Friday, November 25, 2016

Cry.

I was going to write about how we came around to finally decide on having a little one after years of being married. But for now I just want to be real, keeping this space as real as I can. No one likes to be around people who whine complain moan (insert all negativities here). I know I don't (didn't?). Somehow that's what my life has come to.

I came home from work crying last night. More like sobbing. Halfway through the walk home, I realised how all these while me being so stressed with work - it's unfair to people around me. To Adam. To Seed.

I only care about myself that I never really think the fact that I'm carrying another human being in me. I started the pregnancy all geared up, wanting the best for the little one. Unfortunately I got lost somehow that I thought, if I were going to survive this work, I have to do things differently.

And that something means taking a toll on Seed. I drink coffee - fully caffeinated - to survive another day of work. I purposely didn't take the tablets as I had such a short time between dinner and sleep, and they can make me feel uncomfortable - I value my comfort and sleep more than this little one's needs. I eat junks to keep going through the day - no more healthy home-made sandwiches - who even got time to make that when you're constantly on-call? 

And worst of all, I get so stressed and angry and bitter that I didn't even think how it might affect the baby I'm carrying.

So last night I cried. I cried for the times I raised my voice to another person on the phone when they get rude. I cried for the foul words I have been using every time something didn't go the way they should be. I cried for the times I subconsciously rub my tummy while my mind is fully occupied with other things, not really out of love for this little one. 

I cried for the outbursts I often lash out to Adam when I get frustrated. I cried for the house chores that I simply refused to do because I'm completely knackered by the end of the day. I cried for the times when I couldn't tell Adam how much I love him, how much I am thankful to have him by my side, simply because I couldn't let my guard down. I cried for the lack of person that I have become.

I am less of a wife, let alone a mom, all in the name of work. And I am nowhere near a good doctor. 

The saddest part? I don't even want to be one.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Bun in the oven.

Meet Seed, people.


Seed is a tiny tot currently kicking away doing summersault happily in my tummy, very oblivious to the nausea and vomit and sickness that his/her mom is having.

So yeah, I am pregnant. Just going into 2nd trimester now.

I wasn't sure when to tell people about Seed, but these days (and weeks, and months!) my life has been about him/her - I've been rather unwell from the pregnancy - that it's really hard to blog without mentioning a word about this little one!

Some of you might have guessed from the crazy cravings - ayam penyet, keli balado, sambal tempe (Seed is going to be pure Malay, I tell you) and vomiting, but other than that.. I pretty much look like I was pre-pregnancy. Well, other than the constant tiredness, heartburn, nausea, headache, and urm, everything else possible.

Love your mom, guys. Not even saying this lightly.

Anyways, on to Seed - we named him/her Seed for now as when we first found out that I was pregnant, s/he was the size of a poppy seed. Initially we wanted to go for Poppy, but if it's a boy.. He won't be too happy for the nick I guess. So we settled for Seed. (I wanted Faith or Hope, but that's a different story..)

Yes, like Final Fantasy!

Our KMB classmate, Mau, suggested the name Cloud - go figure. This baby is going places with names. Although I must admit Cloud sounds kinda cool.

All in all, Alhamdulillah - that's the only word to describe how we feel all these while. 

Doakan yang baik2, inshaAllah. :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Unwell.

I'm down being unwell again.

Been vomiting small amounts since yesterday with tummy ache. 

I'm supposed to be on night shift this week, 8pm-8am, while Adam is on day on-call 8am-8pm. So really, the only time we see each other is at surgical handover room. Sucks.

And when you're ill not seeing your other half kinda makes it worse. We also have no time to cook proper meal so every time we come home (alone) it's a matter of what's in the fridge - to me it's more of what I could stomach and keep down.

Side note, I made ikan goreng for lunch earlier hoping that it'd be the comfort food I could keep down, but no, a quarter of it came back up shortly after.


The ikan goreng itself, was delicious.

So here I am, at 6.45pm, still in bed, in scrubs from last night. Had to call in sick as last night I didn't even last till 8am. Yep, vomiting at the hospital isn't fun so I left at 4am. 

You'd think prescribing anti-sickness to patients has become so routine that when it happens to you, you wonder if you should have some yourself too.

I even called my mom asking if she could come over for a week - I'd pay for her flight if I have to! It was a whole dramatic affair - me wailing on the phone, like really sobbing, and her, panicking. Too bad she really couldn't, she already used up all her leave, but good thing is she only has 3 weeks to retirement so she can come over after that!

Actually my parents are coming in January anyway.. But hey, November and January makes a difference okay.

But really.. I just want to go home..