to swear when things happen. So one day he asked me.

Adam: Perlu ke swear?
Bella: Yes. Research says it's a good stress reliever.
Adam: But you swear everytime.
Bella: Let me show you how to swear. Like shit can be applied to almost anything as noun. Example. What is that shit? I have loads of shits to deal with. Shit happens.

And apparently there was one time he nearly tripped over something on the road.

Adam: I just stepped on shit.
Bella: No, you say I just stepped on SOME shit. Shit is not as if literally shit, it's just SOME shit.
Adam: Hurm okay.

Then he wanted to teach me something on swearing as well.

Adam: I'll show you how to use fcuk.
Bella: Oh okay.
Adam: When you want to say fcuk, you don't say fcuk. You say FISH. Like I FISHING love you.
Bella: ...

Yeah. Malu sendiri.

Perempuan mencarut sungguh tak cool I tell you.

Hello Genetics, I dont like you.

2012-01-13T21:22:00.001Z

I'd rather be fined by the policeman in Angry Gran,

or eaten by the beasts in Temple Run,

or captured by Adam in the kepung-titik game,

or lost by one number in BINGO,

than having to churn all the enzymes cascade stuff of blood clotting and mumbling mitosis meiosis as well as transcription translation mutation genetic defects DNA blobbing and staining and some shit.

To love is to remember.

2012-01-11T23:30:00.001Z

Remembrance is both an indication of and a mean to love. If you want to know what you love, look at what you remember. If you want to choose what you love, choose what you remember.

I'll be home this summer. InshaAllah.

Ze last day of ZOII.

2011-12-31T12:58:00.001Z

Off to meet ZOIZ.

Life goes on. So must you.

2011-12-30T00:48:00.001Z

I'm afraid that's your problem.

I know, and I can't simply tell them because it would be very selfish. And immature.

Then start looking for someone new.

But I don't want to. It's not like you find someone new and you move on. No it doesn't simply work like that.

Sekali lagi, menerima kemungkinan untuk kehilangan sesuatu yang dianggap sebahagian daripada kehidupan sendiri bukan mudah. Dalam masa yang sama terasa diri seakan begitu lemah dan menyedihkan apabila definisi 'kehidupan' sedikit sebanyak disandarkan pada orang lain. Get a life. Kehidupan sendiri. Di mana kaki ini boleh berdiri tanpa perlu berpaut pada sesuatu. Di mana bibir ini boleh menguntum senyum tanpa perlu mencari sebab zahir. Lagipun bukankah bahagia itu datangnya dari hati?

Maka pegangan ego "people come and leave" mahupun "nothing lasts forever" terus hilang entah ke mana, digantikan dengan perasaan insecure dan neurotic. Please. Don't go.

Hidup. Dan bukan sekadar bernafas kosong dari hari ke hari.

Happy Birthday, dude. Let's do Europe after this.

And make these faces in front of Eiffel Tower.

Disappointment.

2011-12-27T03:41:00.000Z

Boxing Day. Don't know if it's me who's not enthusiastic or determined enough to bring myself to queue for Next and River Island, or it's just a plain disappointment. Maybe it's Leicester, small town with only Highcross as the main shopping mall. Or maybe it's me, the lazy one. Hoping for cheap bargains to come crashing down to my knee while just stealing glances at those sardine-like shops. Or perhaps not so sardine at all, I'm just exaggerating, as usual. But still, what a disappointment.
It's 3 am and I can't sleep, nor can I study. Been staring at the news feed on Facebook keeping me updated on those ridiculous scenes of Boxing Day anywhere else other than Leicester. Crazy people. We never get enough of things. We buy as long as we can, then wonder where did our money go. But refuse to return the items we've bought. Ah, perempuan. Get all angry when labelled as typical, but still do all those typical things. Disappointing.
Facebook again, have just successfully let some friends down, due to indecisiveness and lack of self-esteem and confidence. Complete hallucination of ranks of people in life leading to sistem kasta dalam diri sendiri. Nanti tak ada kawan langsung baru tahu. Let down, that's another two-word direct translation of disappointment.
Major Facetime disappointment. Conversation ended up hanging, with the other person fell asleep while a long silence was going on, without me having an inch of effort to break it. Plain. Things feel plain. The excitements are gone. Nothing to look forward to. 2012 feels just as another year. The way we feel like we're just another person in someone's life. Major major disappointment.
And rejection.

Tired of being rejected until there's a point where you feel like giving up. Like not putting any expectation nor hope. Have to be more realistic. Ekspektasi duniawi.

Dan di saat diri mengharapkan supaya orang lain tidak berputus asa dengan diri ini, terasa seakan diri sendiri pula yang semakin tidak meletakkan harapan kepada orang lain. Penat untuk bertahan, menerima satu demi satu kekecewaan bukan semudah yang dilihat. Harus kuat, tapi sampai bila. Dan soalnya, perlukah bertahan sampai begitu sekali?

Yes, I feel like giving up on you.

Maka harus membuang harapan mahupun angan angan atau secara realistiknya suatu cita cita yang tidak perlu. Masa depan bukan milik kita. Masa depan satu rahsia. Tak perlu merancang kiranya tiada keperluan. Kalau tidak harus berdepan dengan kekecewaan. Lagi.

Ah, itu baru kecewa dengan dunia.

And I'm sorry (for myself) that I didn't give up on us when you did.

Here's to my pretty one;

2011-12-26T23:43:00.000Z

Happy Birthday.

I love you.

Sadface.

2011-12-25T01:59:00.000Z

You know, staying up late to study can be an achievement to some. Me too, except I find it a little bit too unhealthy. And dangerous. Because at one point I'll be bombarded by my thoughts, ridiculous unnecessary thoughts. These thoughts are later joined by some casts needless to say, TOTALLY UNNECESSARY.

And as my eyes grow all weary and tired, the next best thing to do is to go online. And write. And not having a valid point to write on. Just write.

Part of it is because I'm missing someone. It hasn't been long since I last heard from that someone, but enough to make me go SIGH I MISS YOU just before I shut my eyes and go to bed.

And waking up to no missed calls neither text messages. And remembering that I had a full sleep the night before not being disrupted by late night calls. It feels different. Sigh.

Cause I'm sad liddat :(

Birmingham and The Chocolate Factory.

2011-12-24T09:32:00.000Z

I could say my life feels complete now that Izleen is here, but no, I still have to cram everything by January 1st. And having her here makes makes it much harder, not because she won't let me, but simply because I don't want to. It's like, notes can wait, while she's leaving on 28th (they rhyme?) But then there's Adam asking "Takkan awak nak start study 29 haribulan kot." Hurgh. Dilemma. What a life-changing decisions I have to make.

Despite being caught in the middle (drama gila), we still managed to go for a random trip to Birmingham yeay! Mind you the train tickets were booked at 1am the night before the trip. Gilo apo. But hey, we made it!

So everyone, say hello to Birminghaaaaaam!

Cadbury Wooorldehhh here we coooomeeeehhh!

Union Jack!

Taken shortly after we purchased the tickets

And inside..

Viewed from inside

LOVES!

Heart chocolates

Catching the bubbles!

Picnic for lunch outside

See the picture? We think it's sooooo cute! :D

Chocolate piper

After spending hours in there, we decided to head back to Birmingham New Street since we purchased return train tickets to Bournville (where the Cadbury World is). And from New Street we took a bus to Coventry Road. For this.

They have like a gazillion of books and shawls and stuff. And the shawls are soooo cheap and cantik! Kalau nak compare dengan malls and kedai like H&M, Dorothy Perkins and stuff la. And they even have things like minyak atar, abaya, tasbih, sejadah, Quran and nasheed CD and all those Islamic stuff. Stepping into here, the smell reminds me to Makkah. Memories.

Coventry Road is like an Islamic Town (China Town-ish?) where you can find rows of halal restaurant and bookshops and even regular shops owned by Muslims. The price is reasonable and I guess what's more is the sense of having your brothers and sisters around. I don't know, it always touches me whenever I see Muslims in a large crowd in UK. Feels like we are all here united for a cause. Like the Twins of Faith event in London. But again perhaps it's just me.

Later after strolling down Coventry Road we decided to have dinner. Plenty of time to kill, so buffet is the perfect place to be at!

Desserts!

What more interesting is the fact that it was their first day operating! Things were a bit kecoh since it's their first day, but the manager was very kind. He let us pray at the first floor and even provided sejadah, which is kind of fair since Coventry Road itself is a Muslim-packed place. But I guess if they have a specific prayer room that would be nicer. But price-wise, it's £11.99 per person, all you can eat, excluding drinks. Not bad, but honestly, I still prefer Red Hot Buffet. The food here is good, but I guess not to my taste. Not quite.

Next, before heading home, we stopped by at Bullring shopping mall. Yes, the famous Bullring. Went into Selfridges, bought a notebook with kotak kotak pages for £9.75. Yes I know it's damn expensive for a buku kotak kotak (imagine your Maths exercise book in high school but this time with an ultra stylish cover), but I couldn't resist myself, and I have always been a HUGE DIE HARD FAN of stationeries! It was a guilty pleasure, but me so happy now that I can play titik titik in that book! You know, that kind of dots you make at intersections of the kotak with red vs blue pen and you have to make fortress (I call them rumah) and engulf your enemy. Oh, tak faham sudah. Itu my childhood okay.

Don't know what castle it is

The famous Bullring

Fun times, checked. Girlfriends ramai ramai going for trips are fun, but just the two of us, we make the best company in the world. I feel contented. Even just to Birmingham. Dua orang. That's enough.

So now.. Back to epithelial and glands!

While watching her still asleep in my bed T_T

Have a little faith in me.

2011-12-21T02:57:00.002Z

Will you like you if you meet you?

I would use "marry" instead of "like" but marriage is just between two people while "like" is something more universal, more general.

We love to talk about ourselves, opening up, sharing things. It's human nature. After all, it's easier to describe ourselves rather than others, merely because we always thought we know ourselves better than anyone else.

Not pointing to others, even me myself, after a super long endless ramblings and conversation with friends asking for my opinion, I would usually end up saying, "Aku cakap je apa yang aku rasa, how I see it, but the rest is up to you. You should know better. Kalau kau nak buat decision yang aku rasa tak betul lepas tanya aku segala bagai pun, who am I to question. Just one thing for sure, whatever decision you take, kau tau aku ada kat sini. When you look back, you will always have me."

How nice it is to know that you have someone who will not lose faith in you. Assurance. We are only human, we want certainties, assurance. Why do you think people keep on "borrowing problems from the future"? That's because we want certainties, we need to be sure that THINGS WILL BE ALRIGHT. And to know that someone will always be there even when things go wrong is just.. Enough.

But at times I do wonder to myself, do I really mean when I say I will always be there. Being me, there are always times when I just choose to retract myself from the world. Out of sudden. Mula mula tengok Bella bersepah kat Facebook spamming "counting days ♥" kat wall orang. Next minute, I don't even feel like replying to others. Random messages saying hi to some random people are left unreplied. No, I read them all. I just don't feel like replying. Or saying anything.

Then there's this penyakit malas-nak-reply-text. To be honest, I have Whatsapp messages left unreplied, those Viber texts, Skype and stuff, I read them all. I just don't feel like replying. And those are not from just some people, they're somewhat who I refer as friends. "Real" friends.

Kalau orang tegur kat Facebook Whatsapp Viber Skype segala pun susah nak reply, lagi nak claim "You will always have me"?

Someone who will not give up on me, who has never given up on me, who will always be there for me, no matter how messed up I am, no matter how stupid and ridiculous my decisions are, no matter how incomprehensible my act is, no matter how gedik my self-withdrawal seems to others.. When the world is against me.. When even me myself admit to having taken the wrong path.. When I am in doubt.. When I am in denial.. When I am left in uncertainties..

When the world keeps on questioning me when all I need is just the answer not another question..

And that someone might not give me the answer, but everything I need to know that there's always someone who will always have faith in me.

A home. A home to the heart. A heart to pour my soul out.

She, who will never reject me, who will never give up on me, no matter under what circumstances I am in, no matter how messed up my life is.

And then there's me, who's not too sure on who I am, who's wondering on what I've become, whose act isn't justifiable by words, who say things and then do otherwise,

who is not even sure if I will like me if I meet me.

Will you?

Major crush on.

2011-12-17T22:03:00.001Z

I'm not that into Tissues of the Body modules, which basically is all about human anatomy and histology and stuff, but this lecturer makes it so hard to resist, despite having 8.30am Wednesday classes as compared to 9.00am on other days.

People, meet Dr Hales.

So we had the last lecture on Tissues of The Body last Wednesday (don't ask, I forgot what it was about), and Dr Hales with his overflowing charm made us go through a quick test for his mid-lecture break.

We were all given a piece of paper each to write down our answers to 5 questions and our names. After the last question, he announced that everyone would have to submit the answers via air mail.

And by that, he meant paper planes.

Yes, PAPER FREAKING PLANES.

Imagine how cool was that? Everyone was busy folding their paper planes using the answer papers and launching them into the air, hoping that those planes would get to the front stage of the lecture. We could see like many many many paper planes flying in the air and some of them even landed on others but no one really cared. It was the joy of launching paper planes, aiming them to your lecturer at the front! I was, of course, trying hard to capture this epic moment but obviously, turned out as an epic fail since 4S is just a phone, and I was shaking out of excitement.

Serious excited gila.

See those paper planes on the right? That obviously would not make it to the final front stage terminal.

He then collected the "assignments" one by one to check on who got it right, and announced their names saying that he'd reward them with stuff.

One of the assignment papers he claimed to be void due to improper folding of the paper plane. It was actually a paper merely crumpled thrown to the front stage (because not every paper plane can easily make it to the front especially if you're sitting at the back of the lecture hall)

Later on he chose winners who got the answers right and said that he'd give them presents, which were actually stuff from his office! Some were medals, a can drink, old Histology books, instant noodles and stuff.

Like seriously, not only his method of assignment submission was cool, he even said that the due date has passed, that those who submitted late wouldn't be counted even if they (they paper planes) made it to the front!

I know my writing is doing injustice towards him, since only those who were in the lecture hall will get what I mean. I was, literally, shaking while watching the whole lecture theatre bustling with excitement and the air filled with flying white papers.

Sumpah, lecturer ini sangat charming.

Exam anxiety.

2011-12-14T08:11:00.001Z

I need more space. So that my books can cover a wider surface area of the room. Because it makes me feel good. Even if I don't read them.

Belfast, Y U NO NEAR LEICESTER?

2011-12-10T17:41:00.001Z

Charming lecturer is charming.

2011-12-08T08:02:00.000Z

Meanwhile in the Histology lab;

"So let see what we have here. Many bits of nuclei, two periosteum, a transverse section of a fascicle and.. A broken slide."

...

PAUSE.

*chuckled to himself*

DR HALES, Y U SO CHARMING???

You come from a woman, you have no right to disrespect one.

2011-12-03T22:10:00.001Z

Perlu melepaskan geram walaupun mungkin akan kedengaranseperti pejuang hak asasi wanita yang takde kena mengena pun dengan settingcerita.

No. I don’t have anything against falling in and out oflove. And jumping from relationships to another. Siapa kata kalau bercintamemang kena kahwin? Well, the intention is there, of course, but if it doesn’thappen, who are we to question what goes wrong? Evaluate yourself, and guesswhat? Try again. Life is too short to regret. Hesitate a moment, and it’s gone.

Tapi kalau alasan sikit punya BODOH, yes, STUPID as I wouldsay it, what the?

I love her too freaking much that I think she should be withsomeone better. She deserves better.

Heck, if your love is like that enormous humongous andstuff, BE THAT SOMEONE. BETTER than who you are right now. And do you think byletting her go to find someone better out there, she’ll actually find someoneREALLY better? What if she falls for a jerk? Who treats her worse than you do.Isn’t it kinda stupid?

And who do you think she is? Eh, ingat perempuan ni apa?Suka hati je nak pass pass kat orang? Kau rasa kawan kau lagi baik dari kaulepas tu pass girlfriend kau dekat dia? Chill bro, life isn’t thatstraightforward. Kalau straight sangat tak fun lah. Don’t you feel honoured thatshe chose you in the first place? Kalau dia nak sangat ‘lelaki yang lebih baik’tu, dah lama dia pilih that guy. Tak rasa macam tu ke?

IS IT THAT HARD TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE ACTUALLY FALLEN OUTOF LOVE, OR THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

Hoi lelaki, susah sangat ke?

If you really love someone, you’ll work for it, don’t you?You’ll fight to keep the person you love.

Awak, cakap je lah dekat dia yang awak sebenarnya tak sayangpun dia. Atau mungkin sayang awak sekadar sayang yang chill chill je, takberapa nak cinta pun. Takpayah la nak pusing pusing cerita, driving her crazybecause you know what? She’ll keep on wondering to herself where did she gowrong. She’ll wonder if there’s anything she could do to save the relationship.The ‘LOVE’ as you say it.

Jangan nak menipu sangat, boleh?

Phew. Done with emotional crap.

Girlfriends.

2011-12-03T19:08:00.001Z

Just a bunch of kawan kawan perempuan.

Song for the relationship keeper.

2011-12-01T07:51:00.001Z

Because she knows you'll show up.

Of Cardiff Bay, eBay, and life as the bay.

2011-11-29T19:34:00.001Z

Life is like the bay. The tides and waves.. They come, crash the shore, and return to the sea, leaving marks on the sand. But no matter who hard they crash, how unpredictable they could be, the shore stays. Faithfully. Always to welcome the crash, without fail.

Or perhaps like the eBay. You place a bid on things you want, risk your expectation, only to be crashed by higher bidder at the very last minute. Or maybe, you place a bid, won, but suddenly decided not to purchase the item. By that time it's too late. Damage's done. Like it or not, you have to pay for the price.

But life could also be like the Cardiff Bay on a sunny afternoon in the winter. The wind, the sun, the wonderful people. The perfect weekend.

Ni mesti sebab pergi Cardiff last weekend and fall in love hard, sebab tu lah kot. Cardiff is the 3rd city I've been since I arrived in the UK, and the furthest. And I fell in love almost immediately. Don't know why.

It was a long weekend. A pretty one.

From Leicester to Birmingham, changed the train heading to Bristol. And from Bristol took another train to Cardiff.

Arrived at Edy and Farah's place around midnight, tired and exhausted and worn out, but God knows how good it felt to see those familiar faces. Sumpah tak tipu.

Then Saturday was a full day of SEED, a program held by Cardiff people on Fiqh Khilaf, with Ustaz Nabir from Belfast as the speaker.

Mula mula semangat je semua, half way through everyone was drained already.

Ustaz Nabir, Belfast

Later in the evening, we went to the city to have a taste of Cardiff night life (ceceh). And watched Breaking Dawn. Oh yes, siang pergi program and all, malam tengok movie. Balance kan? -.-

Winter Wonderland

Partner in crime dalam mem-balance-kan diri.

There goes Saturday. Then came Sunday. Pretty Sunny Sunday.
Modus Operandi: Cardiff City and Cardiff Bay.

Nyanyi Negaraku sambil tunggu bas.

Cardiff City Hall

Winter Wonderland daytime version.

Bri'ain, anyone?

Cardiff Castle

Duta Nike Cardiff.

Millenium Stadium

Cardiff Railway Station

Buffet for lunch!

Cardiff Bay, finally!

Took a train at 3.45pm, heading home, transit dekat Birmingham (again).

Birmingham Train Station

And finally,

HOME.

Life is short. Your days are numbered. Are you going to sit and wait for things to happen like the shore,

or be the waves that bring changes and leave marks?

Meanwhile in Cardiff..

2011-11-28T13:58:00.001Z

Running Man;

(whatever the show is about)

Random soundtrack:

We always knew that it'd come to this

It's times like these I forget what I miss

Matters of heart are hard to address

Especially when yours is full of emptiness

And it's quite alright and goodbye for now

Just look up to the stars and believe who you are

Cause it's quite alright

And so long, goodbye

So Long Goodbye, Sum 41

I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more.

2011-11-25T00:00:00.000Z

Skype with Umi.

Umi: You always do your hair like that ah?

Me: Well sometimes. Serabut lah sebab tu jadi camni.

Umi: Well you can always tie your hair at the back.

Me: Tak boleh la, rambut tak sama panjang nanti jatuh tepi tepi.

Umi: Okay, but it looks funny.

Me: Why do you always have to pick on me? Dulu jerawat, lepas tu bilik sepah. Now my hair. Ugh. Tak baik laahhhh.

Umi: Takde la. I remember when you cut your own hair and taknak pergi kedai lepas tu end up with a very funny haircut.

Ps. Umi memang suka pick on me. Dulu rambut kelakar lah, lepas tu every time ada jerawat baru naik, she'll always be among the first to tegur, like WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SKIN?? Then tiba tiba bagi remark lepas lama tak jumpa, LOOK YOU'RE GETTING ROUNDER. (Depressing kan itu yang first orang perasan -.-) And since datang UK ni, tak habis habis nak cakap bilik I sepah. And tadi kena pulak funny hairdo. Ugh. Thanks Mom.

Later..

Umi: Have you called your dad?

Me: Dah. Semalam. He's doing fine.

Umi: Kesian Ayah, he said he's not eating anything. Sorang sorang.

Me: Eh? Ayah cakap rilek je makan nasik goreng dengan ayam peri peri?

Umi: Did he tell you that? Ooo he lied to me theennn. Haaaa.

Me: Mana ada tipu, saja nak manja manja wife jauh ololo.

Umi: Alah ye la tu. Did you really call him? When?

Me: Yela. Semalam. Tak baca blog ka?

Umi: Got no time to read blogs la these days. Busy dengan anak anak. (cewah)

Zahid: *from afar* Umi baca blog? OMG.

Umi: Hey Umi memang baca blog la. My kids', my husband's, in fact I have my own blog but I'm not telling youuu.

OMG.

What's scarier than a mom who reads her kids' blogs and has her own but not telling youuu?

Oh, lupa. Hi Umi (:

Pps. Some of the conversations have been altered due to limited memory capacity of the blogwriter. And also to exaggerate things and make the whole thing looks more interesting hewhewhew. But jalan cerita asal lebih kurang macam tu lah.

Meanwhile tadi godek godek email lama from Ayah, jumpa ni. What a coincidence.

Syahirah's birthday last year in Miri, Sarawak, emailed by Ayah to me in KL. A year has passed, it's her birthday today, and I'm in UK while they're all in KL.

It seems like the more time we have spent, the less time we have left.

Happy Birthday Syahirah. Although we never really get along well, we're still sisters. For life. *geli

I'll love you guys for a thousand years and more.

Notes from Ayah II.

2011-11-23T15:27:00.001Z

Terpandang benda ni masa nak simpan ink printer dalam kotak stationeries.

Macam mana boleh sampai UK? Ayah punya kerja. Ayah diam diam letak dalam luggage masa packing. I wasn't involved in the packing thingy, semua Umi and Cik (my nenek) yang buat. Sekali dah sampai UK baru tengok apa yang dorang sumbat. Cili kering ikan bilis asam keping semua yang Bella tak tau pun macam mana nak guna -.-

Termasuklah CD ni. I know it's Ayah punya kerja because I remember going to the kedai buku ilmiah Islamik dekat bawah pejabat MARA. Ala yang depan cafe mahal nak mam tu. Haritu last day kat Malaysia. Malam nak fly, pagi tu kena pergi MARA sebab tertukar duit dengan sorang budak London. Kalau tak dah £950 sebulan kannn.

Lepas settle dengan bank, ikut Ayah masuk kedai buku tu. Ayah tanya, if I want anything in particular. Being me, OF COURSE LAH TAKDE :3 Oh no, I have been looking for Quran recitation with terjemahan, which memang tak pernah jumpa pun since tinggalkan sekolah agama dulu :( So sape sape yang ada MP3 sekali dengan terjemahan, please please, bagitau okay. Nak beli :'(

So back to Ayah, he asked if I want any CD ceramah or tazkirah or stuff, I said I'm fine, sebab semua tu boleh dengar online. Any buku or Mathurat or Yasin, pun takpe, sebab memang dah ada. So off we went, tak beli apa apa.

Without me knowing he actually bought this for me and 'smuggled' them inside my bag.

Which was exactly what he did 5 years back, when he left a handwritten note on a newspaper article in my groceries supply plastic bag when he and Umi came to visit me at the boarding school. Without me knowing. Bila unpack gali balik plastik biskut air kotak semua yang Umi bawak tu, baru lah jumpa nota ni.

Remember this? Ayah gave this to me 5 years back. (Read here)

Tengah touching sorang sorang, I decided to give him a call.

Me: Awat tak tidoq lagi?

Ayah: Nak tidoq la ni, dah tu phone bunyi.

Me: Had your dinner? Makan apa?

Ayah: Nasik goreng dengan ayam peri peri.

Me: Sounds good, masak ka?

Ayah: Yelah, sebelum pergi office pagi tadi defrost ayam, marinade, balik kerja goreng lah.

Me: Kesian nya dia, sorang sorang.

Ayah: Nak buat macam mana, cari rezeki untuk anak anak.

(Umi and Adam have gone back to KL since it's school holiday but Ayah is working so he's the only one left in Sarawak)

#Untungla dapat Ayah macam ni jadi ayah mentua.

(ye aku sound kau yang tengah membaca ni kehkehkeh)

On a more serious note, yes, I miss home.

Guess what? I am NOT a robot.

2011-11-21T22:44:00.001Z

Dear Medicine MBChB at University of Leicester, England, United Kingdom,

I AM NOT A ROBOT.

"And so is everyone else," replied Medicine MBChB at University of Leicester, England, United Kingdom.

Twins of Faith, London.

2011-11-20T19:51:00.001Z

"Be nice. Say beautiful things. If you don't have anything good to say about someone, then don't. Say nothing."

Nouman Ali Khan, Twins of Faith, November 19, 2011, London

Yes ramai gile woh :O

The pretty China doll :')

And I fall in love with Urdu nasheed and poetry almost instantly.

Oh, hello 20.11.2011 (:

Defying nature.

2011-11-17T22:19:00.001Z

Wake up at 6,

lecture from 9 to 1,

patient visit until 5,

come home for dinner,

sleep at 8,

wake up at 11,

go back to sleep at 4,

wake up again at 6.

And the cycle goes on.

Can't make up the AM/PM? Well that's the purpose.

"Tuhan buat malam untuk berehat, yang gelabah sangat nak stay up separuh mati buat apa, melawan fitrah."

Intoxicated by caffeine, panda eyes, mood swings, unhealthy adrenaline rush,

HORRIBLE COMPLEXION.

Mungkin malam ni patut kembali ke fitrah yang asal.

Meet Abu, makhluk comel Nottingham.

Notts Games.

2011-11-17T00:03:00.001Z

Due to kemalasan untuk pilih, resize and upload lebih 500 gambar, maka video ini menjadi sasaran.

But maybe sebab the video itself so nak letak jugak kat sini.

Ihik ihik.

Dear future husband;

2011-11-15T19:44:00.001Z

My very first self-made curry after existing for 21 years 5 months and 15 days in this universe.

Loves,
Your future wife.

I am so Desperately Awful at Maths, Not Exactly Decrepit. DAMNED.

2011-11-11T23:48:00.000Z

11/11/11

Situasi 1

XY: Bella, kau kenal Senior A?
XX: Tak.
XY: Senior P and Q? Kembar tu. Dorang famous kot.
XX: Tak.
XY: Oh tak pun Senior M, dia pandai gila main bola. Star dowh.
XX: Tak.
XY: Habis tu sape je yang kau kenal kat Leicester ni Bella?
XX: Aku takde hal dengan orang, so aku pun tak make effort nak kenal orang.
XY: Tapi kau kenal la senior3 perempuan?
XX: Kenal je. Perempuan. Takkan tak kenal kot.
XY: Tapi senior senior tadi kenal kau kot.
XX: So? Biar la dorang kenal aku. Kita first year kot of course la senang nak detect. Dah la batch kita je fresher tahun ni. DUHH.
XY: Tapi salah ke kalau orang nak kenal kau? And kau kenal orang?
XX: Tak salah. Cuma aku memang takde hal dengan dorang so buat apa gelabah nak kenal.
XY: .. *muka tak puas hati gila*
XX: FINE LA. Aku tau kita kat Leicester ni berapa sen je Malaysian. Aku tau aku tak cukup effort nak kenal orang. Ugh. Yela yela nanti aku kenal la dorang.

Entah bila nak kenal dorang pun tak tau.

Situasi 2

XX: Kau kenal N? (tunjuk Facebook friend request)
XY: Kenal, batch aku. Tapi takde lah rapat sangat. Dia add kau ke?
XX: Haah. Tengok lah nanti accept ke tak. Nanti lah.
XY: Sama KMB kot? Perlu ke bagi masa nak accept ke tak? Accept je la.
XX: Aku tak kenal dorang kot. Perlu ke accept?
XY: So kau memang tak pernah accept request junior yang kau tak kenal la?
XX: Tak jugak. Ramai je aku accept. Agak agak rasa nak accept, aku accept la. Ikut mood. Takde selection bias ke apa.
XY: BELLAAA?? *muka tak puas hati lagi*
XX: Okay fine. Kalau aku add senior pun aku harap dorang accept aku so nanti lah aku accept dorang.

And sampai sekarang tak accept accept lagi.

"dan Dia (Allah) yang mempersatukan hati mereka (orang yang beriman). Walaupun kamu menginfakkan semua (kekayaan) yang berada di bumi, nescaya kamu tidak dapat mempersatukan hati mereka, tetapi Allah telah mempersatukan hati mereka. Sungguh Dia Mahaperkasa, Mahabijaksana. "

Al-Anfal, 8:63

“Tidak sempurna iman seseorang itu selagi dia tidak mengasihi saudaranya sebagaimana ia mengasihi dirinya sendiri.”

Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim

Let's Discover Leicester, October 9, 2011

University of Leicester

No news is good news.

2011-11-09T21:59:00.003Z

I've started eating. Like mad. Again.

Dan semakin narcissist dari hari ke hari.

Sementara masih belum gemuk. Maafkanlah.

Ps. Gambar ditukar atas dasar ke-narcissist-an melampau sebelum ini.
Kalau ye pun nak letak gambar besar besar jangan nak close up sangat boleh?

Pawa pawa pawadiseeee.

2011-11-08T20:06:00.002Z

And this is going to be one hell of a narcissistic post.

Gambar Salam Perantauan kena reject dengan Berita Harian

And then they ask; "Ramai ni je ke Malaysian kat Leicester?" T_T

Intan, Bella, Hannah, Puteri

Some of the first years (easily recognised by the jakun-ness)

Yes people, we are still in autumn!

The Dubliner

KMB 08/10 Lyn, Nabilah, Bella, Syarah, Haifaa, AJ

The Dubliner (again)

Tengah tengah; Kak Dina yang super best! :')

Autumn

The gila comel Kak Hana

And life is but a drying leaf in fall

Polka polkapple

Iklan: Saja nak bagitau I dah download satu album Mylo Xyloto ni ihiks.

Define your own happiness.

2011-11-03T14:18:00.000Z

Rasa terpanggil untuk cakap pasal something that me myself sampai sekarang tak boleh nak define.

Bahagia.

Sebab lately rasa macam sangat bahagia. Complete. Rasa bersyukur sangat. Many beautiful things happened.

Tapi.

Atas siapa kita letak kebahagiaan tu?

Why exactly do I feel this way?

Tadi on the way balik dari kelas, cakap dengan Intan, how do define happiness. In fact dah banyak kali pun Intan cakap, define your own happiness. And Ayah selalu bagitau, you are what you choose to be. You can be sad over something, or learn the lesson from it.

Tapi boleh ke choose not to be sad?

Macam tak je.

If so, can we choose to be happy over the sadness?

I guess that's much easier than denying the sadness. Kot.

Atas siapa kita sandarkan kebahagiaan kita? Kebergantungan kita?

Mungkin ada yang define happiness over having good grades and stuff, tapi kalau sekali result tak macam yang kita expect, is it the end of the world?

Atau mungkin ada yang define happiness by being rich, banyak duit kaya raya segala, tapi kalau memang spending habit macam anak raja all this while, is it even happiness?

Entah.

Worse, kalau letak kebahagiaan atas manusia.

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out." Breathe, Taylor Swift

What if they let us down? Kita bukan boleh control pun apa yang diorang buat. What if they let us down because of what we did? Then who do we point to?

Susah sangat ke nak bahagia ni?

(okay baru perasan banyak sangat tanda soal dari tadi lagi)

Bahagia ialah balik dari kelas separuh hari boleh solat Zuhur kat rumah and tertidur sambil tunggu Asar. Tak jugak, the peak of bahagia in that sense ialah lepas je bagi salam kedua. Tarik nafas panjang panjang and terus, sigh. Alhamdulillah, selesai satu benda. Nak nak dekat dekat winter ni Asar masuk awal pukul 2 belum apa apa lagi dah Asar.

Tapi lepas tu terfikir, alamak, nak lunch apa harini. Oh, petang ni nak pergi tolong orang masak kat rumah dia. Eh rambut dah dua hari tak syampu kena mandi la nanti, tapi sejuk gila. Lepas tu tadi balik kelas hujan, so coat tudung semua yang kena hujan tadi kena sidai pulak, penuh la bilik nanti. Paling best, sekarang dah menguap mulut besar gila katil pulak mega inviting, alahai. Kalau tidur karang semua benda tak jadi.

Bahagia lepas solat Zuhur tadi terus lupa entah ke mana.

Alahai Bella, pendeknya fikir pasal bahagia. Cubalah pandang jauh sikit. Ini tak. Analogi bahagia sama dengan duduk atas sejadah lepas Zuhur pakai telekung tunggu Asar.

Sambil tengok awan gerak laju laju kat luar through tingkap.

Atau.

Mungkin kebahagiaan itu ialah bersyukur dengan apa yang ada.

Dan apa yang ada itu termasuklah saat ini, nafas ini, waktu ini, detik ini, dan semua segala yang ada di dalamnya.

Dan berkongsi kebahagiaan dengan orang lain, sambil saling mengingatkan sesama sendiri, kebahagiaan yang mutlak itu datang dari Allah.

This could be salah satu faktor bahagia, mungkin?

False past, true present, ambitious dream.

2011-11-01T01:25:00.000Z

Despite all that, I still love you.

Challenge accepted.

2011-10-31T14:48:00.004Z

Remember this?

Well..

Hello winter!

2011-10-30T00:26:00.001+01:00

Scary much, no?

You can break everything down to chemicals; but you can't explain the love like ours.

2011-10-25T00:36:00.003+01:00

“When you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth.”
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care

Baru fun.

2011-10-24T07:57:00.002+01:00

Gtalk with Ayah. Punya lah mengada tak habis habis tanya bila nak datang.

Lepas tu siap menjawab lagi at the bed side can? Haish Nabilah ni.

Tapi takpe.

Baru fun.

So you think you've got problems?

2011-10-23T08:16:00.001+01:00

In the midst of of studying Homeostasis when I saw someone posted this on Facebook.

Couldn't help but shed a tear. Sunday morning and crying? Woah not bad, Bella.

I've been through both. Ditinggalkan dan meninggalkan. Once, I was all alone in Malaysia when all my friends found their way abroad, UK, Ireland, India, Australia and such. Now here I am, in the UK, which sadly, not less alone than I was.

And I'm the one who left.

A friend back in Malaysia once said to me, "Jangan nak sedih sangat lah nak fly, kau yang pergi, kau yang tinggalkan orang, kau takkan rasa sebab kau start new. Excited. Tapi orang yang kena tinggal ni lah yang rasa sakitnya hilang kawan."

Trust me friend, I've been there.

Tapi korang tau tak yang aku kat sini pun tak kurang sakitnya?

Same old issue, I'm not into Medicine. A year of brain dormancy before starting to do things you're not looking forward to isn't helping much. New place, new people, new culture, new WEATHER. Kau ingat best ke?

And with what happened recently (well not so recent, but it seems like yesterday to me), lagilah sedih. It's something you can't help but be sad all the time. It's at the back of your mind, 24/7. You seem fine on the outside, but inside, you're crying. Constantly. You laugh while telling others how "fine"you are, but deep inside, you just want to cry. To the right person.

Ya Allah, sedih yang macam, "Please lah, I've had enough. Taknak dah." Tapi sedih jugak.

Then there comes the weather. Belum winter pun lagi, tapi sejuk dah macam menggigil sampai taknak keluar duvet. Kadang kadang tu bukan malas study sangat pun, tapi sebab sejuk sangat terus shut down. Tambah pulak dengan tak minat subjek, lagi lah. Horror I'm telling you.

Tapi apa yang orang nampak? Wahhhh seronoknya study UK. Negara orang, sejuk, best, nanti ada snow.

Hewhewhew.

(okay I know that hewhewhew is annoying and has nothing to do with the above statements whatsoever, but, whatever)

Sometimes, we need to be reminded on how fortunate we are. Kita nampak orang macam okay je, macam best je, but inside, who knows. Takde orang tau. Kalau la kita tau masalah orang, perasaan orang, would we still feel the same about ourselves?

“Don't be jealous of anyone. I guarantee you, if everyone walked into a room, and dumped their problems onto the floor, when they saw what everyone else's problems were, they'd be scrambling to get their own problems back before someone else got to them first.”

― Kim Gruenenfelder, A Total Waste of Makeup

The other day my lecturer said, "You never know how people love to talk about themselves until you give them the chance to."

Mungkin kita patut kurangkan bercakap pasal diri sendiri, and care more about others instead. Ask them how they're doing and such. Rather than cari orang untuk men-dump-kan masalah and kesedihan diri yang entah sampai bila tak habis. Dah la benda sama all the time. Slow learner (again)?

Quoting a friend, "Kau nak menyusahkan siapa lagi kalau bukan best friend kau?"

Tapi kan Bella, masa kau "susah"kan best friend kau tu, kau tau tak kalau kalau dia lagi "susah" dari kau?

*** so much of a Sunday morning ..

A month in the UK.

2011-10-22T13:21:00.002+01:00

I have a thing towards matching stuff. HUGE thing.

Why I bought Phye despite the slightly above the top price? No it's not the Wifi function, nor the printing speed whatsoever. It's simply because Phye is too sleek and sexy to be resisted (no, seriously I mean this) and it's a Canon. And everyone knows my EOS 550D is a Canon too. (I'm thinking of changing his name to Ken rather than Eric, but we'll see) And it's black! So there goes, two black Canons on my black wooden shelf.

Then looking back when I was still in Malaysia, I got myself a hard drive, Seagate, in silver. Why silver? Because of my Mac. It's silver and they look as if they come automagically in package. Smart, huh?

Even the casing has to be in silver too.

The other day, I bought a Nike sports tote just because it's black and pink, and it matches my Nike backpack perfectly. I'm not sure if I'm gonna need the tote bag so desperately, but heck, it matches well. So.. There goes my pounds T______________T

And these two make a perfect match, though I'm not sure if I'll need them both at the same time -.-

Later I bought myself a new bedsheet (which is really really unnecessary) in black. Yes, pure solid black. Why? Because my bookshelf is black, so is the chair I bought from Argos. So the bed HAS to be in black. The fact that it's brown annoys me. So I decided to get over it, and just buy another one.

Thing is, my fleece throw is actually in brown leopard print.

Now I'm annoyed. Again.

...

But last night was Friday night, and I was having ultimate fun with Nad. No, not 'that' kind of fun. Just you know, strolling around the town at night, having coffee, going in and out of shops without buying anything.. Things that we, girls do.

So I got myself a pair of new gloves, which the colour doesn't seem like me, but it's warm and it has got the 'hood'. So in love!

Jari gemuk gemuk.

Then we went to Apple Store at Highcross to get my iPod cleaned. Too bad they said the scratches and marks couldn't be removed, they leave some sort of permanent stain on the iPod. My heart sank like gila, especially when the iPod has been in its casing for a long time, and it's the case that actually leaves the mark. Sumpah sedih gila woh.

It's more obvious and heartbreaking in real life, trust me.

There are not much of scratches, but the marks are like, some kulapuk berkulat whatever on the steel. Funny right? No one could explain why. But then this little fella also got a new home, for free! See the transparent hard plastic case? It's a bit chipped off at the side, and it was the last one at the stall. So the stall keeper just decided to give it to me for free. Like seriously, FREE OF CHARGE. No other purchase, NOTHING. He's a Muslim, originally from Pakistan, and has been wanting to go to Malaysia for ages! I could see he's having a hard time in Leicester, but well, I pray that Allah eases his way to whatever he wishes in life.

So here goes, the iPod in new (hopefully stain-free) case.

Not so flattering with the scratches and all, but at least it won't stain even more.

And early this morning I received my Railcard via mail. Applied online couple of days ago and tadaa, it'se here!

Muka macam hewhewhew.

On another note, I find it hard to actually sit and study and churn all the facts in my medical books. Seriously, dah la memang tak minat :( But again, may Allah grant me strength to keep going.

I know the road is long, make me strong!

Motivation.

2011-10-20T22:49:00.001+01:00

Gambar sekadar hiasan.

Notes from Ayah.

2011-10-19T05:48:00.000+01:00

This was dated 5 years back, and I still have it safe with me.

You wait for who? Say it again. It is you you are waiting for. Nobody else. Be clear on that.

Nothing can hurt me without my consent.

Ayah, October 17th 2011, on some random social network

Ps. On a more random note, look how time changes everything. Five years back, he was writing notes on a piece of newspaper article, perfectly signed. Now there's this thing we call copy-paste. Sentimental value, anyone?

Big girls don't cry.

2011-10-17T01:00:00.001+01:00

Harini, kite buat orang menangis.

Kite rase kite cakap macam biase biase je, tapi die terase, maybe sebab mase tu die memang tengah low and sensitif kot, so mudah sangat terase, and terus menangis.

Kite panik gile time tu.

Yela, mane tak nye, tibe tibe je buat orang menangis, tak sengaje pulak tu.

Cuak gile.

And rase bersalah nak mati.

Lepas mintak maaf cakap elok elok sume, Alhamdulillah sume okay balik.

Tapi lagi sedih bile lepas kite balik rumah, kite tau something yang buat kite menangis pulak.

Tapi lagi, this time orang yang buat kite menangis tu tak mintak maaf pun.

In fact kite rase die tak tau pun kite menangis sebab die.

Of course la kan?

Sebab kite menangis sorang sorang je, macam mane orang lain nak tau.

Lepas tu kite terfikir, agak agak die rase bersalah tak buat kite menangis.

Tapi kan.

Mungkin die lupe kot.

Don't give up on me just yet.

2011-10-13T08:26:00.000+01:00

I don't expect you to accept me for who I was,

but I hope you'll accept me for who I am.

I used to be lovedrunk, but now I'm hangover.

2011-10-12T16:00:00.001+01:00

So you've all met Phye, the sexiest gorgeous mind-blowing printer. (LOOOOOOOOL)

Well last night I caught a glimpse of Phye flirting playing eye-trick on the dark and handsome Eric.

And it struck me that these two could be the sexiest couple on Earth, the perfect two. Fight-free, guaranteed. Memang ngam ngam. Confirm tak kan gaduh sampai mati.

So people, meet Eric.

Dark and handsome, kan? Not to forget, macho. And very the gentleman he won't argue to whatever you say. A very good listener. No, seriously.

And they make such a beautiful pair. Awwhhh NANGES :')

Alright that's it. I think I make myself look like an idiot trying to crack some silly joke which obviously isn't working since me myself can't think of anything funny in it. So, well, you know, forget it.

Meanwhile.. Everyone loves pictures. So here goes, a hangover at Nottingham.

Nottingham Train Station

Bus Station

Yes, sampai sampai spot ni dulu. Home :')

The hangover; Haifaa, Bedah (tuan rumah ya'aww), Syarah, AJ, Lyn

Back in Leicester we have The Clock Tower, here, whatever building landmark it is.

Under my umbrella, eh eh. -_-

Whittard, the famous coffee/tea shop in Nottingham.

The medical student tea.

Later at Red Hot, halal all-you-can-eat buffet for £7.50. Okay orang Ireland sila jealous.

Reminds me of Haagen Dasz's fondue :')

Self-made. Tak berapa nak Haagen Dasz sangat lah.

Red Hot Nottingham - must eat place!

Some vintage shop. WANTTTT.

And each bag costs around £60. Fine lah.

Main target, Goose Fair! Tram stop - The Forest.

While still sober.

Aerial view, taken while riding the swing and Lyn was screaming like mad next to me :D

And the highlight was..

The bungee ride!

Okay excited.

Now dah cuak.

And there goes!

To infinity and beyond! (walhal kena lambung kat situ jugak je pun)

The boyfriend who got his girlfriend a super huge teddy bear by a fair win. Dreamy much, no?

Nottingham's Goose Fair, October 8th, 2011. Okay kenapa perlu highlight date?

Why do I say hangover? Because after the last ride everyone went like, TAKNAK DAHHHH. And sumpah mabuk gila. I have always loved height and speed. The thrill excites me like mad! But slow, dizzying rides really annoy me. TAK SUKA. Macam swing yang kat Genting Highlands tu. Serius tak cool okay. It turned out the last ride which supposedly would be 'safe' (dalam erti kata Lyn AJ Bedah and Syarah), was a disaster! Pening gila nak mati and I was like, okay, get me out of this. So finally we left Goose Fair and headed for some coffee at Costa before heading home, Leicester.

See you at Nott's game people!

The rebound guy. (or girl)

2011-10-10T23:53:00.003+01:00

Meet Phye, the sexiest printer on Earth.

And her first love note.

Did you forget?

2011-10-08T00:52:00.000+01:00

October 8th, 2009

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong

Our love is like a song

But you won't sing along

Cause you've forgotten,

about us.

Don't Forget, Demi Lovato.

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.

2011-10-06T23:35:00.002+01:00

I found this somewhat amazing. It touches me to the core, makes me reflect on the life I have been living.

All this while, perasan atau tak, I have always taken the easy way out. When I'm upset over something, I let it pass. When I'm scared to find out the truth, I pretend not to care. When I don't have the answer to something, I leave the question hanging. And when I don't quite like how things turn out to be now, I leave the past that has been shaping the present.

Easy. Way. Out.

And pretend like it's not there. Not at all. No traces. Nothing.

That explains why I chose to hide all my previous entries when something came up some time ago. I was running away from reality. From the past. From the life I was having.

Little did I realize, by doing that, I was actually shunning a huge part of myself. My true own self.

Konon nak move on, tapi hakikatnya? Macam menafikan sesuatu yang pernah kau ada. Menafikan sesuatu yang bukan setakat milik kau, tapi memang sebahagian daripada diri kau sendiri.

The past. And that includes myself.

Kau buat reflection segala bagai, trying hard to appear strong, but deep inside? You're still holding on. Berpegang kepada sesuatu yang kau pun tak pasti. Tujuan hide semua entry dulu? Sebab nak move on, tak nak dah fikir apa yang pernah jadi dulu.

Tapi pernah tak terfikir, apa yang kau belajar daripada semua tu? All the memories, the sadness, the pain, the moments. They are the ones that have been building you up all this while.

And good times? Kenapa nak lari daripada semua tu? They are meant to be treasured. They might never happen again, so cherish whatever you had. Of course, sometimes they're not very pleasant to think of, especially knowing that it might not happen again. Tapi..

Perlu ke sampai deny yang semua tu pernah terjadi?

I don't do regrets. I learn from someone, never regret. Because at one point, that's what you really wanted. Until it becomes no longer yours.

And once it is no longer yours, do you really have to act like it never happened in the first place?

Seriously Steve Jobs video had me thinking hard on how I have been treating my past all this while.

I shun them.

Dan lupa. Lupa dengan apa yang pernah berlaku. Lupa dengan silap diri sendiri. Mungkin terlalu berpegang dengan idea buat apa tengok belakang, it won't do you any good. And once I leave, I never look back. That was me. WAS.

Sebab sekarang baru sedar, betapa pentingnya reflect diri sendiri, dan tak lari dari kenyataan hidup. 21 years of living, and only know I realize. Slow learner betul.

Don't deny your past, Bella. Don't shun them. Live with them. They somehow have been building you up, moulding you into who you are now. They are a part of you. Denying them means denying yourself, who you used to be. It's unfair for those who existed in your life back then. It's unfair to yourself, your present self.

The more in denial you are, the harder you'll learn to accept. Worse, the harder it is for you to learn from the mistakes you did.

I'm trying to go easy on myself. Be more flexible, more considerate to myself. And because of that, I am publishing all my previous entries again. Some of them might not be relevant now, some of them might hurt to the core, but they're the ones that I have been living with.

I shall not be scared of memories. They are, somewhat, my treasure. My precious.

In memories of Steve Jobs, 1955-2011;

Keep looking, don't settle.

An odd match.

2011-10-06T00:02:00.001+01:00

A white kebaya and a ginger biscuit to start the week.

"You're not worth the pain."

2011-10-04T18:06:00.001+01:00

Kau okay tak? Aku takut. Kau nampak.. Macam bukan kau. Tak normal. Aku tau macam mana kau go through benda ni dulu, so aku tau bila kau sedih. Tapi sekarang..

Aku terlampau sedih sampai aku numb. As if there's nothing left of me. It's like, you're crushed to the very bit you don't even know what to feel. Sedih yang sampai at one point kau rasa macam, there goes..

There goes everything.

2011-10-01T00:19:00.000+01:00

Happy 21st birthday to the one I love, the one I truly love, the one and only I could have loved.

"My love for you is blind, that I couldn't make you see it."

Blind, Lifehouse

The third day of my medical career.

2011-09-29T08:04:00.002+01:00

Semalam.. Hari gembira.

It all started when I called Yana and she was like, SPEECHLESS when she heard my voice, and I was like, NAK NANGES when I heard hers. We both were like, FINALLY.. For some, this might be nothing big, but for us, to be in the same time zone again, in fact, the same country, means more than anyone could think. She rang back realizing that she could better make use of her free calls rather than draining my credit. Even when I was back in Malaysia, she called from time to time, just to check on me since she hardly went online on Skype and I didn't have my FB back then. The call lasted for almost an hour and she kept on asking, macamana nak pergi Leicester, naik bas ke train ke. And I was like, Leicester takde pape, dia kecik je and everything within walking distance. But what touched me the most was, "Bella dah kat sini, makin ramai la orang kat sini, SUKAAA! And mestilah pergi Leicester at least sekali, Leicester kot." Paling tak tahan bila dia cakap, "Nanti nak tanya B macamana nak pergi Leicester, tak pun nak ikut je dia." HAHA :D B is actually someone in Newcastle whose girlfriend is in Leicester. Cute much, no? Yana Yana :')

Then Izleen buzzed on Skype, after aaaaaages of MIA since there's no Internet at her place. Apa lagi. Spill lah. We both have like, GAZILLIONS of things to spill, and we kept on rambling Skyping til I became veeeery sleepy that I decided to go to bed. And as usual, macam biasalah kalau Skype dengan Leen, gelak macam hantu, then menangis macam orang gila, lepas tu masing masing stare at each other tak cakap apa apa. Yang kelakar is bila dia happy, and I was feeling pretty low, and she kept asking, takpe ke. As if takpe ke kalau dia bahagia masa I tengah down. Haha comel gila. Well you can't stop someone from being happy when they deserve it just because you're not, kan? I am happy for her. NANGES.

The day went pretty much as usual. The lectures, group work and such. But it ended at 1 and my group decided not to continue with discussion at 2! Now how awesome is that? So basically after 1, we were free to go. I headed home alone, bawak all the handbooks berat gila but I was feeling extremely jovial that I sang along while walking. Ya Allah, semalam sangat bahagia. Syukurrr.

And have I mentioned how bright and sunny yesterday was?

"It's exceptionally warm and sunny today, right?" Dr. Hales while greeting me at the hallway in the morning.

Later in the afternoon around 2 something, I went to town alone. This time snapping pictures here and there, going to meet Nad and Faizul to open a bank account.

Alone. And I have never felt this free and easy.

And I managed not to sesat at all! Wow, satu pencapaian Bella dan jalan.

So we met at HSBC, and it took merely half an hour during the whole account opening thing and wallaaa, I'm done! The bank officer was very pleasant and he kept on saying how Malaysia is in his list of countries. Tak tau kalau dia just nak ambil hati ke apa, but surely, that made my day more than ever.

I just love the day.

Then while waiting for Nad and Faizul at Lloyds, I took my solitary walk, jalan sorang3 masuk all the kedai and everything, and finally Primark. Got myself a pair of a not so cantik selipar rumah, but very comfy, and again, they made me happy.

Lepas jumpa Nad and Faizul, we went everywhere we could, randomly entering stores and all. We went to Pound Stretcher, Argos and many other kedai, especially the Pound World, Pound Land and such where everything is one pound. Haha what a cheapskate!

And we walked home feeling extremely penat but satisfied an all of us agreed, the day was a happy day.

Alhamdulillah.

Jarrom Street, where my second home is.

Falls

LRI - Leicester Royal Infirmary

Town

Clock Tower

HSBC

Ecstasy

Sounds familiar, anyone?

H&M and Primark

Inside Primark

Nad and Faizul

Jason Mraz in town

Argos, household heaven

T-Mobile, O2, Orange, Vodafone, Three, they're all dekat dekat. Rivals.

Poundland where everything is 1 pound

Bella?

Look!

Self-portrait in the mirror! *proud* 8)

Orang orang berjasa tolong angkat barang. Thanks korang :')

Beautiful disaster

Simple things make me happy - door hook from Argos

Phase 1 Handbook o.O

Happiness factor - I finally got myself a mirror!

And lastly..

A leopard-print 'throw'. It matches the duvet perfectly. Complete happiness!

Coming back from town, someone said something on Facebook which made my heart leapt to cloud nine. Rasa macam, nak nangis there and then. It's not like, gembira yang ecstatic. It's more like, THANK YOUUUU, you really made my day. And I feel loved. Especially now when things are very rough and the uncertainties are killing me to bits.

Harus kuat!

Thank you Allah for this amazing life I have. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

The Currentsi-nger.

2011-09-28T02:11:00.001+01:00

Go Ireland and she'll be Ke€ha.

First day at uni.

2011-09-27T08:10:00.000+01:00

Feels like sharing this.

Lampu putih beli kat Argos. Bulb bawak dari Malaysia hoyeayeah. Duvet asal rumah ni.

Lampu bilik asal (kat siling). I orang Melayu, lampu kuning mengantuk lew nanti.

Semangat first day registration kat uni dengan seniors (lah sangat) AJ and Lyn.

Awan ~~nano~~ Leicester.

The best thing about the first day was.. The PRANK! Yeah they actually played a prank on us, the first year Medics! On the last talk, there was this one lecturer giving us a lecture on Emergency Medicine. Yeah, dengar pun macam dah, APAKAH? I went in around 7 minutes late sebab berlari larian kejar surau ~~last sekali miss jugak~~ -_-, me and Intan. Masuk masuk je semua muka serius, pegang pen menulis segala. And that's in Lecture Theater 2 (LT2)! LT2 is where the lecturer is played live on screen, while LT1 is where the lecturer really is. So kerja kerja point orang semua kat LT1 lah. In a way, we were safe. But still, lecturer can still see us in LT2 through webcam.

So this bitchy little lecturer was rambling on Emergency Medicine, playing slides with alien terms in them and asking questions to the students in LT1. She kept on making sarcastic remarks like, "Let see if your brain matches your look" and such, demanding on more people to answer her questions. Thing was, there were actually students who raised up their hands and and answered! Sometimes she's right, true, but not enough yadda yadda. And at times she just pointed to random people. CUAK GILA WEH. And whenever the pointed student answered correctly, giving us scary terms, we were like, HOW ON EARTH DOES S/HE KNOW THAT? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT AS WELL? Even us in LT2 kept exchanging weird glances. And the lecturer was like, YOU ARE FIRST YEAR MEDICS, COME ON!

Cuak gila nak mati serius tak tipu.

And finally..

Every freaking student who spoke and gave answers in the lecture was acting!

And here goes, our bitchy annoying little lecturer. Damn she's good.

First day at uni. What a day.

From KLIA to Heathrow.

2011-09-26T07:20:00.001+01:00

So here I am, in Leicester, United Kingdom, negara yang diidam-idamkan sejak dulu tanpa diketahui sebabnya =.=

While many others complained about their flights, I had a wonder 13-hour journey, starting from KLIA itself. My cargo luggage weighed 32.9kg, my cabin luggage was 12kg while my backpack was killing me with its 6kg fillings. Do the Maths. I was like, carrying the whole lot of my room in Malaysia to UK. Most of them were stationeries. They alone weighed around 8kg. Okay okay jangan tanya I pun tak tauapa yang berat sangat sampai 8kg tu. But hey, they make me happy. And you can't leave something that makes you feel safe and happy, right? Better yet, they don't yell back at you, they don't argue, and they let you do things to them unconditionally. There goes, your lifetime companion - stationeries and art tools.

A bit of a trick, if your luggage weighs heavier than it is supposed to, do check-in early. Sometimes they allow few kg extras, if you're lucky. I checked in a bit later, and had to argue pompangpompang so that they could let my luggage in. Not good.

But good thing they don't timbang your cabin bag, so bring as banyak and berat as you can manage, and when I say MANAGE, yes, mana yang mampu. Jangan semangat sumbat semua in the end terkial kial gelabah nak bawak beg mana satu.

I didn't cry at the airport. Not a single tear. I don't know why. I couldn't feel a thing. Not excited, not sad, and nothing to look forward too. Now that's a very sad case. So adik adik yang nak fly, please please, at least feel something before you take off. Because not feeling anything is not a good sign, and not fun either.

I got an aisle seat in the aircraft, 31H. But I hate aisle seat so much because you have to sit right next to people lalu lalang, even the cabin crews, which annoys me like gila. So I switched with Nad, she took the aisle seat while I took the middle seat, which still, tak puas hati sebab I want the window seat so that I could avoid people. But then, Nad is a fun person to be with, so I had fun.

There's this inflight supervisor, Mr. Lim who randomly talked to us while jalan jalan dalam flight like a boss. And he found me interesting. Yes, INTERESTING. I guess I was menyampuk banyak sangat and I was really annoying to him that he kept on dropping by at our seat just to menyakat us. Well, he started flying even before I was born, so.. Tak berapa muda, although quite good looking. Damn lupa nak tanya if he has a son =.=

Him: So you're doing Medicine, what do you plan to major in?

Me: I haven't thought about it yet. Let's see how the demand goes first.

Him: Smart move. I think you should do psychiatric.

Me: Really? Okay I'll take that into consideration.

Him: Wait a second, I think instead of Medicine, you should be doing Law. You'll make a very good lawyer.

Me: *buat buat terkejut* Really? And why is that?

Him: Nowadays it's very hard to find someone to have a nice fun conversation with. Especially younger ones. Most of them don't know what to talk about. And they don't really reply. But I find you very interesting.

Me: Well, thank you, I take that as a compliment. But talk about the weather, why not? Safe topic. It's universal. Anyone can talk weather.

Him: You just went from fun to boring. *walked away*

I'm used to random strangers giving such remarks. You should do Law. Ever considered doing Law? You talk too much that you'll be a good lawyer. Yadda yadda.

And by that, I mean ultimate random stranger. Belum masuk teachers, families, friends lagi.

Okay enough on Law, I'm here in Leicester, jap lagi kena register kat School of Medicine. So... Shush!

This is a very long post I know. But I'm in dire need to distract myself from some extreme emotional turbulence, which has nothing to do with being abroad rather than home.

But for now.. Here goes..

Orang orang Leicester, Heathrow Airport, London, United Kingdom

2011-09-26T02:18:00.000+01:00

In life, we meet a lot of people. Some of them we know well, many of them we dont. And most of these people, we think we know them, when the fact is we dont.

To survive, we give and take. We make friends. We build a life out of these people. Family are those who we cant choose. But friends are those people we decide to take them in and be a part of our life.

And sometimes, we even have a person that we call our 'life'.

Our world.

And to this one particular person, we still give and take. But since they are our LIFE, we make more room for them than the rest. They occupy the largest space in our life, in our heart. Wider, deeper space. Sometimes the room is even bigger than ours. Which, logically, left us with little room for our own mistake, and plenty for theirs.

Not only mistakes. Everything. We could deny our own right to be happy for them. We could apologize for things that are not even our fault, even if deep down we still feel otherwise. We keep on giving, keep on making room for this one person. They are, after all, our life, no?

But people.. Are different. One's capability to give might be different from another. As much as we'd like to think so, there's never a 50-50 in this room of heart thing. Someone would always give someone else more. Someone would always have higher tolerance, more consideration than the other.

One could snap, and the other person might be the one holding the rope, hanging on, trying to make things better. When all that's left are just uncertainties, we could still hold on. It's amazing how much a heart can take before it breaks.

But you cant play on broken strings.

Once it's broken, it wont be the same. Take a paper, crumple it. And lay it flat once again. It's still whole, but it's not the same clean sheet of paper again. The scars remain. See, that's our heart. Worse, if it's a soft thin sheet of paper. Once it's crumpled, it might just be torn. Into pieces that become a puzzle that just wont fit together.

Bella has updated her current city to Leicester, United Kingdom.

2011-09-25T05:30:00.001+01:00

Sejuk gila.

Hi, my name is Bella.

2011-09-20T18:12:00.000+01:00

And I'm feeling pretty (:

Cinta ini.

2011-09-20T00:26:00.001+01:00

Life is all about choices.

And choices are supposed to change your life.

When you have decided, you haven't really forgotten the road not taken.

Neither have you moved on.

You just..

Wonder.

What could have happened if you have decided differently.

And not knowing hurts.

More than bitter truth.

Wall of heart.

2011-09-18T16:11:00.001+01:00

Feeling strong and acting like one are two very different things.

And not easy either.

But too much hurt will make you immune.

Hurt-tolerance.

And that's a good thing, right?

Sometimes it lasts in love. Sometimes it hurts instead.

2011-09-15T02:58:00.001+01:00

“Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside. One moment, you'd start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or to vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right anymore; the next, you could not remember the digits of her phone number.”
― Jodi Picoult

"Nevermind I'll find someone like you." --- Adele

Heartbreak warfare.

2011-09-14T02:00:00.005+01:00

Kan dah cakap.

I write. You read.

And don't ever question what I write here.

Go. Have. Your. Own. Blog. Then.

~~Fuck~~ Thank you.

I've had enough. Anything that's best (:

2011-09-14T00:29:00.000+01:00

iMazed - An iPod iCeption.

2011-09-12T18:39:00.000+01:00

Terus nak cari lagi 2 iPod laju laju.

Blogger App for iOS.

2011-09-12T11:41:00.001+01:00

Hehehohohuihueheee. Jakun gila.

The escapism.

2011-09-11T15:00:00.000+01:00

es·cap·ism/iˈskāpizəm/

Noun: The tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, esp. by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

The escapist

I wish you're here. But you're not. You're there. And there doesn't know how lucky it is.

2011-09-10T06:51:00.000+01:00

Okay semorang. Start harini dah boleh stop belajar mengira. The countdown ends today yeay! *clap clap*

=______________________=

No I'm still in Malaysia. Safe and sound. As sleepy as ever (wadde?). But yeah. Well, it's 10 September already. And Adam has left this morning. Leaving me crying my heart out wailing wanting him to come back desperately.

Kiddin.

No I'm not sad. Tak sedih pun. Pelik kan? Semangat post down under gila sebelum ni, emo emo segala bagai, on the day itself, tak rasa apa apa.

Numb.

Watching him leave, I was just like, okay. Take care, be safe. Dah. Itu je. Last year he was standing right before me and we were staring at each other as if we were holding on to something, not willing to let go. This time, takde private moments pun (lol). He salam salam everyone, then looked at me, then turun bawah. Kalau last year masa turun escalator tu I could read his lips syncing "I love you", just now he went down straight tak pusing belakang langsung. Wawawahh sudah tough sekarang ye. Haha.

Point is, tak rasa apa apa pun. Numb.

I didn't cry at all while sending him off last year. Well his mom caught me off guard with a picture of myself holding back the tears mata berkaca kaca (cewah), but no, I managed to tahan and not shed a single tear. Hebat kan? Hoho truth is, I cried a gazillion times before the date itself. So when the day has arrived, it's like, well, my tears were all dried up, and I was prepared for it (kononnya). Another thing, maybe back then I didn't know how my future was going to be like, everything was uncertain. So marilah menangis combo Adam fly plus masa depan yang tak menentu.

This time.. Alhamdulillah. We had beautiful days before he left, and I already have my flight date and.. I tak packing langsung lagi! (bukan faktor gembira) Orang tanya, so dah beli barang barang start pack sikit sikit dah? Bella dengan yakinnya menjawab, NAK BELI APA? Dan selalunya orang yang bertanya itu akan jawab, err, aah ek? Gotcha! (lol)

Entry macam gembira tapi.. Entahlah. Numb. Kemudian terfikir. Well lepas ni dah taktau nak randomly text siapa dah. Kalau dulu sampai rumah balik dari mana mana, terus text "Hoomeeeee!" Tak pun kalau terlepas LRT satu station terus text dia "Well terlepas satu station LRT lepas tu kena patah balik is SO NOT COOL." Walhal memang dah tau dia tak reply pun sebab confirm sure fire tengah berdengkur lagi. Bella semua benda pun nak report. Kadang kadang baru bangun tidur siang mamai mamai lagi pun terus call. Apelah. Lepas ni no more. But on a more positive note, jimat kredit. Kalau tak kredit macam air. Nak nak lepas ni topup dah naik harga cukai 6% (FAKIU) kan? Ha, memang sangat kena timing lah tu.

And kalau sebelum ni online tak pernah nak bukak Skype atau Oovoo sebab dia kat sini, sekarang ni haruslah. Melainkan kalau Facetime yang memang boleh call direct takpayah sign in apa apa (Izleen kalau kau baca ni memang aku refer kat kau pun). But 2 weeks je pun.. InshaAllah, we'll be fine.

Geeks

Okay semangat packing nak fly naik satu bar lepas hantar Adam kat KLIA.

Happiness is not knowing things that we can't have.

2011-09-09T02:24:00.002+01:00

Like seriously?

Now that there's another 6% tax on prepaid and SIM starter pack. What kind of world we are living in?

23 months and still forever counting infinitely.

2011-09-08T15:32:00.000+01:00

And in that moment I swear we were indestructible.

Desperate measure.

2011-09-06T16:35:00.000+01:00

***Updated

I changed my mind. Already. Thank you anon (:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Terlampau down under sampai at one point terbaring je atas katil locked up in my own room refuse to do anything.

While holding a pillow ketat ketat.

Talk to me. Make me feel better.

Email.

Skype.

Oovoo.
Facetime.

YM.

Facebook.

Phone.

Anything. Just distract me. Before I change my mind.

When a heart breaks, no it doesn't break even.

2011-09-06T11:10:00.001+01:00

Perasaan sedikit awkward melihat itu. Tak, bukan jealous. Jauh sekali dengki. (walhal benda sama dua dua blergh). Sekadar awkward.

I've always been a loyal fan of getting even. Equality. No not that sort of equalities in IB Math. Bukan juga hak persamaan lelaki dan perempuan. Lelaki dan perempuan tak pernah sama, hak dan kedudukan mereka juga tidak pernah sama. Maka tiada isu persamaan yang patut dibangkitkan.

But getting even here is more like revenge. Getting even ke, making it even ke, hatta breakeven sekalipun, tak pernah pulak I kisah. Even if such term doesn't exist, to heck with that. But you know what I mean.

Bila kau tau kawan kau bercakap belakang bukak cerita kedai kopi pasal kau, kau get even. Kau bongkar rahsia dia yang dulunya tak pernah kau kisah pun. Hah, kan adil di situ. Bila girlfriend kau keluar enjoy sini sana dengan kawan kawan, kau get even. Kau keluar dengan perempuan lain entah mana mana dengan harapan girlfriend kau feel bad. Amik kau, nak sangat kan keluar. Alasan famous, you started it first. Bila musuh kau beli iPhone Facetime lepas tu gebang kat Facebook jom Facetime tak habis habis, kau get even. Kau mungkin tak ada kawan untuk di-Facetime-kan, tapi kau buat status. Status FB posted via mobile bukan via iPhone sebab taknak bagi kita riak. Walhal kawan kau sekadar nak calling calling video free je, jauh sekali nak riak. Kawan kau yang lain yang sound hoi reply BBM aku takde pulak kau nak bising. Kau gaduh dengan boyfriend kau, dia tukar status in a relationship jadi it's complicated, kau tukar jadi single terus. Single betul baru padan muka.

Kenapa I cakap I fan of get even? Because that's what I did. I found out my partner keluar dengan exgirlfriend, I pun buat. Keluar dengan kawan lelaki lain. Dia reply text I lambat, I pun reply laaaaagi lambat. Dia buat palat tak contact I lama, I tak contact balik laaaaaaagi lama gila sebab amek kau. Kau ingat kau sorang je boleh buat macam tu, aku tak?

Back then, my famous stand would be, "Oh so you talk shit, do shit, YOU THINK I CAN'T?"

Whoa whoa. Chill Bella. And getting even lagi best dengan partner, sebab kat situ the war is 1-1. Kau takde backup lain. Dua dua sayang lagi, tapi nak tengok siapa lagi hebat, lagi cool. Lagi hurt-proof. Ego you je you tau, ego I? Fuhhhh.

Basically personally honestly sincerely truthfully automatically I would say it's EGO.

Yes, ego itulah yang drive kau untuk get even. Dia macam revenge, tapi baik sikit kot. Revenge macam kau sailang girlfriend aku, aku sailang girlfriend kau balik. Getting even pulak kau sailang girlfriend aku, aku cari girlfriend lain lagi hot lagi cun daripada kau. AMEK KAU.

Ha, satu lagi. AMEK KAU. NAK SANGAT KAN. AMEK LAH. Sounds familiar?

Semua ni phrases get even yang biasa. Equality.

Tapi itu dulu. Zaman kanak kanak muda muda trang tang tang tak matured pun lagi. Semua pun nak get even je. Darah panas, hati remaja la katakan. Lelaki ni bukan boleh percaya pun, balik balik ada jugak yang diorang buat belakang kita. Walhal lelaki tu tak bersalah pun. And time tu mentality sangat pessimist, "Nothing lasts forever. Setiap yang bermula pasti akan berakhir." Sebelum you tinggal I, baik I tinggal you dulu. Pergh. Dah macam pejuang hak asasi wanita pun ada.

Sekaranggg. Sekarang. Sekarang.. Dah matured (lah sangat). Dah boleh fikir, I nak get even pun untuk apa? It won't change a single fact. What done is done. Things are said. Contoh, boyfriend kau sama flight dengan bestfriend dia, takkan kau nak pergi kecoh kecoh tukar flight kau sama dengan bestfriend kau pulak? Dia dah cakap itu kebetulan. Walaupun kawan kau cakap itu mungkin satu kebetulan yang disengajakan, apa kau boleh buat? Daripada kau sakit hati koyak sorang sorang buat assumption it's NOT a coincidence, lepas tu simpan grudge sorang sorang, lagi baik kau terima je apa dia cakap. It IS a coincidence, and redha je lah. Awkward tak awkward belakang kira.

Dalam situasi ni, kau ada tiga pilihan:

1. Tegar dengan assumption yang semua tu telah dirancang, tapi buat buat cool, cakap oh takpe I don't mind pun, tapi still suspicious dan syak wasangka segala bagai. Lepas tu koyak sendiri. Hati busuk gila.

2. Cakap awal awal, I tak bagi you duduk sebelah dia, by any means. Then make him agree to it. Tapi dalam hati, still cuak cuak ragu ragu boleh percaya ke boyfriend aku nih. What if dia buat jugak? Tak tenang hati wa cakap lu.

3. Redha. Lepak je. I can't be there so I just let them be. Easy peasy.

Walaupun mungkin tidak se-easy peasy yang dibayangkan, no 3 paling rasional, kan? Memang la awkward bila fikir balik. But then, so..? Berapa lama kau nak awkward? 13 jam sepanjang flight tu? Ke nak tambah lebih sebab waktu check in, dekat boarding gate for sure lepak lagi kan. 2 hari lepas boyfriend kau selamat settle down rumah semua? Ke 5 minggu sampai kau sempat jumpa dia balik to see if the flight has changed him in any ways? Awkward tu tak lama, harap harap. Lepak je la, macam lah kau tak biasa tengok diorang berbestfriend segala. Daripada kau curious gelabah cuak macam kau pulak yang nak fly, baik kau chill je. Sit back, relax, enjoy your remaning time dekat Malaysia, have good time Seoung Garden zeung zeung dengan bros kau. Heaven what? Tak payah nak gelabah sangat lah.

It's like, you know, whatever. Ha macam tu lah. Denial jugak, tapi ahh, whatever. (again)

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you better run, better run, outrun my gun.

Sountrack masa tengah type entry ni.

Raya 5.0 - Mid Valley madness.

2011-09-05T14:13:00.000+01:00

Camwhores

Tsara, Umi, Danial, Adam

Clockwise from top; Adam's, Tsara's, Umi, Danial's, The Starter

Muka tak bersalah texting while having dinner depan depan. Mengada.

Ratu kebaya Mid Valley dan gangster Malaya

Movie: Cars 2

Tsara's signature poses

September 3rd, 2011 - Shawal 5th, 1432H

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together,
keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.
- Winnie the Pooh

I nak bukak kedai runcit dekat Leicester.

2011-09-04T11:29:00.000+01:00

perlu ke aku bawak baju banyak banyak pegi uk? shirts, and short dresses setail3 aku kat sini.

- Bella

klu aku,aku bwk yg mana ko rasa ko AKAN pakai tuk pergi kelas.jgn jd mcm aku.bwk makanan bnyak baju sikit.smpai sana pening nk pakai apa pergi kelas hari2.since aku pakai tshirt,jeans,sneakers je memanjang,so aku bwk bnyk baju cmtu.dress aku tk bwk bnyk.lgpun pakai trench coat.tadahal.bwk serai kering,daun limau purut kering banyak2.andddddd bwk la fav pad ko lebih sikit.sbb mat salleh pakai tampon.pad dorang tk best langsung,bagi aku la.unless ko nk pakai tampon yg bak kata kwn aku,bolrh buat pecah dara.no komen.

- Seseorang

Nah amik kau, sekali dengan daun serai limau purut segala keluar. Belum masuk tampon pecah dara lagi kehkehkeh.

Raya 1.0 - Official debut.

2011-09-04T09:37:00.001+01:00

**Picture time to counter the unknown undefined pang of sadness that suddenly came out of nowhere.

Tazkirah mukaddimah; Sesungguhnya mati itu pasti.

Kemudian haruslah family portrait ala ala kumpulan nasheed sepohon kayu daunnya rimbun.

The Bahari's; Zahid, Syahirah, Nabilah, Afiq, Umi, Adam, Ayah.
Abaikan mata dreamy bajet comel itu.

Sekarang baru boleh bercerita hari raya..

Kubur arwah Tok Wan. Baju putih memang sesuai dengan tema.

Merenung kematian. Penggali kubur cover macho bawak cangkul di belakang.

Gigih!

Pak Long && Cik Ni

The Baha's; Faris, Nadhirah, Firdaus, Pak Long, Naim, Faiz, Cik, Cik Ni

Pak Su && Cik Su

Ayah Dzif && Cik Azah

The Nazman's; Alif, Ayah Mae, Alia, Cik E, Amjad, Amar (dan bibik)

Yaya yang gedik mengada ngada

Pasangan duet pergi tak kembali

Love

Onyonyo

=.=

My boys :D

My boys II :D

Adam ihik ihik

Adam salam salam

Adam sengih sengih

The awkward moment

Berlari berkejaran bersalaman berebut duit raya

Rejeki tokey serunding

Ayah Mae && Baby Amjad mata bulat bulat

Hikhikhokhok

Pura pura sakit mata taknak bagi duit raya

Onyonyo lagi

President

Vice President

Yaya menyampah I youuu

Nadhirah && Syahirah

Kelabu kelaban

Faiz mamat German && Afiq

Excited senyuman Colgate

Aban muka comel

Plain White Raya ceceh

Dah itu je. Hati yang sedih pergi main jauh jauh syuh syuh. Orang nak cari mood raya hati gembira riang ria ni ihik ihik.

Terrified.

2011-09-04T08:12:00.000+01:00

Penatlah. Penat sangat.

At one point happy bahagia tak ingat, the next minute down under rasa macam nak tanam diri sendiri bawah comforter tebal tebal sampai date tu lepas.

Lepas tu emo sorang sorang. Down sangat sangat. Sedih for no reasons. Semua pun rasa. Termenung, terlentang, meniarap, terduduk, semua lah. Bosan tengok siling, renung kipas lah pulak. Pening tengok kipas pusing pusing, pejam mata. Pejam mata konon konon boleh tidur lupakan semua tapi itu menipu namanya.

Malas ke penat, entah lah.

Rasa macam dalam usaha untuk lari dari realiti. Tapi lari pun nak pergi mana? Paling jauh pun terbongkang atas katil, tidur. Tapi tidur pun realiti jugak apa. Okay lah, paling paling mimpi, tak berapa nak realiti sangat. Tapi kalau mimpi ngeri, baik masuk realiti semula. Kaaann?

Lari jauh jauh, masa gerak macam tu jugak. Sikit sikit, last last sampai jugak. Macam slow painful death, tau? Ceceh cakap macam tau pernah rasa.

Dulu tahun lepas dah rasa macam ni, so agak agak tau lah sikit sikit macamana rasa nanti. Tapi.. Entahlah. Hati cakap kuat kuat banyak banyak kali taknak dah rasa macam tu lagi. Tapi, perasaan macam tu jugak. Huru hara jugak. Sedih jugak. Tak cukup dengan hidup yang bersepah, perasaan pun bersepah jugak.

10 September, jangan nak datang laju laju sangat boleh?

My Raya ended on Day 1. But this, this remains forever.

2011-09-02T17:15:00.000+01:00

When you love someone, you let them take care of you. - Jodi Picoult

Hello September! I hate you.

2011-09-02T11:44:00.000+01:00

New header yeay! (and new background, new layout, new blog name semua pun nak bagitau zzz)

I know I know. The striking pink as the date header is kinda annoying. Kan? Tapi dah taktau nak letak warna apa, biaq pi lah haih.

A new header because although I love the wedding-ish image on the previous header, I think they're not me. Well of course they're not me, they're some random Googled image (forgodsake!), but this one, yeah, is so like totally mine! Lips, I mean. Why the lips? Part of it because I love close up portraits, especially body parts (fingers, eyes, etc), but particularly the lips because this blog of mine very much represents them.

Why?

Because I might say things for the sake of being nice. Though I've made a habit of not saying things just to be polite (and getting better at it). I might as well keep things to myself just to avoid arguments, further questions, or simply plain lazy and ignorant to explain more.

But I don't write to please.

That statement is self-explanatory. So if you find yourself feeling offended and disagreeing to things that I write here, well, thank you. At least I know I've made you think. Because one won't feel something if they don't give that thing a damn, no? Ohoi Bella jangan nak emo sangat raya saya ni boleh tak?

And and and.. What's with B(ell)a? Just in case it evokes curiosity in you, (kalau tak curious pun cek nak habaq mai jugak), it's Ell integrated into Bella. Something like integration taught by Teacher Nila back in KMB. Like, f(x) into g(x), only this time f(x)=Ell and g(x)=Bella. Geddit geddit? Tak faham sudah.

Raya pictures will inshaAllah be uploaded soon, meanwhile let me berkabung sendiri sendiri since September is already here.

Raya teaser: Team nasheed pergi tak kembali Selising, Pasir Puteh, Kelantan

Selamat hari raya keempat everyone!

Confession #009 No you don't know me that well.

2011-08-30T20:23:00.001+01:00

When suddenly you realize that people know things about your life a bit more than they should, then you start to ponder; is it an invasion of privacy, or it's just you who simply share too many things on the net.