Off to meet ZOIZ.
Friday, December 30, 2011
I'm afraid that's your problem.
I know, and I can't simply tell them because it would be very selfish. And immature.
Then start looking for someone new.
But I don't want to. It's not like you find someone new and you move on. No it doesn't simply work like that.
Sekali lagi, menerima kemungkinan untuk kehilangan sesuatu yang dianggap sebahagian daripada kehidupan sendiri bukan mudah. Dalam masa yang sama terasa diri seakan begitu lemah dan menyedihkan apabila definisi 'kehidupan' sedikit sebanyak disandarkan pada orang lain. Get a life. Kehidupan sendiri. Di mana kaki ini boleh berdiri tanpa perlu berpaut pada sesuatu. Di mana bibir ini boleh menguntum senyum tanpa perlu mencari sebab zahir. Lagipun bukankah bahagia itu datangnya dari hati?
Maka pegangan ego "people come and leave" mahupun "nothing lasts forever" terus hilang entah ke mana, digantikan dengan perasaan insecure dan neurotic. Please. Don't go.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
- Boxing Day. Don't know if it's me who's not enthusiastic or determined enough to bring myself to queue for Next and River Island, or it's just a plain disappointment. Maybe it's Leicester, small town with only Highcross as the main shopping mall. Or maybe it's me, the lazy one. Hoping for cheap bargains to come crashing down to my knee while just stealing glances at those sardine-like shops. Or perhaps not so sardine at all, I'm just exaggerating, as usual. But still, what a disappointment.
- It's 3 am and I can't sleep, nor can I study. Been staring at the news feed on Facebook keeping me updated on those ridiculous scenes of Boxing Day anywhere else other than Leicester. Crazy people. We never get enough of things. We buy as long as we can, then wonder where did our money go. But refuse to return the items we've bought. Ah, perempuan. Get all angry when labelled as typical, but still do all those typical things. Disappointing.
- Facebook again, have just successfully let some friends down, due to indecisiveness and lack of self-esteem and confidence. Complete hallucination of ranks of people in life leading to sistem kasta dalam diri sendiri. Nanti tak ada kawan langsung baru tahu. Let down, that's another two-word direct translation of disappointment.
- Major Facetime disappointment. Conversation ended up hanging, with the other person fell asleep while a long silence was going on, without me having an inch of effort to break it. Plain. Things feel plain. The excitements are gone. Nothing to look forward to. 2012 feels just as another year. The way we feel like we're just another person in someone's life. Major major disappointment.
- And rejection.
Tired of being rejected until there's a point where you feel like giving up. Like not putting any expectation nor hope. Have to be more realistic. Ekspektasi duniawi.
Dan di saat diri mengharapkan supaya orang lain tidak berputus asa dengan diri ini, terasa seakan diri sendiri pula yang semakin tidak meletakkan harapan kepada orang lain. Penat untuk bertahan, menerima satu demi satu kekecewaan bukan semudah yang dilihat. Harus kuat, tapi sampai bila. Dan soalnya, perlukah bertahan sampai begitu sekali?
Yes, I feel like giving up on you.
Maka harus membuang harapan mahupun angan angan atau secara realistiknya suatu cita cita yang tidak perlu. Masa depan bukan milik kita. Masa depan satu rahsia. Tak perlu merancang kiranya tiada keperluan. Kalau tidak harus berdepan dengan kekecewaan. Lagi.
Ah, itu baru kecewa dengan dunia.
And I'm sorry (for myself) that I didn't give up on us when you did.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
You know, staying up late to study can be an achievement to some. Me too, except I find it a little bit too unhealthy. And dangerous. Because at one point I'll be bombarded by my thoughts, ridiculous unnecessary thoughts. These thoughts are later joined by some casts needless to say, TOTALLY UNNECESSARY.
And as my eyes grow all weary and tired, the next best thing to do is to go online. And write. And not having a valid point to write on. Just write.
Part of it is because I'm missing someone. It hasn't been long since I last heard from that someone, but enough to make me go SIGH I MISS YOU just before I shut my eyes and go to bed.
And waking up to no missed calls neither text messages. And remembering that I had a full sleep the night before not being disrupted by late night calls. It feels different. Sigh.
Cause I'm sad liddat :(
Saturday, December 24, 2011
I could say my life feels complete now that Izleen is here, but no, I still have to cram everything by January 1st. And having her here makes makes it much harder, not because she won't let me, but simply because I don't want to. It's like, notes can wait, while she's leaving on 28th (they rhyme?) But then there's Adam asking "Takkan awak nak start study 29 haribulan kot." Hurgh. Dilemma. What a life-changing decisions I have to make.
Despite being caught in the middle (drama gila), we still managed to go for a random trip to Birmingham yeay! Mind you the train tickets were booked at 1am the night before the trip. Gilo apo. But hey, we made it!
So everyone, say hello to Birminghaaaaaam!
|Cadbury Wooorldehhh here we coooomeeeehhh!|
|Taken shortly after we purchased the tickets|
|Viewed from inside|
|Catching the bubbles!|
|Picnic for lunch outside|
|See the picture? We think it's sooooo cute! :D|
After spending hours in there, we decided to head back to Birmingham New Street since we purchased return train tickets to Bournville (where the Cadbury World is). And from New Street we took a bus to Coventry Road. For this.
They have like a gazillion of books and shawls and stuff. And the shawls are soooo cheap and cantik! Kalau nak compare dengan malls and kedai like H&M, Dorothy Perkins and stuff la. And they even have things like minyak atar, abaya, tasbih, sejadah, Quran and nasheed CD and all those Islamic stuff. Stepping into here, the smell reminds me to Makkah. Memories.
Coventry Road is like an Islamic Town (China Town-ish?) where you can find rows of halal restaurant and bookshops and even regular shops owned by Muslims. The price is reasonable and I guess what's more is the sense of having your brothers and sisters around. I don't know, it always touches me whenever I see Muslims in a large crowd in UK. Feels like we are all here united for a cause. Like the Twins of Faith event in London. But again perhaps it's just me.
Later after strolling down Coventry Road we decided to have dinner. Plenty of time to kill, so buffet is the perfect place to be at!
What more interesting is the fact that it was their first day operating! Things were a bit kecoh since it's their first day, but the manager was very kind. He let us pray at the first floor and even provided sejadah, which is kind of fair since Coventry Road itself is a Muslim-packed place. But I guess if they have a specific prayer room that would be nicer. But price-wise, it's £11.99 per person, all you can eat, excluding drinks. Not bad, but honestly, I still prefer Red Hot Buffet. The food here is good, but I guess not to my taste. Not quite.
Next, before heading home, we stopped by at Bullring shopping mall. Yes, the famous Bullring. Went into Selfridges, bought a notebook with kotak kotak pages for £9.75. Yes I know it's damn expensive for a buku kotak kotak (imagine your Maths exercise book in high school but this time with an ultra stylish cover), but I couldn't resist myself, and I have always been a HUGE DIE HARD FAN of stationeries! It was a guilty pleasure, but me so happy now that I can play titik titik in that book! You know, that kind of dots you make at intersections of the kotak with red vs blue pen and you have to make fortress (I call them rumah) and engulf your enemy. Oh, tak faham sudah. Itu my childhood okay.
|Don't know what castle it is|
|The famous Bullring|
Fun times, checked. Girlfriends ramai ramai going for trips are fun, but just the two of us, we make the best company in the world. I feel contented. Even just to Birmingham. Dua orang. That's enough.
While watching her still asleep in my bed T_T